


Sleeping with the Girls: Fictional Reality

by AdmiralTigerclaw



Series: Sleeping with the Girls [1]
Category: Ah My Goddess, Evangelion, Love Hina, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, Ranma 1/2, Sailor Moon, tenchi muyo, those who hunt elves
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Fusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 131,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdmiralTigerclaw/pseuds/AdmiralTigerclaw
Summary: For whatever reasons a person can fathom, a run-of-the-mill young man finds himself waking up in an unfamiliar setting, in an unfamiliar bed, next to surprisingly familiar females.Survival promptly ensues...Meet the SI.  Or Self Insert.  One day out of the blue, he awoke next to one of his favorite characters from a fictional anime universe.  Cool, right?  Wrong.  Because he's not supposed to be there, she's none-too-happy, and anime characters are overpowered on principle.  After managing to successfully avoid getting flash-fried by said character (barely), he finds himself...  Well, he finds himself at a loss for anything to do.  So maybe a nap is in order.  But apparently going to sleep means waking up in yet another fictional anime universe.  Next to another favorite character, who wants to obliterate him on principle...  And modesty.  Because, let's be serious, most ladies don't take well to random men spontaneously appearing in their beds.Do you see where this is going yet?Oh, and the laws of physics don't play nice at all.  Get ready for the most meta survival story you hope isn't real.-- A special thanks to "Tayta Malikai" for proofing assistance reposting this on Ao3.





	1. Silence is Startling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a fanfiction writer, I'm sure one has always had fantasies they wished to write about concerning some of their favorite stories/settings/characters. And along with these, sets of what-ifs. Fanfiction, in a way, has always been about what-ifs by most authors. It allows them to express their own thoughts and insights into the characters and settings of a story. Or if you're feeling particularly unforgiving at this time… It's just blatant teenage hormones going off… Hit and Miss y'know.
> 
> The scenario presented is something along the lines of a twisted what-if. What if, you took a fanfiction author's fantasy scenario, and twisted it? Corrupted it. Made one of the most basic desires of the amateur fanfic writer go COMPLETELY… 'NOT AS PLANNED!'
> 
> The following story will be such an experiment. Things won't be going according to the scenario. This is not part of the master plan… In fact, Gendo has been banned from all further meetings.
> 
> So without further ado: We begin our story.
> 
> (Special Note: This Fic contains links to media such as music and video. They appear as underlined hyperlinks. To follow without leaving the page, use right-click: open in new tab.)

* * *

**Chapter 1: Silence is Startling**

_["Run run run, as fast as you can..."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cFIDpIO52Y) _

* * *

 

How do you sleep? What helps you get to sleep? Everyone has this little comfort zone of normality. For some, it's total silence. Others? Absurdly cold, or warm. Some people can't sleep without something to snuggle up next to. People know what they like, and know when it's not right.

And how well do you sleep? Some people sleep like the living dead, and could ignore World War Three, a dozen hurricanes, and a meteor impact outside their window combined. Others would notice a pin drop on the other side of the house and be up with a baseball bat.

I'm none of those extremes. But like any sleeper, I notice instantly when my comfort zone is disturbed. The first sign that something was off was the same one that woke me. The quiet. I sleep in the same room as my computer. And the mild droning of the CPU fan is the white noise that lulls me to sleep, and the soft bluish glow of my screen provides a comforting light. It woke me before, when the power failed for some unknown reason. The sudden spooling down of the fan and the still air of the room became stifling enough to wake me up within seconds. But ultimately, that was never much to bother me beyond the usual 'oh great' response.

This time, however, the silence was different. The human mind can process a massive amount of data about the environment, and notices changes on a subconscious level. We think of these as 'instinct'. An almost in built ability to realize something isn't right. Something you take for granted most of the time, until something unexpected occurs.

The silence woke me, but it was the subtle acoustics around me that told me something more was wrong.

I sleep facing a wall not a foot away. That close you can 'hear' the wall's proximity, because of the way the ears detect that tiny reflection of sound coming from your own breathing, and the way it dampens other sounds. And I have a lot of furniture that breaks up harmonics.

I was nowhere near a wall.

It was too open, the room felt too hollow, the bed was warmer than I was used to. And it wasn't just my breathing I could hear.

I was awake in an instant, sitting bolt upright at the unfamiliarity of my environment. It was dark, which precluded any semblance of my computer monitor casting a glow on the room. But it wasn't pitch black. And from what I could make out… I wasn't in my room.

The adrenaline kicked in, jolting my groggy brain into overdrive. My last actions before going to bed had been checking email, responding to a few random forum posts, and crawling into the nest of blankets and pillows I called a bed. I had not been drinking, the clarity was too sharp to be a dream, and I found it rather hard to believe someone could have gone through the lock on my bedroom door without waking me up.

Of course, the rapid motion of sitting up was not without side effects. In sitting bolt upright at my sleep being disturbed, I had inadvertently disturbed the sleep of the owner of the breathing.

The owner slowly sat up, muttering something sleepily in a tone that sounded tinny, slightly high.

Female.

I reflexively wanted to reach for my glasses. Unfortunately, as one little corner of my brain remembered, those would be on my desk. Not that I really needed them much in the dark, but clear vision would be nice right about this point.

The girl or woman must have noticed me about that moment, as I caught what sounded like a sharp sucking hiss, like a bristling mouse. It was enough to make your blood run cold. Because you realize at that very moment that you're not just out of place, you're an intruder wherever you are now.

Muttering and movement from my opposite side then proceeded to make my blood freeze. It was also female, but sounded more like a child. I would be lying if I said a thousand thoughts went through my mind at this moment. The flashes of concepts that processed were too raw and unstructured to really qualify as anything resembling what humans called thought. But they conveyed the meaning of the situation I was in enough for my higher functions to formulate the correct phrase to describe it.

'Oh shit.'

Once she too noticed me, the room went deathly quiet, except for me. Already distraught from my unexpected relocation, and pumped full of adrenaline, I could feel my body tremble slightly and shudder as I tried to control breathing which was ramping up to match.

There was a delay I managed to note. It seemed the two didn't quite know what to make of me. The term 'paralyzed by shock' would probably be adequate. It bought me enough time to collect my thoughts. I was screwed. How much I was screwed would depend solely on my actions in the next few seconds. But I was definitely screwed.

There is a right way and a wrong way to respond to a situation like this. If one reads or watches enough fiction, one becomes accustom to a certain set of reactions used to maximise either the drama, or the hilarity of the reaction to an outside observer. We'll call these the 'cliché' reactions. Normally, these reactions would be along the lines of surprise, panic, or confusion.

While all three were certainly present in the situation, a part of my still not quite awake mind decided that the proper response to what was likely a strange kidnapping scenario would be-

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? WHO ARE YOU? WHERE AM I?!"

-Aggression.

I dropped my tone and projected from the chest, bellowing my questions rapid fire like an angry drill instructor. At this volume, it was obvious I wasn't trying to hide… but who'd actually pay attention to that detail in a home invasion scenario?

At the very least, it broke the ice. The older girl inhaled sharply, and I knew what followed. In fact, anyone with an IQ in the double digits knew what followed.

Incidentally, aggression was the wrong answer. Go figure. Panic makes for a good fall-back option anyway.

I twisted around and pushed off the ground even as the ear-piercing shriek damn near blew out my hearing, and forced me to retreat. My mind filed away the hollow thump I made as I rose to my feet, indicating I was not on the ground floor of this building. It was of little precedence however since I was occupied with more pressing issues. I swear… In the instant I managed to throw the blanket I had pulled with me at the screaming girl, I could feel all the hair on my body standing on end. As if I was a second away from getting struck by lightning.

In a near blind panic, I tried my best to keep my head. Muffled sounds indicated there were others in the building… And my booming yells combined with her shrill scream had surely woken all of them. This would only end badly.

Fleeing is, of course, considered a sign of guilt. But at the same time, it is extremely hard to fight the urge to escape from a terrifying situation. And I'm not about to stand around dumbstruck in a house full of angry people. Where I'm from, that's a quick way to get shot.

It took my mind only a second to identify the door. It was opposite the window. I slid it open and quickly moved into the hall, identifying the direction to the stairs in the dim light and despite being half-blind. Vaguely, I wondered how I knew the door was a sliding one, but ignored that nagging thought over the growing sounds of worried shouts. Bolting for the stairs, my mind briefly reflected upon my state of undress, and I was somehow relieved that in this situation, I was wearing enough clothing to classify as publicly decent. Not that I would be caught dead wearing TABASCO brand, bright red pajama bottoms outside my own home.

The relief gave way to surprise a moment later. Something came through the wall on my left.

I don't mean came through the wall as in smashed through it like an obstruction, but more like the wall wasn't there to begin with, or the person was a ghost or something equally beyond my normal scope.

If I wasn't in a state of panic already, this pretty much undid any remaining screws in my already stressing brain. I twisted to react to the appearance, noting a human shape to it before my feet tangled up in their attempt to follow conflicting instructions, sending me tumbling sideways.

I went with the fall, probably looking absurd as I rolled through the impact and regained my feet to try and reach the stairs. There was crystal clear shouting right behind me as I recovered. And again, my hair began to stand on end. I didn't really think about what it meant more than what the stairs in front of me meant.

I had to bound down them, without screwing up my footing. You can't sprint down a staircase; you'd break your neck. That meant slowing down. The place was alive with shouting now, and I really didn't want to slow down at this point. Only pain awaited me in that future.

I bounded the steps haphazardly, three to four at a time, ham fisting the wall as a balance to keep from tumbling as I tried my best to navigate the dark. I stumbled near the bottom, taking a step farther over the edge than I should have, hitting with my heel and rotating onto the ball of my foot as it straddled air. The wall kept me from wiping out as intended, but I could feel the sharp pang of overstressed tendons by the next step.

If I didn't get out of here NOW, I wasn't getting out of here.

There was a whoosh from above and behind, the strangest little sound I'd ever heard. It's hard to describe it in clearer detail but it sounded almost like air suddenly being let out of a very large balloon, very quickly. The sound repeated, this time ahead. And seemingly backwards as something seemed to simply fade into view as I made for what looked like a sliding glass door. It was a person, and they were blocking my path.

I had no choice but to turn on my heel on my next step and push off sideways. Luckily, on the foot opposite to the one that was hurting. I didn't make three steps however before the shouting was joined by a voice, distinctly male. I'm not sure, but I think he vaulted the rail on the floor above, landing just far enough to give me time to see the landing, but not enough time to react before he caught me by a wildly flailing arm and curled inside. Forcing me into a submission hold even as I realized it was coming and throwing me face down on the floor.

I heard them shout around some more, now realizing that what they were saying was completely unintelligible, at least, to me. The guy who'd floored me continued to hold on as I squirmed a bit to test if I could break free. I found nothing, but he increased pressure just slightly to let me know who was in charge.

Defeated, I relaxed, and felt the pressure ease up slightly in response. I didn't stand a chance against this guy.

The incoherent babbling continued for a few more seconds before the world lit up. Someone flipped on a light.

I was pulled to my feet and winced at the pain in my foot before taking a look at my captors. I had to blink and look again.

Never mind waking up where I did, or being in an unfamiliar building that I somehow had a feel for. Never mind some of the weird things I just saw happen with my fuzzy vision. If the hair colors and styles, the voices, and the weird things I just saw happen...

Did I fall asleep watching Tenchi Muyo again?

 

* * *

 

**WORLD 1: Tenchi Muyo**

_Science Fiction/Fantasy, Romantic Comedy, Harem Anime_

_"Captain Kirk would have a field day..."_

 

* * *

 

I was asleep, right?

I mean, I've had weird dreams like this before. Usually they had a mind of their own, but there was a certain coherency to the madness. And thinking about it, what dreams I ended up remembering when I woke up had a kind of nonchalant, continuous flow that made them seem as normal as a trip to the grocery store.

The fact that this situation seemed wrong already set off a dozen warning bells in my mind. That, and my foot hurt.

Absent-mindedly, I reached down and touched my ankle...

For the record 'ow'.

At this point, I really should freak out. It would be a logical response when faced with a situation like this. However, I didn't. Maybe it was disbelief, or maybe I just dealt with crisis situations really well, but my composure remained.

I tracked the incoherent conversation as they spoke, watching as they each took turns addressing someone else. Then, finally, there was a pause.

It took a second to figure it out, but they were all looking at me.

I returned their glares with a quick set of blank looks, and finally, the short red head, who had been the last one to speak before, spoke again. It was obviously a question directed at me, and they expected a response.

I paused, and the short one let out another comment that had to be the equivalent of 'well?' If what I was thinking was correct, then I was about to gamble my life on the accuracy of my geek knowledge. I did a head count, noted who was here, and gave myself an appropriate quick run-down of their history in my head. Then responded.

"Washu? I really don't want to be barbecued by an angry princess…"

First impressions are king. I figured that waking up in someone's bed, without warning, pretty much wiped that one out. So instead I needed to make an impact if I wanted any kind of control over my fate in the next few minutes. The gamble was if effectively what I thought I was looking at was correct, and that what I knew with mere geek knowledge was accurate. The reaction of the group in front of me at least said what I was looking at was indeed real.

"You speak English?" the seemingly child-like scientist responded, without so much as an accent.

"In Texas, it's that or Spanish," I responded in a half joke, relieved. "And my Spanish barely covers hello and goodbye."

Washu cocked her head to the side. I watched the others exchange confused glances. Ryoko, who I suddenly realized was the person who'd not only come through the wall, but teleported in front of me… Damn, saying that in the serious sense feels weird. Ryoko grumbled audibly. Something Washu quickly silenced with a very stern pointed look.

"How much do you know?" she asked. The gamble paid off. Washu read between the lines. But this wasn't exactly safe territory. I had her interest, but I wasn't yet a non-threat. Not that I could threaten them in any way, shape, or form. I had to gamble more.

"Enough to cause a temporal paradox," I responded. She smirked.

"How old am I?"

I wasn't expecting that one. Questions about time travel perhaps would seem more fitting. But then again, she was going to test me to make sure I was telling the truth. But, how do you answer that kind of question about someone like Washu? Might as well start with what I knew, and not the simple version, the complicated one.

"Physical age, twelve or mid-twenties as you see fit. Incarnation's chronological age, twenty-thousand, and your OTHER age-" I raised my eyebrow. "Technically timeless. Like someone else here." I made a very quick sidelong glance towards the child I had now realized was Sasami. This was getting surreal.

Washu looked at me long and hard. I could see the intelligence behind those eyes working. The gamble seemed to be successful. If anyone could make heads or tails of what was going on, it would be her. It certainly wasn't going to be me.

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know."

"How did you get here?"

"Not a clue."

"What were you doing?"

"Sleeping."

"In Ayeka's futon?"

"I went to sleep in my own bed, thank you."

Washu barked something that sounded like a command. Tenchi, who'd been keeping a hand on my shoulder the entire time just to make sure I wouldn't take off running, released me. Though honestly, with the likes of the current group, I wouldn't have run very far.

Washu continued to speak rapidly to the rest of the group, asking questions and getting responses quickly, and seemed to grill the two princesses for information. After about a minute of this, she abruptly turned to me, giving me a curious look.

"How the hell?"

I instantly knew what she'd been discussing.

"As if you had been there under the blanket and everything the whole time?" she continued after a momentary pause.

I looked at her, then at the elder princess, who was still scowling mind you, and shrugged. Princess Ayeka of course, snorted in contempt. I could understand the temper. If I woke up with a stranger in my bed, I'd probably have reacted just as insanely. At least, for the moment, I was safe from being roasted. I knew now I'd come very close twice just a minute ago.

"Have a seat over there," Washu pointed to the couch. "I need to figure out what to do with you."

"Yes ma'am." I replied, as professional as I could come off. With a turn, I made to go exactly where I was told. My foot, however, immediately reminded me of its recent torment as I did so. There was no missing the pained grunt I made, or the momentary hesitation in my step. Sucking it up, I kept moving, changing my stance to a waddling shuffle. I didn't need to look like I was trying to milk some sympathy for an injury. Not right now.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Washu watching me with a measuring look as I sat down on the sofa. To a genius, I was probably transparent.

"Took the stairs a little hard?" she asked.

"Nothing I can't handle," I lied. I hate pain, really hate pain. I try to take care of little problems and minor injuries while they're still minor just to try and avoid the extra pain. I'm good at hiding it when I want to, but pain is not my favorite sensation.

"Don't lie," she continued. "I can already see your ankle starting to swell from here. It's generally not good for a regular human to try and take a staircase at a full sprint in the dark."

"Normally, I'd agree with you," I responded. "But I don't usually wake up in strange places with people trying to kill me."

I was feeling a touch sarcastic. I had a certain sense for making snarky comments but a poor judgement in knowing when to use them. Under normal conditions, I might have seemed a touch rude. Personally I thought that it was justified in the current situation.

"I'll have Sasami get you some ice," Washu smirked. Blasted goddess was smart enough. She probably saw right through me and knew that I knew I was next to helpless.

Washu spoke with Sasami, indicating me with a quick motion before turning to the others in the group. The child, of course, nodded enthusiastically and disappeared into the kitchen. She returned within a minute with a small cloth full of ice, which I took and pressed to my foot with a brief quip of 'Arigato Sasami-chan'.

The girl seemed to pause, looked at me funny, and then turned to ask Washu some question. In retrospect, I suppose it was how I knew her name, and Washu's name. I could tell Washu was having a hard time finding the right answer for it by the way she mulled on it.

While they distracted themselves discussing my knowledge of names, or at least that's what I thought the discussion was about, one of the other residents decided to make her own opinion of me. I'm not sure what exactly you could classify the critter. Animal, person, or weapon of mass destruction… But Ryo-Ohki chose that moment to leap quietly onto the couch next to my shoulders and start sniffing.

Now, I'm fairly decent with animals. You respect them. They respect you. But like I said, I'm not sure if Ryo-Ohki classified as an animal or not. The hybrid life form had so many component forms that observing one could make you forget about the others.

Still, it was a cute kitten/rabbit… Thingie. And cats like to be scratched right behind the ears right about…

"Here…"

Yes, I'm scratching a 'cabbit' behind the ear. No, I'm not actually sure this is happening at all. Ryo-Ohki seemed to have the same sweet spot behind the ear as a regular cat, and positively melted into a mass of purring. If only I had some carrots. The best way to a person's heart is through their stomach. If I had carrots, Ryo-Ohki'd be my new best friend. I entertained that line of thought for a bit longer. Pet capital starship.

Crew: None.

Maintenance: Feed it carrots.

Witty One Liner: Beware of Cat.

Maybe not so witty... I doubt anyone would be firing on all cylinders after the wakeup call I just had. But I digress...

Somewhere between two and five minutes of conversation between the others passed before they turned their attention to me again, only to find that I'd made myself quite comfy with one leg propped up, purring critter in my lap while I used my free hand to keep the ice on my foot.

Tenchi seemed to get a laugh out of it. I heard him say Ryo-Ohki's name amidst a jumble of the unintelligible babble I was quickly getting used to tuning out.

"Point in your favor," Washu laughed in English. "Ryo-Ohki likes you."

"Stellar," I let my sarcasm slip through in the comment. "My fate is being determined by a hybrid life form with the personality of a four year old."

"At least it's in your favor," the scientist pointed out.

"Beats getting barbecued, I suppose," I responded with a sigh. "So, what happens now? I'm not exactly an invited guest."

Washu cocked her head to the side then spoke to Tenchi for a second, who nodded.

"Well," she continued at length. "I guess I should get to the bottom of this situation, and everyone here's pretty much convinced you're not a threat."

"Except the princess," I added.

"Except the princess," Washu amended with a suppressed laugh. "So if you'll just step into my lab…"

Washu indicated the door under the staircase with a gesture.

Oh dear. I'm not one to worry. But realistically speaking, Washu's lab covers five planets in a pocket universe. The entrance was little more than footnote that one could dismiss out of hand with ease.

The implications of having to go in there depended on what interpretation of her personality you subscribed to. I subscribed to the 'not as bad as it seems' edition, but still… You can never be too careful. That and what happened if I got lost? It's - I repeat - five PLANETS of science lab. Hell, they might have their own indigenous life forms and lethal ecosystems in place as something akin to her own perverted version of junk yard dogs. Better to be careful. One doesn't survive by being naive about things.

"You going to tie me up with some tentacle machine and attach a scanner covered in light bulbs to my head?" I asked, part joke, part serious. I gave the door a hesitant glance as I did so.

"Nah, that's just for Tenchi," Washu cackled, then froze and looked at me in a confused fashion. "Wait- How...”

The scientist smirk from earlier was replaced by one of pure perplexity punctuated by a frown.

"You. Lab. NOW." She pointed.

"Time for the interrogation…" I muttered, wincing as I rose to my feet and put pressure on my ankle. As I made for the lab entrance, my mind played back the last twenty minutes. My only conclusion: 'What?'


	2. Circumstantial Evidence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As one explores the possibilities of interaction between characters in fiction and themselves, one must remember the difference between being there, and writing about being there. The biggest part of this is dialogue. When writing, you have time to think about your dialogue, to fine-tune it, make it snazzy. In a real life situation, unless you're a master improv speaker, your dialogue will have terrible flow. Your spontaneous jokes ill thought out. Your best-crafted witty commentary little more than a stack of popsicle sticks. Conveying your true thought processes and responses is difficult at best. It's best to go through and repeatedly ask questions of yourself over and over, and answer them, then craft those answers into the story. I'm going to try and remember to think about it as I go about my work here, but it's not a priority for me. If you hit actual dialogue that seems way to eloquent… chances are I DID sit there and think about what to say for quite some time.
> 
> Let's continue where we left off.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Circumstantial Evidence**

_"Nazi Superscience...  Without the Nazis."_

* * *

 

 

If I were to phrase the description of [Washu's lab](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1w4YdoYImQ) like an entry in Douglas Adam's 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', it would go something like this:

_"The Guide has this to say on Washu's Laboratory…_

_Don't get lost!_

_It would be prudent to bring a navigational aid of some kind with you. GPS would be useful, except you're in a pocket dimension, and there are no GPS satellites from which to receive a signal. Dead reckoning would also be advised. But near as anyone can tell, there are no stars in the sky above the planets. A map might work. But we're talking about five entire planets. If you were to carry maps around with you of any accuracy whatsoever, the resulting amount of paper would make even Vogons blanch. See VOGONS for further details. Your best bet is a guide, preferably a one Hakubi Washu. Barring that, wandering aimlessly with Mihoshi Kuramitsu might get you where you need to go, or result in your eventual starvation. Flip a coin. Be wary of what you touch however. Many seemingly innocent inventions lying around this lab can be classified as weapons of mass destruction on par with Drunken Scotsmen attempting to Yodel. Use extreme caution, and touch nothing unless instructed to do so."_

The snark crossed my mind as Washu led me through the lab. The door itself was probably the best tool in the entire place. It appeared when she wanted, and led wherever she wanted to go. The scientist/goddess/pick a term watched me with an amused look after we passed through it the first time. Even limping as I was from my foot, I couldn't help but walk around the side of the door and look at it edge long while she peeked half way through. Freakin' Cool.

The other stuff lying around was also in the 'Freakin' Cool!' category too. Er… the stuff I could identify a function for. I'm a geek at heart. I admit it. Technology is cool.

Being half-blind was still an issue, but I figure that since I really need my vision that clear to read, and that everything to READ anywhere around here would be in characters I can't read anyway, no loss.

Once I got over my nerdgasm, something that made the red head laugh outright. I was led to a set of machines that looked like a funked out cross between an electrocardiograph, and a spectrum analyzer with vacuum tubes glued on for the 'Science!' look.

When I pointed that out, Washu assured me that, compared to normal vacuum tubes, the energy contained in the equipment needed to perform a full diagnostic astral pattern scan would more than easily vaporize my upper torso if mishandled.

Being partial to my upper torso as I was, I simply nodded and filed that fact away. 'No touchy.'

At this point, Washu got down to business. While she hooked me up to the scanning equipment, she bombarded me with questions about who I was, where I was from, and what I did for a living. The stuff you usually get with a normal, sane introduction. Something I had distinctly lacked upon my unexpected arrival.

As I answered these questions to the best of my ability, I watched her reach out, and summon her infamous holographic laptop computer console. Again: Freakin' Cool!

When there was a break in the questions, I couldn't help but comment how I wish I had one of those at my beck and call. A 'holotop' as I called it, would be awesome.

The scientist took the moment to correct me here. The computer was actually not a holographic construct. Holographic imagery used light to create the illusion of a 3D object from a 2D projection in a medium. Her computer was far more complicated than that. The screen and panel were actually components of a very large computer system the size of an office building tucked away into a pseudo-space. The interface people saw as a 'keyboard' and a 'screen' floating in the air was actually managed by the selective use of dimensional tunneling. Much the same way her door worked. Paper-thin didn't even begin to come close. Technically, the panels were true, two-dimensional items. They had length and width, but zero depth so in practice it occupied zero volume. This provided the illusion of holographic imagery because you could technically walk through the location they existed in from any direction save face-on and pass right through it. If you looked at them edge-on, it was like they weren't even there.

All this talk of dimensional holes made me REALLY want to play Portal. I think I managed to surprise Washu just a bit when she asked me if I understood. Because when I responded: "Perfectly" she stared at me quizzically.

For the record: No, I am not uneducated. If being a geek didn't clue you in on that part, I have a Satellite Communications course under my belt. I may not be a mathematician, but I can visualize the concepts needed to understand the computer well enough. In layman's terms she's pushing buttons through holes in space-time. And she could move those holes anywhere she wanted. It's not hard to visualize it. If you can visualize a Looney Toons 'Acme Instant Hole', you're well on your way.

In fact, if memory served, Washu was prone to abuse the hell out of various versions of those dimensional holes. With the kind of convenience they provided, I would too. Dammit. Portal! NOW!

With the awesome technology conversation out of the way, and Washu now punching buttons and going through my vital information, the hard questions began.

She asked me how I knew so much about her. Or rather, how I seemed to know so much about EVERYONE, based on the hint I'd thrown in for good measure.

Now, anyone who's had to visualize telling an important truth knows that while you're thinking it out, it seems so easy to word. But when you actually go to say it, the whole thing falls apart. How exactly do you go about telling someone that they're little more than a work of fiction? More importantly, how do you convey the fact that, as a work of fiction, you know every embarrassing detail about them to a mortifying degree of accuracy? Now try explaining this to someone of Washu's caliber without coming across as a blundering idiot.

I don't know how I managed it amidst stuttering and a number of false starts, but I somehow spat the explanation out as best as I knew it.

Washu did not seem happy. The reason was simple. Well, maybe.

"For all intents and purposes," she began. "Your explanation should be functionally impossible from my perspective."

I knew what she meant by 'perspective' there. Washu was one of three Goddesses who CREATED the universe I was currently an unexpected guest in. The perspective my story cast into the scenario, that the entire universe they created existed as little more than a fictional reference to another universe that was beyond their power, completely blew everything they understood out of the water. To put that in a clearer perspective, I just made 'God' second-guess himself… Herself… Whatever.

I decided to engage her in a quick debate about that point. I figured now that I'd divulged how I knew what I knew, the knowledge should be put to good use.

"Wasn't the whole point of your 'grand experiment' to find proof of a higher power of some kind?" I asked. "If that is the goal, then my presence and story provides further evidence of some kind of overlaying construct, as I come from a reality in which your presence does not extend. That should be solid proof that there is a bigger fish than the Choushin out there."

Man, that was a mouthful.

"It does," Washu began. "But such evidence has to be confirmed by a control. The dimensional shells house an absurd number of logical worlds within the universe proper. It is entirely possible that our 'story' as you describe it came into being in one of those worlds. Unless my sisters and I systematically sort through all of causality to confirm it, it's coincidence."

"I see…" I nodded. It made sense. Confirm findings first, and make sure they weren't just a fluke. "That sounds like a whole lot of work though."

Washu seemed to blanch at the very prospect. Obviously she didn't like the idea of sorting through all of causality any more than it struck me as a fun thing to do. It sounded like something that would take a lot of time despite taking technically no time at all. Try wrapping your mind around that concept. It pushes my brain just to visualize it. In fact, I was only understanding this conversation from the most fundamental conceptual level as it was.

"Obviously you have a better idea," I continued quickly.

The scientist perked up.

"Easy," she began. "I trace you home, we sort out THAT little corner of causality."

"Fair enough," I agreed. "After all…" And then I switched tones, trying to mock that voice you hear in movie trailers. "She's the greatest scientific genius in the universe. He's nothing more than a bog standard human. Together, they'll unlock the secrets of the cosmos and solve the greatest mystery of all time. When is LUNCH?"

I've done this quite often before, and nine out of ten times, I get a laugh out of it. It didn't fail me here either. My sense of humor is non-sequitur. People often view me as weird, but it's little more than the way I can connect the dots in my mind. As I watched, I couldn't help but smirk as Washu failed spectacularly at suppressing a fit of laughter.

After adding a few more 'movie trailer' comments to the mix, which almost got her laughing to tears, I decided it was starting to get old, and quit while I was ahead. Washu finally calmed down after a few seconds, checking to make sure she didn't hit any keys incorrectly before typing away for a few more seconds.

"Well," she began at length. "The verdict's in."

"What's the word Doc?" I asked in my best bad gravelly southerner voice. "You can tell me. I can take it!"

"Well," she began, taking a deep breath to keep from breaking down again. "You're forty pounds overweight, your vision is poor, your blood glucose levels are below normal, and you have a sprained ankle. Aside from that, you're a healthy, normal human being."

Geeze, tell me something I DON'T know.

"Well your astral pattern is abnormal," she seemed to respond in a tone that was responding to my unspoken comment. Dammit, don't read my mind! It's rude!

"It's not in sync with this universe so you're certainly not from around here," she continued. "There's a lot of clutter to the pattern as well, I'm not sure what that's about just yet. I could probably have it sorted out in a few days. In the mean time…"

Washu stood up and reached through an instantly appearing hole in mid air (flippin' cool!) and pulled a syringe from it. I can handle a syringe. I don't like getting stabbed with needles, but you take what you have to. I took a bicilin shot one time, and it REALLY messed me up. Aside from feeling like the doctor just kicked you in the ass with a steel toe boot, it left me really jittery for several hours.

This, however, was certainly not what I would call, the normal syringe. It was as big as my leg, and the needle had to be a foot long. It looked more like something you'd use on a MAMMOTH.

"Time for your shots," Washu smirked.

"NOT WITH THAT YOU'RE NOT!"

I couldn't help but spit that out the way I did. Technically, if Washu was going to do something, I wasn't in a position to stop her. But most people don't get a syringe the size of a fire hose stuck in their face.

"What?" she asked. I think that at the time I was missing the mirth in her voice. "It's just some nanites to help fix you up."

"It's bigger than I am!" I snapped in response.

"Oh don't be a baby…" she was absolutely grinning but I was looking at the monster syringe, not her face.

"Babies don't get stuck with giant needles," I snapped back.

"It's just a little-"

"WASHU!"

That did it. I'd gone and sounded like my dad when he was angry. My tone dropped a couple of octaves and I could feel my eyes almost bulging out of their sockets. It was an empty rage though, since that little part of my mind that still focused on logic was desperately warning me NOT to challenge a goddess to a fistfight. In retrospect, I probably did seem a bit absurd to her. But my tone got the point across. I'd missed her joke, and I didn't like the giant needle.

"Fine then," she huffed. "You big baby…"

With a deft flick, she tossed the oversized syringe over her shoulder, where it disappeared through an instant hole in space. In the same motion she reached out into yet another hole in space and pulled out a more reasonably sized syringe. The surrealism of that each and every time it happened was enough to kick my anger out of the way in a barely restrained nerdgasm. That's just so fucking cool!

"This better?" she asked.

"What's in it?" I countered with a question.

"Nanites," Washu replied. "To fix you up."

"That's all?" I asked.

"That's all," she nodded back. "They'll fix up your foot, repair your vision, clean up your blood stream and help you burn off some of that flab and build muscle."

I blinked.

"The GP body enhancement treatment?"

Washu frowned.

"Not nearly that clumsy," she stated at length. "This'll have you in tip top form without all that absurd physical therapy in no time, since it will rewire your central nervous system to compensate. As a bonus, I have them programmed to teach you Japanese. I certainly can't let you walk around here unable to communicate with anyone, now can I?"

It was tempting, so very tempting. No more glasses? Insta-fit? A free language course? Epic awesome level up?! All for a simple shot? Damn life and its catch twenty-twos… and DAMN MURPHY!

"Problem," I pointed out. Washu looked at me puzzled. Then closed her eyes and nodded.

"If you go home like that," she began.

"There'll be a lot of questions I can't answer," I finished. And then I sighed. Well that sucks. Who would turn down a chance to be superhuman? Well I have an answer for you. Anyone who still wants a normal life and doesn't want to turn around and try to explain the situation to the authorities and risk having NO life. I'm not so stupid as to think that being superhuman would allow me to just breeze by without consequences.

"Just give me the foot-fixer-upper doc," I said at length. I've lived this long the way I am, it's not like I'm not used to it.

Washu sighed as well, and flicked the second syringe through a Washu brand instant hole, then pulled another one out, as well as a pair of glasses.

"Alright," she began. "Fix your foot. But I'm keeping the Japanese language programming. That's easy to hide. And you'll need to communicate."

"Fair enough," I nodded.

The scientist walked over to me, and made me stick my arm out as she prepared a bit of cotton and some alcohol. I did as instructed, but turned my head. I can watch open-heart surgery. I can watch guys get blown to gibs, and have their skin ripped off, while EATING. But there are two things I just can't watch. People with traechectamies (holes in their neck), and people getting stuck with needles. Taking a deep breath, I did my best to relax my arm. If it was tight, it would hurt more. I need not mention my dislike for pain a second time. Focusing on a play of electricity nearby, I did my best to ignore the little prick of the needle.

"All finished," Washu concluded after a moment.

I turned to see her swabbing the spot off once more. Within a few seconds, I could feel my ankle suddenly get unusually warm.

"Now," Washu began at length, handing me the glasses. "Your foot will be as good as new, if not better, in just a few hours. Go easy on it, and don't go leaping down staircases."

"I don't plan on it," I nodded. Really, I don't plan on it. So long as nobody's trying to kill me, you wouldn't catch me bounding around like an idiot with a hurt foot.

"As for the language course," she continued. "That works slowly. It'll take several days before it really catches on. Within a few hours, you should be able to pick basic phrases up with little effort. The program wires your synapses the way you would learn in real life in order to avoid altering your mental condition. You'll learn to understand what you hear faster than you can speak it and both of those faster than you can read or write. So give it time. By the end of the week, you should be fluent as a native speaker."

"Hopefully I'm HOME in a week," I pointed out. Washu shrugged.

"I'll see what I can do," she continued. "I'll also have to figure out how much temporal displacement occurs. Separated universes are not synchronized. I'm sure it would be a scream to put you back in the late Jurassic period."

"Funny you should say it like that," I chuckled.

"So anyway," Washu wandered over as I tried to get used to a PERFECT prescription in a pair of glasses. "Who's your favorite?"

Wait, what?

"What?" I asked.

"You described our world as simply fiction," she continued. "Everyone has a favorite character. So who here is yours?"

Did she just… Yes, she did. The little minx just asked me who of the group I liked the best.

"You little…" I began. "You have an ego the size of a galaxy."

"The Local Cluster," she corrected without missing so much as a beat. "I've been keeping track. Now spill."

I'm not the wittiest, or the fastest conversational mind in the west, but I know how to throw someone off track. All you have to do is find the obvious wrong answer, and pick it.

"Kagato," I responded. I swear, Washu almost jumped back...

"K-Kagato?" she asked. "You're picking HIM?"

This was actually funnier than it appeared when you think of this in perspective. It's not every day you get the chance to get a goddess to have a look on her face like the one Washu had now. I wish I could snap a photo. Yeah, I have my fun.

"A good story needs a good villain," I continued. I was, of course, lying that Kagato was my favorite character here, but he was up near the top of my list of favorite villains. "And Kagato was one hell of a villain. Pragmatic, ruthless, clinical... Technically speaking, for a villain, he executed a near flawless performance."

"I… see." Washu was dumbfounded. It made the look that much more entertaining. "I guess I can see where you're coming from."

I probably spent another hour just going into geek mode, chatting away with Washu about her family, and the perspective I had on them. Before long though, she decided to send me on my way. I think if anything, I successfully made a friend. And as ludicrous as it seems to normal everyday human logic… Having the greatest scientific genius in the universe and a goddess that had created it as a friend was definitely what I would call a good save to a bad start.

But I knew I couldn't keep bugging her while she had work to do. And from the way she sounded, getting me home was going to be a lot of work for her. It would be best if I wasn't in the way. So out I went. Back into the regular house. It was still early morning, and from the looks of things, it was Sasami cooking in the kitchen with Noike. Everyone else had apparently gone back to sleep for a few more hours once the excitement had calmed down.

As I thought about this, I wondered. Of all the people I saw. Someone was missing.

Then it hit me. Where was Mihoshi?

"Fuck."


	3. The Most Exciting House On Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens between the lines? Really? When you look at a piece of fiction, most of the time it's stitching the 'important' events together in order to keep you entertained. You're looking at the concentrated interesting points of the total one percent of the total life time of a person. If that. So what happens for the other 99% of the time? Heroes are great and all, but you don't spend every hour of every day beating up ninja and rescuing children from out of control busses in the middle of a gunfight. So if you ask yourself what you would do when placed in a scenario such as this story, don't just think of all the great stuff. Think to yourself: "What would I do to kill time?" There are 24 hours in a day, and what you see in most animated episodes of a show barely covers thirty minutes to an hour. Ask a soldier who's been to war. What's the thing they end up doing the most? If you've seen the movie Jarhead, they have the answer.
> 
> Waiting.
> 
> Let us continue.

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Most Exciting House On Earth**

_"Kill me now..."_

* * *

 

I don't do mornings. In fact, I've never done mornings too well. Oh, not because I'm a grouch or anything. It's because I've always been the kind to need something to do. When I was younger, that meant noisy activities that woke everyone else up. These days, my schedule just has me go to sleep later, and wake up later than everyone else. That and I have a computer. Well, had a computer.

Morning in the 'Masaki Home' as it was commonly referred to was exactly what I expected of my own home. Quiet. Even as I stressed over the fact that I hadn't seen or accounted for the number one most chaotic person I knew in this setting, Mihoshi Kuramitsu, I couldn't help but feel that doing anything outside of the routine would land me in more trouble.

What did I know about the galaxy's most bizarre living probability event?

Well, for one, Mihoshi was a Galaxy Police officer. So she was always on long multi-day patrols. She had a habit of landing at velocities in excess of Mach one. If I crossed my lore on this 'universe', it was because Earth didn't have any T-47 Guidance Beacons. If memory served, however, Washu made sure after Mihoshi's first big stunt that those landings were safe. Even if she still hit the lake at Mach two. Mihoshi also slept a lot, a product of being up for days at a time on her patrols. So she could appear as being a bit lazy if taken out of context.

But the real thing about the Kuramitsu was a combination of her seemingly innocent ditziness, a disturbingly photographic memory, and her almost supernatural ability to seemingly defy probability. It perplexed Washu. Let that sink in to its fullest. It, perplexed, WASHU.

I sat and thought about this on the couch as the early morning wore on before my mind drifted off into the random desire to hum the Pink Panther theme to myself over and over again. I probably would have dropped off myself for a quick nap, but my mind was just too alert for that, and I could feel the throbbing of my foot mixed with the raw heat, as Washu's little injection of nanocrap did its thing.

I watched Sasami whip around to the back entrance at least twice to fetch some fresh vegetables from the attached food storage shed. On the second pass, she seemed to notice I was there, that I was randomly humming and massaging my ankle (It felt like I had smothered it in icy-hot at this point.), and brought me another ice pack. Aside from Ryoko's snoring on the rafter over towards the staircase, Sasami's little side trips were about the most interesting thing for an hour and a half.

It was like the Military Enlistment Processing Station in San Antonio. Sit down, shut up, and wait your turn. At one point I envisioned the trips Sasami and Noike ended up making across the house looking for something in fast forward, with Flight of the Bumblebee playing to it. But that didn't last long before I was bored with it.

Something interesting finally happened well after sunrise, when Sasami stuck her head out of the kitchen and said something at Ryoko. I think I understood her say 'please', but I already know how to say that in Japanese. So I'm not entirely sure if it's Washu's language program getting to work, or my own geek knowledge.

Ryoko, of course, didn't budge, and instead, snored louder before turning herself over, scratched her leg, and smacked her lips. Oh god that was so fake.

Sasami seemed to buy the act though, turning to head towards the stairs. But if you think I was just going to sit there and let Ryoko punk Sasami out like that, you have another thing coming. Trouble is, Ryoko's twelve feet off the ground. How do you counter-punk the punk?

The answer was in my hand, and a little grinchy thought that popped into my head. 

Holding up a hand quietly, I got Sasami to stop where she was as I stuck a finger against my mouth. Then opened the rag of ice and pulled one of the frozen cubes out. The child got the idea at this point and giggled quietly. Ryoko's ear twitched like a cat who'd heard something. Hey Sasami, don't blow my cover!

With a quick pitch, I threw the single cube of ice up at the lazy one.

My aim sucked. The ice cube bounced off the ceiling and landed on the stair case.

My second pitch thumped off Ryoko's arm and dropped to the floor. Dammit. I can do better than that!

The third toss landed on Ryoko's back. Perfect.

I waited for the cold to do its work. And like clockwork, Ryoko reached back and plucked the cube off her back, sitting up. Sasami didn't miss a beat, repeating what she'd asked earlier.

Ryoko's expression was part confused, part irritated. Unable to hide behind her poor acting anymore, she grumbled and half floated, half teleported out of sight. About fifteen seconds later, there was a thump and some rather displeased shouting. Then a few more thumps before Ryoko teleported back into the room looking insanely amused and chuckling to herself. I could think of only one thing that could shift her mood from irritated to amused that quickly.

My suspicions were confirmed when Ayeka came down the stairs a few minutes later, trying her best to look composed despite the rather obvious wooden way she carried herself.

Deciding I was already in the doghouse with her, I turned my head away before she could make eye contact and resumed humming to myself. Starting with the Fox NFL theme.

I think I was somewhere in the middle of 'Ghost Riders in the Sky' about thirty minutes later when Washu suddenly came out of the lab carrying a newspaper of all things.

She looked at me with a simple glance, then raised an eyebrow.

"Breakfast time," she announced and pointed me in the direction of the kitchen.

Good, because I think the next thing I was going to start singing was an Insane Clown Posse track.

For those of you who ever pondered what gets eaten around here, the popular stereotype has been, and probably always will be, miso soup. What nobody seems to realize is that miso soup is not really the Japanese equivalent to Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. It is a tofu-based dish. And the most basic version of Miso Soup is little more than the broth, chunks of tofu, and seaweed. Try subsisting on that mush for any extended amount of time. I've made it. It's not that exciting. And it doesn't take two hours.

The breakfast spread I saw here was certainly two hours of work. And the contents were more becoming of a breakfast than most stereotypical examples of Japanese cooking. I couldn't tell you the names of half the stuff, but there was a ham and cheese omelet hiding in the mix. That gave me at least a good fallback if I found nothing else to my liking. Which was great…

But here's the problem. To begin with, I don't like to impose on people. It makes me feel guilty. Call it that strong work ethic my father instilled in me, but considering the circumstances of my arrival it just didn't feel 'right' for me to even be considering eating anything at this table. I like to earn my meals.

Of course, this didn't stop Washu from pretty much ordering me to take Mihoshi's place at the table. Since the bubble-headed cop wasn't around, it was an open seat. 

After the customary 'Itadakimasu', they dug in, but I tried my best to discreetly touch nothing until they were all done.

It would have worked too if it weren't for those pesky kids and their cabbit! Ryo-Ohki, who'd taken a liking to me… Really, was there anyone she didn't take a liking to? Ryo-Ohki blew my cover here. In her child form this time, she 'mew-mewed' and pointed me out.

This prompted Sasami, the unanimously agreed most amiable person here, to stop eating and stare at me curiously.

Then, without any warning whatsoever, she began efficiently preparing a plate for me. Talk about a misunderstanding. 

Amidst a series of what I'm certain were, to her, unintelligible stammers of 'No wait-' and 'You don't have to do that', the child set my place with a considerable breakfast centered around a ham omelet. She must have seen me eyeing it.

I didn't really know how to convey what I was trying to say. And while Sasami seemed to eye me expectantly, Washu was the one who decided to jump in.

"Not hungry?" she asked.

"No it's not that," I shook my head. "I just don't feel like I deserve this… Feels wrong."

Sasami asked a question. I could tell by the tone. Washu replied back. Probably relaying what I said. Ayeka tried to hide a scoff and muttered something while masking a scowl. I don't think it was flattering because Washu and Sasami both gave her a quick withering glare.

"Is that all you're worried about?" Washu asked me at length. "Relax. It's not your fault. Eat. Eat."

"You sure?" I asked. To this, Sasami calmly picked my arm up and stuck an eating utensil in my hand before glaring at me with a determined smirk.

"Eat," she parroted. Wait… She didn't say that in English. Well, something around here was working as advertised.

So I ate. But I didn't feel any more comfortable. I felt exposed at the table. It wasn't completely paranoia. While I tried to keep my gaze fixed sternly on my plate, I could catch long measuring gazes by various people at the table. It felt like being under a microscope. It was enough of a bother that I wasn't really paying attention to what should otherwise have been a really good omelet.

At some point, Washu finished and ducked behind her newspaper. This seemed to signal the end of the meal. It appeared that despite Tenchi having risen to the position of the man of the house as I remembered the story, Washu was more or less the defacto house mom. And as such, she was the unspoken boss whose routines would determine everyone else's routines. In this case, the table cleared nigh instantly as everyone focused their attention on their dishes.

Again, I waited for everyone to clear out before I added my own small mess to the pile. As I did so, I tried to predict the dispersion. Ryoko, teleporting away to avoid dish duty…

I heard a hiss and a pop as air rushed to fill a sudden void.

Check.

Tenchi, probably going to do some relaxing field work. He popped out the door with a pair of gloves in his hand heading for the truck.

Check.

Noike, along to help?

After washing her dish off, she followed Tenchi, a pair of gloves in her hands too.

Check.

Ayeka? Random chores, I'm sure of it. My guess would be...

She walked by with a load of folded towels in a basket not two minutes out of the dining area.

Check.

Sasami, Ryo-Ohki, Washu.

Washu would do whatever she was going to do, and Sasami would most certainly work on finishing up the dishes with Ryo-Ohki lending a hand.

That appeared to be happening in front of me.

Check-a-roony…

I saw my chance to earn my meal. Without so much as a word, I fell into place at the sink. My foot only protested as much as it would normally do after six hours at work. Which was good, because as soon as I managed to bump Sasami down one spot, I pretty much took over the sink as my territory. I do this at work too. Now, food service isn't the best of professions, but you get good at what it has you do. So compared to a lunch rush, these dishes here were nothing. Though, I did curse the fact that the huge sinks and power soaks had me spoiled. Who wouldn't? When you were used to washing all the dishes in a sixty-gallon 'bath tub' for a sink, pitiful little kitchen sinks just felt cluttered.

With the dishes out of the way, I returned to the living room and settled back onto the couch as Washu disappeared back into her lab. No doubt getting back to investigating the weirdness that was my appearance. Now that everyone was up and about…

 

Well, almost everyone... Ryoko was napping on the rafter again.

I decided to occupy myself with a little television. As I remembered, Washu had it set up so they got galactic scale television reception. Time to go channel surfing.

Two hours later, it was settled. Over two thousand channels, and there was nothing good on TV. I'd been through most of them rather quick. They had sports, they had news, they had galactic court TV, the galactic vacation channel… There were soaps, game shows; reality TV, kids shows…

Ultimately, I just left it on The Weather Channel, being the only channel I found that I could understand. And they were hosting Storm Stories. Thank you galactic television reception, at least you had the decency to pick up Earth channels.

I'd imagined myself in exciting scenarios, fighting space pirates and defeating the villains in epic showdowns. Winning the girl, saving the world… But you know… This almost seemed like the ass end of some cosmic joke.

Here I was living the moment and tossed into the most fantastic environment I could imagine, and what was I doing?

Watching the idiot box.

What was everyone else doing? Well, it was either snoring (Ryoko), chores (Sasami), bitching about Ryoko not doing her chores (Ayeka), or flipping through a children's popup book (Ryo-Ohki).

Somebody shoot me now, I'd almost welcome the princess trying to barbecue me. Almost…

The next event of any particular note came around lunch. Lunch was a light affair in itself. I managed to weasel my way into helping Sasami cook, just to have something to do for thirty minutes. I realized as I did so that I was starting to pick up numbers and took the time to exercise my newly acquired smarts to help the child count sandwiches.

Ichi ni san… Ichi ni san…

After lunch, when Sasami returned from taking Tenchi and Noike their boxes, I was, once again, trying not to lose what little intelligence had survived the morning TV session after having found the History Channel somewhere in the mid 3500s... I was failing slowly up until I ran smack into an episode of 'Lock N' Load' with R. Lee Ermey. 'OORAH! Now we're talkin!

The 'OORAH! was short lived though. The episode was on shotguns. Seen it…

The sudden bizarre half-pop, half-swish sound and the way the couch shifted indicated Ryoko doing her half-teleport from the rafter. A second later, Washu emerged from her lab. And within seconds of that, Ayeka, Sasami, and Ryo-Ohki managed to turn up out of the woodwork and park themselves around the TV.

I didn't need any prompting to understand, so I simply held the remote to the side, where it was snatched away by the scientist. She paused for just a second to see what I had been watching, but continued a moment later to a channel in the thirteen hundreds.

If I had been bored before, this was torture. I knew they liked their soaps, and I was willing to give an intergalactic soap the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, even now only starting to pick up small bits and pieces of simple phrases and numbers, I had it figured out half way into the episode.

All the women in the show were out to get each other for sleeping with their husbands/boyfriends. At least two were pregnant. The mother-in-laws were all working to back stab their son-in-laws over some slight just to get their money. The guys were invariably suffering from amnesia due to space ship accidents, hiding their affairs from their girlfriends, or were actually space pirates.

In short, everyone had taken his or her stupid pills.

"Kill me now, I think my frontal lobe just melted," I droned.

"The trick is to pick a character and root for them," Washu advised.

"I'd rather have my brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick," I muttered in response.

I now understood why they called them soaps. They cleaned your brain of any intelligence. Having had just about all I could handle, I decided to get out of there while I still could. Standing up abruptly, I quickly apologized ('Gomen') for getting between the princess and her free brainwash as I made myself scarce.

Ayeka snorted in contempt, but kept her eyes fixated on the TV as she muttered a reply at me. I still couldn't entirely pick up what she said, but I froze about half way past the couch when part of the comment registered.

'Hentai…'

Okay, so I can understand how someone suddenly waking up in your bed one day looks. And I can understand how that can leave one sour for a while. But GIVE ME A BREAK. I hadn't done anything. I hadn't tried anything 'funny'. And I'd been doing my best to keep to myself the entire day. PLUS I pretty much had the 'OK' from Washu of all people. You'd figure I'd be clear of all charges. Right? Dammit, it was just plain infuriating.

I held the spot while taking a deep calming breath, glaring at the princess out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to retaliate. The Little Hulk in me wanted to smash. I, however, stood a snowflake's chance in hell. Ayeka alone could sink an aircraft carrier bare handed. And even if I could have won such a fight, it would have simply reflected badly on me for attacking anyone over that kind of slight, especially a young lady. I had to settle for a trivial level insult.

"Asshole," I shook my head, and focused on a quick exit.

I know Washu caught it, even as preoccupied as she was. Because that mane of red hair came around so fast the tail end whipped Ryoko in the face. I heard her snap something in Japanese as I opened the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the deck facing the lake. Behind me, Ayeka seemed surprised by Washu's comment, and argued something in response.

Ignoring any further indecipherable dialogue, I wandered out on what I guess you could technically call a pier. The lake wasn't too special up close. Just an isolated crater-lake courtesy of Yosho and Ryoko seven hundred years prior... I doubt it even had fish. I couldn't remember if it did. But a body of water this small and isolated wasn't likely to have any large aquatic life.

Sitting down on the edge of the pier, I stared at my reflection in the water as I let my temper evaporate. It wouldn't be any good to dwell on it and let myself get worked up to a frothing rage. Ayeka was a character who held an opinion for a while. I'd be lucky to get on her good side in a month. Still, calling me a pervert even though I had no real control over the situation was as close to calling me a liar to my face as you could get. And if you wanted a list of things that acted as my own personal berserk button, it was number-one.

The incoherent argument behind me suddenly picked up in intensity. I could hear the princess' tinny voice snap several indignant retorts, which were quickly countered by Washu, sounding almost angry. It continued for a few more seconds when suddenly, Ayeka seemed to shout in surprise.

There was a loud pop directly in front of me followed by a splash as water suddenly shot into the air. A moment later, a mass of hair emerged followed by the sound of sputtered curses as the princess made known exactly what she thought about that one.

And for all the awesome in it, seeing this joke come to life right in front of me seemed to make for fair exchange for the crap I'd dealt with today. Washu had just given the princess an impromptu cooling off moment… By teleporting her directly into the lake. 

I laughed.

Ayeka glared as I shook my head at the sight. Soaked head to toe, with five and a half feet of sopping wet purple hair floating around her. Absolutely hilarious… Considering how much work it is to take care of regular amounts of hair. I figure that with as much hair as she was tall, Ayeka was going to be spending a considerable portion of the afternoon trying to get the algae out of it.

The princess burbled angrily at me a little more as I tried to get over my fit. I was probably safe for the moment since Washu probably had more creative punishments in mind if she tried to lash out. But enough was enough…

Taking a deep breath to calm down, I walked to the edge and leaned down, reaching out to help the thoroughly humiliated Juraian Noble. 

"Here," I commented, shaking my head again.

She continued to glare at me but finally gave in and accepted my assistance. Hauling her out of the water was not as easy in practice as it sounded. Apart from soaking her hair, she was wearing that blasted three-piece Juraian outfit with the fancy vest-looking bit. In just a few seconds it probably soaked up twenty to thirty pounds of water.

After nearly pitching in on top of her from misjudging the balance, I managed to help her crawl up on the deck and out of the water. A minute later, she stood there looking at me for the first time without that scowl. Y'know, I hadn't had time to notice until now, but she really was taller than I was.

Ayeka took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. Then as quickly and curtly as she could, bowed and apologized. I guess that argument was fiercer than I thought. 

Seeing what she was doing, I did my best to put on my game face before I stuck my hand out. Seeing this, she hesitated, looking at my hand as if it were a snake. Then slowly, she reached out. I took the initiative to finish with a firm, business-like handshake.

"No problem," I responded. Yeah, English I know. But I think that despite the language gap, the tone and body language got the message across.

"That's the spirit!"

I think I about jumped out of my skin as Washu popped up from behind and slapped me on the back hard enough to stagger forward. Jesus fucking Christ! How does she manage to teleport so that she doesn't even make the air pop?

The princess laughed at my expression, a fair reversal of humor. I'll grant that.

"I knew you two could get along," Washu continued. "Ayeka just needed to cool her head a bit." 

That's my joke god-dammit! Quit stealing my thunder!

Of course, before I could do anything about it, Washu was dragging the soaked girl back to the house. Probably filling her in on what she missed of that monstrosity before she would have to find a change of clothes and grab a bath. 

Speaking of bath… I spun around and started looking again. I can't believe I didn't think about that earlier. Ryoko's floating onsen was probably just about as cool as some of the stuff in Washu's lab. Not AS cool, but it was a floating bathhouse. That had to count for something.

I could explore that thing. No! Not while it was occupied! I'm not suicidal. 

Thinking about it more, I really don't know why I didn't go around and explore the place sooner. Tenchi's house wasn't the only thing around here. There was the lake, Yosho's tree Funaho, the shrine itself, and the cave. That was enough wandering around to keep me busy. A change of clothes, a little hiking around and a bottle of water and I could kill a day or two just wandering around the-

'CRACK-BOOM!'

That had to be the loudest gunshot I've ever heard. What was that? A fifty?

It's kind of funny how some pieces don't fit into place right away. Even as I listened to the echoes of the sound, it occurred late that nobody would be permitted to have a weapon like that in Okayama. Or rather, all of Japan… So what I heard couldn't have been a gunshot. Maybe a backfiring muffler on a car… but this was way too loud for that.

I must have been a little slow, because after a second I realized the echoes weren't echoes at all, but a trailing sound like that of a passing jet. A sonic boom from a passing jet.

That in itself made me crane my neck, only to find nothing in the sky. Well typical… By the time you heard the boom, the aircraft would be a minute downrange anyway.

Except… No.

Nobody is supposed to be going supersonic. And just why was it so damned quiet all of a sudden? There were birds going non-stop a minute ago.

If the possibility had been a snake, it would have bit me. Looking around again as the sounds faded it was eerily quiet. Mihoshi was on the way in, that had to be it. But… If I already heard the boom, that means I'm behind her?

'CRACK-BOOM!'

This was louder than before, along with the roar that was most clearly some kind of air or spacecraft. I was beginning to wonder if the pier was really the best place to be… Even as the sound suddenly made a sharp rise in pitch, and went quiet.

Remember that T-47 guidance beacon? Do you know what it is? Neither do I, but I had a guess. It was probably the galactic equivalent to an ILS localizer beam. An approaching spacecraft would lock onto it during reentry and use it to navigate an approach that was safe. Without such a beacon, a pilot would have to rely on a combination of navigational computer information, and a visual method of approach. It became abundantly clear what Mihoshi's approach procedure was as I broke into a dead sprint for the house.

Mihoshi would be flying her reentry approach visually with Japan as a reference, so her approach angle would be high. So would her speed. Normally spacecraft come in shallow and bleed off speed in a series of S turns. Mihoshi would lose her reference visual if she came in that shallow. So instead, the procedure would be to come in very steep and fast circling the Okayama prefecture while bleeding speed until she spotted the landmarks she knew. Probably around twenty thousand feet on a clear day… Then she'd do the starship equivalent of a carrier landing into the lake.

And the reason I didn't see anything in the sky? A storming device... The Tenchi-verse equivalent to a cloaking system that was used to prevent primitive worlds, or Tokyo Center air traffic control, from detecting them. Yukinojo was equipped with one.

I nearly fell over Washu and Ayeka as I scrambled to open and shut the sliding door as fast as I could. To their surprised looks, I simply panted out one word to explain everything.

"Mihoshi…"

One second later all the windows in the house thumped, and I was treated to the really awesome front row seat of a Mihoshi lake landing. A jet of water suddenly leapt over a hundred feet into the air, causing a brief shower as a wall of water washed up and swept over the pier. Had I been standing there, I'd have likely been going for a swim right about now.

It was actually quite brilliant how it worked out. Something I examined as I watched the lake steam a little, ten minutes later. Not only was Mihoshi's approach procedure a lot more intelligent than it appeared on the surface, but the fact that she slammed into the lake each and every time actually served its own purpose. It was a quick method to cool the ship off after a very sharp reentry. It also served as an ad-hoc braking system since her reverse thrusters had the power of a small nuclear device and couldn't be used after the obvious results from the first time she did it.

It was always hinted that Mihoshi was a LOT smarter than she acted. I wasn't sure how much it was conscious planning. But considering how many times she must have done this without killing anyone, or taking out an unsuspecting jetliner during the descent, I suspected there was some kind of logic hiding in there that she followed.

["Tadaima!!!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZTS8S6Lq3g)

The apparent ditz personality combined with this insane 'accidental' genius was the thing that drove Washu nuts, and I could see why. Just thinking about it after witnessing it was making my head hurt.

One thing was certain though. After she got one glance at me, I knew Mihoshi had my entire profile and apparel completely memorized. I guess I had been filed away in her mind as a guest. As from what little I was starting to catch of the conversations, she pretty much exchanged greetings with everyone, announced she would be going to bed, and vanished up the stairs without so much as a glance in my direction to indicate an inquiry.

And it was over just like that. The most excitement I had seen all day since I had woken up in this would-be fantasy. Ayeka vanished to get her bath and fix her hair, and the others returned to watching their soaps.

Somehow, I was expecting the arrival of Mihoshi to mean all kinds of trouble. Or at least mark the beginning of the excitement. Not to be one self contained packet of excitement amidst a day of boredom.

Unfortunately, as the afternoon wore on towards three-ish, it was becoming clear that Ryoko probably had the best idea after all. Sprawled out like a cat, AGAIN, on the rafter.

Screw it. I think I'll just follow her example. Besides, I probably lost a bunch of sleep this morning. I could use a nap to stay in top form.


	4. Chelonaphobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a question to ponder. 'How do you react to a situation?' I ask this because this is one of those little tidbits you have to think about. How DO you react to a situation? Would you really react like that? How long did it take you to plan that?
> 
> Much like how your dialogue can be fine-tuned in writing, so can your actions. It is to say that because you are writing; you already know the right and wrong answers to all situations. Knowing this, it is easy to determine the actions at any given point. Being armed with foreknowledge of the 'plot' becomes an unintended 'tactical advantage'. So what you have to ask yourself is: how do you go about separating the knowledge you have of the plot as a writer, and the complete lack of direction you have as a character?
> 
> In reality, it may not be that you know what move to make, but that you recognize it at the time in question, in time to make that move. The difference between a well informed, planned move and a spontaneous 'looked like a good idea at the time' is a matter of actually having the time to think about it. Many of the worst actions that ever occurred were not the fault of stupidity on the person undertaking them, but rather the inability to think them through before it was too late. As they say: "Hind Sight is twenty-twenty."
> 
> So a prudent thing to ask would be how long it takes you to think of a response. How do you react to a complex situation under pressure? How fast can you perform problem solving, and to what complexity?
> 
> With those in mind, let us move along.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Chelonaphobia**

_"Strike it's weak point for MASSIVE damage!"_

* * *

 

 

I think that if I was ever asked what the most terrifying experience I ever had was, I would have told the person it was waking up one night in a place I didn't recognize, and getting chased around by people I could barely see and didn't know.

That was before.

When I had finally decided to just follow Ryoko's lead and take a quick nap, I think I was barely asleep when I was jolted awake by the loudest, highest damn pitched scream I had ever heard out of human being in my entire life.

The room was still trying to spin into focus when this was enunciated by a brutal blow to my ribs.

"FUCK!" I yelped, for lack of any other way to phrase having a rib cracked before you even knew what was going on.

As I rolled away from the direction of the blow, my brain tried to figure out why I was suddenly under attack on Tenchi's couch. The answer of course being, after I finally managed to see my surroundings, that I wasn't ON Tenchi's couch. Or in his house for that matter…

-The fuck?

I didn't really have time to take stock on my location though with my attacker, a girl with long dark hair, shouting obscenities at me while dressed only in her underwear. Any other time, any other place, this might have been a more inviting scenario. But here, trying to stand up while she shouted and threw bits of samurai armor at me, after having obviously been kicked in the chest… She could have been naked and I wouldn't have really noticed.

Having gotten to my feet, I managed to take something more or less resembling a balanced stance to try and protect my precious vital organs from an undue pummeling. However, when she ran out of armor to chuck at my face, the obviously freaked out woman grabbed the next thing in line.

A sword…

I immediately looked around to find an exit upon seeing this and discovered that it was rather conveniently across the room. This had the predictable result of placing she-hulk between me and a very hasty escape.

I didn't really process the practiced ease with which she pulled the blade out of the scabbard and raised it in one swift motion, but I knew she definitely wasn't afraid to use it.

"ZAN-MA-KEN…"

Wait a- Oh god! You're kidding me!

I threw myself sideways with everything I had. I didn't care what I hit. As long as I didn't impale myself on a spear, anything was better than getting hit by 'Boulder Cutting Blade'. It barely missed, but I could feel my ears pop as the attack took out the wall behind where I had been. I continued to tumble over, probably cutting myself on who knows what random bits as I thumped to the ground. My brain was slowly spooling up; kindly informing me that I just dodged _Motoko Aoyama's signature attack!_

* * *

**World 2: Love Hina**

Romantic Comedy / Semi-Harem Anime

_"Poster Child for the phrase 'Love Hurts', or a comical take on domestic violence...  It still hurts."_

* * *

 

Dodging it was probably a good thing. I'm not as durable as I look. And if that attack did to me what it normally did to others, it would:

Low end: Break several bones in my body after flinging me twenty feet through the air.  Of which the landing would probably kill me.

High end: Cause massive internal hemorrhaging and/or liquefy my internal organs on impact. Killing me instantly.

I'm not a fan of the effects being book-ended with 'kill me'.

My train of thought was nowhere near as eloquent as this transpired however. As far as I was concerned: Motoko swing sword, wall go BOOM! Sword bad!

My retaliation started with the first thing I could wrap my hand around, a piece of broken wood. Throwing it at her, I struggled to regain my feet as I found and threw another piece of broken knick-knack. They did little more than keep the vicious Aoyama from going for another all out attack, but that bought enough time to get back to a standing position.

My mind struggled to focus. Motoko would make coleslaw out of me in just a few seconds if I didn't get control. She had a weakness, I knew that much, but my shock and pain addled brain was having trouble connecting the dots fast enough to remember what should have popped up off the top of my head. If only I had an opening, just a few seconds to collect my thoughts…

"Motoko!"

It was no coincidence that others would arrive right around then. After her scream, and the kind of noise made by destructive violence, it was only a matter of time. And in the cold hard physics of reality, whatever amounted to physics these days, the response time for Keitaro Urashima was somewhere on the order of three, times ten to the first, seconds.

This could be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good because Keitaro's appearance distracted Motoko. Bad because, depending on where in the story I could be, she hated his guts and would likely become even more violent. And considering her current level of undress, the K-miester was certainly not a welcome sight to her.

Still, a distraction is a distraction. And while she was busy accusing Keitaro of setting this up, I had the thinking time I needed. Motoko Aoyama was the younger sister in her family and eventual heir to the 'Shin Mei Riyu.' In no uncertain terms, she was a master swordswoman. This meant that the only real chance I stood against her would be with a shotgun. Wouldn't you know? I don't have a shotgun. 'OORAH! Maybe I should have watched ol' Gunny a little more attentively.

Motoko was not without a crippling weakness, praise be the gods of drama for it. I knew it, now that I had time to remember it.

Turtles.

She was afraid of them. No, absolutely mortified by them. I couldn't see why. But right now, I didn't care. I had a weapon. And I knew how to say 'turtle' in Japanese.

"KAME!" I shouted, pointing at a random spot in the corner. "KAME! KAME! KAMEKAMEKAMEKAME!"

"KAME?!" Motoko's killer rage turning into a look of total dread as she spun to face the direction I indicated was a welcome sight. With my mind now running at N1, I knew that, while still dangerous, it was now possible for me to launch an offensive. And with her back presented to me, it was all or nothing.

'WHUD!'

United States Army Basic Combat Training covers a wide range of combat survival elements on top of the conditioning a soldier needs for battle. Among these are a series of courses for close combat. They included training in the bayonet, and a short set of classes on a form of grappling known as Brazilian Jujitsu. Mind you, I emphasize 'short' here, because six hours a day for two days learning the basic principles of grappling does not a master grappler make.

Still, the course teaches you enough to be dangerous. You learn to recognize a grappler from a striker, and know what to go for in terms of taking the fight to the ground.

As I plowed into Motoko like an offensive tackle coming off the snap, my advantages were clear. Between the two of us, Motoko had a decade of kendo-styled swordsmanship, and a number of open handed striking techniques that could knock walls down. I had two days of Brazilian Jujitsu, the 'Attack! Attack! Attack!' mindset of bayonet training, and out-massed her by a significant margin.

Once on the ground, she was useless.

Mostly...

I discovered quickly that for a small frame, her upper body was quite strong. Yours would be too if you spent a portion of each day just swinging a sword repeatedly. Luckily, underestimating her physical strength only counted as a minor problem. In groundwork, size and strength differences between two combatants were minimized and negated. I was bigger, and she was stronger.

I'd say it was about even.

Now, the drills back at Benning had always emphasized that 'Groundwork fucking SUCKS, but you're WINNING!' And they were definitely right about the sucking part. To a no doubt shocked Keitaro, it probably looked like some kind of kinky foreplay, a guy in pajamas rolling all over the ground with a near-naked girl, probably grabbing places that would normally be quite inappropriate to grab. But I can guarantee you; there was nothing enjoyable going on here. Groundwork is probably the most brutal, dirty, and personal form of fighting to grace the halls of close combat. And as we struggled around in a tangle of limbs, Motoko was battering the hell out of me anywhere she could throw a punch or a kick whenever she got free. But the core point of the matter was that for all the beating I was getting, she was still trying to use STRIKING methods without any leverage or proper grounding. She was fighting the wrong way for this. So, yes, it did suck, but I was winning.

I think.

She managed to roll me on my back once and sat straddling me; just enough time to sock me in the face before I could plant a foot and tip her off me. That probably broke my nose, but I wasn't even feeling anything at this point. I just wanted to win.

I caught a break somewhere in the mess when she tried to straddle my stomach and sock me again, and managed to wrap my legs around her waist. With control of the waist comes control of the center of gravity, and control of one's opponent. Twisting as hard as I could, I used my leg power to throw her sideways.

Now, during the bayonet training we received in Basic, we participated in the most fun sport of bashing each other with Pugil Sticks. Does anyone remember American Gladiators? Probably not, so I'll get to the short of it. It consisted of two people with padded sticks beating the crap out of each other until one was knocked out of a ring or off a platform. Great fun…

My experience entailed being paired off against a guy a good head taller than me. A recipe for disaster in most fighting circles. But believe it or not, I did pretty well against this guy. I attacked, and I drove him back quite well.

My mistake, however, was pausing both to breathe, and to look for an opening so I could inflict a 'kill' shot. At which point he regained his composure, and pummeled me. It was all about momentum. If you lost it, getting it back was a bitch.

I remembered that lesson to this very day. And I knew that if I didn't maintain the momentum I had going for me here, and keep Motoko ON the GROUND, it would be over in a heartbeat.

So as I saw her try to get her legs under her, I lunged with probably everything I had left.

Now, one may be wondering what exactly I aimed to accomplish in keeping Motoko on the ground if I wasn't trying to pin her or beat the tar out of her. Truth was, I was looking for a very specific position, stupid as that was to do in a fight like this. But her attempt to crawl to her feet combined with my lunge was EXACTLY what I wanted.

I managed to land on her back and get my arm wrapped around her head as my weight forced her back to the floor. In the process, I took an elbow to the ribs as she reflexively lashed out. My poor ribs…

But now with my goal in sight, I refused to let go. Aoyama got desperate.

With my arm presented right in her face as I tried to maintain a hold around her struggling, she opened wide and bit down as hard as she could.

You want me to describe what it felt like? It felt like someone biting you. Yes, it hurt very much.

Between her growl and my pained yelp, it was very much a highly uncivilized and vicious brawl. But I needed to end this, so I reached with my free hand, taking another impact to my chest as I did so and just grabbed at her face.

There's a little trick you should know. If you grab a person by the nostrils, and pull, their head goes wherever you want. I used this little fact to pull up, raising her chin enough to slip my arm around her neck while getting her to let go.

Bingo. I had her.

Motoko continued to struggle, shouting now that her mouth wasn't full of my flesh, but each time she did so, I managed to lock my arm into place around her neck a little better until it settled right into the crook behind my elbow. Then I grabbed my wrist with my free hand and pulled.

Despite how it appeared, I was NOT trying to break her neck. In fact, through this whole thing, I had yet to even hurt the girl. No, what this was, was a submission hold intended to cut the flow of blood off from the brain. It was the core of our measly two days of training in Brazilian Jujitsu. I had been on the receiving end of it, and it's quite effective. In fact, once I had the lock firmly in place, Motoko would probably only last about-

'Thud'

Six seconds.

The younger Aoyama passed out, her body going limp, aside from some spasms of her limbs. And finally, it was over.

After a few seconds, just to make sure, I let go of her and rolled away, breathing hard as I managed to force my body to its feet, shaking. I had won, but it didn't feel like it.

Coming out of the tunnel vision I had of the struggle, I could hear a combination of 'Nani' and other assorted voices of concern. Not only had Keitaro been there, and been too surprised to get in the middle of it, but the other girls that lived in the place as well.

"Daijoubu…" I managed to spit between ever increasingly painful breaths. "She's still breathing."

I wasn't surprised when they looked at me like I was some insane stalker. I looked like hell. My nose was bleeding, my arm was bleeding, I was wheezing badly, and there were scratches, cuts, and bruises all over me. No, I was surprised how they didn't swarm me to beat me to a pulp. After a fight like that, I was too spent to deal with anyone else, not even little Shinobu.

I guess it's because of whom I just defeated. Motoko was the house muscle. To the eyes of people who didn't have any kind of fighting background at all, I must have looked pretty powerful to take out Motoko. That would explain perfectly why they were giving me wide berth as I stood there panting and wheezing.

"You," I pointed at Naru, who flinched slightly. Yeah, they were a bit scared. But I just pointed at Motoko's prone form, still twitching on the floor. "Help her…"

The girl seemed to look at me confused. My mind was so addled I wasn't sure what I was saying in Japanese, and what I was saying in English. All I could tell was that I was intermittently swapping English out here and there in my short phrases.

"HEL-PU, MO-TO-KO," I panted between wheezes, indicating her again. Come on Naru; stop acting out of character for the person I recognized. You're learning English in school. Is it really that hard?

She eyed me a little more, fear starting to melt away when it was obvious I wasn't going to attack anyone else. And finally, she rushed in and bent down to check the swordswoman. I took that time to start limping for the door. I'd rather not be in the same room when Motoko woke up. The girls moved back automatically as I did so, clearing enough room to make it into the hall. The only person who didn't back off, was Keitaro. For a spineless blockhead, he had some guts if you knew what to look for.

Yeah, I could TRY and get away before the full weight of what just happened came down on my head. But at this point, I wouldn't get down the steps. I could feel the injuries reporting in from all over my body now. My knee was added to the list of things that were FUBAR.

And yes, it did suck, but I won.

Coughing a little as I limped over to a wall, I made it pretty clear I wasn't going anywhere, and painfully sat myself down against one of the Hinata's support beams. Ugh… Pain. You know what? I think I'll just die right here. If you need me, bring some defibs, 'kay?

That aside, I finally took stock of my situation. Woke up in Motoko's bed, fought her for my very survival, won (barely), and I most certainly look like a stalker or burglar or any other assortment of descriptions you find on a criminal record. I thought I had been screwed after waking up in Ayeka's bed. This time you could probably put assault on the list.

About the only thing going for me is I think Washu's fixer-upper shot that she'd given me was still active. Because it was starting to feel like my entire body was covered in Icey-Hot. If that were the case, I'd be good as new by some time in the afternoon... Maybe.

Something else was bugging me though. Sitting there, and watching the group dote over Motoko, I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Hey! Who are you big brother?"

The first full Japanese I'd picked up and understood thanks to Washu's little shot, and it had to be the one to make me jump while I was already hurting.

You had to leave it to Kaolla Su to do that to a person. When she wasn't asleep, Su was like a coiled spring. A bundle of energy ready to be unleashed on her next unsuspecting plaything. The girl was holding a glass of water in one hand, and seemed oblivious to my current state, or the overall situation for that matter.

And then I remembered. That's what was bugging me. Su slept with Motoko. But during the fight, Su wasn't there. Otherwise, she would have jumped on my back like a monkey. The glass of water in her hand explained why.

The normally energetic blond tornado continued to look at me a bit longer, obviously taking inventory of my features. And finally seemed to notice the general look of 'beaten up guy' I radiated, what with the bloody nose, cuts, bruises, and all that.

"Water?" she asked, holding the glass out to me. I guess I looked pitiful enough even to her.

Actually, I was feeling rather thirsty. Now that I thought about it, I was really thirsty. Maybe it was the nanites. The way they were making my entire body feel like it was wrapped in a heating pad, I was probably sweating like I had a fever.

Taking the glass, I mumbled a thank you and slowly chugged it down. I really was thirsty.

We both almost jumped when Naru snapped at her from Motoko's room. The phrasing was broken in my mind, but at least part of it was 'Su, get away', and 'dangerous'.

Su responded with a quizzical look.

"He scary no look," I think she said. "Too much he hurt."

Washu's stuff was definitely starting to make its effects known. It felt garbled in my mind, but it made sense.

"Who hurt?" Another new voice, this one from the slightly older woman coming up the hall behind Su. Haruka...

"I hear noise," she continued. I had the feeling I was going to pick up more and more scraps of conversation like this.

"He," Su pointed at me, earning me a glance from the teahouse manager the same way someone would look at a crushed cockroach. "Big brother scary no look, too much hurt."

"What happen?" Haruka asked.

The next few minutes of conversation were too complicated to understand in full, but I got the gist of it through the snippets I could pick out now. And I definitely noticed the look of shock on Haruka's face when Keitaro explained what happened to Motoko.

Motoko awoke within about a minute of this and seemed surprised to find herself on the ground. I remember the same thing from my experience. Feels like you just woke up from a nap, so you don't immediately remember exactly what happened in the last five minutes. Just looking at the two of us, you'd think she won the fight.

When she finally caught up and remembered what had happened, it was with all her friends and Haruka there to keep her under control. Thank god, because round two would have been all hers. Haruka got her account of events, and seemed perplexed, asking Su if she'd seen anyone.

Apparently she found it odd how I could appear and slip into Motoko's futon undetected in the time it took Su to fetch a glass of water. That's how I interpreted it anyway. And frankly, I don't blame her. This is the second time I've woken not merely in someone else's bed, but in another universe. A 'fictional' one…

Haruka instructed them to stay back as she walked over to me and crouched down. She was glaring, but it was a neutral kind of glare. An 'I want answers' glare.

"Daijoubu?" she asked.

Normally, I would have replied with as close as I could get to 'I've dealt with worse.' But really, I haven't dealt with worse.

"Daijoubu…" I nodded.

"You stand?" She continued. I nodded and grit my teeth, forcing now horribly stiffened muscles to bend against their will as I pulled myself to my feet. Breathing hurt, I was 'on fire' from Washu's nanos working in overdrive and my knee was now certainly fucked up. I'm not entirely sure if Motoko did it, or I did it taking that flying leap out of the way of her signature move.

"You come?" she asked. Well, I understood it as asked, but the tone implied more of a command. I chuckled in almost spasm at the thought, but began limping in the direction she had come at the death-defying pace of: _Slow as molasses._

The teahouse manager rolled her eyes and turned.

"Keitaro," she ordered, indicating me. It was clear enough to figure this one out; even for Keitaro. And with his shoulder to help, I was moving along at something resembling a functional crawl.

What would happen next, I could only guess at. But for the moment, I was alive.


	5. Lifeline: Phone a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you exist in a vacuum? Are you alone in a universe where the only things that happen are the things you observe? Of course not! Stuff happens every day without your express approval, and it will continue to do so until the end of time. So why would a character in a story exist in a vacuum?
> 
> Existing in a vacuum is a mechanism of plot in which all other characters and events happen solely at the behest of the author tweaking them for the hero. And they do so regardless of whether or not they are likely to happen or not. Essentially, everything only exists while the reader is observing it. This particular little mechanism can be quite the story killer. Everyone just happens to show up, where they need to be, when they need to be there. There is no logical reason why they should be there aside from making the story work.
> 
> Depending on the complexity of the story and the cast involved, this can be gotten around most of the time with very vague explanations of what's going on elsewhere. However, as I discovered writing battle sequences for MSLN Test Dummies, stitching a coherent series of events together so that everybody feels like they're operating intelligently as individuals in a larger group is a daunting task. It's almost prudent to have a timeline and coinciding map to work out a series of events that works best.
> 
> So part of the facts to think about when going through a story, is what other people are doing, and whether or not that would be logical for them to be doing it. In the easy case of a fight, all sides are trying to WIN.
> 
> As an author, can you 'play chess against yourself' and make it look like a believable battle of wits?
> 
> Let's return to the story.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Lifeline: Phone a Friend**

_"When you need an alibi..."_

* * *

 

I'm not one to complain. Well, that's not really true. I complain a lot. But I have a very strange pattern. I complain rampantly about trivial shit when it bothers me, but never about things that I really should be complaining about. Call me weird, but that's me. It's 'too warm in here', but no, my broken toe doesn't hurt. Not unless you ask me…

So naturally, by the time Keitaro managed to help me hobble my way from the Hinata House proper down the stairs at the front, and into Haruka's Teahouse. I was absolutely NOT feeling any pain, even though breathing hurt, my head hurt, my arm hurt, everything else was sore, and I felt like my knee was about to fall right off.

Instead, I had eyed a collection of cups and a water faucet almost the moment I had appraised the room. And despite Keitaro trying to guide me one way at Haruka's direction, I made it quite clear that I was thirsty.

Actually, I was really thirsty, desperately so. Su's glass of water helped before, but it just wasn't enough, and by the time we'd scrambled down that nightmare mountain of steps, it felt like I was back in Georgia baking in the summer heat on the rifle range.

Now, the Teahouse had a collection of various drinks available, and it was easy to spot them as I freed myself from Keitaro and hobbled to the cups. But for a long while now, I've been in the habit of avoiding sodas. Why? They make you fat. People just underestimate how fast a soda (or six) a day can raise your weight. But think about it, it's essentially carbonated liquid sugar. You'd be amazed at how easily a diet can be controlled just by keeping your fluid intake almost all water. I'm overweight, but it's been stable for a while now. That, and caffeine does something weird to my system that makes me break out. It's generally better to avoid it if I don't want to look like I'm fourteen for a week.

Thirsty as I was suddenly feeling, it would have just annoyed me anyway. So I'm willing to bet that once it was clear I was going to the faucet, Haruka had relaxed a little. After all, the drinks would be inventory. And inventory costs money.

I'm not exactly rolling in money to start with, and the Yen is not the currency I would have on my person anyway. I'm not even going to go into exchange rates here.

Either way, Haruka watched my every move as I proceeded to down what I'm guessing was four twenty-ounce glasses of water, in short order. That's two and a half quarts for those of you breaking out the calculators. I've never been that thirsty. It felt awkward to be taking the kind of liberty I was like this, but I really didn't care right at the moment.

Finally, insatiable thirst under control, and the burning sensation redoubling its efforts, I managed to set the glass down with a sigh.

Haruka hadn't missed a beat, indicating a small table nearby with little more than a thinly lidded glare. Now, if I knew my lore well enough by now, which saved my skin with Washu, I was about to be interrogated. I really hope this doesn't become a common event.

Unlike Washu though, Haruka wasn't the greatest scientific genius in the universe, and she wasn't a goddess. She was a stubborn, icy tempered, pragmatist, with half an eye on the bottom line at all times. If you pissed her off, she was capable of going Rambo on your ass. In a way, it's like Slappy Squirrel was imported into Love Hina.

Personally, I didn't WANT to piss her off. I barely survived Typhoon Motoko. I wouldn't be able to withstand a category five Hurricane Haruka. Problem is, again, she's NOT Washu, so her background in metaphysics is rather lacking. Which meant I was already on thin ice, because dimension hopping is not an acceptable answer to the questions that were about to come flying at me.

I mulled over these thoughts as Haruka calmly sat herself down across from me and lit up a cigarette. Those things will kill you, you know. Not that she cared…

I'm not privy to interrogation techniques. It's not something I've looked into. But I'm pretty sure that, after the looks of annoyance she had given me for having to get up and deal with this whole situation, she wasn't sitting around taking her time because she FELT like it.

She wanted me nervous. She wanted me to wonder what was going to happen to me so I'd spill as soon as possible. Eh, waste of time if you ask me. I spent the extra time trying to sort the mess out in my head. And in my conclusion, much like my conclusion when I woke up in Ayeka's futon… I was probably screwed no matter what.

"So…" she began. Then proceeded to ask a long, complicated question. Dammit! She went for the throat right there. That's only reason I could think of for a question so complex.

My dumbstruck look made her smile a shark-like grin.

"I right?" she asked. Thank you simple phrase.

"No comprende," I responded, then internally kicked myself. Spanish, Japanese, Japanese, Spanish! You never know when a phrase from another language is going to butt into your train of thought. Especially when you know fragments of several languages. Haruka just seemed as confused at my response as I was at her big question.

"Poor talk," I tried to formulate my response in Japanese as best as I could. "Slow talk, words easy."

Haruka leaned back, seeming to understand the problem. Then fired again, seemingly resigning for a long talk.

"In bed of Motoko, why?" she asked. Keep it simple, thank you.

"Wouldn't believe me, if you I told." I responded. Now that I thought about it, the way I understood it at the moment was like listening to horribly scrambled Yoda-Speak.

For an English speaker, the altered structure of Japanese was a headache. Things got moved around, and there's far more emphasis on context to determine meaning. There were some phrases you could say that would mean about four different things simply by changing up how you said it, even by changing your pitch. There was a reason a translation of Japanese on something like Babelfish looked like gibberish in English.

"Listening I am," Haruka responded curtly. "Explain you now. Call cops I might not."

Oh yes, threaten me with the police. Watch the police find no records of my existence, anywhere. Deport me? Where to?

"Truth you want?" I asked. "Truth weird."

"Try me."

Wow, a phrase that can't be mistaken.

"Took nap on couch I did," I responded. "Awaken with kick know I next. Strange place I be... Scared, fought back. Use big attack, girl did. Break wall. Kill me, might have. Stop her safer."

Paint me green and call me a Muppet. I hope Washu's speech programming would sort that out soon. I'd like to understand flow of thought communication, not have to consciously play Legos with phrases.

"Lie you do," Haruka glared. "Impossible thing happen."

"Do I?" I responded. "In room, how get I? Like to know, I would. Second time, happen this. Third time, experience avoid I'd like."

Oh god… Even as I said that, the possibility of doing this again struck me. Jump a third time? And to where? I’ve landed in a girl's bed twice now. Would I land in a girl's bed again? How would I handle that? Twice now I've probably been the closest to getting killed I've ever been in my life.

"Have proof you?" Haruka asked with a now fully unmasked glare.

"Have otherwise proof you?" I countered.

'WHAM!'

Haruka slammed the table with both hands and leaned into my face.

"Toy not with me!" she snarled. "Know Motoko's name, do you!"

"Stupid I be, toy with you!" I snarled back, immediately regretting it with a wince as my injured rib protested. "Say name, they did."

Technically, that was intended to be a fib to cover my ass. But after a second to muse, I did remember that Keitaro had indeed shouted Motoko's name when he had charged in blindly. After that, I didn't hear a word uttered by anyone until the fight was over. I was too busy getting my ass beat black and blue for it. Haruka returned to her seat, masking her emotions again as she took a long calming drag off her cigarette. Goddamn, that thing stank.

Keitaro had backed off a little bit at our sudden snarling, and it seemed he decided to stay outside of striking range for the most part. Moving more or less behind me.

"Yes," she continued. "Toy with me stupid. Stupid you not. But impossible story is."

"Warned you I did," I responded.

I think I was starting to get a headache as well. This conversation was like trying to focus on reading a book without glasses on. I could force my eyes to focus enough to read something for a minute or two, but it really strained them to do so.

Keitaro's cell phone chose that moment to go off. I never would have judged the guy to be a Metal Gear fan. But the 'beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep' sound was unmistakable. But… Who the hell would call him this early in the morning? The two stooges he called friends, Shirai and Haitani? The Colonel? I kid.

'Beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep!' it repeated. Haruka glanced at Keitaro irritatedly. Pick up the phone dude. Though if you were to ask the SATCOM instructor from Ft. Gordon: 'SILENCE THE ALARM!'

Seriously though, my sense of humor was about to get the better of me. After a few more repeats of the ring, I was very tempted to make my voice scratchy and respond with: 'This is SNAKE.'

Fighting that little silly urge, I simply turned my head to the living punch-magnet and asked as best as I could over my shoulder.

"Answer phone you?"

Keitaro looked at me like I'd suggested crazy-talk. Did I phrase it wrong?

'Beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep!'

I almost jumped. It was much louder. Wait a second, Keitaro doesn't HAVE a phone! He had to use the landline on the train when he ran away from everyone. So… Then… Whose phone is-

I twisted back and forth looking around trying to find it, almost regretting that motion as I did so. The sound was coming from somewhere behind me. Haruka was about to get up too, noting the looks on our faces. Then I felt it twisting in the chair once more, something poked me in the back.

Leaning forward, I managed to bend my arm, grasp whatever it was, and pull it free with a tearing sound.

It was a crab, with feet made of Velcro. As soon as I recognized the design, my stomach almost jumped through the roof of my mouth. I fumbled with it as Haruka and Keitaro watched me curiously, trying to find what it did. When I depressed the face, the shell suddenly popped open, revealing a little component that looked like Bluetooth earpiece.

Almost shaking, I examined it as it beeped again. It had one button on the side. The symbol on it clearly labelled it as the call/answer button.

This could only be one thing, it was obvious.

Hesitating no further, I wrapped the arm around my ear and pressed the button.

For a moment… nothing.

"H-Hello?" I asked. Did this transmit?

"Well," a very familiar tone responded in crystal clear English. "It took you long enough."

"Washu!" I almost shouted. I could feel my body relax as if I had just thrown down an eighty-pound duffel bag. "I know I've only known you for a few hours, but you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice."

Haruka crossed her arms, looking mildly surprised. But she said nothing to indicate an interruption.

"Glad to hear it," Washu responded. "Ryoko told me what happened and I got on it as fast as possible."

"What happened?" I asked.

"You popped out of existence," Washu replied. "Ryoko says it was literally just a 'POP!' like a balloon. It woke her up, and you were nowhere to be seen. You sound a bit off… You okay?"

"…"

"You okay?" Washu asked more firmly.

"I've been better," I responded at length, glancing at Haruka, now looking rather sedate. "I woke up in the bed of another girl-"

"Oh, aren't we the ladies man?" Washu cackled.

"Shut up! It's not funny Washu!" I snapped back. "I just got the shit kicked out of me. It hurts like hell. And despite winning the fight, I feel like I lost."

"How bad?" she asked, tone going serious faster than ever.

"Messed up knee, broken rib," I began. "Bloody nose, probably broken too. Bruises and cuts all over, and a nasty bite on my right arm."

"You feel really hot?" she asked.

"Yeah," I began, blinking in surprise. "You know why?"

"That shot I gave you to heal your foot," she continued. "The heat means the nanites are still active. They repair damaged tissue by burning body fat to extract hydrocarbons and energy from the process. It's simply to keep from having to inject stuff into the host that's self-powered and actually has more potential energy than they do. The heat's the side effect. You'll have to be careful for a while."

"Explain," I all but ordered. Warnings in relation to me had a tendency to mean problems I didn't like.

"I geared them to your metabolism, and for your foot." Washu instructed. "Not anything larger or more complicated than that. I had them programmed to repair the damage at the optimal speed for the foot injury without causing impact to your system. Based on the injuries you just described, I calculate you'll be sweating half a quart of water an hour and will probably burn through four pounds of body fat by the time the damage is repaired."

"That's like running around on a hot day." I shook my head. Just what I always wanted! Heat stroke in an air-conditioned room! Lovely…

"So stay hydrated," Washu countered. "Eating isn't much of an issue right now. You've got plenty of fat to spare, and the nanites don't burn glucose. But don't go abusing it, or you'll find yourself literally starving yourself to death trying to heal."

"Right," I nodded, reading between the lines. Don't repeatedly get my ass kicked? That sounds like wonderful advice. I think I'll take that wisdom to heart. "I'll keep that in mind. How long before I'm on my feet again?"

"Try and stay off your feet for at least an hour," Washu responded. "Two or three if you can help it. The major injuries will actually be repaired faster than the minor stuff. Structural damage is prioritized over bruising and minor cuts. So you'll be sore most of the day, but it'll all be superficial."

"I'll try my best," I nodded. "I guess traversing a large staircase didn't help."

"I wouldn't advise it on a bad knee," Washu returned. "Anyway… Do you recognize where you are at all?"

I looked around. Keitaro was pretty much lost. I was talking way too fast in English for him to keep up. Haruka was just sitting back, looking quite bored with life as she stared intently at me. Her cigarette was almost reduced to a butt now.

"Yeah, actually," I replied at length. "It's another fiction of my world. A story called Love Hina."

"Checking," Washu chimed. "Nothing on it. What can you tell me about it?"

"It's a romantic comedy," I answered. "A loser guy gets put in charge of a girl's dormitory, and he eventually grows as a character into something worthy of the female lead's affections. All while helping the others grow as people. But not without constant perverted gags and some minor teen angst every step of the way. What do you need to know for?"

"Cataloguing," Washu replied. "I got a lot of data from that jump you made. But you jumped an absurd distance across boundaries as high up as the ninth dimension. In terms you can understand, you spontaneously translocated four hundred billion light-years. If I hadn't asked Tokimi for help finding my beacon, it might have taken me a month. If you continue to make absurd reality hops of this magnitude, I want to be able to assess any patterns that might crop up."

"Fair enough," I stated. Then started fingering the object that I'd pulled off my back. It was probably- "Is this crab thing the beacon?"

"Yes," Washu replied. "Keep it on you at ALL times. It's waterproof. Without it, it's a whole lot harder to find you. I'd have to try and trace the transmitter on the earpiece, or your astral pattern. It also gives me environment data."

I wordlessly pocketed the crab.

"Now," Washu continued. "What's your situation? You got beat up, but you're calm, so you must be safe."

"Safe enough," I replied, looking at the all too calm Haruka again. "If you call dimension hopping right into a swordswoman's bed, safe. Now I'm stuck in a makeshift interrogation. From what I know of the cast, they can handle some strange things, but I think spontaneously going through space and time is a bit beyond believable. So I don't know what to tell them. My… captor… is a 'Serious Business' type."

"I think I can help you out there," Washu commented. "If your captor is there with you, just give her the ear piece and I'll talk with her."

I nodded. Though, since I was talking to someone who couldn't see me, it was more reflex than anything. Unwrapping the 'crab-tooth' as I dubbed it from my ear. I turned to Haruka, holding it out.

To her benefit, she seemed a bit surprised at the sudden motion, but only indicated it by turning her head. The rest of her features remained more or less impassive. I'd forgotten just how neutral Haruka seemed to look half the time, even when she slapped the tar out of Keitaro. Taking it from me, she mimicked the motion I had made to wrap the tiny little communicator around her ear.

"Moshi-moshi…"

As Washu and Haruka launched into a brief conversation about who-knows-what, I stopped to ponder what she had told me. Four hundred billion light-years? Jeez, talk about frequent flier miles. I tried to visualize something that big. And I think the best image I could come up with mentally was this old picture I'd seen showing the known-universe as strands of galaxy clusters crisscrossing all over the place like giant cobwebs. A mere eight to twelve billion light-years in size. I really hope she could make heads or tails of any data I left in my wake.

In fact, the fact that Washu bugged me also meant she at least expected it. And if Washu expected it, it would probably be a good idea for me to expect it as well. That meant I should start plotting the best way to get out situations like this as fast as possible. Preferably with as little injury to my own body as possible…

The big problem though was that I had nothing to work with. I didn't know where I'd end up, and there was every possibility that I wouldn't recognize where I was when I got there. I guess I'm pretty much stuck with a problem I won't be able to solve until I get there. Oh man… What if I wake up next to Alma Wade or something? That experience would be unpleasant for the five or so seconds it would last. So long as I'm armed only with my wits, I'm only capable of taking on anything that's more or less just a plain human.

Haruka nodding and pulling the earpiece off her head interrupted my thoughts. Handing it back, she indicated that I should put it back on.

"Washu," she said.

Nodding, I placed it back over my own ear.

"I'm back."

"Okay listen up," Washu began. "I convinced Haruka to let you stay around there for the time being. It'll be better if you stay around some place you recognize."

"What exactly did you tell her?" I asked.

"I told her you were a test specialist for a piece of classified military hardware designed for infiltration," Washu explained. I could almost feel my heart sink like a submarine going for Emergency Deep. "It backfired, and you ended up there instead of the test location."

"And she bought that?" I asked incredulously.

"I threw big words and numbers at her," Washu cackled. "You'd be surprised how much acting the part of being a genius is throwing out big words and numbers. Do it with supreme confidence and only your equals can call bullshit on you."

"That's really not the best idea here," I returned quickly. "This place has a way of unmasking liars. I have fourteen volumes, two novels, a series, a post-series, and two movies of evidence to support that hypothesis."

"You want me to tell her you spontaneously teleport from universe to universe?" Washu asked. "You think she'd buy that one?"

"You could have come up with something a little more believable," I countered. "Military technology testing? That's so cliché it's not even funny."

"I didn't exactly have time to think on it," Washu replied. "But I'm also not stupid, you know that well enough."

"And Haruka's not an idiot either," I supplied. "She's the 'Straight-Man' character in a romantic comedy plot. That invariably makes her THE most competent person in the cast. She'll want PROOF."

"Don't worry," Washu chided once more. "I have you covered. I also told her you were also testing some healing nano-technology, and that it would help you get back on your feet in just a few hours. Just the fact that you'll heal from the injuries you have will be all the proof she'll need. So long as you don't open your mouth and tel-"

"STOP," I ordered. "Don't. Finish. That. Sentence."

"What's the matter?" Washu asked.

"Comedy fiction LOVES cruel ironies," I replied. "Don't invite one."

"Have it your way," Washu seemed to suppress a laugh. "I think you're being paranoid though."

"I'm way past paranoid Washu," I countered. Really now. Given what's been happening. I was four hundred billion light-years past paranoid.

"I understand," she stated. "Anyway, just go with the flow for now. Haruka will see to it you stay off your feet for a little bit. As long as you don't make yourself a pest that is. That shouldn't be a problem. I also told her that once you were up and about, you'd probably want to try and help out somewhere as thanks. I hope you don't mind I took that liberty."

Technically, I feel it's my decision to make regarding what I consider to be imposing. Even if I'd agree with you. But yeah, go ahead. You have the magic science; you're the boss, Washu. Do whatever you want.

"Glad to hear it."

Don't read my mind across dimensions! It's rude! How'd she do that anyway?

"I'm going to work on pinning your exact location down now," Washu continued. "So take it easy. You'll be fine."

"That I can do," I replied.

"Good," Washu's voice almost made me visualize a smirk. "Washu, out."

There was a click, and then silence. It felt like you just hung up the phone after a conversation with your mother while standing in the middle of Ft. Hell Nowhere. I hadn't realized I'd gotten attached to Washu that fast. Strange how that can work.

Pulling the communicator off my ear, I fished the crab out of my pocket and stuck the tiny little receiver back in the little case. When I finished, I looked up. Haruka was smiling slightly through her otherwise blasé stare.

She looked at Keitaro, who simply stared back, blank and confused, then returned her look to me.

"So…" she began.

I think my heart stopped.

"I guess what you said is true." Haruka almost seemed to enjoy saying it as I felt my face drain of color. "Comedy fiction really does like cruel ironies."

Now I for one… do not like to say things that might make me eat my words later. I absolutely despise putting my foot in my mouth. It makes me look stupid. I like not to look stupid.

Yet I wasn't feeling very smart as she leaned in and absolutely grinned around that cigarette butt.

Haruka. English? FLAWLESS? How. Did I miss. THAT?

There are odd times when my brain thinks a LOT faster than others, and I ran what had to be a mental inventory right on the spot. Straight-man character, blah-blah-blah, shark-like business sense, likes Seta, won't admit it, scary when angry, has insane fighting skills during former, hinted secret-agent life before Love Hina (treated as joke), traveled the world with Seta to places including the U.S.

Bingo…

"I appreciate the vote of confidence in my intelligence," she continued, leaning back. "And that conversation was, enlightening."

Secret's out! Now what? Did she actually believe what I was saying? How do I respond? Think, THINK!

Haruka scowled suddenly…

"Relax," she droned. "You look like you're about to pass out from shock. I thought I'd just get a laugh out of your reaction."

What? Wait, WHAT?

"Now that I've got the story, I think I can let you go," she continued. "It sounds absurd. But then again, Su does that whole age-changing transformation during the full moon bit. Tama FLIES. Keitaro can fall from the roof and only gets a bruise. What's a slider to add to the mix?"

I blinked.

"Just like that?" I asked incredulously.

Haruka nodded. Praise the lords of drama.

"BUT!"

Hold the praise…

"You are going to stay put," she pointed at me. "At least an hour. Doctor's Orders. After that, I'll let you wander around Hinata all you want."

"Er… What about the others?" I asked.

"Not my problem," Haruka shrugged. It was classic of her style. "I'll circulate Washu's story. With all tech bits Su uses, they wouldn't know the difference anyway. But getting along with them is YOUR job. I've got enough things to think about-"

Lie. You just don't want the headache.

"-day to day basis. You get bailed out this time, but if you start anything, it's your own grave."

I nodded. After the brawl with Motoko, I don't think I'd be up for another fight. Even in good shape. At best, I was lucky in exploiting the moment.

"For the time being though," Haruka continued, standing up. "Since you have nothing better to do."

It's always something.

'Thud!'

Haruka had retrieved a box and dropped it on the table in front of me.

"You can sort this box of assorted teas for me," she finished.

Make-work…

I HATE make-work...


	6. Life's Challenges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a lot of stories, the other thing to remember aside from what you do the other ninety-nine percent of the time is how the normal every day routines work out when you're busy being the hero. In a story, you take the normal things for granted. Food, shelter, clothes. They exist, but are rendered little more than part of the setting. A window dressing if you will. They're reflected upon when there's little else to go on about, and the rest of the time, the reader is left to assume all the Daily Business gets taken care of as required.
> 
> When the self-insert is thrown into a setting, it would be prudent to think about these essentials and factor them in. How long have you been wearing your clothes, what have you been doing, how does this affect you? Where will your next meal come from? When was the last time you shaved? Had a bath? Etc…
> 
> You take the boring stuff for granted in a story, but when do the essentials of daily life come back to haunt you?
> 
> Keep your mind open, the story continues.

* * *

**Chapter 6: Life's Challenges**

_"Duck, weave, concussion."_

* * *

 

I hate to say I told you so, but next time I hear from Washu, well… 'I told you so.' I think uncovering the truth before the lie could even be put into motion was a Hinata record.

Aside from that though, Haruka had decided that where I came from for real was better off being our little secret. At least for now. It wouldn't last. Not in Love Hina... If I had a watch, I'd be keeping a running time.

Not to long after the 'interrogation', Naru came down to check to make sure we, or rather Haruka and Keitaro, were more or less okay after hauling me away. She needn't have worried too much. If I became a threat, I think Haruka kept an RPG-7 in the back. She had to pull it from somewhere after all, right?

Nonetheless, when Naru entered the Café, she found that I had effectively taken over a large portion of the dining area, a circle of tables surrounding me, a box at my feet, and stacks of various tea envelopes. Oh yes, I'm male. If it's one thing I know how to do, its take up space. When I work, the work area expands very quickly until it's evenly spread. Luckily for Haruka, my inability to get up and move around kept my mess contained to the tables I had in reach.

I glanced up when the door squeaked, indicating Naru's entrance, and regarded her with little more than a headcount acknowledgement. I'm sure you've seen the look. You walk in a room, someone glances at you for a few seconds, and after you feel they've assigned a barcode to you, they go back to whatever they were doing.

This was almost the case save for the look of surprise I earned with my mess. I broke eye contact just long enough to toss a pouch into a moderately sized pile off to my right. When I returned, I was met by an unhappy scowl from Naru. You think she'd be happy to see the 'Hinata Stalker' again so soon? Feh… Whatever…

The best I could do in that situation was shrug at her, and go back to sorting. Half the shit was imports. The other half was domestic products whose labels I couldn't read. So I treated it like a game of Mahjong. Just match like-symbols and go with it.

Haruka was not the type to be easily impressed. I could tell immediately. But she was pleased at how quickly I sorted the box. Not impressed, but pleased. It's just sorting. I could do this practically in my sleep.

Of course, I'm sure you know the old rule about being good at something. Never excel at a task, or you'll be expected to do more of it. That certainly held true for what Haruka had for me. No sooner did I finish the first box then did she dump another box on me. Lovely…

On the plus side, I wasn't wanting for water. I downed another quart in the hour it took me to do the two boxes. And believe me, I was sweating it off. God, my clothes are going to SMELL. The other nice thing out of all of this was that Haruka informed me that if I finished these and a third box of items, she'd make me something to eat. Score! Motivation for the win!

So after two hours of work, sweat, water, and a good meal for my efforts, I found myself finished, full, and for the most part, bored. At want for anything else to do short of getting stuck in the kitchen all day, I decided to test out my recovery.

One word: Sore.

Washu was right. She's always right, but that's beside the point. Breathing didn't feel like hell itself, and my knee seemed not to protest at excess weight. But man, I still hurt. Ever done some kind of big sports activity and then paid for it a few days later? That's what it felt like with all the bruises.

When Haruka noticed my improved mobility, she nodded in approval, indicating I could pretty much leave. In fact, she about near kicked me out, saying that I should go find something else to do up the hill. (Just don't piss anyone off.)

Now, I wanted to explore the place, but I also knew that it would be pushing my luck to leave the 'sanctuary' of the Teahouse and wander into an environment full of hostiles, or potential hostiles.

But I suspect that the real reason Haruka wanted me out of there was to get me away before I could bother customers.

No seriously, I was a godawful mess. No shoes, no socks, still wearing those red pajama bottoms with the Tabasco logo, and the brown shirt. I was dirty, sweaty, and covered in dried blood in places. The big hint was when Haruka crinkled her face up when she approached me to inform me I could go.

It was all I needed to become self-conscious about my appearance. And I could understand why she wanted me out of there before business hours. Would YOU want to go eat or have tea at a place with a filthy, stinky, nasty guy hanging around? I was bad for business.

This presented a dilemma as I loathingly worked my way back up the Hinata's steps. I needed a bath. A bath, a change of clothes, and some shoes to wear… Or maybe some boots if I can manage it. The problem hadn't bothered me in Tenchi's house. But while there, things had been more or less just cushy lounging around the house for the day, much like I do at home on a day off. You could go a week like that so long as you kept the place cold. (Not that I would out of choice mind you…) I hadn't expected to find myself elsewhere, let alone before I needed some kind of change of clothes. And I certainly didn't expect to be put in a situation where they'd get so soiled, so quickly.

Finally at the top, my aching body thanked me for ending the torture session as I took in the view of the Hinata in the morning sun. Not a bad place. Turning around, I got a good view of Sagami Bay stretching out to the southeast. I traced the land curve to my left around the Kanagawa area until it ended on Jagoshima and the Jagoshima Lighthouse in the distance, roughly ahead, and slightly to the left.

I was two hundred miles east of Okayama. Really, it's just a quick trip to Haneda Airport, a quick forty-five minute flight to Okayama, and Tenchi could pick me up easily.

If I wasn't in an entirely different universe…

Turning around and setting the stuff I could do nothing about aside, I got to work plotting my next move. What can I control? And what do I need first? Priorities, priorities…

One: Bath. Hinata had an out door hot spring for the girls and a tub when they felt Keitaro needed to be banned from using it. Find Keitaro and ask him. I just needed to get cleaned. Whichever method doesn't matter.

Two: Clothes. Assuming Keitaro was reasonably in my size range, I could probably bum a fresh shirt and some pants off him. If not, I hope they have a housecoat or something while I'm doing laundry. Assuming anyone lets me do laundry.

Anything else I could probably do a little work for Haruka for if push came to shove. She'd probably work me like a dog, but it would probably be better than whatever the other girls would come up with. If you were on their shit list, expect hell.

"OI!"

Speaking of shit lists… Motoko! Crap! Options?

"Stop there you!"

No options!

Motoko came stalking towards me from the entrance as I pondered Washu's warning about regular humans trying to sprint down stairs. With retreat suicidal, I had no choice but to face her head on. She may or may not be trying to kill me, but I really wouldn't like to find out the hard way.

Without thinking, in an attempt not to agitate Motoko further, I let my body fall into parade rest. Don't ask me why, her temperament just struck a chord the way a drill sergeant would. It's reflex…

Once she got close enough, Motoko stopped and seemed to examine me quite carefully. She seemed to turn red in the face just a little after she did.

"Defeated I was," she began. "By you?"

Ah yes. Motoko has this thing about hating men, disliking weak slobs, and generally holding a grudge against anyone who manages to best her in some way. An inferiority complex of sorts thanks to her older sister and constantly living in her shadow. Normally she took out her frustrations on Keitaro.

This morning however, Keitaro had a substitute.

Can you guess who it is?

Need a hint?

Okay, so I look like the personification of everything Motoko hates in life. Only a very few select men got on her non-shithead list, and I could count those I knew on two fingers. Seta, because Seta's awesome like that. And Keitaro later on when he shapes up. Unfortunately, that left no room on the list for me. So I'm not on the list, I had the audacity to be born a guy, and I was in her bed uninvited… I'm overweight, and I managed to beat her in a fight. This could go two ways.

The first way is that Motoko is feeling slighted and vindictive and challenges me to a fight right here and now. A fight I will lose real quick without a strategy or a firearm. Because I highly doubt the turtle panic stunt will work twice, and I have no desire for a second ground fight.

The second way is that Motoko is feeling gracious to us lesser mortals and verbally assaults me with all kinds of threats and insults about my masculinity, my weight, and general slobbiness. I should go crying home to mommy about how people in the world are so mean, yadda-yadda… Ah, fuck it.

"I CHALLENGE!"

Vindictive it is. Great…

"What?" I began. "Now?"

"Hurt bad you not!" she snapped back. "Fight you can!"

Motoko threw me a bokken and took a ready stance typical of her style. I really didn't know how to get out of this one. It seemed that she had a knack for cornering me without knowing it. My aching body reminded me urgently that I was already at a disadvantage. But Motoko was stubborn as an ox when she wanted to fight. She chased Keitaro all the way up on the roof even though he was fleeing like a chicken with his head cut off. He only managed to pull even with her because she had been sick and kept passing out at critical moments.

I was going to have no such luck as I lacked character shields. I really wish I could pick these battles.

"Fight bad I do." I back-pedaled a little. "No want fight."

"Fight weasel you!" she snarled. "Manage you!"

I THINK that she just said I fought like a weasel, and would somehow manage. Which means, she knew I would cheat at the first given opportunity. On the sliding scale of honourable combatants, that put me pretty low down on the list in the opinion of someone like Motoko. As if I didn't have enough strikes against me.

And yes, if presented with an opportunity, I will cheat. Playing fair is for sports. Fighting is for winning.

"Defending self I was!" I continued, desperately trying to talk my way out of a situation I already knew was beyond my control. "Fight I-"

"NO EXCUSES!"

That was it, Motoko was through with talking, and charged at me full tilt. I guess it's lucky for me that she tends to let her temper override her judgement in a fight. At least, early on in her character development. While she was perfectly capable of turning me into fettuccine even in this state, she still made mistakes she wouldn't make against real fighters when calm.

Like running straight at me with a battle cry and a high overhead strike telegraphed so obviously it was visible from space.

The basic counter in bayonet to an overhead is to step in with your left foot, brace with your right, and place your weapon between the attack, and your head. Upon connecting with the blow, shove back against it in the direction of your planted foot by pushing off of your forward foot.

I did exactly this as Motoko recklessly tried to beat on me like Keitaro.

It's just; I'm not Keitaro. And while I sucked at fighting, I knew how to fight. I didn't really think much about the dynamics of the blow, but my sore parts protested as I shoved her strike aside and stepped into it, forcing her back. She may be stronger, but I'm still heavier.

"STOP!" I shouted as she jumped back and set up for another attack.

She was absolutely determined to prove herself the better, both in combat prowess by beating the guy who bested her, and in morals by beating the same guy, who was somehow the essence of pure evil at the moment. Of course she wasn't going to stop. She was on a mission.

The next attack came from the right. Her right, my left... Unfortunately, that was my off side. My entire stance was focused on my right side power, which left me having to twist my body quickly to align for the blow, leaving me no time to push back when I deflected it.

If Motoko actually gathered her wits and decided to treat me as a full on fighter, she'd smear me. Now, for the record, I'm using a bokken, and Motoko has an actual SWORD. Not exactly fair, but then again, who am I to complain about a fair fight? On the plus side, her sword was a replica, not the razor sharp Cursed Blade of Hina. It might bruise a bit if she got me but…

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

"STOP!" I repeated, barely stopping a third blow and falling back. There had to be some way to stop her before this turned into a fight I'd rather not repeat. Motoko just wanted to win. I just didn't want to lose in a horrible, painful manner. If I could let her win without getting hurt…

Let her win?

THAT'S IT!

It was a good thing I came to that conclusion when I did. Motoko wound back fiercely, the words 'Zan Ma Ken…' leaving her lips as I threw my weapon down. The act made her pause before she could put me in the hospital for a month.

"Forfeit I!" I snapped. "No fight!"

"Decline challenge you cannot!" Motoko snapped back, lowering her replica blade to point at the weapon I threw down. "Pick up weapon! Fight me!"

"Decline I do not!" I responded. "Forfeit I! Win you!"

For just a moment, Motoko looked totally shocked that anyone would ever willingly lose a fight. For someone with a strong honour-based cultural background, it was probably as alien as I was. This was, however, immediately replaced by her anger returning in double the force.

She screamed at me to pick up my weapon, to fight her. She reinforced this by brandishing her own to threaten me. I backed up, but shook my head.

Motoko snarled, and her sword whipped around. She repeated her command and added insult to threat, trying to be intimidating as possible. Again, I told her I wouldn't fight.

By the third time, it hit me. Motoko started this, and she wanted her opponent to fight. She wanted to cream me something fierce, but on 'honourable' terms. As long as I didn't pick my weapon up, she WOULDN'T hit me. It was meaningless. And this whole display was nothing more than a huge temper tantrum.

That boosted my confidence somewhat. Not enough to make me relax, but enough for me to cross my arms and stare down her blade, putting a game face on. Gamble and win! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes (Literally!).

Motoko noted my change in attitude, and held her weapon towards me again.

"Are you going to hit me," I began in English. "Or are you going to act like a four-year-old who doesn't get what she wants?"

I just couldn't make the snark in Japanese; its meaning was still too complicated to pull off. Still, spouting it off in English threw her off her game.

"Nani?"

"Hit me," I stated in Japanese. It threw her off again.

"Nani?"

"Hit me!" I repeated. "Wide open! Hit me!"

I emphasised 'wide open' by spreading my arms out. I was unarmed. I'm right here. You want this? Do it. Do it now.

Motoko backed up a step, looking shocked again. I watched a war of emotions play across her face. She WANTED to hit me so badly. She wanted to destroy the perverted scoundrel I was supposed to be. To smash me like an insect and vindicate herself. But it was in conflict with her honourable intent. She didn't want to hit someone who wouldn't fight. To strike someone down in cold blood was dishonourable. I was denying her the very thing she wanted simply by not fighting her. I wish pacifist attacks worked on everyone. If it were anyone else, I'd be dead right now.

Now though, it was time to push the gamble to the max. Motoko was completely off balance mentally. Inhaling, I tapped into that tone I'd picked up from the drills. That deep, thundering baritone that makes even a small guy sound like a living tank.

"COME ON!" I shouted in English loudly, and suddenly, projecting from the diaphragm. Motoko flinched, her weapon lowering.

"HIT ME! DO IT! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW!"

It was clear what I meant, even to Motoko across a language gap.

"IF YOU WANT TO HIT ME SO FUCKING BAD THEN DO IT!" I began to walk forward. "HIT ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! GET IT THE FUCK OVER WITH!"

Motoko back-pedalled visibly as I increased my gate to continue closing with her. I had her completely shocked. From experience, one who is unprepared for this pretty much has no idea what to think or do for several seconds. I was banking on this as I shoved myself right up into Motoko's face. Dammit, why is everyone taller than I am?

"EITHER FUCKING HIT ME WITH THE FUCKING SWORD, OR FUCKING PUT THE FUCKING SWORD THE FUCK AWAY! BECAUSE IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING HIT THE FUCK OUT OF ME! YOU'RE FUCKING WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME!"

Yeah, 'fuck' comes up a lot in this speech pattern. 'Fuck' is a unique word in Drilleese. It is used, often several times in a sentence, as a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, and possibly even as a conjunction. All at the same time…

"SO FUCKOFF!"

Now, of course, while Motoko was getting the general idea. I doubt she had a clue in her head just how many bars of soap I went through before I stopped to simply glare, so close I could feel her breath on my face. I however, kept my arms out to the side the whole time, keeping the 'wide-open' look going as much as possible.

And for once, I could see right through someone, instead of the other way around. Motoko's emotions played out like a movie in her eyes, and I could see her free hand clench and unclench out of the corner of mine.

"WELL?" I asked, good and loud, causing her to flinch again. Then, she stepped back, a flush coming to her cheeks as she resolved her emotions on 'glare angrily'. I could see her shaking, and finally, with a huff, she spun around and walked away.

"Stink you do!" she snapped. "Later fight."

I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Once she was out of sight, the shaking began. The problem with fighting for me, was always the near-fights. My life was full of them. And the adrenaline, left with nowhere to go, left me a jittery mess. I'm pretty certain that it was not the odor that drove Motoko away, and that I had just successfully bluffed my way out of a massive ass kicking. Talk about borderline. Phew… Disaster averted. For now...

After my yelling though, I was expecting to find someone responding to it. In this case, I noticed Mitsune Konoe, or 'Kitsune' peeking from around a corner as Motoko vanished off somewhere to try and blow off some steam.

What did I know about Kitsune? Well, one word sums her up. 'Avoid.'

Kitsune was the house freeloader… I knew someone like this back home, and for the most part, it meant trouble. Kitsune lived up to her nickname. She was sly like a fox. And she seemed to live by the motto: 'There's a sucker born every minute' if it would help pad her pockets or stock her alcohol stores.

Kitsune was not without redeeming qualities, and was generally kind where it counted. Just… Her nature brought headaches to go with her kindness. And believe you me, I was a prime target for her conniving schemes just by being in the same time zone without 'Best Friends Forevah!' perks.

Joke's on her though. I have no money on me to con me out of.

"Wow," she began; looking surprised as she broke her cover. "You dead thought I."

Well, for the moment, she wasn't trying to con. That was a plus.

"Thought so too," I smiled lightly, easily disguising my wariness with the shakes I had. "Lucky I was."

I changed the topic immediately to head off any other discussion. I didn't need to give her any ideas.

"Where manager?"

"Keitaro?" she asked. "Cleaning."

"Where?"

Kitsune took way too long to answer it, which was suspicious. There must be a horse race or something she wanted to bet on. The nice thing about knowing these characters so well was knowing in advance what to look out for. I'm not exactly certain how she managed to do it most of the time. But her eyelids were either droopy, or she was squinting. A lot… And the only time they ever opened wide was when she was excited, like when she was plotting something.

When I had asked where Keitaro was, aside from the pause, those eyes opened up as she glanced to the side. I think I got away lucky though, as they returned to a squint almost immediately. She must have dismissed her scheme.

Or rather, it was because she was distracted. By me...

No sooner did I finish my thoughts than her face crinkled up and she took a step back.

"Stinky!" she blanched. "In back Keitaro is. Clean you, tell him."

Thank you sea breeze. Saved from a Kitsune plot by standing upwind.

I left Kitsune to gag at the smell as quick as I could. Serves her right I think, but whatever. Keitaro was in the back, cleaning the onsen with a deck brush. I had half-expected Motoko to run into him first and put him into class C airspace on principle. But for once, the routine had favored him.

I explained the situation as best as my broken speech could, but I think once he caught a whiff of the stench of blood and sweat I radiated, it was pretty much a done deal. Keitaro, for all his drawbacks, was the hapless nice guy. Not to mention social outcast, pathetic doormat, buffoon, and a number of other terms that weren't so flattering… But he was tenacious. The tenacity and the selflessness made up for the other issues.

Not that his actions didn't make me want to slap him silly half the time. But I won't go there.

The bath had been a simple, quick affair. Keitaro pointed me to his little tub the girls made him use, and I had taken it from there. I made it a point to get washed and cleaned as fast as possible, even though the hot water felt good on all the sore bruises I had, lest I invite some kind of perverted event to strike me down as was prone to happen around here. Last thing I needed was to receive an iron punch. My 'conduct' would also be under a microscope. And as Haruka had already warned me, I was on my own.

I found myself half an hour later, doing my best to make a pair of pants a few sizes too small fit as best as I could. The shirt wasn't so bad. Keitaro had a few oversized shirts around to wear on rainy days and such. There were plenty of them with various logos on them such as 'No Fear' and 'Tough Guy'. Then I found a nice black one with an ork skull wearing pointy sunglasses, red and green stripes and the words 'Mo Dakka Fo Life' printed in bright yellow on it. As soon as I saw it, it was mine. Heh-heh-heh….

Where'd he get that anyway?

After squeezing into the 'high waters', all that was left were some shoes. Pants were hard enough, but I wasn't the K-man's foot size. So I was stuck barefoot until he'd managed to find a set of the generic slippers from when this place had been used as an inn. One size fits all.

It beats blisters.

So now I was fed, feeling better, cleaned, and had clothes that fit. Well, kind of. Damn tight pants... But I guess beggars can't be choosers.

So the morning wore on, and just like the Masaki home, it was quiet.

But not as…

Keitaro managed to do something stupid, and him coming through one of the walls to tumble into the kitchen nearly scared the sense out of me. Naru was hot on his heels five seconds later, shouting at him for his lack of sense.

Shinobu was in the kitchen, having more or less tried to avoid me because I was scary. It was an issue I didn't want to press. But with Keitaro on a roll, I predicted the result before I heard Shinobu's shocked 'meep' followed by Naru shouting something about junior high and Keitaro trying with a series of false starts to avoid the inevitable.

You'd figure that since he had to do all the repairs around here he would learn not to get himself smashed through these paper-thin walls, right?

As the chain reaction he caused seemed to pick up pace, I decided it would probably be best to stay put, keep my head down, and not attract any undue attention.

Su was the next to get in on the act. I hadn't seen the girl all morning, and now I knew why. The latest version of her Mecha-Tamago… Keitaro was about to be used as a test bed for its weaponry. Wait, was that a plasma pistol from Halo? How the HELL? Never mind. I'm better off not asking.

I kept my head down as the machine chased the poor sod circles around the main area before he fled up the stairs. It was craning my neck to watch that alerted me to Kitsune likewise keeping her head down, watching with a grin the size of Alaska on her face.

"Your handiwork?" I asked. At least my speaking was improving.

Kitsune flashed me a false hurt look. Who, little old innocent Kitsune? Cause mischief? Never!

Sarcasm, full driving.

Before she could answer though, there was a crash and an enraged scream from upstairs. Keitaro's terrified sputtering and yelping followed this reminded me of a lone Grunt caught by Master Chief.

"This gonna be good," Kitsune muttered at me.

Now with Motoko's angry shouts, and a distinct concussive thump from her signature move, the noise redoubled and Keitaro came tumbling down the stairs, trailing a lamp and an extension cord that was wrapped around his torso.

Despite the handicap, he managed to get his feet under him and bolt for the exit. Motoko was hot on his tail, flushed crimson and weapon drawn. Kitsune disguised her amusement as the K-man shot past us. A moment later, Motoko wound back and unloaded the Zan-Ma-Ken attack. The concussion it generated made my ears pop again as it picked Keitaro up and threw him through the front door.

"Jesus Christ it's like a fucking hand grenade," I muttered, trying to get the ringing to clear.

"Han-do Guri-nad-e?" Kitsune asked. Her head was cocked to the side trying to figure it out.

"Hand Grenade," I stated, making the motion of pulling a pin, and throwing. Then paused before saying: "BOOM!"

"Oh!" Kitsune nodded, slapping her fist into her palm. Then looked up, and pointed.

"Hand-u Grena-de…"

Dammit, I hate that sinking feeling, but I already knew it was Motoko before I turned around. She was flustered, red, and glaring at me.

"I challenge you!"

You really want that rematch, don't you Motoko? Did I really hurt her pride that much in one stranglehold? In response to her challenge, I simply shook my head.

"Fight me!" she snapped again. I could see Kitsune trying to put a little clearance between us, ever so slowly.

"I no fight," I looked past her, deliberately dismissing. "You want hit, hit. I no stop you."

My mind was starting to descramble phrases, which made things a little simpler to convey.

Motoko continued to glare for a few more seconds before she huffed once more and turned away.

Okay, I had a working anti-Motoko plan. I figured at this point, so long as I didn't do anything or give her reasons to attack me unarmed, she would continue to try and challenge me but never attack. But if she had any excuse to punish me, she'd take it. So I had to tread carefully.

Morning blended into lunch, and I wasn't invited to eat. Shinobu had noticed I wasn't much of a threat, but was still too timid to approach me, let alone converse with me. Not that Naru would let me anywhere near her. As the morning had moved on, she'd been slowly getting more confident towards me without that 'dangerous' impression I'd given early on. And by confident, I mean classically Narusegawa aggressive. Running me out of rooms, aiming death glares at me every time she saw me. Even yelling at me if she found an excuse for it. I heard her put Keitaro through several walls some time just after lunch after she'd asked him why I was allowed to be around here after what happened.

I would have probably gone hungry if it weren't for Su. After getting bored with blowing Keitaro up for the umpteenth time, and the irrecoverable damage of Mecha-Tamago that had resulted, she opted to conscript me as her new playmate of the day.

I don't think I had the energy to keep up, but having a niece and a nephew, I had ways of dealing with playful kids. I let Su lead the way, and just made my way along at more or less a relaxed pace while she bounced off every wall from here to the destination. I think I was beginning to wear down.

Nice thing about Su was that while she did seem a bit psychotic, she seemed to be into military and military 'toys'. So I found myself playing the Su equivalent of 'Attack of Pervezilla, code name K.'

Keitaro didn't exactly agree to this particular arrangement, but I had remote control tanks to play with. So I was quite persuasive. Especially with the kind of shells Su managed to fit into those tanks. Heh-heh…

My reward as temporary 'second in command' of the 'Hinata Self Defense Force Armored Cavalry Division' was something I should have expected from Su. Bananas… So while I didn't exactly get lunch, I at least got something to eat.

Could have gone for whatever it was Shinobu cooked. That smelled divine.

Motoko did of course challenge me a few more times during all this. Each time I enacted my pacifist response to her challenge, and invited her to attack me without provocation. And each time, she left even pissier than when she started out. Unfortunately, each time this happened, Keitaro was inadvertently given takeoff clearance just a few minutes later. I kind of felt sorry for him ending up in the line of fire, but at least he had some kind of indestructible thing going on. My bruises reminded me that I did not.

It all came to a head in the early afternoon however. Just when I was able to get away from Su and her freakish, never ending bouncy energy. I was really starting to wear down. I'm not sure exactly how much sleep I had from that nap before I had been rudely awakened, but if I were to say it was next to none, then technically, it should be something like one AM for my body.

I managed to get away from the little terror to find a place to zonk out for a while. Maybe one of the trees around the building or some other place reasonably out of the way.

Life's not fair like that, especially around here. Just when I wanted a nap, it wouldn't let me have it. Like some kind of demented clockwork, Motoko came out of the woodwork, looking more determined than ever to get that rematch.

Once she spotted me, she quickly stalked her way over, glaring at me. God, not again. How many times would it take to get it through that thick skull of hers that I wasn't going to fight?

I was getting irritated just thinking about it. I'm like that when I'm tired. The Irish side of me starts to come out.

"I challe-" Motoko began, but I cut in quite sharply.

"You challenge me," I stated. "AGAIN."

"You fight then?" she asked, smirking a bit with barely contained confidence.

Oh I give up. I'm too tired to deal with this immaturity anymore. It's like dealing with some of the people at work. NAG-NAG-NAG! I'll just let her fight me. She'll cream me in two seconds and leave me alone, and I'll just have to down four quarts of water again and find some place cool to relax.

"Fine," I answered. "I accept your challenge."

The younger Aoyama's face lit up like a candle as she set a determined grin on it. It was like watching a predator who saw their prey slowing.

Motoko tossed me the spare bokken she'd given me earlier. I fumbled the catch, and had to bend down to pick it up. The one nice thing about that is now I only felt mildly sore like I'd been exercising and forgot to stretch. Man those nanites worked wonders.

When I stood up, I noticed Motoko had drawn her replica. She was so concerned about a fair fight, and she's making me use a glorified stick while she had a (dull) blade?

Nonetheless, we faced off. I took the weapon in hand like a bayonet equipped rifle and waited.

Part of my mind chose to wander. I was taking part in the classic pre-duel pause. Instead of thinking about my attack, I pondered on the pause. What did it include? Let's see, absurd quiet… A… brief gust of wind, and some random object somewhere signalling to begin.

I must have missed the random signal, because while I was thinking Motoko raised her blade up high and shouted a war cry, charging in as reckless as this morning.

And like this morning, I responded in the same defensive fashion. I blocked. One blow, two blow, three blow. And she had out-paced me. I already saw her manage to get around my defense and come back for another overhead while I was still drawn out from the third block. I'd never get up to block that from here.

Ah fuck it. At least I'll get some sleep once she knocks me out.

Closing my eyes, I awaited the inevitable.

And I waited…

And waited…

Peaking with one eye, I noticed that I could see myself in the reflection of Motoko's blade, just an inch away from my face. Nice polish. Wish my replicas were that clean.

"Why?" Motoko breathed between clenched teeth.

Why what? Why is the sky blue? I don't know, my mind's funky when I'm tired.

"WHY!?" she snapped, pulling her blade away from me. "WHY WON'T YOU FIGHT BACK!?"

Isn't it obvious Motoko dear? Or did that choke hold kill a few more brain cells than I thought? Oh and, yay for crystal clear understanding... Why couldn't it happen earlier?

"WHY DO YOU MOCK ME!?" she raged, her face flushing over.

My tired, sarcasm riddled mind chose that moment to try and override my ass in a way I really wouldn't have been stupid enough to do when fully awake. I answered the question.

"Because you behave like a child!"

Motoko froze, still as a block of ice; her face screwed up in total shock at my crystal clear response. When I realized what I said, I knew I'd gone and blown it. Motoko's face finally recovered her angered flush as the insult finally registered.

"I AM NOT A CHILD!" she roared, and charged at me. I gulped inwardly as I turned to dodge away from her clumsy swing.

"Then why do you keep trying to start this stupid fight?!" I asked, desperate to talk her through some logic.

"SO I CAN BEAT YOU FAIRLY!" she snarled, slashing at the spot I had been standing in.

"THEN WHY WOULDN'T YOU HIT ME WHEN I GAVE YOU THE CHANCE!?" I desperately ducked behind a nearby tree for cover.

"IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE!" Motoko tried to round the tree on me, but I kept it between the two of us.

"IF ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS PUT A WEAPON IN MY HAND AS AN EXCUSE TO BEAT ME UP," I began. "THEN YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BULLY!"

I crossed the line. I knew it the moment I finished. Motoko stopped trying to chase me around the tree, and she stood there shaking, rage and other emotions mixed and warred with each other on her face as I peeked around. And then she raised that replica katana in the air. Immediately every muscle in my body coiled up.

"ZAN-MA-KEN…!"

Shit, SHIT!

"Why's she so damn temperamental!?" I snarled that in English as I tried my best to dive clear of the attack. The concussion blast turned what was probably some kind of pine into a hail of wood chips and shrapnel, which I managed to avoid getting pelted with only because the force of her attack drove it in a narrow cone.

I hit the ground and rolled, trying to recover my feet, and expecting Motoko to go completely postal on me. I just insulted her very honour and what little self-esteem she had. She wouldn't be satisfied until I was in traction.

But the combo flurries never arrived, and I prepared to run for my life for no reason. The younger Aoyama was still looking at the former pine she'd obliterated, and was drawing in sharp, ragged breaths, tears streaming from her eyes.

Wait, she was CRYING?

I didn't push all her buttons THAT well… Er… Did I?

Oh, I like to piss people off from time to time. Who doesn't like to pick on others every once in a while? Though I would put risking my life as rather stupid, and not something I would do willingly. But to make someone cry... I'm not a Sadist. I don't enjoy a person, especially a girl, crying, with genuine emotional meltdown. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Motoko dropped to her knees, her replica left embedded in the ground point-first.

"Why…" she sobbed. "Why?"

Something clicked in my head. Even as worn out as I was, the thing about Motoko is that an exaggerated component of her character was that, whenever she was feeling depressed, she'd try to commit Seppuku on the spot. I really couldn't think of anyone who would be that Emo in real life, but as I got to my feet, I could see the flash of silver as she pulled the ritual knife out of some pocket and unsheathed it.

"I'm no good!" she whined suddenly, preparing to spill her own intestines. I cleared the distance in no time flat and grabbed that blasted knife hand as hard as I could. Unlike her replica sword, I could easily tell the little bamboo-handled knife was razor sharp.

Prying it from Motoko was easier than expected. Her will for the time being was broken, so she had no heart in holding onto it. I resheathed it and pocketed the small ritual weapon and was faced with the issue of what to do with 'Emo-toko.' I couldn't just leave her in this sorry state. But I couldn't just kiss the owie and make it all better. Besides, if I tried anything involving kissing my life span would be cut violently short. There was a word for this mess, and I believe that word was 'Moe'.

So for a lack of anything better to do, I just flopped backward onto my back, and stared at the sky. Motoko continued to sob for several minutes before it quieted down.

"Why?" she choked at length. "Why won't you let me prove myself?"

I turned my head; I had almost fallen asleep dammit.

"You don't need to," I pointed out. "You would have killed me. I'm terrible at fighting."

Motoko sniffed, but looked confused.

"But, you beat me," she continued at length. Well, it had to be that. Of course it was. It was the whole reason behind this fiasco.

"I got my ass kicked for one simple choke hold," I commented dryly. "I figure I got off lucky just by being alive. Zan-ma-ken would have killed me."

It was quiet for a while longer, and I was just about asleep when she interrupted again.

"Why were you in my room anyway? Why were you in my BED?"

That was definitely a good question, and I could hear some confidence returning in her tone. But I was tired, and tired of talking.

"I don't know," I responded. "I just want to get some sleep. And hopefully I won't have it interrupted by any more kicks to my chest."

Finally, Kendo-Girl shut up, and I drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still reading this after getting this far, or just a fan going back through?  
> Consider supporting me on my Patreon page. It helps me stay solvent and allows me to dedicate more time to this work:  
> https://www.patreon.com/user?u=2971301


	7. Those Who Bridge Worlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What kind of toll does a situation take on you? In terms of physical AND mental drain... A human being does not perform at One Hundred Percent capacity One Hundred Percent of the time. As the day wears on, your feet become sore from standing, your body becomes fatigued. Your brain loses some of its edge, impairing your judgement. Your temperament becomes more and more hostile.
> 
> It may seem obvious, but thinking about the toll of a trial on the body is not as clearly explored as you'd think. Most people just talk about being tired and yawning. But what goes on, UNDER the hood of the human with the drooping eyelids? How crappy is the situation to a person trying to keep up with the Epic as their body literally starts to fail around them?
> 
> From here, we continue.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Those Who Bridge Worlds**

_"My sympathies to those with similar plights."_

* * *

 

Why am I not surprised?

That's the question that I was asking myself as I stared groggily back at the angry face of six-time martial arts champion Junpei Ryuzouji.

It goes something like this:

I was finally getting a nap after managing to somehow prevent Motoko from killing me… Not to mention herself... And just when it seemed I was able to drop off in the grass, the incessant beeping of Washu's 'crab-tooth' woke me up. I know Washu would be prone to checking up on me, but she had the worst timing EVER.

I thought I'd simply slept on the grass until past nightfall, but was obviously not the case when I didn't have the panoramic view of Kanagawa in front of me. Once I realized that, it only took a moment to figure out what happened.

God not again.

Invariably, I would have come to the conclusion that I was probably lying in the bed of some female, again. And that my life was about to get complicated, AGAIN.

To my credit, I would have been right if I had enough time to think that much. But the beeping of the 'crab-tooth' was loud enough to wake me, tired as I was.

That means it was loud enough to wake everyone else.

To her Credit, Airi Komayama made absolutely no show of emotion as I not so silently cursed my latest plight. Acting skills indeed…

About four seconds later, there was a USP-40 pointing at my head, from my opposite side as Ritsuko Inou realized I wasn't supposed to be there.

And then came Junpei. Six feet tall, and all the physique of the martial artist he was. The guy was built like a tank. Which was easy to compare because Mike' the T-74 was a dozen feet away.

Acting as a self proclaimed bodyguard for Airi, he pretty much just loomed over me, looking quite displeased, before plucking me up off the ground by my shirt.

Yeah, I once again stood about a snowflake's chance in hell. That body enhancement Washu offered was beginning to look REALLY good now. If only to make me impervious to Karate chops and heal drops.

Junpei growled as he studied my features. Tired as I was, I still realized quite clearly what he was probably about to ask me.

"Who the hell do you think you are to be anywhere NEAR Airi like that?"

More or less…

"Especially when I haven't even gotten to sleep that close to her yet…"

That too…

Some synapse somewhere decided to take advantage of my fatigue and misfired. When you're being held up by a guy almost a foot taller than you, who's built like a killing machine, you don't say stupid things if you can help it.

"And you probably never will…"

Yeah, that definitely wasn't the most intelligent thing to say to a guy who could wring me out like a dirty rag. But it was the first thing that popped into my head.

Junpei simply growled louder. Believe it or not, despite his predisposition towards getting into fights, he had a lot of restraint. The fact that he didn't drop kick me right there when he flattened tougher guys for less was my basis for that line of thinking.

Still, after getting my free snark, I guess it was time to let my mind spool up enough to keep my mouth from overriding my ass.

The entire time, the 'crab-tooth' continued to go off. Beeping over and over again as Washu was, no doubt, waiting patiently for me to get around to answering.

It wasn't long before I was patted down, frisked like some kind of felon for any weapons I had. In short order, Ritsuko relieved me of the ceremonial knife I had confiscated from Motoko, and the 'crab-tooth'.

All in all, it was just a matter of seconds before I was efficiently rendered a non-threat. At least in their eyes.

Why am I not surprised?

Celcia, who I noted was stuck looking like a Panda, was the first one to notice the obvious.

"Something doesn't feel right about him," she began. "His aura is different."

Woo! Sorceress is on the ball! Give the transformed elf a cookie.

"Maybe he's a DEMON," Junpei seemed to grin. "I could exorcise him if you want."

NO! Bad Junpei! No biscuit!

"Junpei," Airi began. "Put him down."

"You sure that's a good idea?" the fighter asked.

"I don't think he is, or ever was a threat," Airi continued. I suspect that she'd evaluated me the moment she saw the look on my face.

"Oh… Okay," Junpei responded. "If you say so…" Then he dropped me. Flat out dropped me… If I hadn't been paying attention, I would have landed on my ass. I guess I could have come out worse. But now I was faced with having to turn yet another situation around. But first, I really needed to answer that call. Washu might be about to have kittens on the other end.

"Ritsuko," I addressed the redhead, pointing at the crab-tooth as she examined it. "I need that."

The high-school girl looked totally shocked when I addressed her by name.

"How do you-" she began.

"Later," I interrupted. Airi was studying me closely now. "I need to take that call."

The girl seemed to be at a loss, and just looked at Airi for guidance. Airi nodded, betraying no emotion.

"Beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep!"

"Click-FZZZT!"

"I'm alive."

"What took you so long to answer?" Washu asked.

"Complications," I muttered. "I think from now on, if I jump, I should call you, instead of the other way around."

"Oh dear," Washu paused. "I guess I see how that could be a problem."

"Yeah," I yawned, then shook it off. "Last thing I need is the multi-dimensional equivalent to a cell phone going off should I wake up some place like Black Lagoon."

"Never heard of it," Washu commented. "So what's your status?"

"Those Who Hunt Elves," I commented directly, earning an eyebrow from Airi and Ritsuko. "It's a character driven comedy adventure."

* * *

**World 3: Those Who Hunt Elves**

Character driven comed- REALLY?

_"Elf stripping for fun and profit (It's on the box)."_

* * *

"Comedy?" Washu asked. "There might be a pattern, but I'd need more data to confirm. But you're certain it's comedy…"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "Lots of slapstick humor, which makes me nervous."

"Why so?" the scientist replied.

"The slapstick is physical violence," I continued. "Based on what I experienced in the last world, the physical violence is quite real. The problem is, everyone that belongs is immune to it… But I don't think I am."

There was a pause on the line, during which I took a glance at Airi, who was humoring me with a smile and a light nod. Junpei just looked confused. But what do you expect from a guy with an IQ of eighty-six?

"Eat when you can then," the scientist said at length. "The nanomachines won't be purged from your system for a few weeks, but you'll need to be prepared in case you take injury. And keep your head down. A wash tub out of nowhere landing on your head might not be good for you."

"I already had the whole 'keep your head down' thing in mind Washu," I responded. "I watched a massive chain reaction unfold in front of me. Which reminds me…"

"Yes?" Washu asked.

"I told you so."

"What?" I could almost see the scientist blink.

"Haruka spoke English," I elaborated. "Think about it."

"…"

"Oh," she answered at length. "I guess that didn't look so good."

"Well, I got lucky," I commented idly. "She decided to play along."

"Oh good!" Washu almost cackled. "I guess that takes care of that… How about your current situation? Do you need me to talk to anyone?"

"No," I glanced at the group now giving me their full attention. "I think I can handle this situation for once. Those Who Hunt Elves are pretty familiar with the whole 'people from another world' mechanism."

"Then I guess I'll get back to tracing," Washu commented solemnly. "I almost had you pinned down when you jumped. Nice version of Earth in Love Hina too."

"Have fun with that," I shook my head. Scientists... do they ever so enjoy doing science things.

"We sure do," Washu cackled.

Get out of my head!

"I'm out," she finished. And the line clicked off.

Replacing the 'crab-tooth' where it belonged, I turned to Airi, the defacto leader of Those Who Hunt Elves.

"I'm sure you get the idea," I commented.

"So you're trapped in another world too," the actress asked.

"Not so much as trapped as bouncing around at random," I corrected. "And it's only been for the past few days or so. I think you've been stuck here longer, right?"

Airi nodded. It was Panda-Celcia who spoke up next. Dammit, talking animals, try to keep a straight face. She's technically an Elf with a transformation pinned in place, but still…

"What I would like to know, is how you know so much about us…" she stated.

Wouldn't that be the question of the day? Well, weird story that…

"It's a bit of a story," I commented, trying to look at Celcia without actually looking. If I started staring now, I'd probably annoy her.

"We have plenty of time," Airi probably saw it and redirected my attention.

So an hour later, in the pre-dawn light, I found myself sitting in front of a merry little campfire, giving Those Who Hunt Elves the full story of my situation. And much as I wanted to keep my cards to my chest, with regards to their situation and how I knew it, I seemed to be doing a lot of explaining myself lately. But then, it was like getting reset just when things were starting to swing my way. Like some cosmic joke that was determined to see how many different ways I could weasel my way out of a bind.

Airi seemed to take the revelation okay. If you call asking me where her royalties in all this were as taking it okay. I could only shrug before I realized that the actress had actually cracked a joke, and the straight face had been the act.

Ritsuko seemed to be totally aghast, and had gotten slightly paranoid that we were being watched, pulling out night-vision goggles to check around us.

Junpei seemed to enjoy the concept.

"Well, it looks like you're one of us now!" he smiled, slapping me on the back. "Maybe I misjudged you a little. Hang with us, and we'll all get home to Japan!"

Er, I think he missed a few important points. Namely, most of them... I saw Celcia roll her eyes in the corner of my vision.

"Besides," he continued under his breath to me as he returned Motoko's knife to my possession. "I've been hanging around these ladies for months. It's nice to have another guy to talk to after all this time. They just don't understand me sometimes."

Technically, I think it's the other way around…

We were interrupted by the sound of my stomach growling. I don't think I could keep track of time correctly, but the only thing I'd eaten in what I think was the last eight (?) hours were bananas.

I don't think I could turn down a meal out of politeness at this point. Plus Washu had warned me to eat when I could. If they offered, I was taking it.

"I guess it is time for breakfast," Airi commented. "We've got a long day ahead of us."

"Yeah," Junpei seemed to almost bounce with enthusiasm at the idea of food. Much as I thought it was odd to describe a six-foot tall fighter as 'bouncing'. "I'll need to be fueled up and ready to move if we're going to strip that elf today."

The Team, as I guess you could call them, broke out the campfire cooking gear and quickly began a strategy session as they prepared this world's bizarre twist of canned beans and hotdogs. As I recall, the world they were in was a twisted cross between a Fantasy Adventure, and their home. So weird hybrids were everywhere. One example was the Gasoline Fruit they were using to run the T-74 until the cat spirit Mike' infested it.

From what I gathered of the session… There was a rich elf in a town about six miles from here. Here being somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The problem was that with the rumors of the Elf Hunters in the area, she'd become paranoid and surrounded herself with a small legion of bodyguards and armed mercenaries.

A direct approach would be met with far too much resistance and she'd probably get away before the team could catch up. However, an Airi style sneaky approach would leave them high and dry once they'd achieved the objective.

So the planning went something like this.

Junpei and Airi would pay a visit to the paranoid elf lady as an esteemed entrepreneur and her menacing bodyguard. Airi would get them invited in for tea or some other trivial matter. Celcia would then use her magic to start a diversionary commotion and draw the guards off. The elf would get stripped, and then Junpei would smash his way through a pre-determined escape route with Airi in tow. Ritsuko would remain up on a nearby hill as overwatch, and occupy any reinforcements to prevent Junpei from getting overwhelmed during the escape.

Junpei seemed a little determined to give me something to do, and wanted to include me in the planning session. Yeah, sometimes he'd get like that. Once he got an idea, it stuck. I guess he really was enjoying the chance to have another guy in on the team for all the macho buddy kind of stuff he'd probably missed out on for so long.

But very soon I proved to be a disappointment. I wasn't a fighter; I was nowhere near that kind of build. I wasn't particularly strong, or fast, or magical. In fact, down there I was more likely to be a liability. I had no special talent that could benefit the team. They pretty much had all their bases covered.

For lack of any better options, I simply volunteered to help Ritsuko with overwatch. An extra pair of eyes couldn't hurt.

Once the plan was decided, Junpei stood up, looking absolutely pumped. He was ready to find another spell fragment. Still, something was nagging me about this plan. It seemed perfect for them, but I have an uncanny eye for odd, out of place details.

If only I could put my finger on it. Something that bugged me as I voiced my opinion around another yawn. If only I was a little less tired, I'd figure it out. Junpei simply shrugged it off, commenting that I was worrying too much.

"What could possibly go wrong?" he had asked.

I snapped a cold look at him so fast, even he froze as he caught on.

He had to ask THAT question. Every time a person asked that, in every form of fiction, something went wrong. To his question I simply gave him a very flat, deadpan response.

"No plan survives contact with the enemy."

"We'll be careful then," Airi interrupted before the oversized oaf could respond. She obviously saw the seriousness in my tone. "A little caution won't hurt."

With that matter settled, they quickly doused the campfire. Five minutes later, I was riding on a cat-spirit infested main battle tank. How cool was that?


	8. Field Stripping Exercises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At some point in the story, it's going to become prudent to get upgraded to fit in with what's going on. But how do you upgrade the character believably, without giving them the unfair advantage they want?
> 
> As it would stand, a bog-standard human is pretty helpless in a story where the supernatural and super-science fly around willy-nilly. In order to be an important component, they may need to become more than baggage.
> 
> How you level up, what you level up with, and how it is executed are all important parts of this process. You can't just raise your sword in the air and shout 'BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!" at the top of your lungs and expect readers to buy those shenanigans. You need to think on your feet, and think of what is likely to be presented to you in a particular situation.
> 
> Another thought to apply as we proceed.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Field Stripping Exercises**

_"Birds of a feather strip elves together."_

* * *

 

Okay, so let me put things into perspective. I think for once, getting off without having to fear for my life was probably pretty lucky. Thanks in part to my honesty, Airi's ability to read people like an open book, and the situation Those Who Hunt Elves were in.

Their predicament? Actually pretty close to mine, though not as… random.

The story goes like this. In an effort to defeat the evil elven sorceress Lufar, the elder elf sorceress, Celcia Marie Claire, used a powerful ancient spell that was entrusted to her as her ultimate trump card. Of course, as is prone to happen with ancient superspells, Celcia actually had no idea what the spell was supposed to do.

Yeah, that was responsible of her. Aren't sorcerers supposed to know what their magic does? It's like giving an infantryman access to a nuclear hand grenade, but not telling them what it actually does apart from saying 'It's powerful'.

So in her effort to defeat Lufar, Celcia fires up this monster spell, and instead of some kind of divine punishment, she summons a small group of seemingly random people from another world. Airi, the award winning actress, Junpei, the martial arts champion, and Ritsuko, the Japanese school girl… the well armed Japanese schoolgirl. I mean seriously. The girl came with a Japanese Type-74 Main Battle Tank and enough small arms to get a fire team ready for battle. How the HELL did she manage to get away with having THAT MUCH firepower in a place like Japan?

For Celcia, though, it was kind of a 'Buy three, get one free' deal. After Lufar got done gloating about it, the three very quickly kicked her ass.

With the big bad defeated before the story even got started, all that was left was for Celcia to send them back. Of course, sending them back had a catch twenty-two. She had to use yet another ancient spell. Of course, this one just happened to be unstable, it just happened to need to be decoded, and it just HAPPENED to require Celcia's complete undivided attention.

Yeah, she blew it. Go figure.

Technically the blame could be placed on Junpei, his less than stellar IQ, and his motor mouth. Despite having been told just seconds before that Celcia needed absolute concentration, he decided to run that mouth of his.

Needless to say, some of the things he had commented about were things Celcia found irritating. Which, of course, distracted her.

Which of COURSE meant that the unstable, finicky, VOLATILE little spell she was working on blew up in her face, launched into the sky, and split up into five pieces.

Yeah, predictable plot contrivance. I know.

As the coup-de-grace on all this, the spell had flown off to imprint itself on the skin of five random female elves who happened to be in some kind of magical sync with Celcia at the time.

In order to recover the spell, the good old elf hunter team came up with the absolutely BRILLIANT plan (I'm being sarcastic, mind you) of travelling across the land while stripping the clothing from any female elf they could find.

I don't have to tell you how much of a bad rap that's earned them.

So anyway, long story short… That's what they've been doing for months and months on end. Trying to track down pieces of this spell, all the while stripping every female elf they came across in order to inspect them.

Now, for the love of me, I couldn't figure out what mental block was in place that kept them from simply explaining the situation and asking the elves in question first. However, I wasn't about to question it. These stories had a method to the madness. One of which was that the Status Quo was KING. If you tried to upset the status quo, it had a nasty habit of making Bad Things™ happen to you. If I tried to upset the very mechanic that made this whole plot run, there was probably a good chance it would backfire in a most entertaining way. I didn't need to have any backfiring going on while I was around.

Where was I? Oh yes, the [current perspective.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ceiKX5orn8)

As it was, Those Who Hunt Elves were pretty open minded about my situation. In fact, it didn't seem to bother anyone in the least past the whole 'waking up in her bed' part. I counted myself lucky as I yawned for the millionth time from a spot a dozen feet from Ritsuko.

"Would you stop that," she grumbled. "You're going to make me tired."

"Sorry," I muttered. "I haven't been sleeping well lately."

As per the plan, we were perched just behind the crest of a hill overlooking a town about half a mile away, maybe less. I'm a bit poor at judging distance. The town itself was a small affair centered on a river, and some fields irrigated by said river. The largest feature was a mansion owned by the target elf, who also owned more than half the property in the area.

Junpei, Airi, and Celcia had already moved out just after sunrise, which left Ritsuko and myself to stare down at the town from a distance, getting a note of the positions of different guards. The place was a fortress. Well, it was a town, but there were so many guards it could have been a fortress. This elf chick must have been loaded with money to have as many hired guards as we saw.

"Crossbows everywhere," I commented, staring down a GLTD Ritsuko had given me for the task. "I count at least twenty from the groups at the two river crossing checkpoints. And there's at least two guys in the mansion guard shacks that have them."

"I've got another fifteen scattered throughout town, and five on the grounds," Ritsuko added in as she observed through a pair of really expensive looking binoculars. I think she had a bit more zoom. The GLTD was for forward observers to laser targets for smart bombs. "That makes forty-two."

"My gut says we've got fifty," I added in, trying to see if I could spot anyone else.

"What makes you say that?" Ritsuko questioned my thinking.

"People like rounded off numbers," I shrugged. "Forty-two just seems odd, and I'm sure there are a few more in the mansion. If this goes south, that's a lot of crossbow bolts Junpei's going to be playing with."

Ritsuko continued to stare down at the town for a few more minutes, kicking the grass as she lay flat on her stomach. It was a bit of a strange sight to tell the truth. She was dressed in the typical style of a schoolgirl, but the holster, headset, and binoculars warped the look. The gun case next to her didn't help the issue any, either. And I about drooled when I saw what was in it.

A PSG-1! That had to be the best sniper rifle in the world short of the fifty-cals. It wasn't military spec, but it had under one MOA and could put a shot group into an area the size of a quarter at a hundred meters. It was also expensive as sin. At least back home, thanks to political stink, import bans, and whatnot, the PSG-1 cost well over thirteen-THOUSAND US Dollars. You could almost buy my car for that much after depreciation.

God, it was a thing of beauty though. I'd probably never get to see one back home. Let alone fire one. And I bet Ritsuko would guard that thing like a hawk.

I realized I'd been staring at the weapon a bit too long when Ritsuko turned, and blushed slightly when she saw me.

"What are you looking at?" she asked.

I guess that it looked like I was staring at her. I do that sometimes. I stare right THROUGH people, and it looks like I'm staring at them. Creeps people out.

"Oh, just the PSG-1," I responded, trying to cover the awkwardness of the exchange. I'm over ten years older than she was. If she thought I was… I'm not even going there.

Ritsuko looked at me again.

"You know what it is?" she asked. I guess she was surprised to find someone who appreciated firearms after the company she kept.

"If I had to pick my sniper rifles," I commented as I returned to the GLTD. "It would be an M-82A1, or a PSG-1, depending on how much power I wanted."

"The Barrett?" she asked. "Ouch…"

"Not like you have room to talk," I replied. "You've got a tank."

"Point," she nodded.

Something that bothered me though… I didn't realize Ritsuko had a PSG-1. I blame that on my lack of a complete Those Who Hunt Elves manga collection. It raised a question to the forefront of my dragging brain. If she had that in her arsenal, what else did she have? I remember seeing an assault rifle of some kind, that pistol… which was a USP-40. Then she had M-67 fragmentation grenades, and claymore mines. And she never seemed to run out of the stuff. Despite spending months in this world, she seemed to have a never-ending supply of ammo for the job.

"Hey, question…" I began.

"What's up?" Ritsuko asked.

"What kind of weapons do you have?" I asked. "I know you've got a ton of gear. But I'm not sure exactly."

"Just a small assortment," she shrugged as she continued to watch the town. "G-36, USP-40, the PSG-1, M-16A1, some anti-personnel mines, grenades-"

"M-16?" I interrupted. "Where?"

Ritsuko paused from her watch and looked at me.

"You know how to correctly handle a gun, right?" she asked. I guess I should have expected it.

"I'm a qualified marksman with the M-16," I responded, pushing myself up on my knees. Man I didn't really want to move anymore. But if I held still too long, I'd pass out. "Mind if I take a look?"

"Knock yourself out," Ritsuko shrugged. "It's in the tank, compartment down on the right. Just be careful, I keep it loaded."

"All guns, are ALWAYS loaded," I quoted the first gun safety rule as I wandered over to Mike'. "Any idiot who says otherwise deserves what he gets."

It took me a minute or so to figure out how to climb up on the T-74. Tanks weren't exactly designed for easy access. You didn't want just any shmuck to climb up on the thing, or the crew would have grenades coming down inside in short order. Finally I decided that it was what appeared to be a pair of handles on the left side, a little forward on main body. I think you had to grab the handles, step on the tread, haul yourself up, and then move your way up the turret by using the chain loop about half way up.

I cursed the Hinata house-slippers silently as I worked to scramble up the side. Earlier Junpei had just stuck me up there with a quick lift, before literally jumping on it. But this time it was all me. And the slippers kept trying to fall off as I did so. Keitaro's undersized pants didn't help either. I was certain after I managed to haul myself up on the tread that I was going to rip the back of them. I even had to recover Motoko's dagger when it almost slipped free of the pocket I had it in.

Finally, after much grunting and struggling with limbs that felt heavier than they should have, I managed to put my childhood days of tree climbing to use, and ascended to the summit of Mt. Mike… Yay.

"Where again?" I asked as I hauled the top hatch open.

"Down on the right," she commented. "Watch out for Pichi. He's taking a nap."

I took note of this as I dropped down into the T-74's turret. It was roomier than I expected for a combat vehicle. But then, I'd never been inside a tank, so what did I know? I saw the white bear taking a snooze on a cushion in the corner of the compartment. He seemed oblivious to my presence.

Then I found the little compartments Ritsuko had mentioned. Popping them open, I found I'd hit the jackpot.

Ammo, guns, grenades. I found the M-16 easy enough, but I was partially amazed at how much ammunition was kept packed away into the tank. The girl had an armory. Where did she get all this in Japan? Was her father a General in the JGSDF or something?

I was about to pick the M-16 up when another weapon caught my eye. It was a shotgun, placed neatly amidst stacks of red and green shotgun shells. It looked a little dusty. Grabbing it up, I popped up out of the turret.

"Hey Ritsuko," I began. "You never said anything about a shotgun."

The girl turned, lowering her binoculars with a puzzled look to see what I was holding. Then a look of recognition crossed her face.

"Oh! I forgot I even had that thing," she commented. "That's a Mossberg 500 Tactical."

"How do you… especially you, forget about a shotgun?" I asked.

"I can't stand the thing," she blanched. "So I never use it."

Ah…

"Too much recoil?" I guessed. After all, for her small frame, a twelve-gauge probably had a brutal kick. My suspicion was confirmed by an embarrassed nod.

"No worries," I shrugged. "You'll find it interesting to note that during my combat training, I was light enough my M-16 was picking me up off the ground with the recoil, so I know how that is."

Ritsuko laughed slightly before looking downrange again.

"You're a goofball…" she shook her head.

Dropping back down, I went to put the shotgun away and grab the M-16. Though, considering what had been happening lately, the firepower of a shotgun would be REALLY nice to have on hand.

Then it hit me.

Quickly reaching in my pocket, I pulled out Washu's beacon and looked at it. Then I pocketed it again and pulled out Motoko's dagger. If those stayed on me when I jumped, then it was entirely possible to…

"Hey Ritsuko!" I popped up on top of the turret again. The girl turned to look at me curiously as I brandished the Mossberg.

"Hey, if you're not going to use this," I began. "Would you mind if I…"

I trailed off to let the question hang. I kind of hate asking for things. Especially expensive things... I would rather pick through trash than take something from someone if I could help it. But if she was never going to use the tactical shotgun, it was as good as trash. Maybe I could put it to good use.

Ritsuko seemed to deliberate on the request for a few seconds before she finally shrugged.

"I don't see why not," she stated. "The only reason I never threw that thing out is because I didn't want some idiot running around this world with it."

"Awesome," I took that as a yes, and ducked back into the turret.

Okay, so the biggest problem for me was going to be keeping it with me. The second biggest problem would be carrying enough ammo to make it last more than one fight.

Rummaging around, I found what I needed. Tactical webbing, and straps. Not to mention a small satchel and a hip-pack in the mess… I set to work quickly, stuffing as many shells as I could manage into the satchel while I threw the webbing over my shoulder. I also grabbed a strap and wrapped it around my hand so I wouldn't lose it. That could go on the shotgun as soon as I figured it out.

Loaded with new firepower, I paused for a second before grabbing two of Ritsuko's M-67 fragmentation grenades, checking to make sure the safety clips and the pull rings for the pin were secure. Then a claymore mine…

I dumped my mess on the ground next to the girl a few minutes later, after scrambling down off the tank haphazardly.

"What the hell?" Ritsuko looked shocked.

"I hope you don't mind," I commented idly as I laid the Mossberg to the side. "I grabbed two grenades and a claymore while I was at it."

"What could you possibly need all that for?" she asked, eyeing the number of shotgun shells that had rolled everywhere.

"I keep popping up in fictional worlds," I explained. "Some of the places I know would probably not be the most pleasant places to wake up in. I might need a little firepower to stay alive."

As I said this, I inspected the Mossberg. I'd never handled a shotgun, so it was a little new to me.

"What's the capacity on this thing?" I asked.

"Five in the tube, one in the chamber," Ritsuko responded. "Load five, pump once, load one more."

"Got it," I responded, turning the weapon over a few times. "Load from the slot in the bottom here?"

"Yeah," Ritsuko looked at it. "I thought you knew your guns?"

"I'm qualified with an M-16," I replied. "Not half the armory of the Japanese Ground Self Defense Force. It takes a few minutes to learn a new weapon. Speaking of minutes… How's our time?"

"Still about fifteen minutes," Ritsuko responded. "Airi and Junpei got into the mansion while you were in the tank."

"Spot Celcia?" I asked.

"Playing panda in the northwest field last I saw," Ritsuko nodded. "Clever move."

Picking up the GLTD, I took a quick glance and spotted the small black and white outline of Celcia, trapped in her Zoanthrope Panda form amidst some of the crops. I hope this town isn't as paranoid about pandas as the one that resulted in that form…

Setting the GLTD down again, I went to work putting my ensemble together. First, I examined one of the rounds. Double-ought Buck… I knew nothing about shotgun rounds. Nothing except birdshot, buckshot, explosive-shot, and rock-salt… It was buckshot, and buckshot tore shit up. Good enough. Since I didn't have any particular special rounds to choose from, I started jamming them into the loading tube of the Mossberg. Five in the tube, pump once, and one more for a total of six…

That bugged me. Six shots were not going to get me very far in a firefight. And I don't think reloading is something I'd like to be caught doing while staring down that Minotaur in BASTARD. But I guess beggars can't be choosers… That seemed to be a reoccurring theme for me lately.

While I busied myself with slipping shells into a little strap of the tactical webbing I'd picked up, Ritsuko got to work with her own preparations. Pulling out the PSG-1, prepping the magazines, and then laying each one off to the side in the sun. I think I'd seen that trick somewhere before…

"What trick is that?" I asked. "Looks familiar."

"I'm putting the rounds in the sun to make the powder hot," Ritsuko commented matter-of-factly. "Hot powder ignites and burns faster, which produces a quicker, stronger push on the round."

"Makes the round faster and more accurate over a greater distance," I nodded. I knew I'd seen that trick somewhere. "Just out of curiosity, what exactly are you aiming for when you go shooting at people around here?"

"Oh, just scare them a bit," Ritsuko kicked the ground behind with her feet. "Shoot the wall near them, or the ground by their feet. Make them dance a little… Scares the pants off most of them. Most of the time they just don't deserve to be hurt, since they're just doing their job."

I'd hate to see what would happen to Ritsuko's personality if she killed someone. Wait! Stop! No! Bad Me, BAD! No morbid thinking! This is Those Who Hunt Elves. Somehow she'd get a headshot and it'd manage to be a FLESH WOUND.

We continued our individual preparations in silence for the next few minutes. I managed to strip the tactical webbing off what I grabbed and turned the mess into a belt coming off the hip-pack, with an over-the-shoulder bandoleer-esque piece with shells running right up it. That held about twenty. So in order to pack more rounds in, I twisted the strap, ran a second through the connector, and doubled it up. With two straps going over my shoulder, twenty shells apiece, I had forty rounds. Then I had five in the tube, one in the chamber, and another five on the stock. That gave me fifty-one rounds. The hip pack held two grenades, and I now had room to stick the claymore in the satchel.

Now, if I managed to run out of ammo with this load, it would mean I had bigger problems, and I was screwed anyway.

Standing up, I tested out how comfortable it would actually be as I slipped the belt on, and the two shell straps over my right shoulder. Ritsuko looked over idly as I did so.

"You're wearing that all wrong," she commented. I shrugged.

"I know." Considering how much I had left over, way wrong. "But it works."

"So I see," she commented dryly. "Do you have enough shells, oh King of Shotguns?"

I laughed. I'd seen a motivational poster like that; I just needed to give the final touch.

"So as I pray," I shut my eyes and spoke in English, then opened them again. "UNLIMITED BUCKSHOT WORKS."

Ritsuko rolled her eyes. I guess messed-up Internet memes from ten years in the future were beyond her.

Grabbing up the GLTD, I left my previous spot and flopped down on the ground next to her, giving another glance at the town.

"Other side," she indicated, pushing the PSG-1 case away a little. "The ejection port's got a little more force. You don't want to be laying there when I fire."

Gah! I should have known… Sighing, I pushed my tired limbs into motion again and corrected my spot.

There was a thump in the distance as I did so. Flopping down in the grass, I pulled the GLTD up to my face just in time to see a cloud of dust forming near the field Celcia had last been in.

"That's the signal," Ritsuko stated. "Time to get to work."

The sound of a bell ringing in the distance, followed by another thump of a distant explosion was next. If everything went according to plan, Junpei and Airi would wait about two minutes to let the guards swarm the blast area, then strip the target while everyone was decoyed. Still, something was nagging at me. This was the kind of scenario that screamed of Murphy's Law.

Two more quick thumps and a growing cloud of dust, and we could see the checkpoint guards abandoning their posts to help. Scanning around, I spotted an issue.

"Guards in the shacks are staying put," I commented, setting the GLTD down to pick up Ritsuko's binos while she went on to adjust windage and elevation on her scope. "You want to neutralize them in advance?"

"Good idea, I can adjust range based off them," she commented.

"I'm bad with distances," I continued. "What's our range?"

"The river's at about six-hundred meters," the girl supplied. "Streets are about four and a half meters wide."

I scanned the shacks compared to the river. They were about two blocks back. Estimating the figure in my head, that was about six hundred and fifty meters. Give or take.

"I think if you can take out their crossbows," I began. "That should make it easy enough for Junpei."

"That's the plan," Ritsuko nodded, sighting up her rifle and grabbing a magazine.

While she worked the loading action, I scanned around the town one more time. The dust obscured the activity around Celcia, but you could tell the guards were freaked out, running this way and that with no cohesion whatsoever. They certainly weren't all one organized unit. A point in the Team's favor I guess.

The guards in the shacks however, were worrying. They were staying put. My gut said that meant they were the high-end of the paid defenders. That really meant we needed to take them out of the equation as fast as possible. Yanking the binos back to them, I examined them more carefully. They were scanning around the area, rather than watching the commotion. One small little detail is that wherever they looked, their crossbows pointed.

"Some of these guys are pros I think," I commented. "You ready?"

'CLICK'

"Pick a target," Ritsuko nodded next to me.

Okay, let's see what she could really do. I quickly decided to work left to right.

"Target, far left, six hundred fifty meters," I began. "Aim for the cross bar on the crossbow so I know what to tell you for corrections." It wasn't the correct terminology for the job. But I wasn't a real spotter for a sniper. So whatever.

Ritsuko reached up one more time to adjust the windage knob. Looking again, I noticed the direction of the dust and smoke blowing along the valley floor. The wind was blowing one way for us, the other down there. Lovely… Cross wind.

"I have the target," she replied after a moment.

Watching through the binos, I kept my eye on the target as I heard Ritsuko exhale gently next to me.

"Fire," I muttered. "Fire, fire, fire, fire…"

'CRACK!'

There was about a second of delay between the sound and the arm of the crossbow suddenly snapping off, causing the guard to jump in surprise.

"Hit." I commented. "Looks a touch high."

"Round flew straighter than I thought," Ritsuko replied.

"Next target," I continued, going on to the next shack. This guard was now looking in our general direction. He probably heard the sound. "Fifty meters right, same range."

"I have the target," Ritsuko responded, already relaxing into an exhale.

"Fire," I began. "Fire fi-"

'CRACK!'

This time, the crossbow exploded in a cloud of splinters as it broke in half.

"Hit," I commented. "Bullseye. Nice shot..."

The guards in the shack were looking out at the hill now. Given how Ritsuko was the only sniper rifle-armed person in a world filled with swords and sorcery, I bet they were shitting themselves.

Suddenly, someone came flying out of a second story window in the mansion. No doubt Junpei's handiwork... [Which meant now we were on the clock.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZcVAijssZg)

"Time to impress me even more," I commented idly as I returned to scanning the third guard shack. "Target, range, about seven hundred meters. Right side guard shack. Same routine… Do you have the target?"

"I have the target," Ritsuko replied at length.

I could get into this. I really could. Ritsuko was already proving to be a better shot than I ever hoped to be. Her third shot blew the handle off the crossbow, causing the guard to stumble backwards and accidentally fall out the window of his shack. He didn't fall very far, the shack not even classifying as a tower. Just a small building on stilts...

"Crosswind," she muttered, adjusting the scope again.

"Step it up," I pressured the girl. "I doubt Junpei would complain, but I'm sure Airi won't like crossbows pointing at her."

A door on the side of the mansion exploded into a cloud of splinters. It was predictable this had to be on the side with the remaining guard. As soon as that occurred, he was quickly tracking the mess as Junpei made a hasty exit.

"Final target," I began. "Take him out, before he takes Junpei out."

'CRACK!'

"Bullseye!" I snapped as the crossbow joined its brothers in oblivion. "That's four for four, nice shooting."

With the four guards taken out of the game, Ritsuko switched to a fresh magazine and went to work target hunting as I scanned for any stragglers. Celcia was doing a good job distracting the group. There were almost no guards along the escape route. If she kept it up a little longer, Junpei wouldn't even have to deal with anyone in his way.

That was about the moment the nagging feeling clicked in my head.

"Hey Ritsuko," I commented idly. "If Celcia's covering for Junpei and Airi… Who's covering for Celcia?"

I think I heard Ritsuko choke for a second. Then she snatched the binoculars out of my hands and started scanning the dust cloud where Celcia had been causing a ruckus.

"I can't see anything," she barked. "If they catch her…"

"Junpei will complain about going on a mission to rescue a panda," I provided.

"I wasn't going to say that," Ritsuko interrupted.

"Oh, but you were thinking it," I shrugged. "Anyway, we need to provide some covering fire."

Ritsuko quickly picked her PSG-1 up again and started adjusting the windage knob. Eh…

Picking up the GLTD, I looked down at the dust cloud again. Ritsuko was quite quick to pick out a guard in a group of about six and blast the crossbow out of his hands, sending the rest running. The girl continued to surprise me even more when she quickly cycled through four more rounds in rapid succession, sending guards scattering in a total panic.

Ritsuko then cycled in another five round magazine. Damn, she'd put marine sharpshooters to shame. But I don't think she could keep up. We needed some REAL 'Keep your head DOWN!' action going on.

Pulling the GLTD away from my face, I glanced at it for a second, furrowing my brow. Then looked over my shoulder. Why not?

"Hey, how do you turn the laser on?" I asked.

Ritsuko reached out and deftly hit the button to turn on the targeting laser. Looking through the eyepiece again, I noted it now gave me range, as well as elevation. Meh, I should have asked sooner. Would have saved me guessing ranges.

Scanning around, I looked at the group dispersion in and around the dust cloud. After a moment, I settled on a tree a moderate distance away from the group, and aimed the laser at it.

"Mike'," I called.

"MREOW!" the tank responded. Don't ask me how a cat, or in this case cat SPIRIT, understood what I was saying. But it did, and that's all I cared about.

"Target, laser track… Three rounds, left to right, five meter spacing."

["MREOW!" the cat-tank responded. Really, did it understand that?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X9BbVlCkOE)

I think Ritsuko was a little too focused to realize what I was doing, or why I had asked about the laser right away. But about a moment after I finished, her head whipped around at me with a look of horror.

"No wait!" she began. "We're in fro-"

"FIRE."

In retrospect, I should have run it by Ritsuko. Because she was trying to point out that we were, in fact, in a bad position for shooting off tank rounds. It was a prospect that hit me like a kick in the head much the same way the overpressure wave from Mike's muzzle blast felt like someone was kicking me in the head.

I guess I'd forgotten about that. In the heat of the moment, or because my brain wasn't running as keenly as it should be. Either way, it didn't matter. The point was, you don't stand in front of a tank when it fires if you like to retain your hearing.

Mike' followed instructions quite accurately though. I guess for a cat spirit infesting a tank, it was pretty damn smart. Mike' fired off three rounds in quick succession, jolting both Ritsuko and myself with eardrum pounding pressure waves.

After the rounds went flying downrange, the only thing I could hear was the hollow ringing sound of tinnitus, and my own heartbeat. Which was all good because at that moment, I could see clearly that Ritsuko was busy shouting obscenities at me.

When she finally stopped to glare, I simply mouthed.

'Oops…'

She couldn't hear either, but I knew she got the idea. And just shook her head.

Grabbing up the GLTD again, I took a look at what kind of damage was caused. Mike' was damn accurate. The tree was gone, and there were small spots off to each side now burning from recent impact. The guards were now fleeing in all directions, quite clearly scared out of their wits. Amidst them, trying not to get stepped on, was a small white and black fuzzy thing, scrambling to make its way out of town.

Tapping Ritsuko on the shoulder, I handed her the GLTD and pointed in Celcia's direction. After taking a look, Ritsuko nodded, then turned to check on Junpei and Airi. The two were across the river now, and didn't look to have anyone following them. Mission complete.

Thirty minutes later, the group was back together. Celcia looked a bit rattled.

"Those shots were really close Ritsuko," she complained. "You scared the daylights out of me."

"You can thank the new guy," Ritsuko rolled her eyes. "He directed them."

Celcia looked at me with a frown as I worked to try and make my ears pop for the tenth time. They were STILL ringing. Pichi was awake now and crawling around on my feet. The tank shots had woken the critter up, I'm sure.

"Yeah, I wanted to make an impact," I explained. "Sorry if it was a little close. We weren't entirely sure you were safe in that hairball you stirred up. So I decided to add some covering fire to the mix."

I looked back at the tank, sticking my finger in my ear again.

"I forgot one important thing though… That hurt. I guarantee I won't forget twice."

Celcia sighed, then turned to Airi.

"Any luck?"

Airi shook her head with a disappointed look as Junpei grumbled next to her.

"It's all the same," he growled. "That elf was a real BITCH. How dare she talk to Airi like that."

"I take it I missed the good commentary?" I asked around a clipped yawn. I couldn't help but butt-in.

"You don't know the half of it," Junpei continued. "It just makes me so MAD I could hit someone."

Let's not and say we did yeah? I don't need Junpei going into angry 'Protect-Airi' mode. Junpei stood up suddenly and turned to walk away.

"Hey, let's go find some place to spar real quick," he indicated to me over his shoulder. "I need to blow off some steam."

Okay, NO. I don't know what got it into his delusional mind that I was even CLOSE to a valid sparring partner, but the difference between us in physical conditioning and skill were absolutely insane. He'd probably floor me with one punch.

"You coming or not?" he asked into my thoughts, turning around. Then he actually took a good look at me. And I guess that slow mind of his actually took note of what I was wearing.

"Ritsuko!" he snapped in disgust. "Look at what you've done! You've gone and corrupted him!"

"I did no such thing!" she shouted in defense. "And what do you mean CORRUPT?"

"Look at him!" Junpei indicated me once more. "You've got him all decked out in those guns! He'll probably geek out and spend hours polishing some tiny piece of metal. Oh! MAN! And here I thought he'd be someone worth hanging out with!"

Junpei must have been dead set on having me as 'One of the Guys' to hang out with and be macho around. The way he was talking, you'd think Ritsuko had dressed me up in doll clothes and frilly ribbons. Knowing Ritsuko though, the doll clothes would be combat fatigues, and the ribbons would be on boots.

Boots! I could go for a nice pair of boots. Steel toe, slip resistant... Maybe even waterproof... These slippers were going to be shredded by the end of the week at this pace.

"Only someone like you would think that way about this kind of firepower!" Ritsuko snapped back. "He's actually quite intelligent and knows what to use them for!"

"Like I would ask someone like you for her opinion on intelligence!" Junpei responded caustically.

"Like you're one to talk about intelligence you moron!" Ritsuko snapped back.

The argument was halted abruptly as I started to laugh. And laugh… And laugh. I don't know… Something in my brain must have suddenly shorted out, and the whole thing was suddenly funny. Oh so very funny. I mean, unbelievably funny to the point it shouldn't have been appropriate for me to laugh like this. But here I was, trying to hold myself up on the tank as I laughed so much my back started to hurt. It must be because of how tired I was or something. My mind gets weird in the wee hours of the morning. And I had no idea what time my body was on anymore.

"You guys!" I tried to get out as I managed to calm down a little. "You're too much."

The whole group was looking at me like I'd grown a third head. I managed to stop for a second, only to have to fight off another round of chuckles before speaking again.

"Here I am," I began with a wheeze. "Playing reality hopscotch, going to worlds, and interacting with people who, up until a day ago, were just fiction to me. And here you are, behaving exactly as I'm used to seeing. It's like I've known you forever."

And I snorted, fighting off another attack of laughter.

"Let's just break for lunch or something," I continued. "Let it go Junpei. I was never in the fighter camp to begin with. I'm ex-military."

Junpei seemed to deflate a little as I desperately tried to calm down. With that argument diffused, the group broke out the gear. And soon, lunch was served. I ate my fill this time. Which was nice. But all that rice just made what my body was really starting to tell me worse.

I was dead tired. A super starchy food like rice damn near put me to sleep on the spot. It was the least I could do to try and finish cleaning up before we all mounted Mike' again and began rolling on down the road. At this point, I could sleep anywhere. Even in a tank. So I dropped down inside the turret and found a seat to 'sort of' lean into.

Now, I just needed to figure out what the hell was causing the damn hops. Last two were about ten hours apart. It was still a little before noon. So I could grab a quick nap, and then be ready for the next hop. Just keep my gear on me, and I'd be good… All I had to do was be awake for it, and not asleep…

Asleep…

Sleep…

 


	9. Temple Tantrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, now that the character has his upgrades. How useful are those upgrades? Do they break the game? Are they ultimately useless? Or do they add some depth to the story and open up options?
> 
> Realistically speaking, having a weapon does not make a person a god in the story. In fact, the weapon may be ornamental if you're unwilling to use it on someone. But what signifies the willingness to use a weapon, and on who?

 

* * *

**Chapter 9: Temple Tantrum**

_"Are we really doing this?"_

* * *

 

 

And then it hit me…

SLEEP?!

My eyes snapped open as adrenaline coursed through my veins. And in an instant, a million and one possibilities rushed through my head as the trigger of my travels made itself crystal clear. It was so obvious I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. So much for scoring 'SUPERIOR' on pattern recognition in the WAIS II IQ test.

This quickly passed as I realized my location was too comfortable to be a tank. It was also too quiet. No flippin' way! I couldn't have been out for more than a few seconds. But I couldn't deny it. This was not the uncomfortable inside of Mike'. And how the hell did I go from a sitting position to lying on my back?

I froze, fighting the urge to sit bolt upright, forcing my breathing to remain relaxed as I quickly went through a mental checklist. I could be anywhere. Anywhere, but most certainly in a very specific location in that anywhere.

Some girl's bed… WHY?

It was round four in the strange cycle of waking up in dangerous places. I continued to fight a slow creeping panic as I recognized the cold plastic and metal feel of the Mossberg shotgun in my hands. Good, I still had it. It might be the only thing standing between me… and a very unpleasant situation…

Forcing my fingers to relax their death grip on the weapon, I tried to take stock of my situation while I had the initiative. I was in a room, dark, in a bed. The sound of breathing and close warmth indicated that it did actually have an occupant. Most likely female, and from the slow deep breaths she was taking, still asleep.

Lovely as this scenario sounds, I had already learned quickly from my past three experiences that this wasn't anywhere close to a good thing. In fact, as I was most determinably NOT suicidal, this was actually very, VERY bad.

Invariably, this would also be a 'fictional' world. A fictional world I knew the details on. From the past few experiences in the matter, the girl would be a character I knew the details on quite well. Based on the kinds of characters I liked in fiction, and the ones I knew in detail, this situation was promoted from 'Very Bad' to 'Far, FAR worse.'

I did my best to cross-examine myself right there. Something that you shouldn't really do when you're running on close to no sleep while being on your feet for in excess of twenty-five hours. But when you're running on almost no sleep for twenty-five PLUS hours, you start to get a little loopy.

I came to the conclusion very quickly that as a person who is unspeakably capable of getting along nicely with bipolar individuals extraordinarily well, I had a skewed taste in female personalities favoring that kind of mentality. Ones who had strong personalities, and violent tempers…

In short, I liked the 'Tsunderes'… They were entertaining.

Based on the last three hops, I landed in bed with at least two tsunderes, Ayeka and Motoko, and you might be able to count Ritsuko into that category if you interpreted it right. If this little pattern held true…

God, I have dangerous tastes in women.

That could be Lina Inverse next to me. I could be in some Inn in the Slayers universe next to the one sorceress whose power and temperament often got her compared to a nuclear war waiting to happen.... And I could be a toss-and-turn away from the center of the next pocket nuclear explosion. I don't think Washu's nanomachines can fix something that's been blasted into sub-atomic particles. And a shotgun wasn't going to stop her.

I didn't want to be rendered ground zero. I had to get out of this position. Fast.

Only, if I move fast, I'll wake the occupant of this bed, and it's Game Over.

Turning my head slowly, oh so very slowly, I tried to find the direction of escape. There, on my right, the edge of the bed… If I could just get off the bed without disturbing the girl… Dangerous, I'm so screwed if I do…

I started to roll onto my side, using my foot to rotate, stopping as the bed creaked due to the shift in weight. SLOWER! I had to move slower, I was a worm. Slow is fast, and fast is slow.

At least it wasn't as bad as my bed back home. That thing made so much noise if I so much as turned my head.

Slowly… Yes, that's it. Now I knew what it really felt like to be a sniper. Sometimes they had to move this slowly for hours on end to sneak up on a target. I had to become the sniper. Be one with the bed sheets, become the very fabric my body was in… if only to avoid waking the person in this bed up, to drape softly and caress as gently as a summer breeze as the finest of silk, smooth on the skin-

I really do need about twelve hours of zeds, don't I?

I managed to get one leg out over empty air, and then came the hard part as I tried to shift enough weight to roll over my arm. My progress was slow, but I was getting there. The problem was going to be shifting my body off the bed without shaking it. I'd have to rotate into a sitting position and stand up carefully in order to-

'THUD!'

I was unceremoniously shoved off the bed as the occupant tossed around in her sleep, shoving a knee into my kidney. I guess that's one way to do it. I froze in terror though as I heard the tossing and mumbling of the girl. The sound must have disturbed her. Not to mention having hit something solid… Did it wake her up? Please, no, stay asleep…

As I lay there, I kept focusing on my breathing. I absolutely must NOT make any noises to give myself away. There was another mumble that sounded like the girl calling someone 'stupid' while half awake, before I noticed the sheets and blanket that had been tugged with me during my sudden descent get yanked back up. Another flop, and some shifting, and it was quiet again.

I continued to focus on silent breathing, waiting for five painfully long minutes staring at the red display of a small digital clock nearby before I dared to move.

A little past four AM…

Once I was certain the young lady behind me was back in dreamland, I twisted into action. I could move quickly now, but I still needed to move silently. Raising up on my elbows and shuffling across the floor as quietly as I could, I high-crawled my way over to where the door should be.

A good look at the wall now that I was close enough to see it in the dark indicated it was some kind of classic Japanese architecture, found in old buildings and temples. The ones with the sliding doors like the ones I encountered in Ayeka's room and at Hinata.

Feeling around, I found the opening part, and gently stuck a finger in the crack. Then I began to tap gently, widening the crack bit-by-bit while trying to keep the noise of the sliding to a minimum.

It was a maddeningly slow process.

Finally, I had the door open wide enough to slip through without hitting it, and quietly peered into the hallway. So far, so good…

I briefly considered turning to shut the door just to erase any evidence of my presence, but decided that getting the hell out of there was more prudent. If I dawdled around to get caught, the status of the door was moot.

Once clear of the room, I gathered myself up and rose to my feet, wincing as a few joints cracked frighteningly loud in the comparative silence. If it weren't for the chronic, random popping of various joints on my body almost every time I moved, I could move in total silence. Believe me, I've tried to find methods to get around it. No luck…

Now that I was away from the door, I relaxed just a little. I wasn't out of the woods yet, but at least now my every movement wouldn't potentially end my life. Still, I had two more issues to deal with.

The first being that it was dark, and I could barely see out of the light sensitive corners of my vision. Maybe I should have swiped Ritsuko's night vision goggles with all the times I seemed to show up at O-Dark-Hundred.

The second was that I didn't know which way was OUT.

I was lost in the dark.

I guess it's better than lost in the dark with carnivorous critters trying to eat me like in Pitch Black.

Focus.

This place couldn't be very big. Finding the way out was just a matter of using my noggin for something besides holding up my glasses.

As I crept around in the dark, hoping for any deity, perhaps Washu, Tsunami, or Tokimi even, to hear me that I didn't walk directly into priceless clay pottery, I listened with everything I had. There wasn't the rumble of an air conditioner, the hiss of fans, or even the whining drone of a refrigerator's compressor that would tell me where the kitchen would be. The place had working electricity unless that clock was battery powered, but there was no other indication. It was sadistically silent, which made me the loudest thing in the building.

It made my skin crawl…

Slipping around a corner, I finally heard something that made me almost jump for joy. The sound of distant traffic.

I crept forward a little faster, making my way towards the dim gray glow of an open doorway with a half-sized statue in front of it. An exit if I ever saw one.

Then I'd just have to figure out what universe I was in, and a place to hide… Because I don't think large cities in Japan really care for a guy armed to the teeth. Unless this was like, 'Full Metal Panic' or something… Which I doubted…

Stepping quietly into the threshold, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was home free.

The statue moved at the sound…

Aw FUCK!

It whipped around in the dark quite fast, and seemed to stare at me for a few seconds, then it spoke.

"WHO ARE YOU?!"

I about soiled myself at this point, but managed to force that aside as I tried to place the voice. It was raspy, male, and sounded like it had vocal cords made of sandpaper.

It was an old man, not a statue.

The guy had to be four foot nothing, he barely came up to my chest. It's no wonder I dismissed him as a statue. Quick! How many absurdly shrunken old men did I know in the fiction I partook in? And whom did they live with?

Two…

And… crap.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

I brandished the Mossberg, taking a step back to make sure I was just a bit out of reach. Between the two shrunken old men I knew, one of them would be able to disarm me in a microsecond if I remained close enough for it.

"Stay back!" I snapped, silence abandoned. "I was just leaving…"

"So you've come to rob the shrine?" he asked, eyeing the shotgun carefully. "Desecration!"

A thump alerted me to the female in the other room waking up. Shrine? Old man, and young female? I had a feeling I had my location about figured out.

* * *

**World 4: Sailor Moon**

(A cross between Magical Girl and Super Sentai, with a dash of love story, and a drop of cosmic horror.)

_"You dismiss it as a silly show about magical girls in frilly outfits until you realize that the universe they're in is filled with the stuff of nightmares: All of which want to kill you and devour your soul."_

_"Then you find the nearest fluffy thing to hug."_

* * *

 

"I did nothing, I wasn't doing anything, I'm just leaving," I advised, trying to creep my way towards the door. I made sure that while brandished, I didn't aim the weapon directly at the man. Around the corner, I heard the voice of the girl shout as she slid her door the rest of the way open.

"Grampa!"

"REI FREEZE!" the old man snapped in a tone far stronger than he normally should have had for someone his age. Bingo. That name gave me all the information I needed, even before she came around the corner, only to stop as the tone of her grandfather's instructions struck home.

I was surrounded. But at least this time the situation was even. I had the firepower and the knowledge, they had home advantage. Rei, the girl behind me, was Sailor Mars… And while it dawned that she could roast me with a fire-based attack, she wouldn't transform in front of her grandfather so long as the stalemate was in progress.

Not unless I looked like a bigger threat…

The problem was I had two opponents, in two directions, and one weapon. Now, while I would be loathe to fire on Sailor Mars or her grandfather until I was quite certain I was about to die painfully, I still had a technical conundrum of their perceptions to worry about. Pausing to think about that, I checked to make sure my finger was OFF the trigger and out of the trigger well. We don't need any accidental discharges making my day worse, thank you.

Anyway, if one of them perceived they could take me, or that I was a danger to the other… I would probably get tackled. Then I'd be in for a ground-fight much like that of Motoko. This time, however, I had the feeling it wouldn't go my way. Despite my apparent physical superiority over both of these people…

I'm not even entirely sure what gramps here could be capable of when pushed into a corner to 'defend' his granddaughter. Old temple priests had a habit of being Monk Class fighters in fiction.

I tried to grill my memory for any details on the old guy as we stood there in silence. After a moment, I remembered. He could indeed fight quite well. It was a later episode of the series that showed it, but it was enough info to know he'd break me like a twig if he got a hold of me.

"Okay listen up," I tried to stay as calm and confident as I could, decidedly keeping my weapon trained in gramp's direction. "I'm leaving. I stole nothing; I wasn't doing anything. I have no intent to harm anyone if I don't have to. I'm simply passing through. Let me out, and you'll never see me again."

I started to creep towards the entrance again, allowing my weapon to drift across 'Grampa' as I calmly made my way out onto the threshold, my feet popping a little more as I made slow, careful steps.

The old man stared confidently down the barrel of the weapon, but didn't move as I passed within arm's reach. Once I was far enough away from him, I let the weapon drift back down and to the side, slowly backing away from the two as Rei moved up alongside her grandfather.

I could see the two better, now that there was some light from the surrounding city.

Grampa was bald, short, and a little more grizzled than I expected, but that could have just been the hour. Rei was like my other 'hosts'… She was pretty; she was dangerous.

She was pretty dangerous.

Oh… I need some sleep, the bad puns are out in force.

Even though I was high on adrenaline, I couldn't help but belt out a random yawn at the thought of sleep.

"Late nights are bad for you, you know," Rei commented snidely.

"You're one to talk, Ma-iss…" I managed to correct myself before I could blow my cover, slipping into English to slide the word. That was too close. I was losing it.

"How would you know?" she asked. Then, after a pause, she displayed some surprisingly good insight.

"You were in my room, weren't you?" she continued. "My door…"

It was a loaded question, and I knew instantly that I took too long to answer.

"Why you perverted little!" she began, preparing to rush at me.

"NO!" her grandfather snapped, blocking her path with an outstretched arm. "He holds his weapon like a soldier."

How the fuck could he TELL? I know the guy's probably been around and could recognize it, but could he see what I was doing in the dark? As I backed up, I eyed a small bridge leading off around the corner of the shrine.

Time to go…

"I'm leaving," I advised. "You're safe, I stole nothing, and I was NOT being a pervert. Don't follow me. I'm sorry for being a late night pest, but I've spent the last twenty-five hours living in the twilight zone. You'll have to excuse me for being freaked out and paranoid… Goodbye."

And with no idea where I was going, I turned and ran, sprinting across the bridge in these annoying Hinata house slippers as fast as I could. As soon as I was out of sight of the two, I heard a loud shout from the elder Hino that sounded like 'Rei!'

Crap, she was going to play the heroine and chase me down. Most certainly in her transformed state. I didn't have the stamina to outrun a girl who could leap across rooftops! I had to lose her, and FAST.

I dove into the trees and almost broke my neck stumbling down the backside of the hill behind the Temple, emerging suddenly into a corner between two buildings. I had to pick the back way out. Tokyo was a lot more cramped than back home. There was a row of buildings on my right fenced in, a funky shaped building on my left, and a path down the middle.

I didn't think, I ran. First the path down the middle. I passed an opening on my right, but it looked too open compared to the cover provided by some trees ahead. So I ran past a second row of buildings to duck under the trees, then turned right and ran up the side street, or alley, or whatever it was.

When I reached what appeared to be an actual street, I turned left and hugged the building, trying to keep a mental idea of where my pursuer would be by now. A few really late night… or was it early morning pedestrians looked surprised as I ripped right past them.

Spying an opening across the street to my right, I checked for traffic and then crossed over. It started to hurt as I forced myself up a staircase between two buildings. I couldn't keep this up for long.

Reaching a line of trees separating the current plot from another building with several parked vehicles, I hung a right sprinting until I ran into a side street. Then doubled back in the general direction of the shrine along it before bounding over to another gap and slipping between two buildings.

After another left, and a right, I came through a back alley area filled with trees. I was about out of breath. With a quick rest at a corner, I continued my run, swiftly dashing into the cover of the trees.

I really need to get back in shape… Or take Washu up on that GP treatment. At least then this would have been nothing. Doubling back toward the shrine would be good to keep her off my trail, so I turned right as I hit the next small side street… back alley… whatever these ten-foot wide mini-streets could be called.

"FIRE SOUL!"

I guess you can't hide from a girl on her own turf.

I stopped short to pant for air as her flaming attack intercepted me, cutting me off from any further advance. Well, at least I'd get a breather… How long would this take?

["How dare you terrorize the innocent in the middle of the night!" Rei, pardon… SAILOR MARS, began from the top of a telephone pole](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEsGj0tCT4E). "That nice old shrine keeper and his incredibly beautiful granddaughter didn't do anything to-"

Way to ham it up REI… Blah-blah-blah-blah… Righteousness this, justice that. It was almost enough to make you WANT to become a super villain, just to have the morals needed to kill her on the principles of corny dialogue alone. Still, you keep talking Rei. I'll sit here and catch my breath.

"-And for that, I SAILOR MARS! Will punish you!"

Damn, I guess she didn't have as much hot air as I was hoping.

"I thought," I huffed, deciding to try throwing her off with the familiarity routine. "I told you not to…" Damn shortness of breath. "To follow me Rei."

I could see her hesitate for just a moment. Them Sailor Senshi just didn't know how to cover for blown cover.

"I- What are you talking about?" she mocked innocence. Airi could act circles around her.

"IDIOT!" I snapped in English.

"What?" she asked.

I huffed once, waving it away while I caught some more air. Now I was tired, sore, jelly legged… Ugh. AND CRANKY!

"Don't play dumb," I continued. "Sailor Mars, Hino Rei… Hino Rei, Sailor Mars... Kind of obvious when the only real difference between you is a change of outfit."

"I have, NO idea what you're talking about," she continued to try and hold the charade. I guess she was hoping I was taking a stab in the dark. Oh god dammit. I was running out of patience for this kind of thing.

"Fine," I huffed. "Your first day as a Senshi involved that suave asshole Jeidite posing as one of the new helpers at the shrine. He was actually using the local buses to cart people off before zapping them for their life force. You argue on a daily basis with Tsukino Usagi, also known as Sailor Moon. You current primary attack is 'Fire Soul', and you use a psychically charged Ofuda scroll as a secondary attack to dislodge evil spirits. You have two pet Crows, named Phobos and Deimos, which happens to be the names of the two moons of the planet Mars. Crows who are quite intelligent and can sense Evil. And, mind you, did not react to my presence. You act as a Miko for your grandfather's shrine, but you dream of one day being a singer. Would you like the bullet point list with your birth date, favorite gem, star sign, and least favorite food? Or can we skip the clueless routine and get with the program? Because you can't act to save your life."

As I buried her with the info dump, I watched her face go from surprised, to shocked, to livid, to mortified. I of course, lied about the bullet list. I didn't know her details THAT well, but that info was out there…

"I-" she began after several seconds of completely mixed emotions. "You… What... HOW! WHO ARE YOU!?"

"Someone who knows too much," I snapped back.

"You're a stalker aren't you!" Mars replied. "You snuck into my home! YOU WERE IN MY ROOM! YOU PERVERTED FREAK!"

"OH FOR CHRISTS SAKE!" I roared in English, catching the Senshi off guard. "I've had it up to HERE with this whole goddamn fucking situation!"

I rounded on my heels, spinning in place as I waved my arms in the air. I'd finally gone and lost it.

"I've been awake for twenty-five damn hours!" I continued in Japanese again. "Teleporting all over the god damned place and waking up in beds where the ladies keep trying to kill me. And every time I go to sleep, I teleport AGAIN! Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up in a strange place, run for your life, explain yourself, stress out, and do it all over again the next time you try to catch some zeds? Cut me some fucking slack! If this keeps up, I'm going to go postal! And I have fifty rounds of double-ought buckshot to burn through! PLUS two grenades, PLUS a claymore mine!"

"You were," she began. "In my BED?"

Pin-pon! We have a winner! Give the girl a prize!

"Oh god damn," I muttered. "Usagi catches on faster… YES!"

Sailor Mars looked absolutely disgusted. I don't blame her. In retrospect, I did sound like a raving lunatic at this point.

"YES!" I continued after a moment. "I was in your bed. I teleported in at random. Seems to be a theme for me lately. You kicked me off while I was trying to sneak out. You yanked your bed sheets and covers up while I was sitting on the floor. Your door was open because I opened it to get out. Your grandfather caught me because I mistook him for some small statue. I was trying to keep my sorry ass alive! Look at me! I'm mismatched, overweight, armed to the TEETH. I hurt, I'm tired, and I'm cranky! I must be the most unusual 'stalker' in Tokyo. Don't mess with me! I'm from Texas, and I have a GUN!"

Yeah, I believe I mentioned something about saying stupid things when I'm tired. This was probably up there. Especially the whole 'Texas! Guns! RAWR!' bit. I was raving. Stark raving. There was nothing I could do about it. The lack of sleep was affecting my judgement.

It had the effect of leaving Rei completely flabbergasted though. I don't think she really knew how to respond.

So we just stared each other down. As we did so, I idly thought to myself. How does she keep her balance on that telephone pole? The non-sequitur thought helped to calm me down a little. Enough to realize how crazy I had just sounded. So I closed my eyes and rubbed my face with my free hand.

"Look," I continued at last. "I'm sorry, let's just drop it. The whole story is just too weird, and I bet you'd rather get back to slee-"

I froze as something or someone screamed like they were having their limbs ripped off one by one. It was startling, and quite freaky.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" I asked in shock.

Sailor Mars spun in place, looking back behind her in similar shock, but a lot more frantic.

"Grampa!" She was about as pale as can be, even in the dim-night glow.

The Senshi wasted no time, catapulting onto the roof of the building next to the telephone pole and taking off at a run back towards the shrine.

For a minute, I watched, amazed at how easily she'd made the bound. You know, even as tired as I was, I could appreciate how awesome it would be to be able to bounce right up onto a rooftop to go chasing after monst-

Ah FUCK! Only one possible situation was occurring. In fact, I knew exactly who was involved, and what was going on beyond my sight.

"Fucking running!" I snarled, greeting a new sprint with a fresh round of adrenaline.

Don't ask me why I took off behind Sailor Mars at that moment. Sometimes, when you know there's trouble, you just want to help in any way possible.

I had a gun.

And I was cranky.

Zoicite better fucking hope he's bulletproof…


	10. General Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next issue to think about when armed, is if one has what it takes to kill another man. In a lot of fiction, you'll find that people kill each other all the time. But the thing is that many of the writers don't realize how hard it actually is for a sane individual to make the decision to pull the trigger.
> 
> Military training expresses a lot of emphasis in the soldiers being able to dehumanize a target so they can do their job. The articles from Killology explain this in finer detail and explain just how hard and painful it is to kill another man. To summarize, humans, like most animals, are hard-wired not to kill their own species. It takes a kind of mental justification strong enough to make a person seem no longer human to fool the brain and bypass that little hard wiring. Exceptions exist, but most humans would have a hard time killing their own kind.
> 
> So what does it take to make a man kill?
> 
> Let's think about this as we return you to your regularly scheduled fiction…

* * *

**Chapter 10: General Chaos**

_"Rule number one: I WIN."_

* * *

 

Adrenaline…

It's powerful stuff. 

The body produces this chemical for times when it needs to push past every normal physical limit and turn the person in question into a momentary super-human. Indeed, there are accounts of mothers and fathers being able to lift cars off their children when they've been trapped underneath them.

Adrenaline stimulates the heart, and dulls the sense of pain, making the body capable of tolerating the strain of overreaching its limits and taking damage, so long as it can get out of a situation alive. It can turn even the most portly of fellows into an Olympic sprinter for short periods at the expense of lasting damage.

I discovered a little about this as I lost ground to a roof-bounding Sailor Mars. After running a disjointed path through the area, I had pretty much spent myself. So as I made a direct line sprint between buildings right back towards the shrine, Hikawa, I knew it was the adrenaline giving me the boost to move on.

The underbrush along the side of the hill slowed me down as I ran into it and started trying to scramble my way up. It slowed me down enough when combined with the dark that I was forced to think about what I was doing, and what was going on. 

If I remembered the situation right, Zoicite, that asshole, had just gone after Gramps for one of the crystal things whose name I was too addled to remember at the moment. He would then try to turn 'Grumps' himself into one of their elite monster warriors.

What bloody good timing I had. Just when Sailor Mars NEEDED to be there, I managed to drag her away. Still, something about the scenario wasn't right. And I was beginning to trust my instincts in the matter of things being off. I couldn't expect myself to remember every detail perfectly all the time, but I knew something wasn't going according to the predefined sequence events.

Luckily, in all my doubling back previously, I hadn't actually gone a straight-line distance very far from the shrine. Probably a tenth of a mile at the most, given we were able to hear the scream. That meant the response time for Sailor Mars wasn't very long. Maybe forty-five seconds tops. 

I on the other hand, still struggling up through what had to be the most choked side of the hill I could have possibly picked, took a bit longer. On the plus side, the frustration both helped to keep me infuriated, yet also forced me to think through my anger. Once I was up onto the shrine grounds again, I decided to approach quietly. Maybe blast that damned dark general from behind if I was lucky… 

I kept to the shadows, and quickly ducked behind a large tree. I saw him over on the corner near the entrance. Sandy blond hair, gray uniform… That's about all I could make out. But yes, Zoicite.

I double-checked my knowledge on him. Head-on would be a stupid method of attack. The guy had a power set similar in function to Ayeka or Ryoko. He could teleport, throw dark force attacks, generate a crystal sword from thin air… Not to mention he had no sense of fair play in a fight.

What do you know, NEITHER DO I!

If he weren't an arrogant ASSHAT, we'd probably get along, barring the whole, Evil, part….

The thing about these Dark Generals is that while they could generate force fields to protect themselves from just about any perceived attack a normal human could launch, they seemed to use them rarely. And physically… well, Nephrite got impaled to death. Physical attack… Makoto managed to bruise Zoicite with a good punch. Physical attack again. So based on the evidence, use of small arms WOULD work.

IF I could get in a good clean first strike…

Sailor Mars in the mean time was busy running, dodging, and pleading at her transformed grandfather. How long she would last without some help? Questionable... And the way things were looking probably my fault. Didn't some form of help usually arrive just in the nick of time thanks to some freaky coincidence around here?

Maybe that's my job today…

I slipped away to the right, flanking around behind the shrine building planning my move. Best chance for maximum damage would be to get as close as possible without being seen. I don't know how well Zoicite could regenerate from an injury, but the more damage I did on the first hit, the better my chances were.

Our chances…

I corrected my line of thought. I was now definitely siding with Rei, and anything I could do to help her would probably help me. 

There was laughing from the opposite side of the building. That asshole really was enjoying his job to the fullest. Keep laughing asshole. I've read The List; you're in violation.

As I came around the far side, I slowed to a steady creep, reducing what little sound I'd been making. To some extent, it was a good thing Sailor Mars was making so much noise seeing there were leaves here and there.

Must be fall…

Creeping around the last corner and moving through the shadows, I sighted my target again. This time, back to me. The Mossberg came up to my shoulder, sliding into place the same way I had trained with an M-16. I reminded myself quickly as I inched my way towards my opponent that this weapon was going to have more kick, so I pulled in just a little more tightly.

Sight picture on the target? 

Iron sights, center mass with Zoicite's backside. Fancy headshots are for snipers and video games.

Stance?

I crept a little closer before bracing with my left leg. Did I mention I fire left handed?

Target area?

I let my eyes shift focus, the two sets of bead sights on the Mossberg becoming blurs as I focused on the target, then he became a blur as I shifted focus to the area beyond, where Rei was still running circles.

Check fire…

Wait for it…

Clear! 

Breathing, trigger squeeze.

I relaxed into the shot, exhaling quietly, and squeezed the trigger.

… 

I said squeezed the trigger…

… 

Nothing was happening! I felt a surge of near panic as I hesitated and seized up. Then I realized the problem, the trigger wasn't moving. It wasn't giving. 

I HAD THE FUCKING SAFETY ON!

I WAS RUNNING AROUND READY TO USE THE WEAPON AND I'D NEVER BOTHERED TO TAKE IT OFF SAFE!

GOD DA- 

Focus Pinky! Safety off!

Military training is good for keeping you centered in tense situations. As long as you reminded yourself to think outside of automatic actions, you'd be okay. I lowered the weapon with a quick snap motion, taking my hand off the pistol grip to slap the safety mechanism with a metallic click, and quickly retrained it.

And saw Zoicite looking my way curiously. 

Either he saw my reckless motion, or heard the safety.

Our eyes met briefly as I went over my sight picture and breathing, staring down the barrel. And we both locked in hesitation.

Zoicite was an inhuman animal, and I was here to exterminate.

[Trigger squeeze.](https://samuraipenguinstudios.bandcamp.com/track/load-strain-i-am-death)

The muzzle flashed blindingly in the relative dark, and the sound was like a clap of thunder to my ears as the shotgun kicked into my shoulder harder than I had expected. At the same time, I had seen Zoicite's eyes widen as my finger had drawn back. And I knew even as my eyes recovered from the flash, that I had seen him vanish in a burst of cherry blossoms, teleporting out of my line of fire. The human brain can process a snapshot visual as small as one, two-hundredths of a second, if not smaller. And I knew I missed, even as the spray of lead blasted the bark off the tree on the opposite side of the shrine's small courtyard. Zoicite was infinitely lucky I had hesitated.

It was definitely a showstopper, as both Sailor Mars, and the monster version of her grandfather, stumbled to a halt to see who had the thunder stick. They could wait though. At the time, the only primitive thought going through my head was to reacquire my target and blast it.

Which was a bit of a problem, because even though I had the training for firearms, reacting to teleporting opponents was not part of the routine. It was enough to break me out of my funk, forcing me to think about the teleport.

Where does a teleporter go in a fight?

The same place I would go if I could teleport.

I started my turn a little before the voice began.

"You actually managed to sneak-"

And Zoicite took a face full of telescoping butt-stock before he could finish his sentence. That's the problem with these baddies. Too much lip-service… If you're going to teleport into backstabbing range, stab first, then talk.

After the first hit, he was still stumbling when I took a step and came back the other direction, catching him in the shoulder as I pressed the attack. Remember what I said about that fight with Motoko? How I had learned that I had to keep my momentum going? This was the reason why. 

My third attack was a smash, directly into the abdomen of my adversary, who let out a gasp in the dark as I continued to move forward. The entire point of bayonet was attack, attack, attack… Keep moving forward. Never pause; never back away. Don't think; just destroy the enemy until they stopped moving. It was just as brutal as groundwork. And it was probably a good thing that it was dark, my opponent was one of the greatest assholes in all of fiction, and that I was past the mental breaking point. Because if I had been in my right mind right about now, I probably wouldn't have been this animalistic.

As the blond-haired freak keeled over from the stomach blow, I curled the stock in and swing upwards, connecting with his jaw to send him sprawling. It was really too bad I didn't have an actual bayonet on the rifle- er… shotgun… or I would have already inflicted mortal wounds. If only I had some duct tape, then I could strap Motoko's dagger to the end of the shotgun and it would work long enough to do the job.

No functional bayonet on the weapon though. And after three blows, my enemy was no longer standing. I couldn't swipe at him without joining him on the ground for a pounding. Instead, I reseated my grip and pumped the Mossberg.

Man, that double click never sounded so satisfying in all my life…

Zoicite teleported as fast as he could, and the ground erupted in a shower of dirt and cherry blossoms as the second round of buckshot intended for him missed.

I stood catching my breath for a second, the momentum of my assault halted. He wouldn't try the same angle of attack twice after paying for his mistake with that kind of damage. No way he was that stupid. Stupid, yes... But not THAT stupid…

My mind replayed the action and I recalled seeing something shiny go flying on the second blow. I'd find it in a moment. Where was my enemy?

"My FACE!" Zoicite snapped from above. He'd be one to try the flying advantage. "How dare you-"

Mossy clicked its teeth as I turned, chambering another round. Flying won't help you, bastard.

Zoicite's eyes bugged out as I trained my weapon. He understood what the sound meant now. 

Mossy barked. He teleported just in time. Three away, three in the tube... 

I pumped my newly named weapon, chambering my next shot, quickly moving towards a tree. The teleporter was going to wise up, and the open was a bad-

"ZOI!"

I dove out of the way of the dark force blast as it cut a path through the spot I'd been in. It had come from the corner of my vision on the right. I lost one of the Hinata slippers as I did so.

While I was on the ground, I slipped a shell off the stock of the Mossberg and rolled towards the nearest tree. Once I was there, I shoved the round into the tube. Zoicite didn't know how many times I could shoot. I wasn't going to let him get a count.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called, voice falsetto. He was pissed.

I rolled towards the voice, propping up painfully on my elbows and fired, splintering a tree trunk and hearing a clipped yelp. Damn!

I popped two more rounds into the tube as his retaliatory attack blasted the tree I was behind. Two more rounds on the rail, then it was the shoulder.

I heard it this time, the swish of a teleport, quieter than Ryoko's, but it was audible. He was going for a clear line of fire. I centered on the sound I heard, and pumped the Mossberg. Something moved in the dark, and I fired on it, pumping again as I pushed to my feet. Then I fired another blast to cover my movement as I moved to keep the tree between us.

"ZOI!"

My covering shot did its job in delaying him; I was safe when the tree took the blow.

I plucked the last two rounds from the rail mount and shoved them into the tube as I ducked away from the splinters. I was quickly falling into a pattern so many games of Halo taught gamers to do with the shotgun. Load a round at every chance.

I heard the teleport high to the left this time, but I was still behind my cover. I leaned out, pumping and firing at a gray shadow in a gap above the canopy. The shot went wild and shattered a branch.

"HOW THE-?!" he cut off and I heard the teleport shift down into the trees towards the front area of the shrine.

Why wasn't Zoicite using a shield? 

"ZOI!" he shouted again. And I ducked back with plenty of time to spare as my tree received another pummeling of dark force. It was probably time to move. I noted the delay between his shout, and the attack, not to mention how slow it was.

The other thing I noticed was how quiet he'd become. In retrospect, I don't think the 'general' had ever experienced what I was throwing at him. Well, his opponent WAS nothing but a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls lead by a whiny brat. Combine that with that power high he was on and his fighting tactics and experience were medieval at best.

I moved from my cover, shuffling for another tree as I fired in the direction of his last attack. As I kept moving in the direction of travel, I almost missed the glint as something shiny slammed into the tree around head height.

"FUCK!" That would have come too close to skewering me if I had ducked back. Bastard was catching on and trying new tricks. I dove for the next tree just in case he had more than one to throw.

"The next one won't miss!" Zoicite's voice snarled and wavered as I rolled my back to the tree. "Give up human!"

Was he scared? I know I was… Scared, angry, doped up on enough adrenaline to make an elephant tap dance… Tired. It was all just one objective now. Take him out. If my attacks had sapped his confidence that well, I had better initiative than I thought. I had to keep it. Maybe it was keeping him off center enough to try using a shield.

I heard him teleport again as I completely reloaded the tube on Mossy and pumped. He was flanking. I rolled to stay out of sight; something jabbed my stomach as I did so.

I rolled out from my tree, staying flat on my stomach as I looked for my target. Something snapped a motion and I saw him clearly enough as he hurled another bad shiny at me. It sounded like an arrow the way it flew, as it zipped high. Two of them actually, as one hit a tree back behind me and the first embedded where my head would be if I were standing up.

I lined up my sight and fired. Zoicite barely ducked away, but I heard a pained yelp as the tree splintered from my inside shot.

Clipped him.

I pumped again and fired at the tree where I saw his head duck, and was rewarded by satisfying splinters flying in every direction. As he teleported several times frantically, I rolled back into place, jabbed again in the stomach. Stopping to correct this, I pulled a small, shiny, golf-ball sized object out from under me.

I almost pocketed it when I realized what it was. That must have been what he dropped when I clubbed his face. That gave me an idea.

"Hey Zoicite!" I snapped, rolling into position, sticking the small 'good shiny' out where it could be seen. "Did you drop this?"

I heard him swear, tracked on the sound, and fired on gray.

I heard a pained yell, and the sound of something like glass hitting cement. Mossy pumped, and fired on movement. Pumped again, fired… Pumped, fired.

I emptied the tube as fast as I could, peppering the spot with lead until I was empty, sending splinters up from trees and dirt that took bits of buckshot. Eat lead you insufferable bastard! Eat lead and die! Die and go to hell! Do not pass Go! Do not collect two hundred dollars!

While I waited for any signs of movement, I slowly used my trigger hand to pull another shell off the shoulder harness, and slid it into the tube. Then a second… Did I kill him?

The sound of a teleport high and to the left, made me almost swear, but the panicked huffing I could hear was satisfying. Pushing to my feet, I saw the general floating over the front of the shrine's main building now, holding a shoulder and dripping whatever passed for blood.

"Monster Jiiji!" Zoicite commanded near frantically. "KILL HIM! GET THE CRYSTAL! I WILL NOT RETURN EMPTY HANDED LOOKING LIKE THIS!!!"

"Fuck," I swore, suddenly remembering the other members of this little party. It must have been the ferocity of the firefight or something. Despite the length of the exchange between myself and that BASTARD… neither Sailor Mars, nor her monster-fied grandfather had moved. Did they just sit there the whole time and watch the exchange?

"Jiiji…" Grampa Ojiiji-oni-san growled, turning towards me. God that was a convoluted nickname… I pumped Mossy, causing the creature to hesitate.

"Mars," I began, looking unsteadily at the creature-creation. "If you don't stop him, I will…"

That seemed to snap HER out of the funk as she looked between the two of us.

"NOW…" I instructed more urgently, raising my weapon. In the corner of my vision, Zoicite simply watched.

"But he's…" she began.

"JIIJI!" the beast snarled and charged.

"ON A RAMPAGE!" I snarled, snapping to aim.

"ZOI!"

The force blast struck me in the side, and I instantly knew I'd made the mistake of taking my eyes off the biggest threat. I was expecting far worse though… pain, blinding searing pain. Or maybe to feel my bones crushed. Strangely, it just felt like getting picked up and thrown. Maybe Zoicite was weakened after that fight.

Still, it's not the fall that hurts; it's the sudden stop at the end. I felt my shoulder pop, nearly dislocating as I collided with a tree and went spinning out across the ground, my shotgun skittering away out of reach. Along with the 'good shiny' I'd been holding. Oh, that was going to hurt later…

Mars finally went on the attack, racing towards me while hurling a Fire Soul attack up at Zoicite. Maybe watching how I fought had given the girl something resembling a clue. At the same time, Zoicite teleported clear, reappearing to grab the crystal.

OJiiji-oni-ah fuck it… Dark Gramps… Or maybe Grumps... Yeah. Grumps.

Grumps turned to intercept, knowing full well that the Girl was loath to attack him now.

"Jiiji…" God damn, those googly eyes it made screwed the effect up.

"Grampa wake up!" she pleaded.

"So weak," Zoicite huffed, bending down to snatch up the crystal.

Hell if you get to keep it.

"I barely hit him, and he up and dies so easily," he laughed. "I can't believe he did this much damage."

Dead? I'm not dead? But if that's what he wanted to believe… I kept on the ground. Obviously he couldn't see me breathing in the dark. But now what? Play possum until he leaves? And let him get away with a victory like this? 

Oh! The very thought had me seeing red all over again, a lot of red. I was going to kill the bastard, right here, right now. My hand slowly went to the hip pack, gripping the zipper on it and pulling quietly.

"And now that I've got what I want," the asshole laughed. "I'm going to ENJOY this before I go back."

Keep monologuing asshole, you'll get what's coming to you.

"Monster Jiiji," he commanded, sounding quite demented. "Kill Sailor Mars."

"Jiiji," Grumps growled, turning towards Mars. As it did so, I moved my hand a little faster, grasping something round, hard, and cold, and pulled it free.

Mars was backpedaling quickly as Grumps herded her back towards the front steps to the shrine. She would not fight that thing. It was her grampa. And it would KILL her.

"What are you going to do MARS?" the general coughed, trying to get his arrogant tone back. "You seem determined not to fight, but if you don't fight you'll die. Decisions, decisions." 

Okay, one more time… HEAVE.

Zoicite visibly jumped as my arms moved into motion, he even limped back a step as I stood up and glared.

"Impossible!" he choked, looking absolutely terrified all of a sudden. "You should be dead!"

What the hell possessed him to think he'd killed me? I'm not sure, but I was certain HE was going to die as I calmly pulled the secondary safety clip off the killing tool in my hand.

"What about it?" I asked, inserting my middle finger into the pull ring, trying to get him to monologue a little more. Last thing I wanted was for him to scream at me while firing more force blasts.

"WHO ARE YOU!?" He was getting frantic now as I twisted and pulled. "WHAT ARE YOU!? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!"

Do what? 

There was satisfying give as I checked for the fastest way to get the fuck out of dodge. It would have to be the steps.

"WHY CAN'T I FEEL YOUR LIFE FORCE?!"

Even screwed up as I was, and curious as I was, it was too easy.

"Because I'm DEATH," I snarked.

'Tink!'

I let fly my little bundle of pyrotechnic joy, straight at his face.

ONEONETHOUSAND…

Zoicite ducked as the thing sailed past him, jumping back a little at the same time as he watched it sail through the air.

TWOONETHOUSAND…

I didn't stop to think. This spot was suddenly a very bad place to be. Grumps seemed to realize it too…

THREEONETHOUSAND…

Zoicite rounded on me, his hand coming up to fire a blast but found me sprinting as hard as I could right at a confused Mars.

FOURONETHOUSAND…

I bulldozed Mars at top speed and threw us both at the stairs. Out of the corner of my vision, I saw Zoicite's look of confusion as he turned back to face the object I'd thrown.

FIVE.

For those of you who've never thrown an M-67 fragmentation grenade, it actually produces three, distinctly unique sounds.

The first sound can best be described as a metallic 'tink' of a cheap metal spoon being tapped against a small piece of sheet metal. The sound it makes as the fuse handle pops off the device.

The second sound is an eerie, almost freaky whistling buzz sound when it flies through the air. I'm unsure what causes it, but I'm not about to investigate closer. The sound was enough to make Grumps run.

The third, and most satisfying sound, is the sound of detonation. Grenades do not simply 'BOOM' as you might expect. If you listen to enough of them, you come to realize you can hear two distinct sounds very close together. The first being the ignition of the primer blasting cap as the fuse runs out, which sounds like a high 'pop' or 'shop' sound… And the detonation of the main charge of high explosive in a loud 'whump' or 'whoomp'...

A combined sound that is most distinctly described as 'SHWHOOMP!'

Even with the pain of rolling down several steps, I couldn't help but smile at the sound of high explosive as it turned the casing of a softball sized metal sphere into a hail of molten metal fragments.

I heard other sounds as my every sense seized the moment. Wooden breaking sounds, zipping sounds, ricochets, and glass sounds. The sounds of death flying everywhere.

Tumbling painfully to a halt with a shocked Sailor Senshi pinning me down, I huffed as I turned my head to look at the stairs. Still here, still in one piece.

Allowing Mars to quickly crawl off me, I forced my body up and dashed back up the stairs.

The first thing I saw was the crystal.

Shiny! MINE!

I scooped it up instantly. Now where was Zoicite- oh THERE he was…

Jogging over to collect Mossy, I turned and moved towards the general, preparing to finish the job if he wasn't dead already.

I frowned as I saw his chest rise and fall despite the dark. Damn, he really refused to die after taking a shotgun blast and a grenade to the face. But he was a mess. Shoulder all but destroyed now that I got a look at it, and his body was flayed all over, his uniform ruined, blood oozing out of one eye. I can't deny feeling just a touch of sympathy for the creep. He looked like hell.

"I will," he started to cough as he saw me walk up, "kill you for this…"

There was no redemption for this asshole. He was a monster to the end. So there was only one option.

"No," I began, aiming the shotgun at his face. "You won't..."

"BLAM!"


	11. Exorcism 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Murphy's Law states that what can go wrong, will go wrong. While most people take it to mean "don't tempt fate", the actual meaning is actually a bit more subtle and complicated.
> 
> It means something along the lines of: "If there is something that can fail in a system, it will eventually fail."
> 
> This is a warning, that if you don't plan for failure, failure will STILL strike. And you'll be SOL when it does.
> 
> In fiction, you can make use of Murphy's Law to turn a small problem into a bigger problem. A flat tire can be a small problem. A flat tire in the middle of a scorching south-western US desert? Not so small…
> 
> Murphy's Law can be applied to remind people that in real life, a dozen happy coincidences don't just appear out of thin air. You will not always have the right tool for the job, or the right person to do the job when the job needs doing.
> 
> Sometimes, you just have to make what you have work.
> 
> We call this, improvising.
> 
> What will the story improvise?

* * *

**Chapter 11: Exorcism 101**

_"The right tool for the job is always missing when you need it."_

* * *

 

 

I frowned. 

It was a simple expression, but conveyed so much meaning. If a picture was worth a thousand words, an expression was worth a novel.

As I stood there, the gunshot echoing into the background of the Tokyo night, the weight of my action slammed into my consciousness.

I just killed a man. I killed him in cold blood, as the butcher slaughters. I didn't strike him down in an epic firefight to the death. I finished him off, broken and defeated as he was, while he lay helpless on the ground. Zoicite was a beast, but some part of him was still human. I had to remind myself as those thoughts surfaced that Zoicite was not a case of what ifs. I knew exactly what he would do, how he would do it, and how sadistic he would be in the process. If I hadn't killed him, he'd be back. And he would kill out of spite, out of pleasure. In the end, he just needed killing, plain and simple.

"You… killed him," the soft feminine voice of Sailor Mars almost whispered in my hearing. The Sailor Senshi walked up next to me, looking pale despite the dark, and seemed somewhat tepid as we watched the former Dark General dissolve into a mound of cherry blossom petals and sparkles. The strangeness of it had little effect over the churning of my stomach.

"Yes," I nodded, fighting back bile. "I killed him."

I expected some kind of satisfaction from beating this 'fictional' enemy, or maybe to become deathly ill from making my first kill…

But, aside from a bit of an upset stomach, I felt nothing. There was no satisfaction, no horrible collapse, just emptiness. It was like I had simply finished an unpleasant job, checked it off a list, and moved on to something more pleasing.

"I killed the monster," I finished.

Idle thought hit me:

Monster?

"GRAMPA!" we chorused. Both spinning about to find 'Grumps' growling at us, looking more vicious than ever.

Tired as I was, sore, and every other condition you could imagine me to be in at this point, it seemed so very clear as I pumped the Mossberg and chambered the last round in the tube.

"If it's not one thing, it's another," I growled in response, glaring into those damned googly eyes. "Do you want to bet on being tougher than your boss, monster Jiiji?"

"Don't hurt him!" Mars admonished from my side. "That's still my grandfather in there!"

I angled my head, never breaking eye contact with Grumps.

"Then we have a problem…" I replied. "I suppose you have a plan on healing him?"

"Sailor Moon can do it easily!" Mars reminded me.

"I guess that might work," I nodded, suddenly feeling some sarcasm coming on. "Assuming Usagi's been lurking around here at four in the morning lately and decides to make her corny love and justice speech right about now. We can heal your Grampa, gripe at her for being late, and laugh it off over some rice cakes."

There was an extended pause.

"Jiiji," Grumps growled at length, claws elongating. 

"I guess Sailor Moon didn't get the memo," I continued, raising the Mossberg. "Monster Fight, five AM sharp, BE THERE…"

It was quiet for several seconds.

"Then I don't know what to do," Mars almost whined. What it took to make her whine, almost to sound like Usagi. Man, she must be turning into an emotional wreck. Now's not the time to be Emo though…

"I've currently got three options," I commented, lining my sights up. Mars looked at me curiously.

"One," I began. "I kill the demon now."

"NO!" she snapped.

"Two," I cocked my head as if to say 'very well' and continued. "We use the ultimate fallback option."

"What's that?" she asked.

"We die, at great length, and in great pain," I instructed. Mars blanched.

"I never said it was a GOOD fallback option…"

"So what's the third option?" she asked, looking at Grumps as it took a menacing step towards us.

"Advance to the rear," I nodded.

"Advance to the-?" she looked at me confused.

["RUN LIKE FUCK!" I dropped my aim and fired into the dirt in front of Grumps, kicking up a spray of dust and dirt.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTkkysQPGhM)

Grumps flinched at the blast and report as Sailor Mars and I scattered in two directions. Then with a roar of its own name… What is it with monsters that roar their names? It makes it sound like a Pokemon reject. But I digress. Grumps tore after Rei, firing a blast of dark energy from its mouth.

If you told me that today I was going to go tearing after a girl in a miniskirt, have a showdown with a super villain, or get chased around by an angry demon grampa, I would have asked you what you were smoking. Hell, even after the universe hopping I've done, I would have asked you why I would risk my life and get into a fight if I could avoid it.

Well, sometimes these things just happen, and the next thing you know is that despite all rational thought pointing to other actions, you're doing the irrational. And I wondered why I had done all this… I wondered why I was suddenly feeling so clear headed as I ducked into the trees, shouting as Mars to try and use any and all cover possible. Maybe my mind finally went out to lunch or something. Maybe this was autopilot.

I don't know. But what I did know is that if we didn't figure something out in about the next five minutes, I wouldn't be calling Washu to tell her what world I was in.

Calling?

"DON'T YOU HAVE A COMMUNICATOR?!" I shouted across the gap. Grumps rewarded my boldness with a blast in my direction before slicing at a tree Mars had been trying to keep between them.

"IT'S IN MY ROOM!" She shouted back.

"YOU DON'T KEEP IT ON YOU?!" I asked, working to load Mossy up.

"IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING!" Mars snapped with just a bit of temper.

I pumped a round into the chamber and sighted up, aiming for a spot behind Grumps, and fired. Distracting him enough for the girl to retreat to another tree.

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO CORRECT THAT IN THE FUTURE!" I responded, ducking as my opponent turned to fire another punishing blast at the tree I was using for cover. "BAD GUYS DON'T KEEP USAGI'S HOURS!"

"SO I'VE DISCOVERED!" Mars barked back with an edge of sarcasm.

Ah well, maybe it was better that way. Knowing Usagi, by the time the girl showed up, we'd be kibble. I guess that meant the problem solving rested with the two of us. Or did it?

Ducking out of sight behind one of the larger trees, I pulled Washu's beacon out and fumbled for the earpiece. Perhaps the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe had a field manual on how to get my bacon out of the fire.

"beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep" 

"beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep"

The tone cycled once, cycled twice, three times. By the fourth time I was nearly screaming at someone to pick up the goddamned phone. Or whatever amounted to a phone. I swear, if it clicks over to Washu's convoluted version of an answering machine, or to a West Indian technical support line, I'm throwing another grenade.

'Click.'

"Moshi-moshi…" a female voice chirped.

Oh thank god! Saved by the- Waitaminute… That's not Washu.

"Who's this?" I demanded sharply.

"Wow, you're rather rude," the female on the other end commented snidely.

"I'm blunt when I'm stressed," I shot back, snapping a glance around my cover. "Who are you, and where's Washu?" 

"This is Princess Ayeka Masaki Jurai," the voice responded in a slightly regal tone. I suppressed a choice swear word. "Who is THIS?"

"Washu's latest pet project," I commented dryly, as I turned to fire another round, ducking back just in time to avoid getting struck.

"Oh, it's the pervert man," Ayeka's voice dripped with cyanide tainted honey. "Washu told me all about your latest exploits… I was just beginning to think you weren't so bad."

"NOT MY FAULT!" I snapped in anger. "You try getting teleported at random against your will some time!"

"I was only kidding…" The Princess' voice returned a little shocked.

"And I'm only trying not to get killed in horrible ways," I responded, letting just a bit more urgency into my tone. "So far I'm failing… Where's Washu?"

"She's in the bath," Ayeka responded. "She told me to watch the monitor here in case you called."

"DAMMIT!" I swore, turning to check on a yelp from Mars. It might as well have been West Indian technical support for all the good it would do me. Ayeka was immensely powerful, but when it came to super science and strategy planning, I might as well be talking to Mihoshi. Mars had tripped and Grumps was trying to get around the tree as she scrambled on all fours.

"Hold on a second," I commented, and then jumped out of my cover.

"Hey hey hey hey hey!" I snarled at Grumps. "Hey hey hey hey hey!"

I emphasized my point by firing another shot at his feet. The creature flinched as the dust from the impact pelted it with a sting. Then its attention turned from the prone Sailor Senshi, to my sorry carcass.

"Delicious and nutritious!" I began in English. "Tastes just like chicken!"

"JIIJI!" Grumps responded with a snarl, coming after me with a blast of dark energy. I darted back behind a tree, waited for the blast to clear and then darted for another.

"MOVE IT OR LOSE IT MARS!" I shouted at the Senshi, still sprawled on the ground.

"What's going on?" I heard Ayeka's voice in the earpiece.

"Glad you ask!" I commented, ducking behind another tree. "Ever heard of Sailor Moon?"

"Oh," Ayeka seemed surprised. "Sasami watches that."

"She does?" I asked, then shook my head. "Never mind; I'm currently IN IT, and I'm having an absolutely WONDERFUL time trying not to get shishkabobbed by the Monster of the Week..."

"Jiiji…" I heard the growl from the other side of the tree.

"Oh dear," the princess mulled. "Washu told me you were more or less helpless..."

I ducked one way, and darted another as Grumps took a swipe. Dammit!

"Well," I began with a near yelp. "I at least picked up a weapon…"

"Anything I can do to help?" Ayeka continued.

"Know how to beat the monsters?" I asked, holding a momentary stalemate with the demonic killing machine not four feet away.

"You could simply drop something large on-"

"Without killing the guy inside," I added that stipulation.

"…" I didn't think she had an answer.

"SASAMI!" I heard Ayeka call urgently.

Grumps used his elongated claws to take several stabs at me, forcing me to back up just a bit and avoid another blast of dark energy he tried to put around the tree. 

"MARS!" I yelled at the Senshi a dozen meters away. "FLANK HIM AND ATTACK!"

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" she yelled back. At this point, I was entirely tempted to yell an affirmative to that one. It was possible that I really had gone insane. At least temporarily… But…

"IT'S CALLED COVERING FIRE!" I shot back. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT, JUST DISTRACT!"

I turned and made a quick sprint to another nearby tree, Grumps taking only a moment to realize I'd abandoned my cover before coming after me with what almost seemed to be glee.

Right in the middle of this, I heard it, and felt it. Mars' attack, up close. It sounded like the hiss of superheated steam escaping from a cracked pipe under high pressure. My destination glowed dimly in front of me and I was aware of just how hot the back of my head and neck suddenly felt before the thump of an impact reached my ears. Holy SHIT that was a close shot! But I wasn't about to complain about nearly getting fricasseed at this point. 

As I twirled behind my next tree, I looked at the dimming glow scorched across the ground behind me, cutting a line between a startled Grumps, and my position. Grumps glared at the open Mars, who turned to look at me.

"NOW WHAT?!" she asked.

"KEEP MOVING!" I yelled as Grumps tore after her. I'm so glad that these Monsters of the Week have such a one-track mind in a fight.

"Ne! Ne! Is it true you're really playing around in Sailor Moon?"

I almost stopped thinking at the sound of Sasami's voice crackling into my ear. In front of me, Rei bounded back and jumped up into a tree, adding a whole new dimension to our little 'battle' with her demonized grandfather.

"Playing around isn't really what I would call this," I managed to ground my thoughts again. "I need Washu NOW!"

"Ayeka's gone to get her," Sasami responded. "She told me to keep track of you in the mean time. Who are you fighting?"

"Oni-grampa," I peaked around, thumbing another round into the tube. "Zoicite got Rei's grampa and turned him into a monster."

"Oh!" Sasami chirped excitedly. I wish I felt as optimistic as she sounded. "That's episode thirty! Grampa Goes Crazy!"

Wonderful to know someone has encyclopedic knowledge on the series… Really... It helps so much.

"So you can't fight back, or he'll get hurt," she continued.

I wanted to be sarcastic right then. I really did. But this was Sasami.

"That's the problem," I interjected. "I've got a shotgun, a demon possessed grampa, and no Sailor Moon conveniently showing up to help. It's just me, Mars, and some trees between us and a whole lot of rip and tear."

Aiming around my tree, I fired at the monster as it started to climb the tree, blasting the bark below it. I ducked away as it looked my direction and dropped to the ground again.

"Where's Yuichiro?" Sasami asked.

Yuichiro?

"Who?" I asked. 

"Yuichiro," she continued. "The guy who shows up at the shrine in episode thirty and gets attached to Rei."

I really did stop this time. Yuichiro, the guy whose name I could only remember as Y, CH, something or other. The bum with a heart of gold... I hadn't seen anything of him anywhere. THAT's what was nagging me this whole time. THAT'S what was missing from this fight.

"I haven't seen him," I continued, hearing Grumps come stalking up towards my tree again. As soon as I opened my mouth, I heard the creature growl.

"That's bad," Sasami responded. "He's the entire reason Usagi shows up when she does."

FUCK! The guy was a living plot device. I knew fifty percent of Sailor Moon's exploits depended on a random act of coincidence combined with a formulaic use of some kind of plot device. But never before did I really appreciate how badly it permeated the storyline. I could really go for Tuxedo Kamen to mysteriously show up to hurl an armor piercing rose right about now. Or maybe hear that absurdly corny speech and stupid poses from Sailor Moon.

"AKU YO, TAISAN!"

I looked as Grumps turned around at the sound. And watched Mars slap an Ofuda right to his face. He immediately froze and grunted in pain.

"Is that what I think it was?" Sasami's voice interrupted.

"Yeah, anti-demon ofuda," I commented. "That slowed him down a bit…"

"Now what?" Mars jogged up next to me, huffing. "That's not going to hold long…"

I couldn't think of any acceptable answers.

"Sasami," I began. "Know of any alternative methods to heal him?"

No answer…

"Who's Sasami?" Mars asked, looking around. In the dark, she couldn't see the little earpiece I had.

"The Ofuda stuns the demon right?" Sasami asked at length.

"Yeah," I answered. "But it's not powerful."

"Try using a bunch!" the child chirped excitedly.

Well… didn't I feel stupid. It was so obvious I could have turned the Mossberg on myself for not realizing it sooner. 'If you can't solve a problem with brute force, you're not using enough.' One little scroll might stun Grumps, but maybe a few dozen of them could match the demon purging power of a single Sailor Moon, Moon Healing Escalation! Yes, YES!

"Good idea kiddo!" I snapped, then turned to the Senshi next to me. "Mars, hit him with every exorcism scroll you have! Right now!"

Once I suggested it, she seemed to catch on to what I implied. Sailor Mars turned around, snapping out another of those little white paper strips, and began to chant, charging it with her psychic energies before tagging the immobilized Grumps, who grunted in pain.

"Again!" I snapped. The process was repeated, and Grumps howled in agony.

"I think it's working!" Mars looked hopeful. 

I really hope it was working, otherwise we were just pissing it off. The last thing I wanted was having that thing angrier than ever trying to kill us. Not that this was any worse than how it was going to kill us before, but whatever.

"Hit him again," I instructed. And then Mars did something I really didn't want to see, but should have expected. She looked at me as if at a loss. I think I took a stab in the dark but…

"You only had three," I asked, nonplussed.

"Those aren't easy to make," she shrugged. "I have to draw each one by hand, and the symbols have to be flawless for it to work."

I really wanted to strangle Sailor Mars right about now. Really… After all this, a combat load of three admittedly effective exorcism ofuda was all the girl carried around. If she spammed those babies like machinegun fire, most of the fights would be over in thirty seconds… But NOOOooo…

"If we get out of this alive," I began, taking calming breaths to keep from snapping like I did earlier. "You are going to drag your ass-"

"Watch your language," Sasami snapped in my ear.

"-down to Ami's place, ask her for every book on military tactics and strategy she can find, and you are going to study those books until you can recite them backwards and forwards… IN ENGLISH."

Sailor Mars blanched at my rather scathing remark. While she did so, I turned to look at Grumps, who had started to glow slightly from the last Ofuda. It was fading now, meaning the charges were weakening. But it raised my confidence a little. As I often told myself, a problem with an answer simply becomes a matter of getting it done. If you know what to do, do it. Everything else is procrastinating. Something I'm quite guilty of at times.

The only problem now was that while I had a solution, I had no means of executing it. Sailor Mars was the only exorcism capable psychic on hand and our next nearest hope was probably snoring miles away.

"If anyone has any creative ideas for exorcism," I began, talking to both Sasami and Sailor Mars. "I'm open to ideas."

Mars looked at me, drawing a blank. There was silence over the earpiece.

"Jii…" Grumps growled, the glow almost faded.

I began to back up, Mars following suit.

"Revised strategy," I stated. "Mars, get to your room, find your communicator, and wake that lazy girl up."

Mars hesitated as she turned, half beginning to walk back towards the shrine, half wanting to keep an eye on her grandfather.

"I SAID MOVE IT!" I snapped. One of the Ofuda suddenly burst into flames, causing me to emphasize the point. "GO! GO! GO!"

The Sailor Senshi bolted at my command as the second Ofuda burst into flames. Only one more and I'd have my hands full of Rip and Tear.

Backing up, I started looking around the shrine for defensive options as I topped off the tube on my Mossberg. I lost count of how many rounds I'd fired. If this fight would have just stopped with Zoicite…

There was a sudden click and the sound of shuffling in my ear, then an all too welcome voice snapped quite clearly.

"I'm here! How are you doing?"

"Still alive," I commented dryly. "Not for the lack of people trying otherwise."

"What Ayeka and Sasami are telling me is that you're having a fight with a demon possessed old man," Washu continued. "What else?"

"Look up Sailor Moon, episode thirty," I responded, turning away from Grumps as the third Ofuda caught fire. "The whole sequence of events is completely shot to shit. I've got no Yuichiro, no Sailor Moon, a dead dark general, and I'm fresh out of non-lethal options to subdue grampa-oni."

"Checking…" Washu indicated on her end. "It’s possible from what you're telling me that you've initiated a temporal mass displacement."

I reached one very large tree and took position behind it, pumping my shotgun.

"Explain," I ordered.

"Temporal mass is not fixed," Washu lectured. "Your ability to affect a timeline can vary quite fluidly. Especially when traveling between dimensional environments. For someone with your knowledge of these worlds as fiction, your temporal mass is immense."

"The universe revolves around me," I simplified.

"To an extent," Washu supplied. "Temporal mass involves a large number of observable variables as well as decisions on your part. But it relies most heavily on your ability to influence events."

"Clarify please," I watched as the last Ofuda burned up and Grumps shook the effects off.

"The more powerful you are, the greater your ability to change events," Washu provided. "If you have superpowers, and jump to a world without them, your temporal mass skyrockets.

"I don't HAVE any superpowers though," I commented. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"I taught Dimensional Mechanics for two-hundred years," Washu commented idly. "The most basic principle of Dimensional Mechanics is the Medium Transfer Principle. No matter where you go, there you are."

"What?" I asked. This time, she lost me.

"Nothing in reality can exist without a supporting Medium," the scientist explained. "Sound cannot exist without air. Water cannot exist in liquid form without the correct temperature range. Mass cannot exist where there is no space. When matter from one dimension is transferred to another, it carries a localized pocket of its own reality with it in the form of its mass, natural properties, and unified field effects. It ties in with your astral pattern, which is unique to a being from any given universe. If this did not happen, the matter that made up your body would instantly cease to exist because it would be incompatible with the local physics, and you'd disappear in a burst of radiation."

"Spontaneous Total Existence Failure," I shuddered as Grumps stalked his way towards me.

"Right!" Washu chirped approvingly. "An object from one universe must retain the properties it had in that universe if it is to continue to exist anywhere else."

I could almost hear the record player somewhere screech to a halt.

"Come again…" I stated.

"An object from one universe must retain the properties it had in that universe if-"

"ALL its properties?" I interrupted.

"Every last physical attribute," Washu confirmed. "From the most fundamental physics, to the most outlandish of unique magics."

"No matter where you go," I began again. "There you are."

"You'd make a good student…" Washu praised me.

I might be going out on a limb here, but the odd idea struck me as I fished in my pocket. I've got no magic, no mystic powers, no psychic skills. Aside from some military training and some knowledge of my environment, I was about as bland as you can get.

But Motoko…

Pulling her ceremonial dagger out, I thought about it. Motoko, heir to the Shin Mei Riyu... An entire line of demon slayers and exorcists… Swordswomen who could project a solidified air burst of their own inherent ki up to distances of a hundred feet, if not greater. They could drop kick an evil spirit at a distance without so much as hurting the host. Their equipment had to be all kinds of mystically charged just from being in their possession. How much do you want to bet this little dagger is white hot like molten steel to an evil demon?

"Jiiji…" Grumps growled as we began to circle the tree.

"Washu," I began, an idea forming in my head. "I could kiss you."

Without waiting for her reply, I whipped around the tree and gave Grumps a target, earning a slash. Ducking back just enough to avoid the claws, I watched the creature slice right into the tree. 

And I pounced.

I slammed the pommel of the little dagger into the back of the creature's hand, and was quite startled but pleased at the loud hiss it made right before I saw those obnoxious googly eyes widen in surprise.

Grumps leapt back with an agonized howl as it looked at me in shock. Whatever passed for intelligence with that demon had just raised the bar of respect on me a few notches as it backed away warily.

Brandishing the little knife in front of me, still sheathed, I carefully crept back mutually to keep the monster at arm's length. My idea was gaining momentum.

If the handle of the dagger alone burned more than three of Mars' fully charged pieces of scrap paper, what would happen if she fired that kind of psychic charge through the blade?

"She's on her way!" the Senshi announced, bounding out the front entrance. "Sailor Moon should be here in just a few minutes! We just have to-"

"JIIJI!" Grumps tore after a new, more 'vulnerable' target.

Mars froze at the sight. Shit! It was wary of me, but now she was easy prey to it.

"MARS!" I snapped as loud as I could. "CATCH!"

I pitched that little dagger with everything I think I might have had left. Barring my less than stellar aim with thrown objects, it flew straight enough that the Senshi managed to shake her surprise off and jump to the side to grab it.

Grumps slid to a halt in surprise, seeing the thing in her hands.

"What is?" Mars began. "A knife?"

"USE IT!" I snapped.

"WHAT?!"

"DO AS I SAY!" I instructed as forcefully as I could. "PULL IT OUT!"

Mars did so, and to our surprise, the thing was glowing with an eerie little blue-green hue.

"RAISE IT IN THE AIR!" I instructed, trying to remember the motion off the top of my head. If this worked…

"CHARGE THE KNIFE LIKE AN OFUDA!"

I heard her chanting as Grumps quickly backpedaled. A round of buckshot quickly slammed into the dirt behind him, causing him to stumble. No escape here…

Mars finished, and the blade burst into a blood red flame.

"NOW WHAT?!" she asked.

"SWING!" I yelled. "AS HARD AS YOU CAN! AND EXORCISE THAT DEMON!"

"Aku yo… TAISAN!"

Oh, my GOD. I'm not sure if I miscalculated, or if it was what I was expecting, but DAMN! The wall of ghostly fire that came off her swing made anything Motoko had ever launched look like party tricks. I suppose in retrospect it was that Sailor Mars magical power giving it the hefty boost, but the blast wave of the attack was powerful enough to dig a line from her across to her target. And even though I wasn't in the line of fire, the side concussion knocked me on my ass.

When the blast hit Grumps, it ripped the demonic form right off like a cheap rubber mask, leaving the demon to howl in rage before it incinerated in the air above like tissue paper in a firestorm. Grampa's body, now in its short, original form, fell flat on the ground unconscious.

For a few seconds, it was quiet.

"By the power of Grayskull," I muttered at length, pushing myself to my feet, wobbly making my way over to the old man. Sailor Mars continued to just stand there in shock. Surprised at the blast that she had fired from that tiny little dagger.

Kneeling down, almost falling to my knees, I put my hand on his neck, then looked up.

"Good job Rei," I nodded with a smile. "Good job."

"Is he?" she asked. I simply nodded with a smile.

Oh, here come the water works. Letting her transformation collapse back to her pajamas, the Senshi rushed forward and lifted her unconscious grandfather up in a hug… Me? I've never been the water works kind. Call it a little bit of a brick wall between the rest of the world and myself… I was just happy it was over. Man… That was brutal.

"Mission report," I commented idly at Washu. "Enemy threat is neutralized, and I think I'm going to take a break…"

"I'm going to give you an A Plus on applied dimensional physics," Washu replied in a satisfied tone. "As well as an A Plus in Exorcism, and Resource Management."

"Whatever," I replied, my shoulders and legs already getting heavy as I moved over to the steps of the shrine building. "I'm spent…"

"How much rest have you been getting?" she asked.

"Not enough," I commented, leaning over and picking up the knife.

"And thus did Bilbo name his dagger," Washu continued. "STING."

Get out of my head…

"Ouch!" I yelped, accidentally poking myself on Motoko's dagger.


	12. Aftershocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Combat is extremely stressful. Like many stressful situations, it has long lasting psychological and emotional effects on those involved. For those directly involved, it has a powerful bonding effect between them. For groups it creates camaraderie, a sense of team so strong you can almost say it's family. For pairs, especially male/female pairing, it may create a bond that could be mistaken for love.
> 
> In situations where the stressful situation is between enemies, especially when one is clearly dominant, it can create an effect known as Stockholm Syndrome. It is entirely possible for two people who might not even get along otherwise, to grow to care and trust each other after experiencing these circumstances. This is a strong proponent of abusive relationships, and should always be taken very seriously.
> 
> So when presented with this situation, how does it affect your character? What about the other characters in that situation? What kind of relationship will form between them from such a shared experience?
> 
> Think hard on that one, and read onward.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Aftershocks**

_"The white zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only."_

* * *

 

I'll be blunt…

["OW! Don't touch that."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjiT2HgjrmI)

I was lucky.

"Oh quit whining, you big baby."

To recap the last hour, I woke up in Hino Rei's (Sailor Mars) room, almost escaped undetected, got chased a quarter mile, fought and killed Zoicite, and helped heal grampa. And paid for it.

I'm not in the greatest of shape. While I've had military training, I haven't been on that routine in over five years. And the entire sequence of events was one long blur of adrenaline as I knowingly pushed my body beyond its limits. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I probably tore several tendons and pulled a dozen more. Luckily, Washu's nanomachines were hard at work making my body feel like a summer roast.

In terms of actual battle DAMAGE, I think I did spectacularly well for my level of opponent. Zoicite managed to score only one hit on me, resulting in hitting a tree and landing on my shoulder. Still, the injuries were sensitive. And I was reminded of that as Rei pressed an ice pack to my back to ease the swelling.

Now, one would think that unloading a twelve gauge shotgun and detonating a grenade in the middle of downtown Tokyo, less than three miles from the Imperial Palace, would have the police swarming the area with SWAT teams…

Well, here's what happened.

Usagi… Pardon. SAILOR MOON arrived, Luna in tow, about four minutes after we managed to get gramps back to his old bald self. The girl may be a klutz, but when powered up and leaping rooftops, she can make good time for one lacking any kind of vehicle. When she got there, ready to start zapping bad guys, she almost started spouting her love and justice speech at me… I got a kick out of watching her freak out when I started talking to her by name.

Luna realized first that I was trying not to laugh my ass off over it and tried her best to get answers out of me. I didn't exactly feel like playing Twenty Questions with a self-important feline, no matter how dire her mission might be for this world. You know, having just finished a very stressful fight… So I told her to buzz off, or I'd feed her to my pit-bull (Not that my lazy dog would bother even getting up…).

Luna didn't like that, and showed surprising boldness in trying to threaten me with her teeth and claws the same way she'd threatened Usagi on occasion. Unfortunately, the wannabe cougar was easily plucked off of me by the scruff of her neck. At which point she simply glared angrily at me as I dangled her helplessly in the air. It was kind of funny to watch a cat simulate folding her arms over her chest in an unamused fashion with her front legs as she did. In at least a half-assed attempt at diplomacy, I simply told her that her questions would be answered when I didn't feel like a mop that had been wrung out a dozen times.

Now, I'm not sure if it's just the world I was in, or what. But despite the amount of time since I fired my first shot, the police had yet to show up. In fact, it was several more minutes before law enforcement finally responded to the disturbance. Something about this world must have the local police force response times nerfed badly. It always seemed the Senshi could have near epic superbattles and law enforcement, let alone the military, never seemed to show up. Not even post-battle…

And even then, you'd figure that with whatever amounts in Japan to 'Shots Fired', they'd respond with more than two patrol cars.

Rei had instructed me to go back inside the shrine building and stay quiet in her room. Something I complied with quite nicely, knowing I didn't really feel like getting dragged away by Tokyo's boys in blue.

For thirty minutes, I tried to make out what was being said outside. Unfortunately, the paper-thin walls are only on the inside of the building, not the external walls. When things quieted down, and Rei returned to her room with Usagi (now in plainclothes) in tow, she informed me that she'd gotten her grandfather into bed with the help of the police, and given them a story on the attack.

Well, from the basic idea of the story, she'd explained that they were attacked by a crazy person matching Ex-General Zoicite's physical description. Clever move… And that this person seemed to be acting on the rumors that had been circulated about the shrine from a few months back when the buses had been vanishing. In short, she'd thrown them a conspiracy nut fabrication.

Apparently, the 'attacker' ran for it after he thought he'd killed grampa. Who was only 'injured' by debris from one of his attacks.

The police bought it, so it seemed. They scouted the grounds with flashlights, picked up a number of the shotgun shells that had been left scattered around the scene, catalogued the damage caused from the shooting and grenade blast, helped Rei get her grandfather to bed, and left. Apparently they took her word on it that he didn't need to get carted off to the Emergency Room, or checked he was okay, or… something.

Flipping on her bedroom light, the Senshi got her first real clear look at me.

I assure you that compared to the fight with Motoko, it looked worse than it was. I was covered in scratches from scrambling up the hill, Keitaro's pants were torn in several places, that slipper was still missing, I had several bruises on my arms where I'd tumbled from both Zoicite's attack and tackling Mars down the stairs, and I had a bit of a stubble. Yeah, I haven't had a shave in over a day. At least I didn't STINK this time.

So the result of that was that Rei instantly insisted on getting me cleaned up. I tried to explain that I would be fine with a little water, and that I looked worse than I was, but that stubborn girl simply WOULD NOT take no for an answer. Usagi only made things worse by somehow managing to tap me on the shoulder for a question, and found exactly where it hurt. Rei simply used that as fuel for an 'I told you so' look.

Fine… I'm too tired to argue anyw- NO! I mustn't fall asleep!

Thus, I found myself, shirt off, being doted on inexplicably by a girl who, barely an hour ago, was prepared to kick my ass up and down Tokyo.

While she was busy acting like an overbearing nurse (the type that made you wonder if intimidation was part of the curriculum), I had to keep half an eye on Usagi. My gear was now on the floor. And every time I took my eyes off it, she began to make a beeline for the Mossberg. Just think about what kind of problem that would be in the hands of someone as clueless as Usagi. 

Luna however, seemed to have some sense and parked herself nicely between the blonde, and the pouch containing one remaining M-67 frag grenade, and one M18A1 claymore mine. Usagi wasn't as technologically inept as Minako was. (Usagi being a video game junkie and mangaphile…) But I'm certain that Usagi, plus explosives, equals EVERYBODY DIES…

"That's not a toy," I had to finally say about the fifth time she'd started to creep towards the shotgun.

"Oh I know," she chirped innocently. "I just wanted to get a better look at-"

"Perhaps I didn't make it clear the first time," I stated in a baritone. "That. Is not. A Toy."

I had no patience left, tired, sore, and jittery as I was at this point. I know I was running on half a cylinder at best, but I also knew that if I so much as closed my eyes, I'd be off in la-la land, and end up who-knows-where.

"Just leave it alone," Rei commented matter-of-factly from behind me. It idly struck me that she didn't so much as use her usual exasperated tone. "That… thing is very powerful."

"It's just a shotgun," I suddenly responded, downplaying the weapon. "It's nasty, but I wouldn't call it very powerful."

"But you…" she began, then stopped. Apparently she didn't want to finish that one.

"What happened?" Luna spoke up for the first time since entering the room. I can't believe I'm in the same room with a talking cat. That's just cool- man what's wrong with me? I can't stay focused anymore.

Usagi looked between the three of us as the silence grew tense.

"What happened?" she asked in an innocently curious tone.

"He," Rei tried to choke out. "Zoicite…"

"Tell me!" The blond was bubbling with excitement. Luna's eyes suddenly widened as she connected the dots.

"I killed him," I stated blankly. "I killed Zoicite."

Usagi's expression crossed between confused, and surprised.

"YOU?" Luna asked incredulously. "That's absolutely INCREDIBLE!"

Incredible? For the first time, the whole thing clicked right into place.

"Hardly," I returned. "The guy's attacks were predictable. I figured out what he was doing, and met him half way. The hardest part was the teleport until I realized I could hear it. And the rest was simply that despite all the flash, he just wasn't immune to bits of metal ripping through him at high speed."

The clarity of it... I remembered my train of thought exactly. Keep him off center, listen, locate, fire, pump, fire… The general had withstood his shoulder taking a hit, and managed to survive point blank with a hand grenade. The only way to make sure that piece of filth would never hurt anyone ever again was too…

STOP. Listen to yourself. That was the BAD guy. Zoicite was the villain of a thousand backstabs. A monster in human form... Pull yourself together before you end up in an institution and think for a few seconds. You're probably suffering from post-mortem shock… Zoicite was a monster. Monsters need killing. End of Story.

"I blew his head off," I glared venomously at the wall. "The last thing that went through that monster's mind was a shotgun blast."

"Are you okay?" Usagi asked. "Your voice got scary…" And just like that, everything was heavy again. I sighed.

"Just don't touch the gun," I tiredly indicated the Mossberg. "It can kill a Dark General, imagine what it could do to you."

Usagi backed away from the weapon like it was radioactive.

"There's no way it could be that easy," Luna picked up at last. "Zoicite is a cunning foe, and to be defeated by a mere human should be impossible, no offense."

"Easy?" I asked, feeling slightly offended all of a sudden. "Look at me- OW!"

Q-tip with peroxide just found a cut…

"Do I look like I had it easy?" I continued. "If I have to fight another one of those psychotic bastards, it'll be from five miles away with a Hellfire missile. I've never fought like that in my life, and I hope I'll never have to again."

Luna stared at me long and hard, then suddenly said something unexpected.

"You're tired," the feline indicated. "You're having moods swings just like Lazy Bones over here…"

"I don't have mood swings," Usagi quipped.

"I've been awake for over twenty five hours," I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my head. Man, I was getting a headache. "I think, every time I try to sleep, I end up jumping to different worlds. This has been the fourth time I've done this, and if it keeps up much longer, I'm going to land in a situation I can't talk or fight my way out of." 

This time, all three stared at me quietly.

"Is that what you meant right before…" Rei began.

"I tried to take a nap," I commanded with a nod. "The next thing I know, I'm in your bed."

Again, they stared.

"That's really weird," Usagi said at length.

"So as soon as you go to sleep, you end up some place you shouldn't be, and someone wakes you up," Luna tilted her head in that way only a cat can do.

"Violently," I added, then cringed as a fresh Q-tip found another cut. "The really strange part is that I know the worlds I wake up in…"

"Know?" Usagi asked.

"Back home," I waved vaguely to the side. "Each world is nothing more than fiction. Even you guys are little more than an anime."

"I have my own show!?" I swear Usagi about lit up like a Christmas tree. Inwardly, I realized I should have avoided telling them about the fictional part.

"So that's how you know so much," Rei blinked in understanding. "You know everything…"

I laughed. Well, I made a kind of short snort that was more or less a laugh.

Usagi nearly tackled me, causing Rei to jump back trying not to swear.

"You've got to get a tape for me! Please! Pretty please!"

"Get off him you idiot!" Rei snapped. "He's in no condition for this! What if you klutz out on him?"

"Oh you're just jealous because you don't have your own show," Usagi shot back with a grin.

"I am NOT jealous about having my own show in some other universe!" Rei countered.

As the argument that erupted started to degenerate, I shook my head to clear the light-headedness I was feeling, and managed to disentangle from Usagi as she focused on her friend. As I recovered the Mo Dakka Fo Life shirt and threw it on, I started pointing at each girl in turn as she mouthed at the other, catching Luna's eye.

The bickering bobbed back and forth, barely functional arguments quickly getting ditched for petty insults. For which Rei was more verbally armed… At which point, I pointed at Usagi and mocked sticking out my tongue as Luna watched. Usagi did the same thing a moment later. Then I switched to Rei, who reciprocated. Then I stopped and pointed at Luna. 

"Okay that's enough you two," the feline snapped, trying to hide a smirk at my antics. Part of my brain idly mulled over the human faces the cat was making.

Focus.

"Hey, I'm not done yet," Rei stated as I started strapping the tactical webbing back on. I still haven't counted what I had left.

"I'll be fine," I commented. I had to get on my feet. As much as moving was starting to hurt a little. If I didn't stay in motion, I'd fall asleep where I stood. I had to keep busy, keep moving. I couldn't risk jumping to wherever in this kind of shape…

Still, a twelve-hour nap would be nice.

"You're barely standing," Rei pointed out.

"I'm trying not to fall asleep," I responded, letting the implications of that statement sink in.

"YOU just want to get his shirt off again, don't you?" Usagi teased. I swear... she had no sense of crisis (I think Luna even said that to her once…). I ignored the conversation as Rei paused to look at her friend. It was enough to give Usagi more fuel for the tease turbine as she throttled it up to N1.

"Why would I want to do that?" Rei huffed at her friend while I bent over to retrieve my explosives.

"Something I'd like to know too," Luna muttered at herself while I happened to be right next to her. I slowly turned my head to the cat, then yanked the little pack of extreme destruction up and away.

"You like him, don't you?" the blond continued in an ever more playful voice. "He was all heroic and brave, wasn't he?"

"Y-you didn't see how he fought!" Rei snapped back, turning a shade red before turning pale. "He-"

"Was your knight in shining armor, wasn't he?" Usagi half teased, half wistfully sighed. I decided not to touch this one with a thirty-nine and a half-foot pole and, instead, started counting rounds.

While Usagi did her best to corner her best friend, Luna watched me curiously as I picked up the Mossberg, put it on safe, and started placing rounds on the stock rail. Stopping just a moment to remind myself to turn so I wasn't covering them with the barrel, I did a quick count of what was left on the webbing, and finished by thumbing a few rounds into the chamber.

Between what was already in the weapon, and what I had on me, I had thirty rounds left. I had used almost half my combat load on that one fight.

"I happen to have a boyfriend!" I heard Rei continue as my ever-diminishing attention span picked up what she was saying.

"Oh but I saw how you were looking at him," Usagi teased. The girl was ruthless.

"He helped me save my GRAMPA!" Rei was getting a little flushed. "Not that someone like you who was late would-"

'CLICK-CLICK!'

The argument died in the air before Rei could finish her scathing remark as they all looked at me in surprise.

"What?" I asked, and placed one last round in the tube, then realized how it must have looked. "Oh, don't mind me… One in the chamber, five in the tube, five on the rail, I've pain on sale…"

Did I really just say that?

"You could learn a thing or two from him," Luna piped up. "He's already preparing for the next fight. Something you should be doing."

"Oh, you're no fun Luna," Usagi moaned. Yeah, serious cat is serious.

"I may not be any fun," the feline continued. "But then again, when was the last time you took out an enemy commander?"

Usagi mulled on it, looking slightly guilty.

"I didn't think so," Luna continued, secure in her argument. "I expect you to take after his example if you hope to defeat the Dark Kingdom and find the Moon Princess."

I snorted ever so slightly as my brain fired the right neuron to realize the irony in Luna's statement. Of course, they didn't know USAGI was the princess yet. Oh, I could almost imagine the jaw-drops already if I told them. But I won't…

"What are you smiling about?" Rei asked.

"Hmm?" I began. "Oh, nothing, just how right Luna is."

At my seeming praise, the cat seemed to hold herself in a more regal posture.

"Hey!" Usagi asked. "He knows us right?"

Oh great, now was a wonderful time for princess bunny of the moon to actually show us that she was pretty smart when she needed to be.

"Why don't we just ask him who the princess is?"

I quickly thought up an excuse as Luna gaped at the girl in surprise.

"That's actually a good idea," she gaped. "See? He's already having a good influence on you."

Luna turned to me and stared at me for a moment, then asked.

"So, what do you know?"

"Couldn't tell you," I lied. "They haven't finished the series yet."

The cat's formal posture evaporated.

"So much for that idea…"

Usagi's stomach growled, which got us all looking at her as one.

"Eh…" she shrunk away with an unsteady laugh. "I guess I'm hungry."

To tell the truth, so was I. I know I only ate what for me was something like two hours ago. But anyone who's ever had a workout knows you get a little bit hungry. Plus there WAS Washu's standing order to consider. And the way my legs were wobbly and I could feel the shakes coming on; my blood sugar was probably going through the floor.

"I could slap us a breakfast together if you've got eggs," I offered. An excuse to keep moving, an excuse for food, plus a defacto payment for my meal, all at once…

Rei looked at her clock for a moment. Quarter to six.

"I guess we can do that," she shrugged. "You can cook?"

Can I cook? CAN I COOK? Okay, I'm no iron chef, but any idiot can cook eggs. Plus, I'm not an anime character working on their physical laws. I do not suffer from the Epic Win and Epic Fail division of cooking skills. If you want to get into the list of things I can and cannot cook in life, the only thing I have failed at so far has been making eggroll wraps from scratch. How the hell do they get those things so thin?

Anyway, the shrine building actually had a kitchen, believe it or not. You know... you expect these temples to be some kind of bass-ackwards place, but people had to live in them. So they had to have SOME form of food preparation area. Rei wasn't a Tibetan Monk; she didn't subsist on incense.

So after a few minutes of familiarizing myself with the place, finding one of those half-sized mini fridges on the counter (with a very quiet compressor), and getting set up, I set about making scrambled eggs. Easy, easy, EASY meal… It required next to no thinking, and the portioning was a cinch. Three for me, because I'm the biggest, three for Usagi, because she eats like a horse, two for Rei, because she doesn't, and one for Luna because it would be mean not to feed the cat. Nine in total... I'd have to figure out a way to restock nearly a dozen eggs for her.

And I made the eggs very quickly. I had to. It was all I could do to stay awake now. Every time I slowed down, I could feel my body turn into a lead weight. Had to stay awake.

Usagi wanted toast, so Rei fixed her toast. I was tempted to have some myself, but remembered all the times I fixed eggs that I was a toast fiend. And that starch would pretty much finish me off in terms of making me tired. 

While Rei did a quick check on her Grandfather sleeping in the other room, Usagi decided she was going to try and help. I ran her over, more or less.

"Get out-the way," I had stated in English.

Rei returned and finished bumping the road kill bunny out of the kitchen again before adding just a bit more to the meal in the form of some reheated leftover rice. Oh god, more starch. Still, she knew her way around her own kitchen better than I did. And managed to avoid my rather territorial kitchen habits as my workspace (and mess) slowly expanded.

By the time we were done, it was probably just rolling on six.

"Not bad," she smirked as I set out four plates of food.

"I can do better," I shrugged, but smiled at the compliment. There's a bit of showoff in me still, though at this point, it was buried under a layer of suppressed cynicism, and pragmatic sarcasm. 

Usagi wasted no time in tearing into the meal. Rei had started to make a snide comment on how Usagi would just casually eat other people's food with little care, but stopped mid sentence to look off to the side. 

I don't know what it was, but I figured it had to be something in the 'relevant to the plot' category. It also seemed to grab at Luna's attention.

Usagi actually noticed only after we'd all froze in silence for several seconds…

"What?" she asked.

Implications caught up with me, and I was out of my spot with a spin, pulling the Mossberg off my shoulder where I had looped the strap as I quickly made my way towards the front, where Rei had been looking. Rei was on my tail a moment later, followed up by Usagi within seconds. 

I held my hand up as we approached the main entrance, indicating for them to hold back. I could see Rei already fishing her little transformation pen out as I slowed down and stalked up to the entrance, thumbing the safety on the Mossberg.

The glow in the eastern sky above the trees gave a little more light to the otherwise dark temple grounds, but as I leaned slowly around the corner, I saw it. The gray and white cape, and the silver hair...

[Kunzite… ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HhnHXgW_cU)My blood ran cold. He WOULD use a shield.

I ducked back and looked at the two senshi for a moment, held a finger to my mouth, pointed at my eyes, and held up one finger. Then I slowly crept towards the door, mossy coming up to eye level as I did so, and braced myself up against the door.

Kunzite was standing where Zoicite had fallen, and as I watched down my sights, the general reached down and picked up a few of the remaining cherry blossoms that had been left. Then he slowly surveyed the area. You could see the battle damage a little now. Splintered bits of tree trunk, pockmarks in the brick walkways. It was obvious a serious fight had occurred. 

The difference between the two was that where Zoicite had been a low down sneaky sadistic bastard, Kunzite was a ruthless powerhouse. And the only reason I didn't try to send him right along to meet up with Zoicite in the afterlife was because I knew, that it was too risky after the battle I fought to try and push my luck with another major firefight if I screwed up here. So I just kept my weapon trained, just in case. 

Vaguely I was aware of the other two just out of sight behind me, staring. 

Kunzite stared at the blossoms in his hand, turning it over slowly to let it dump into an almost non-existent wind, spreading them out as they scattered. Then he gazed around again, and walked over to where I had unloaded as many rounds on Zoicite as I could to try and take him down, watched the silver-haired general lean down, and pick up something dark, yet shiny. When he stood up again, he seemed to squeeze the object tightly before glancing around again, his gaze only just missing me in the dark of the entrance. And then with a quiet pop, he was gone.

It took about ten seconds before I began to relax again, but I finally lowered the Mossberg and put it on safe.

"Well?" I almost jumped as Luna spoke.

"Kunzite," I nodded. "And he, is, pissed."

"How could you tell?" Usagi asked.

"How can you tell when your mother is about to kill you for horrible test grades?" I asked.

"Er…" Usagi gulped, but nodded.

"If you encounter him in battle," I cautioned. "Don't even make a PEEP about Zoicite. Because if he flips out… Ah man. You run the other way and don't look back."

My tactical advice given, I tried my best to take my mind off the possibility of fighting that powerhouse, quickly returning to breakfast. The food had the instant affect of cheering Usagi right back up from the grim atmosphere I had seemingly produced.

Now, for the most part, I hadn't really put much thought past the girl beyond her basic personality traits. But now that I had time to examine her, I realized quite obviously, that with her… It was the simple things in life. Her friends, food, video games… It made her seem very simple-minded, but it also made her less inclined to get into the complex problems of other people. That seeming obliviousness made her real good at making friends. A simple, romantically inclined worldview.

Yep, she was a princess.

Once we finished eating, I did the dishes, fighting to stay awake as best as I could. I'm not sure how much longer I could hold out. My body was getting stiff, and I had to pace to keep from dozing on my feet.

"You really don't look so good," Luna had commented as I circled the shrine building for the umpteenth time. It was going on six-thirty. I think I was around twenty-eight, to thirty hours without sleep. Rei was preparing for school, and Usagi had raced home to prepare herself before her family realized she wasn't there. Luna had stayed to keep an eye on me.

"I'm slowly losing my mind," I commented at the feline. "If I go to sleep, I jump. If I jump, I have to go through this all over again."

"You can't fight it forever," the feline advised. "From what I've seen, you've all but pushed yourself to your limit. If you don't find a way to get some sleep…"

I nodded. And had to shake my head to keep it from spinning. The cat was right. At this rate, I was going to drop, and there would be nothing left in me for the next world. I couldn't fight it forever.

I turned to Luna as she jumped up on the counter next to me, turning her head to look me in the eye with a rather irritated expression.

"Hey," she swatted me across the nose. "Wake up…"

But I'm not asleep.


	13. Catfight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Physical and mental endurance has its limits. Everyone has a true breaking point. When reached, the body does what it must, and no amount of personal willpower is going to stop it.
> 
> At this very edge of human endurance, your character suffers the most torment, but also the most incredible strengthening. Military training is all about pushing would be soldiers to these limits and then, when they've been broken, forging new, stronger individuals. And as you gain this perspective, your outlook changes to reflect it.
> 
> Still, for most it takes more than their own willpower to reach this point. And even if you've undergone this level of punishment before, you can still be broken going from one level to an even higher level. Eventually, it is something you cannot do on your own. And you need help to keep going.
> 
> Let's roll on.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Catfight**

_"See where those hind legs are?  A real cat would have eviscerated you from the beginning."_

* * *

 

"MREOW!!!"

'CHOMP!'

"EEEYAH! I said I'm not asleep!" I snapped as I sat up to- Wait what?

"You could have fooled me!" Luna said in a near panic after spitting out my hand. "You did a convincing job of passing out!"

"Passing-" I began, the urge to panic suddenly rising…

"You nearly fell on top of me!" the feline shouted. "And I'll just add that I believe your story to the fullest!"

I looked at the cat, which motioned to the side.

"She however, might not!"

I was awake, oh so awake as I twirled in the direction indicated. I tracked in on movement just a few feet from the bed. Human, girl, purple hair… Oh god is that?

"Aiya? Strange man has talking cat?"

It is… There's no mistaking that broken dialect.

"I'm sorry if we bothered you," Luna began. "I can assure you there is a good explanation as to why we're he-"

"Is trick!" the girl snapped, eyes getting dangerous.

"What?" Luna stopped.

"We're dead…" I laughed.

"You is trick sent by Mao Mao Lin!" the girl snapped louder. "He never know when to quit!"

"We're so very dead…" I continued.

"Young lady!" Luna snapped. "I assure you I don't know who this Meow… Meow…"

"Mao Mao Lin" I paused to correct.

"Mao Mao Lin," Luna continued. "I assure you we're not associated with-"

"I KILL!"

"Kill?!" Luna snapped as the girl spun. "Isn't that a bit hasty?"

The young lady reached into the corner and retrieved very large round object.

"Shampoo's about to smash us with a Chui…" I laughed.

* * *

**World 5:  Ranma 1/2**

(Martial arts comedy hijinks with a dash of unwelcome gender swapping and a hint of romantic interest...  But just a hint.)

_"Anything and everything goes martial arts.  I mean EVERYTHING!  See: 'Martial Arts Tea Ceremony' for further details."_

* * *

 

"Do something!" Luna snapped. 

"Like what?" I asked as Shampoo raised her weapon high.

["ANYTHING WOULD BE A GOOD START!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEV-OkzaSts) Luna yelled as she jumped away. 

I dove sideways; getting snagged by the covers I was inexplicably under as Shampoo came down with all her might. There was a loud crack as the bed snapped under the force of the impact. The rough landing on the floor combined with the loud snap served to jar me to my senses.

"I'm okay now," I blinked as the purple haired killing machine turned her head.

"Missed!" Shampoo huffed in disappointment.

"What do we do?" Luna snapped in terror as I worked to dislodge myself.

Shampoo spun, hefting her Chinese weapon around at Luna, who jumped over the swing as the dresser behind exploded into splinters. In the mean time, I finished getting my legs out from the covers as I spied the way out.

"Run for it!" I ordered.

We both tore for the exit, the Mossberg dropping off my shoulder with a clatter. Dammit! Though it's not like I was willing to use that weapon as much as I thought. What am I going to do? Shoot her?

"You no escape!" the Joketsuzoku warrior snapped as she gave chase. She was probably right too. I was barely out of the room and could feel myself slowing down. The girl was stronger than a world class athlete, faster, and had infinitely more stamina. She'd catch me and kill me before I could even get out of the building. I was already losing… If only someone would dump some water on her and turn her into a harmles- HELLO.

I reached my hand out and caught myself on the doorway to a bathroom I'd almost run past, looking back as Shampoo came out of her room with the grin of a predator.

"What are you doing?" Luna ground to a halt.

I looked at the feline once and then at Shampoo as she started towards me. Then ducked into the bathroom, hitting the light switch and grabbing a sink handle. The satisfying hiss of running water greeted my ears as I cupped my hand under the stream.

"You trapped now!" Shampoo snapped smugly as she appeared in the entrance. "Now you d-"

 

'SPLASH!'

 

'THUMP!'

 

The chui slammed into the floor next to a pile of pajamas, and one very shocked looking purple and pink kitten.

"Bad kitty!" I snapped in English as I pointed down at her, then shook my head. That was horrible.

"What did-" Luna began, cautiously walking back over to us.

"Long story short," I began. "We're in another fiction I know called Ranma One Half. Shampoo here is a character. She's got a curse from a place called Jusenkyo. Cursed Spring of Drowned Kitten I think it was. You hit her with cold water; she turns into a cat. You hit her with warm or hot water…"

I noticed the vapors of steam and looked at the faucet again, then reached and turned the handle to shut it off. Good thing water ends up cold when it sits in the pipes.

"She turns back to normal." I continued again.

"That sounds rather formulaic," Luna commented as she looked at Kitty-poo(?). The pink kitten just glared back.

"I wasn't expecting it to be quite this easy," I shrugged. "The way things have been going for me, I would have expected her to be leery of the bathroom… Maybe break my leg."

"So now she's harmless?" Luna asked. Shampoo turned towards the moon cat with a glare and let out a hiss. Then with a flash of pink, and purple, dove right into Luna, who yelped in surprise before the whole thing devolved into a ball of teeth, claws, and snarling hisses. Calling a Joketsuzoku warrior harmless to her face was a wonderfully efficient way to die.

* * *

 

* * *

 

"Heh…" I let out a tired laugh at the raging furball. "Heh heh…"

This is so unreal. I'm watching Luna from Sailor Moon have a throw down with cat form Shampoo from Ranma One Half. Maybe this isn't happening. Maybe I'm dreaming. This is all one long convoluted dream after marathoning anime all day, and I ate some bad Chinese takeout. Or maybe I stayed up too late reading one of those convoluted crossover fanfics and I have to be to work in the morning. My mind was out to lunch, and this was the result. The guys on Spacebattles would LOVE to dissect this dream…

"Heheheheheheheheheh…" I continued unsteadily.

"If you don't mind!" Luna managed to choke out amidst the flying teeth. "A little help here!"

"Oh," I blinked, coming back down to Earth a little. "Sorry…"

I stepped over to the animal brawl and reached down, trying to pluck Shampoo up so she couldn't rip Luna to shreds. I had to yank my hand back once to prevent getting my wrist clawed open. And then tried again.

To my displeasure, Shampoo managed to come about after a slash to Luna's face and sink her teeth into my outstretched hand.

"Eyeaheahaaa!" I shuddered. I was awake again. Fully awake! Yes sir! That was pain. Which was good. It means I'm still alive, but bad because it means I'm not DREAMING!

"Enough!" I snapped, lashing out with my free hand. I caught Shampoo in the side and mashed her against the ground. Probably a bit rough, but then again, she bit me. I was sorely tempted to drop kick the cursed feline through the goal post of life just to prove a point.

Once Shampoo was adequately immobilized, I grabbed the kitten by the scruff of the neck and lifted her away from the ground. Then, with a step over her Chui, began walking back towards her room to collect the Mossberg.

"Thank you," Luna huffed, one eye closed with a minor scratch. "I'm not made to brawl with alley cats."

Shampoo squirmed in my grip at the retort but otherwise got nowhere.

"Stop struggling," I sighed. "Someone needs to work on your attitude."

Returning to Shampoo's room, I leaned down to pick my shotgun up by its strap, shouldering it. Then turned and sat down on the surviving corner of the bed with a flop and a creak.

"How long was I out?" I asked Luna.

"Had to be about a minute, maybe two," the moon cat responded. "Like I said, you simply passed out."

["How'd you come with me?" I asked.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=To8J45VxzQU)

"I jumped on your back trying to wake you up," Luna continued. "The next thing I know, you're under covers, and I landed on her."

"Great," I shook my head. "Now I've got unwanted baggage on my own personal trip to hell."

"Well pardon me for trying to help," Luna snorted. "I did manage to wake you up before she could kill us both."

"Yeah," I sighed again. "There is that."

I turned Shampoo around so I could look directly at the kitten.

"But is a few hours sleep really too much to ask?" I seemed to direct the question at the cursed feline as my voice rapidly became depressed. But it was more rhetorical. "I don't know how much more of this I can take… I'm losing it. Just four hours of sleep without being disturbed would be a good start."

Shampoo said nothing, which was expected. But she did turn her head sideways.

"But then I just end up appearing in beds of people like you," I could hear my voice suddenly grow a bit of anger. "And all you want to do is kill kill kill… Not even stopping to think about how the hell some unconscious guy suddenly appeared without notice in the first place. I'm simply another pervert that needs punishment."

"Get a hold of yourself," Luna advised cautiously. "You're sounding more like Usagi on a bad morning every second. And you are heavily armed. Now is not the time for you to have a nervous breakdown. We don't need you going postal."

"Right," I sighed again. "Focus."

I looked at Shampoo again, my arm now shaking from holding her in the air for so long.

"It's not like I've had a captive audience though," I continued. "Just someone to vent at I guess. Though, she is cute like this."

Shampoo blinked back at me. It was the cutest little kitten face I had-

 

'Chomp.'

 

"I'm awake," I jumped, shaking Luna off my free hand.

"Good," Luna nodded. "If you pulled me along, it would be worse if you ended up dragging her along too."

"I'm sure she'd be all the rage at parties," I snarked. "She could be my personal cyanide capsule. I just hit her with warm water when I'm in a bad spot, and she turns into an angry, naked, embarrassed warrior chick who promptly runs me through with the first pointy thing she can find."

"Come on, pull yourself together," Luna admonished. She seemed to be good at that. "You got results in an hour that Lazy Bones couldn't match in a month of Sundays. If you can survive that, you can handle this."

"Right," I nodded. I was taking advice from a fictional talking cat. Heh… "I can handle this. I just need to stay focused."

Breathing deeply to try and calm my nerves down, I looked at the now bored looking kitten I was really getting tired of holding in the air.

"I'm going to put you down now," I stated. That seemed to make Shampoo perk up just a bit. "Just do me a favor and quit trying to kill me."

I turned and placed the cursed feline on part of the bed's remains. After I let go, Shampoo continued to stare at me, cocking her head to the side curiously in that way only cats, or people in cat bodies, could do.

"There," I indicated with a nod. "The strange man is not going to haul you off to Mao Mao Lin."

"Who's this 'Mao Mao Lin' anyway?" Luna asked.

"Crazy depressed three thousand something year old Chinese cat spirit," I shrugged. "He really wants a wife, but he's too deadbeat-"

Heheh… Cat spirit… dead. Heh…

"He's too deadbeat to get any takers. He went after Shampoo here once for, obvious reasons."

"I see," Luna nodded. "I guess there's no method to keep out of trouble in these strange reality hops then."

"Welcome to my life for the past thirty hours," I commented. "Five worlds, and out of those, four have tried to kill me."

"You seem to be good at surviving," Luna complimented.

"Knowledge is power," I shrugged, looking towards the door. "Isn't that right Cologne?"

"It is indeed," the old 'hag' came around the threshold, giving Luna quite the shock. "You are quite a perceptive young man to sense my approach."

Well yeah… Given the response time people have to the sounds of combat in a small building, the fact that we managed to have plenty of time for a bedside chat meant the place was either empty, or someone was watching. In other words…

"I guessed," I shrugged.

"A perceptive guess then," Cologne nodded sagely. It was kind of hard to get the hang of all these absurdly short old folks popping up. Cologne could be more than waist high on me. And how the hell did she stay balanced three feet off the ground when she was so far away from the center of gravity of her walking stick?

Still, she radiated a somber kind of perceptive calm, as if she had you analyzed, labeled, and filed in the right category by the time she finished looking at you. It was a far cry from the far more impulsive and destructive nature of her granddaughter, Shampoo.

"You seem greatly troubled," the ancient one began again at length. "I perceive it is the predicament I overheard, correct?"

I nodded, my head swimming as I did so. Shampoo seemed to take after Luna's example and nipped my finger.

"Awake," I jumped.

"Hmmm…" Cologne gave me a brief measuring gaze. "Come with me child."

When the Matriarch of the Joketsuzoku gives you an instruction, you obey. In my case, I had little reason not to anyway. I followed the hag down the stairs and into her restaurant, flanked by two cats.

"At first I thought it was Mousse trying something stupid when the banging started," Cologne commented idly at me. "Then it got unusually quiet and I heard the water running. I thought that rather odd considering their conditions…"

Cologne indicated over her shoulder at Shampoo, referring to her curse. And silently reminding me of the fact that Mousse turned into a duck himself when hit with cold water.

"Then I heard you two talking," she continued. "The brazen manner in which you were speaking wasn't what I expected from robbers, so I decided to wait. And as they say, good things come to those who wait."

"And you got a free story," Luna chimed in, falling into the role of walking exposition.

"Indeed," the Matriarch responded. "Though I do have to wonder where Mousse is considering the commotion."

"If he's passed out in the sink in duck form…" I began, mind drifting to the mental image of a duck sleeping amidst a pile of dishes in a sink full of water. That was, funny. Cologne turned to me as I suppressed a chuckle, then angled her head slightly and bounced into the kitchen area.

"Ah," she began. "Well, that explains that."

"I was just jo-" I began, but stopped. "You're kidding right?"

"Knocked out in the power soak," the Matriarch shook her head as she returned to the dining area. "He'd better be finished by lunch time. Or I won't give him any more extra breaks."

"Health department's going to roast him if they catch him like that," I smirked, chuckling a little more at the thought of Mousse being rotated on a spit. As I did so, Cologne eyed me again for a few seconds, then leapt over to a cabinet close to the ground to retrieve a small bottle full of brownish liquid, and a small glass. Then she hopped back over, indicating for me to sit as she placed the glass on a tabled and filled it slightly with the liquid from the bottle.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"You're suffering from the onset of delirium due to sleep deprivation," Cologne commented casually. "At this rate you'll be a gibbering wreck by sunrise."

I looked at the glass of dirty-looking liquid and gave it a sniff. It smelled rancid.

"So this is…" I began, unsure.

"We've got something for sleep deprivation," the ancient one continued, bouncing over to another cabinet. "You should down that quickly…"

Okay. She wasn't going to poison me. That wouldn't make sense considering Cologne could beat me black and blue with her ugly stick before I could unsafe and fire Mossy…

Picking up the glass, I inspected it one more time. It smelled familiar, but I couldn't place it. Touching the glass to my lips, I tilted it back intending to drink. Then the taste registered.

I jerked the glass away, spilling it in the process.

"Ugh!" I snapped, fully alert again. The crap tasted like a punch in the face. "This reminds me of whiskey."

"It IS whisky," Cologne commented idly, fishing something out of a cabinet and bouncing back over to refill the glass to its previous level. "Scotch actually. And I'd really not like it if you wasted Lagavulin like that. Imports are expensive."

"This stuff tastes like something you'd only drink on a dare," I continued with disgust.

"It's Scottish whisky," Cologne raised an eyebrow. "That's probably how it got invented. I did warn you to drink it quickly."

"So, why do you have this again?" I asked.

"Whisky has its medicinal uses," she shrugged. "Personally, I can't stand it. Too intense… Now drink."

I nodded, pinching my nose and knocking back the glass as fast as I could. It was like drinking liquid smoke while watching Robin Williams go on about the invention of golf. I did my best to fight off my gag reaction and swallowed. The nasty tasting crap left a mild burning sensation as it went down.

"Now," the matriarch continued, placing what looked like a Hershey's Kiss in front of me. "Eat this."

"And what is this?" I asked.

"Three thousand year old Chinese remedy," the ancient one commented. "We're no strangers to the need to stay up for days on end during times of conflict. Especially when we need to retain sharp mental focus at the same time. This remedy deals with that. It'll remove your fatigue, allow you to focus, and keep you from being tired for eight hours."

I downed the thing in one gulp upon hearing that. It was indeed chocolate of some kind, but it had an odd flavor mixed in that tasted like cyan, cinnamon, and mint thrown together.

"It's not a substitute for sleep however," Cologne continued academically. "It will remove the effects of fatigue, but coming off its effects hits harder depending on how sleep deprived you really are. It also has some adverse side effects."

"LIKE WHAT?" Luna roared in my ear… I bolted out of my chair in surprise and slammed into the floor as if I'd been thrown out of a car.

"Hypersensitivity," the Matriarch looked under the table where I'd landed. Her voice sounded like I was at a live showing of ACDC and I was at point blank range. "One cannot forcibly sharpen the mind without sharpening everything else at the same time. That's what the scotch is for. It dulls the senses."

"This is dull?" I asked, feeling my heart beating like I had Caramel Dansen on at Ten-X speed.

"Give it a minute to kick in," Cologne instructed. "I should have warned you to eat that slowly, and you popped it like a pill. These remedies can be a bit temperamental."

Standing back up, I could already feel the effects. Aside from the throbbing, I no longer felt like a living incarnation of the god of WEIGHT. Not to mention it was getting easier to focus again. Wow! Those ancient Chinese really had it figured out. Then again, they had a lot of time to work on it.

"You got any more of that stuff?" I asked. I could feel a soft warm feeling mixing with the rest of my body, slowly damping the harsh sounds around me. "I could really use about a dozen of those considering what's been happening."

The Matriarch looked at me seriously. In retrospect, I suppose she was measuring me mentally to judge if I would end up on some kind of strange addiction to the remedy. The rapid beating of my heart did remind me of the symptoms people had when they were doped up on stimulant drugs such as speed. It would be bad to get hooked on the stuff and end up giving myself a nice little heart attack in exchange for falling asleep and getting slaughtered by some random girl.

Oh, it was nice to have some logical reasoning back. Being able to hold a coherent train of thought for more than ten seconds was wonderful. Anyway…

"Unfortunately I only had that one at this time," the Matriarch informed me solemnly. "I was keeping it stashed as a little treat for Shampoo once she managed to get Son-In-Law to officially be hers."

That explained why it was a chocolate.

"Why would you want to give her a 'Stay Awake' pill as a wedding present?" Luna asked, turning her head to the side. I turned to look at her, a smirk growing as my brain instantly, refreshingly instantly, read between the lines.

"Because it keeps you going for eight hours and makes you hypersensitive," I ended by waggling my eyebrows. It took Luna a few seconds to register the meaning, but when it did, the cat managed to blush crimson right through her fur. Shampoo, too, seemed to turn a slightly darker shade of pink.

"Hahahahahah!" Cologne laughed like sandpaper through a foam pillow. "So that's your true self. It's refreshingly confident. Just like Son-in-law. I can prepare more of those for you if you'd like. But it's going to take a few hours."

"I can handle that," I smirked, then added. "Now…"

"Good," the Matriarch nodded. Then she bounded away and returned with a broom and dustpan.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"I said I could prepare more of the remedy for you," she stated. "I didn't say it was free. Besides, you wasted a glass of Lagavulin. You WILL earn back for what was wasted."

Believe it or not I smirked more. This was just like Cologne to turn around and weasel or blackmail you. But for once, I felt so charged up it didn't matter. Bring on the cleaning. Still, that just left my tag along, Luna. Don't think I was going to let her escape any of the work just because she was a cat.

Thinking on it for a second, a mischievous little idea popped into my head. Perhaps I could earn more than just my bare requirements here. Maybe, if I exploited this…

"Hey, the mascot for this restaurant is a cat right?" I asked.

Cologne turned her head sideways.

"I happen to have a talking cat…"

Luna suddenly backed up looking nervous.

 


	14. Lost and Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too long ago (quite a while at this point actually), I coined a term in fiction for myself that I like to call 'Perfect Storm Law' to describe how some elements in a story function. It goes something like this:
> 
> 'Any component of fiction in which a set of elements come together in such a way, at such a time, as to produce a specific result that would otherwise not occur naturally. All in the name of the plot.'
> 
> People like to have a why in stories. And when the why ends up being shredded all the way down to 'because there wouldn't be a story otherwise', you're left with little more than a shallow husk of a story.
> 
> What I like to point out here is that any particular event in fiction follows cause and effect. And sometimes, people who write fiction are looking for a very specific outcome, and thus roll several, otherwise unlikely, elements together and time them all up perfectly. Much like how a series of weather systems can come together to create The Perfect Storm. Usually this can take the form of a series of coincidences that occur at exactly the right moment. Where timing something off by even a second could logically change the whole thing to a different outcome.
> 
> Using a Perfect Storm is not a bad thing. Most of fiction pretty much requires it. However, I personally feel it should be something the writer is aware of when doing so. The execution of the Perfect Storm could kill a work as quickly as a shotgun blast to the head. So I believe it pays to recognize when you're building that perfect storm, so that you can recognize if you've got elements that just seem forced or convoluted. If you have to rely on 'because the plot fails otherwise' as your answer to all the storms, you've got a problem.
> 
> Ponder this, and read on.

* * *

**Chapter 14: Lost and Found**

_"Too normal to be weird, yet too weird to be normal..."_

* * *

 

["Shampoo! Delivery! Shittake Shio Ramen for building seven, number fifteen in Hikarigaoka!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh_Vl_3VFR8)

"Okay! Shampoo deliver and be back in ten minutes!"

Well, this was different. Actually, it was something I was actually quite used to… But it was different because of both where, and with whom.

What was this you might ask? Well, it's working in a restaurant. And with who? Well, Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne, and of course, Luna was there. Okay, confusing I know.

Let me recap the last few hours since I had arrived…

For the most part, it was the usual 'Oh My God, Oh My God, I'm Gonna Die' routine, but with the addition of Luna, Sailor Moon's talking animal sidekick slash mascot. Shampoo tried to do her best impression of Hulk Smash with our skulls before I managed to turn things around by exploiting her curse: turning her into a (mostly) harmless kitten. I better not get an infection from that bite…

After her grandmother Cologne showed up, I was quickly ushered downstairs where the old crone doped me up on some kind of Joketsuzoku remedy used to stay awake for days on end. After making a request to see if I could get some more in case I needed it, she agreed. However, that came with the price of me earning it. Typical…

Of course, the stuff had some side effects.

The crone assured me the stuff wasn't speed or some tribal variant thereof. But after seeing just how bouncy I became over the next ten minutes trying to sweep, mentioned that she would adjust the strength of the doses she was going to make to compensate for my physique. The one I took was made for Shampoo after all.

Needless to say the dosage was quite powerful… Instead of eight hours, Cologne suspected this one would probably end up keeping me alert for twelve. Give or take.

I had become so hyperactive that in order to keep myself from pacing the restaurant from end to end for hours, I had rushed into the kitchen and pushed a surprised Mousse out of the way to finish off the dishes he'd fallen asleep doing. If you want to compare it to something, I felt like the description I gave of Kaolla Su back at Hinata.

After I had quite efficiently wiped out the dishes and effectively given myself dishpan hands, the matriarch insisted that I get a change of clothes into something a little more fitting than torn undersized pants. So the solution was to stick me into an oversized outfit that belonged to Mousse and tighten it up with a belt.

The thing had more pockets…

This was of course, after I washed myself off a bit to be more presentable than a guy who looked like he'd just crawled out of Vietnam. You try getting into a firefight with a dark general some time and see if you come out of it without at least a little bit of mud and dirt collected. I dare you.

After this, some of the effects of the 'stuff' seemed to be wearing off just a bit, as I slowly went from Hyperactive Chipmunk Mode, down to a speed that reminded me of jittery caffeine high. By no means did this slow me down, but at least I didn't feel like I had to be running laps around the building.

While I was busy making myself useful, Luna got to have her own little piece of the action. The ancient one outfitted her with a makeshift sign advertising the restaurant. And just after sunrise, sent her running all over Nerima, shouting advertisements at the top of her feline lungs.

The gimmick seemed to work, as by the time she opened for the day, the orders for delivery were already coming in, and the dining area was getting busy.

Well, busy for the style of cafe being run. In total the shop had something like seven tables that served maybe two people apiece. So it could never really get all that packed. I was used to lunch rushes in a fast food place.

A lot of the business seemed to depend on Shampoo delivering here and there and everywhere. And she was fast. On average, most delivery runs topped out at fifteen minutes round trip for distances as much as four miles. This didn't seem like a big deal until you realized this was western Tokyo, and she was on a bicycle.

Once it rolled up into lunch, the number of deliveries per outing had gone up, but she still managed to pull off timely runs. My bet is that she started bounding on rooftops to cut down on transit time. The entire 'fighting tier' of the Ranma cast could do that. It wouldn't surprise me. Still, that's cool stuff.

Once Cologne had seen my proficiency with the dining area in general, I found myself assigned to it. That meant keeping the area clean, wiping down tables, and running the register.

Well, trying to...

I'd almost forgotten about the language rewrite my brain was getting, and that the verbal part would be the fastest for me. The reading was still not fully developed. Something I learned upon actually looking at the register keys and promptly declaring...

"Cologne... HELP!"

It took me a minute to try and explain what was wrong, but the old crone got the idea, and quickly whipped up a sketchy looking key map that translated everything into English. Was there anything the hag didn't know or was she just a living repository of knowledge? The ancient one was multi-lingual.

It was enough to get me to run the register. While I did take several moments to stare at the map each time I did something, I completed the transactions themselves easily enough. It was enough to keep me from getting rotated back to dish duty. After doing all of Mousse's dishes this morning my hands were a little dried out and borderline raw. Mousse just grumbled in the back about arrangements.

Luna returned about midway through lunch, looking quite exhausted, thirty seconds or so ahead of Shampoo returning from a run.

"Still alive?" I asked the cat. Luna just glared at me.

"There's a bowl of milk and a canned tuna with your name on it in the back," I indicated the direction of the kitchen. "Go take a break, you've earned it."

Luna perked up just a bit, but tried to keep up the glare for a moment before relenting and tiredly ambling into the kitchen area.

"I back!" Shampoo announced. "Where next delivery?"

"I think we're clear for the moment," I responded, glancing at the order list, reminding myself that it still made no sense. "Grab some water, it's warming up."

"Cat idea triple business," the girl commented as she took her box and placed it on the counter. "I not make that many deliveries in hour in many month."

"People will buy anything with the right gimmick," I shrugged as she retrieved water I'd placed out for her around eleven thirty. "Novelty sells."

"Talking cat is good novelty," Shampoo continued. "Where you get?"

Oh... I think I forgot to explain something fully. I might have mentioned it on the fly earlier, but I don't think it quite sunk in. Maybe I can just run the basics.

"I picked her up on accident from another world," I stated.

"You appear in bed with cat?" Shampoo asked, blinking in surprise. "You go strange places."

Okay... How the FUCK did she do that? I don't believe I've ever seen someone be both incredibly intelligent, and mind numbingly stupid at the EXACT SAME TIME. On the plus side, she seemed to have gotten what was going on with little prompting. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking Shampoo is stupid. Bull-headed and simple-minded at times sure, but not stupid...

Thankfully, I was spared from having to gauge just how smart she really was by a loud yell.

"RANMA!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"And, cue Ryoga," I snapped in English as I rolled my eyes. Shampoo seemed to deflate at the sound of the voice.

"RANMA!" The boy came through the entrance a moment later. "YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER!"

"What you want?" Shampoo asked indignantly. Luna poked her head into the room to check. After a moment, Ryoga finally noticed her.

"How'd I get here?" he asked himself aloud.

Hibiki Ryoga, or Ryoga Hibiki, pick a name order, was a rather peculiar case. The basic concept of his character, was strong as an ox, and about as smart as one too. But not too horribly so... The real problem relied on an absurdly poor sense of direction he had. You think you get lost? Ryoga has earned the nickname 'Lost Boy' for a reason. This guy couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag if you gave him a map, GPS coordinates, and opened the top. I mean this literally. He can't even navigate in a building he's been in a hundred times.

Ryoga carries a rucksack and an umbrella at all times. The umbrella weighing something like several hundred pounds... He can pitch camp well enough, and is used to traveling. But he never seems to realize that his poor sense of direction is the cause of said travels. To put this in perspective, it took him four days to navigate from his house...

To the empty lot behind his house...

Yeah.

"Ranma not here," Shampoo chided the lost boy. "You in wrong place again."

"DAMN!" Ryoga snarled and hung his head. After a minute he just sighed and looked at her again. "Could you at least point me to the bathroom?"

Oh! I wanted to try something.

"Bathroom?" Shampoo asked, then turned. "Is over-"

"It's over there," I interrupted, pointing at the kitchen.

"Thank you sir," the lost boy acknowledged me with a dejected nod. He then turned, and went directly for the bathroom.

"Bingo," I nodded in English. Well, who'd a thunk it?

"What is," Luna began, trotting over to me. "What's wrong with that young man?"

I gave Luna the short list from above. The feline rolled her eyes. Shampoo seemed amused by my knowledge.

"Your taste in fiction is as out there as Usagi's," Luna commented.

Hey, my knowledge of it got me this far.

"Still," I continued after a moment. "I'm surprised nobody tried deliberately sending him the wrong direction before."

"You know much," Shampoo commented suspiciously, glancing at Ryoga. "How you know so much?"

I would LOVE to hand this girl a DVD of this very show and see how she reacted to it. Except I don't think they invented DVDs yet in this world. I'm what, two, four years early? When were DVDs invented? I don't know. It didn't matter anyway since I didn't have a DVD on me, or at home. But whatever...

"He has his ways," Cologne commented, emerging from the kitchen. "Was that Ryoga just now?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "He's in the bathroom."

The matriarch hummed sagely and looked around. Then she bounded up onto the counter.

"The cleaning lady should be here soon," she indicated.

"Cleaning lady?" I asked.

Cleaning lady? I don't remember the cafe having a cleaning lady. Just the hag, Shampoo, and the blind duck... Who was this?

"Yes," Cologne nodded. "She shows up from time to time without warning, cleans the place better than anyone I've ever seen, and vanishes. I've never been able to get her name, but I've gotten a handle on her intervals. I suspect she'll be here within the next few minutes."

Okay, this time I was in the dark. I knew of no super-cleaning specialist in the entire Ranma cast. Kasumi might qualify, but everyone knew Kasumi. The fact that I just discovered something I didn't know was sending up red flags. It would be bad if my knowledge of the worlds I ended up in started to break down. My ability to survive depended on an almost Sun Tzu-like ability to know my opponents... It had saved my life directly twice now.

"This I've got to see," I stated, putting on a game face. I think Cologne glanced at me for just a second, but stopped when there was a loud, clearly Ryoga-like shout from the bathroom.

"The cleaning lady is already here," she nodded. I had to keep from gaping at the hag in confusion when she said that. I checked that bathroom myself earlier while cleaning. There's no way in through there. And I didn't see anyone arrive. Was this cleaning lady a ninja? It would fit in this kind of setting.

Ryoga suddenly came through the door, doing his best to bow profusely as he apologized repeatedly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to barge in on you miss," he huffed. "I can't seem to find the right place. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Oh don't worry," the lady on the other side replied. "I'm just cleaning. Happens all the time."

Let's just say, that given my experiences the last few worlds have pretty much made me immune to surprises. When you are admittedly in a place filled with strange happenings, you become desensitized to what you would normally perceive as the strange. In fact, you come to expect it. Especially in my case where I knew what strange things to expect were going to be in advance... Living in fiction had that effect.

However, the universe (multiverse?) still had a trick up its sleeve. A trick that could make me literally stop, and stare blankly as Mihoshi's mother, Mitoto Kuramitsu stepped out of the bathroom carrying a broom while Ryoga continued to try and apologize for what in his mind had to be a terrible offense. Just when you think you have it down, life throws you a curve ball.

"I'd still like to know how she does that," Cologne muttered next to me. "Slips right past me each and every time."

"No kidding," I commented in English. The statement earned me a pointed look from the matriarch.

A brief breakdown of Mitoto... Yes, she IS Mihoshi's mother. And after you've gotten a feel for her character, it becomes obvious where Mihoshi gets the family quirks. The fact that there are two of them is scary enough. But on top of this, where the daughter seems to have this ability to defy probability itself to the point it can confuse a goddess, the mother has an equally interesting natural talent.

The talent to spontaneously be anywhere she wanted to be in an instant.

Now mind you, as with Mihoshi, this talent doesn't seem to be of conscious effort. Rather, it seems to be a product of Mitoto's own personal obliviousness. When she starts cleaning, she goes where the cleaning needs to happen. And she LOVES to clean. She'll start by cleaning the bathrooms at Galaxy Police HQ, then move on unhindered to a GP ship, then another, and another, etc. All while completely unperturbed by her work, or her surroundings...

This seems simple enough until you realize that you started at HQ, and thirty minutes later you're on the bridge of a pirate ship three thousand light years from the middle of nowhere and several days travel from the nearest GP vessel.

So, no wonder she slipped under the radar here... On the plus side, there weren't very many people who messed with Mitoto. Even the pirates appreciated her cheerful nature and housekeeping skills.

Still, that left me with a question.

"How did she jump into another universe?" I asked aloud, still using English.

"You know her," the ancient one concluded. I nodded mutely.

"He know cleaning lady?" Shampoo asked in surprise.

"I've seen her before too," Luna suddenly chimed in. "I swear she was a cleaning at Usagi's school one time after class."

I turned to look at the feline. Okay, it was time to call the brains in. I was not qualified to even remotely try and figure this mess out.

Deftly, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the beacon. And quite simply, while everyone watched silently, I pulled the receiver out and looped it on my ear. Then pressed the button.

"Beedeedeedeep! Beebeedeedeep!"

"I see you jumped again," Washu commented as the line opened.

"Do you know Mitoto?" I asked, interrupting any other pleasantries. Cologne and Luna seemed intrigued with the little piece of equipment as I spoke.

"Mihoshi's mother?" Washu replied. "Yeah, why?"

"Because I'm looking right at her," I informed the scientist.

There was a long pause on the line.

"You're serious?" Washu asked.

"Apron and all," I concluded.

I think I could barely hear the sound of rapid beeping as Washu punched away furiously at her computer. As that occurred I could only watch as Ryoga continued to try and apologize for an offense that didn't actually occur. Poor sod.

"I've checked the GP personnel records and Mitoto was last sighted by a surveillance system as cleaning a cafeteria bathroom at headquarters about an hour and a half ago," Washu continued. "She slips in and out of monitoring areas seemingly without warning."

"Yeah..." I began, nodding despite the audio-only nature of the conversation. "She does that."

"Does what?" Cologne asked me in English, attempting to join my conversation. I held up a hand. One at a time...

"This is interesting," Washu continued into my thoughts. "Her Astral Pattern has points of entry in innumerable places like always. But there are a few here that seem to have signatures consistent with upper dimensional barrier penetration. Just like you..."

"All that means to me at the moment is we're in similar boats," I commented. "Can you do anything with that information?"

"I sure can!" Washu cackled from her end. "While your destination selection and trigger methods are completely different, I can already tell your method of transit is nearly identical. I could do a little more with comparative examinations of your astral patterns."

"So," I began. There were a few ways I could interpret that little tidbit of information. "How do you go about doing that?"

"You need to get close to Mitoto," Washu quickly responded. "The beacon will pick her pattern up as environment data if you're close enough."

"Close as in proximity, right?" I asked.

"Yeah," Washu replied. "What else?"

You tell me oh goddess of perverted gags.

"Oh, you don't think I'm that bad do you?" Washu asked idly.

How many times do I have to tell you to get out of my head?

"Just get close to Mitoto and try and give me twenty minutes of readings," Washu continued. "I'm out."

And with that, she clicked off. For several more seconds I reflected on the situation. Get close to Mitoto? Well, there was one way...

The basic idea of the next fifteen minutes was explaining to those present of the strange quirks of the Kuramitsu family. Mainly Mitoto... For the most part, she seemed totally oblivious, or perhaps completely dismissive of my conversation despite helping her clean while being not more than ten feet away at any given time. Dammit, I cleaned this table four times already...

Cologne seemed to absorb the information quietly as she watched us from the counter. Luna however, seemed more suspicious of it all. I don't blame the cat. It had been a rough day for her, and I doubt the idea of suddenly getting yanked into another universe with someone who didn't even seem to realize what was going on was very appealing.

Ryoga was helping too. Seemed to be his personal delusion that he was atoning for a sin that never happened. I'm not going to try and figure that one out. Some things are better off left alone. Besides, he had that absurd super strength of his. Pushing my luck with him around would be a good way to take a dismissive slap that hits like a small truck. And while that little Chinese remedy had been a great help, I was still aware of how stiff my body was from the punishment it had taken recently. I'd have to call Washu later and ask her how much cumulative damage I could tank on her nanomachines without a week or two of rest to let natural healing run its course.

Being absurdly alert also allowed me to notice other minor issues. Despite feeling totally charged, I swear I heard my name being called every ten to fifteen minutes, as well as the sound of my family chattering as if in the other room. Creepy... I was also aware of how painfully slow my reactions were. The ancient one had warned me that her remedy was no substitute for sleep. So I'm guessing that despite not feeling tired and worn down, I was still running on thirty to almost forty hours without sleep at this point. If what she said about coming off the stuff was right, I'd probably hit the ground like a lead weight the moment the effects subsided.

But for now, I had a mission.

Keeping close to Mitoto while she cleaned wasn't as easy as it sounded. Not when you consider I had to contend with looking like I was just randomly wandering near her, not look like I was wasting time (at which point Cologne may or may not instruct me to do something else. I've been around enough bosses to know it could happen), or look like I was taking over the current task. That last one was important because the first two times I tried to 'assist' she simply rotated to a different task with a smile.

Can't you hold still for five seconds Mitoto?

In keeping up the charade, I even got Luna in on the act. The cat made a wonderful floorboard cleaner, as I was not about to try bending over that much in this state. Luna protested, but I pointed out that I was pretty much her only ticket out of here and spending the rest of her life running around town shouting.

Slowly, or rather quickly when you compare to similar tasks, the restaurant was cleaned from head to toe. And by clean I mean SPOTLESS. Mitoto was a master of her craft. Soon we worked our way back into the corner and into the bathrooms, eventually wiping down the sinks and mirrors.

"Nice and sparkly!" the guerrilla housemaid chirped.

"I can't believe she enjoys this so much," Luna huffed as I turned to wash my hands at the sink.

"If you're going to do something," Mitoto smiled at the cat. "You might as well have fun while you're at it! Am I right?"

"You didn't have to scrub a bathroom floor with a towel in your mouth," the cat responded sarcastically, then glared at me. Hey don't blame me kitty! I didn't make you do that one.

"Well, at least it's cleaned, and cleaned right." I commented. Plus I got more than enough time near Mitoto for what Washu wanted. "You have no idea how many skulls I have to crack back home to get anything cleaned the right way the first time."

"Anything worth doing, is worth doing right!" the blond chirped.

"I agree with her," Ryoga responded as he reached for the door.

"Actually," I began. "So do I."

"What's with that talking cat anyway?" Ryoga indicated. "Is she related to that Mao Mao Lin guy? Or is she cursed like that frog guy?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that," I shook my head. "Trust me, this isn't a good day for asking questions."

"Is it okay if I ask one more though?" Ryoga asked as he peered out of the bathroom.

Aside from the one you just asked? "Sure, go ahead."

"Where am I NOW?"

I sighed, shaking my head. Lost Boy couldn't find his way out of the back of a C-130 with the ramp down in a vertical clim-

I paused as I looked out the door. There was no cafe on the other side.

"What the f-" I cut myself off, swinging the door wide and stepping into the hall. Then I turned and looked into the cramped bathroom we were in, then out again.

It couldn't be... Well, actually it could. I could easily blame this on Mitoto. But there was something else.

"Where are we?" Luna asked, noticing the change in scenery for the first time.

This hall... these tiles. This disjointed bathroom. There's no way, but... I knew this layout.

Stepping back and looking at the two as Mitoto attacked some soap scum in the bathtub, I let myself be shocked for the second time in less than an hour.

"This is my house."


	15. Reality Check

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is the fourth wall? Anyone who's been reading a while should know the infamous logic barrier that separates story from reader.
> 
> In comedy, oft you will find the fourth wall ignored and shattered as the characters talk directly to the reader as if they knew there were in the story the entire time. It may be used to make an aside to the reader, or perhaps to explain something in detail. But one thing is for certain. The Fourth Wall is either in place, or broken...
> 
> But what would you say would happen if the Fourth Wall were less of a fine line, and more of a blur? What separates fiction from reality but little more than stepping half an inch to the left of last week?
> 
> Can you discern fantasy from reality?

* * *

**Chapter 15: Reality Check**

_"No more Mister Nice Guy..."_

* * *

 

"Your house?"

Luna looked at me in shock.

"What do you mean, your house?" she continued.

I meant exactly what I said. There's no other house in the world that looked like this. Considering the custom remodeling we did to the bathroom... It was a generic site-built home, but the bathroom wall had been partially knocked down and expanded into the garage. And where the old tub had been was walled off and was now the Washer and Dryer spot. I would know the setup, I helped build it.

"This is my place," I continued at length. "I'm sure of it."

I could almost feel my body starting to shake as I stepped into the hallway again. Gray tile floor, with a tile right at the bathroom door that made a popping sound every time you stepped on it-

'Pop'

Yes, this was the place. And to my left, less than a dozen feet away, was my bedroom.

"My room," I thought out loud, moving towards the door. My room, my clothes, my BOOTS, my-

I grabbed the handle and gave a twist, then frowned. Locked. Of course it was locked. I locked the door when I went to sleep. I hate to be bothered. And considering I had abruptly left the premises VIA unconventional methods, I hadn't exactly had a chance to unlock it. Figures...

"Okay," I commented idly, staring at the handle as if willing it to unlock. After a moment, I remembered.

"Screwdriver," I stuck my finger in the air, turning left and heading towards the front of the house. My lock wasn't exactly a very complicated bit. It was a generic simple lock you could open easily, providing you had a small enough screwdriver.

As I did so, a rapid thumping sound drew my attention to the front window, where my dog was lying, looking towards me.

"Hey puppy," I commented automatically in English as I turned into the kitchen. Technically of course, the dog was an old fart. No sooner did the words come out of my mouth did I feel Luna practically climb right up my back to drape herself on my shoulder in near panic.

"That's your dog?!" she huffed quietly in my ear. "He's huge!"

"He's harmless," I shrugged, stepping into the garage, careful not to trip over anything.

"I thought you said he was a pit-bull," the feline hissed.

"He is," I shrugged, reaching up to find the light switch chain... "But I neglected to inform you that he was raised with a cat, and he's twelve."

Yeah, my dog was raised with a cat and it reached the point where I swore he thought of himself as half-cat. And like I said, he's twelve. He's too old and lazy to really do anything but wag his tail and pant in your general direction. But I digress. Doing my best to shuffle around to the back of the garage where the tool chests were, I went to work hunting for a screwdriver small enough to fit my handle.

"You told me you'd have him EAT me!" the cat countered as I shifted to another drawer.

"It's called LYING, Luna," I rolled my eyes. "Part of the much vaunted BLUFFING technique. It can be used on more than just the straight questions you know."

"What else were you lying about then?" the feline asked suspiciously. Finally, I found a flat head and a Phillips that looked like they would do the job and grabbed them both.

"Well, since you're stuck with me," I continued, meandering my way around the clutter back to the kitchen. "I guess it's okay to tell you who the Moon Princess really is."

"You lied about something like THAT?!" Luna asked, no longer keeping her tone down.

"Well, I was trying not to blow the timeline worse than it already was," I shrugged. "Do you have any idea what kind of damage I could do with my knowledge?"

The feline was quiet as I returned to the bedroom door. My dog had gotten up in the time I was in the garage and had discovered Ryoga, who was just staying put, petting the animal. Good. The last thing I need is for Ryoga to wander out the front door and end up lost in central Texas.

Fiddling around with the screwdrivers, I finally managed to get the lock undone, and opened my door with a satisfying 'HA!'

"Anyway," I continued, walking into my bedroom. "Since it likely doesn't matter now, I might as well tell you that the Moon Princess has been right under your whiskers the whole time."

"You mean?" the cat bounded to the floor and looked up at me incredulously.

"Usagi," I shrugged.

"USAGI?!" Luna echoed. "There's no way... There's just no- USAGI? This is a joke right?"

I paused and looked calmly at the cat.

"Does this look like my joking face to you?"

Luna sighed, then glanced around my room. Taking in the desk, the bed, the shelves of anime and manga, the computer, the wall scrolls. One of which she fixated on and simply stared at...

"Is that?" she began, jumping up on the foot of my bed. "That really is..."

"Yes," I nodded, digging in my hamper. "That's them."

"We really are just entertainment to you," the cat blinked, then asked. "Who's the little one?"

"Chibi-usa," I shrugged. "Usagi's daughter."

"DAUGHTER?" Luna gaped. "But I've never seen, Usagi's never... What?"

"Look," I paused as I threw a pair of black pants on my bed. "You need to realize that I know just about EVERYTHING. I'm a walking, talking answer to every question about everyone and everything that happens to you guys for the next four years."

"I still don't understand," Luna shook her head. "I mean, I understand, but this is just..."

"How about this," I got an idea that might just work. Turning to my shelf. "How about I SHOW you."

Reaching for the second shelf, left side, I pulled a box out. Then I pulled a smaller box out of that and looked at the back. What did Sasami say it was? Episode thirty? That's... disk six. Luna stared at the box dumbfounded as I popped the DVD in question out, turned to my TV and Playstation 2, and fired it up.

"Here," I commented as I started the episode. "This is what was supposed to happen..."

Then I paused noticing there was no sound. Well, yes, I should enable the line-in setup on my computer. The way I have things wired.... I'm not getting in to custom sound configurations. Pausing to check the time, I noted it was only 10:30 in the morning.

That got me thinking. What day is it?

Double clicking on the clock, I opened it and discovered that despite my travels, it was only about ten hours or so since I had 'left'. Washu wasn't kidding about the whole lack of temporal alignment.

Washu...

As Luna stared at the TV screen, I quietly pressed the button on the crab-tooth piece I had never bothered to remove from my ear. Washu needed to know where I was... This would be massively important.

'Beedeedeedeep! Beedeedeedeep!'

The call signal chimed once, twice, three times. Then it continued to repeat endlessly. By the tenth time I simply hit the button again to stop it. Nothing... That was strange. Why wasn't she answering?

Sighing, I simply sat back in my chair to think a moment. I was at a loss. I had Mitoto cleaning the bathroom, Ryoga playing with my dog, and a talking cat watching my TV. If it weren't for them, I could almost shrug off everything that's happened like it never did.

Almost...

I was still wearing Mousse's oversized clothing, I still had a beacon shaped like a crab, a shiny little crystal, and a dagger charged with exorcism powers. What to do?

While I was thinking, I pulled up my web browser and went about my normal routine. Email... Inbox Dollars... I'll mess with that later. Spam, some more spam... Mark it as such and go on. Eh, nothing of importance.

I wonder. What would the guys at Spacebattles think of this mess? Clicking the link, I rolled over to the forum. It was the usual commotion. Inane topics like 'An Azula For You', or 'Spacebattles Motivational Posters' and the VS section was busy with half a dozen things I hadn't seen, or didn't care too much about. The usual junk. They wouldn't notice anything I have to say out of anything else.

 

[NEW TOPIC]

 

_**Hopping Reality...** _

 

::User Post::

 

_I've got a thought for you guys. What are your opinions on alternate realities? For example, let's say there are alternate realities across the multiverse that contain every form of fiction you've ever seen._

_Do you think it would be possible to tie those realities together?_

 

[SUBMIT]

 

It was vague, but then again, I knew how these guys got. Anything too exact might raise weird questions. Plus, if you wanted advice, well... NEVER ask Spacebattles for advice. At least, not where they know it as asking for advice.

Standing up, I moved over to the clothing I had fished out. Time to change into something that actually fit for once. Luna was immersed in the TV animation, and she was also a cat, so she was a non-factor as I quickly swapped into my own pants. Oh... God. After two days or so wearing the wrong damn clothing, it was nice to finally be in some clothes that FIT! You have no idea.

Opening my dresser I fished out another one of my generic brown shirts. The 'Mo Dakka Fo Life' shirt was cool, but it needed to be washed. Then I fished out a pair of socks, and then threw on my boots. MY boots. Steel Toe, slip resistant, water resistant, BOOTS. No more blisters. No more ill fitting house slippers.

With a getup more fitting of... well... Just more fitting period... I flopped back down in my chair and hit the refresh button. There were already three posts...

 

::Terrace::

_I'm not sure. I suppose that it would depend on how you could go from one reality to another. As for 'every form of fiction you've ever seen', perhaps the respective creators got 'psychic flashes' from these other worlds. I use the term 'psychic flashes' because I honestly can't come up with a better term._

 

::Stormwind::

_Oh, a parallel worlds thread... I LOVE the concept of parallel worlds, each one slightly different from neighbors. So, to answer questions Op rises..._

_Yes, I do believe thee are PWs where events go exactly like or very close to what is fiction in our world. Why not, if it is theoretically possible?_

 

::Vlad III::

_There are many fictions that have a multiverse in them. The One for example or The Manifold series where from one universe where the Downstreamers destroyed their universe and created multiple ones and there is the every action creates a separate and distinct universe of its own setings like Stargate for example._

_If there were different universes for every fiction created there would need to be some stratification or layering so that the ones with a single universe or with a limited number of ones to be able to exist._

 

Well, that answered my question pretty quick. But then again, this is a sci-fi board. These guys tended to latch on to this sort of thing. Maybe I could throw in an example... I sat back rubbing my face as I thought up a response and paused. I need to shave. But first... Glancing at Luna, who was thoroughly enthralled in watching herself on the TV, I had an idea. Just a little nudge in a direction...

 

::User Post::

_So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here..._

_What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?_

 

Posting that, I turned to the corner where I kept my electric razor. Time to get rid of this sandpaper that was growing on my face.

"Hey!" Ryoga stuck his head in the door. "Uh... If you don't mind telling me, should I be doing something?"

I shrugged, flipping the razor on with a click. "Chill out, take a seat, relax. Help Mitoto. I don't care. Just don't leave this house under any circumstances, and don't use that breaking point move of yours."

"How do you know about that?" he asked.

"Did you not notice who I was working for?" I asked evasively. "She taught you the move after all."

"Oh," Hibiki blinked. "I guess you're right."

Ryoga glanced around my room for a moment, mulling over the layout.

"What's all that stuff?" he asked, indicating my computers.

"Expensive," I replied curtly as I worked on my five O clock (and then some) shadow. "I work on music in my spare time."

"You're a singer?" the lost boy asked.

"I sing like crap," I replied. "I prefer the term sound engineer. Fits what I do better than musician or composer."

Ryoga seemed to think about it for a while. My computer equipment had almost fifteen years on anything that existed in Ranma, and probably a lot more than anything he had likely seen directly. His lack of experience in such things meant I could probably bluff about it and have him be none the wiser. Which, now that I thought about it, was a good idea. The less he realized what was going on, the less likely he would do anything rash. Ryoga was a walking tank of a man. It's highly likely that the natural toughness he got from his home universe combined with his absurd toughness training could result in a lot of property damage if he got out, got lost, and started something. I'm not joking. The guy could punch holes in concrete with his finger as a warm up. If something happened, it would take an air strike to put him down.

"It's top of the line stuff," I lied. Most of my gear was third rate bargain bin. "You would spend most of the rest of your life paying for it if it got broken. So don't touch it okay?"

Ryoga backed out of the room a bit, and looked around, unsure. Mitoto was still working in the bathroom from the sound of things. At a loss, Ryoga wandered back over to her and offered a hand in scrubbing something. Rather than bother with keeping an eye on them, I simply tapped my door with my foot to shut it and clicked refresh.

There were a few more posts to read...

 

::X On::

_Shrug and continue on my way. Its not my reality so why would i care?_

 

::Vlad III::

 _Girls in sailor outfits?_ _  
_ _Nice_

 

::X On::

_Oh come on Vlad aren't you like 300 hundred or something? I think there a little young for you_

 

::Vlad III::

_578 actually. But who's counting?_

 

Well, guess I should have expected this. Topic derailed in no time flat... Though it looked like the next post was better. Judging from its size anyway...

 

::Rieverre::

_I'd say there'd pretty much have to be more going on offscreen than we're ever explicitly shown. And I don't only mean the whole girls in short skirts fighting for love and justice angle - it's pretty ridiculous at first glance, subjectively speaking. Plenty of untapped potential in the background waiting to be explored, though, and maybe some of that will make the whole shebang make sense._

_Hell, the whole 'having real and provable powers beyond mortal ken' issue alone would be food for more consideration than my brain can wrap itself around. I'd definitely hope Metallia wasn't a Yozi, anyway._

_But I'm going off on a tangent again._

_Alternate universes ... personally, I'm of the opinion that existence would be boring without infinite possibility, and following from that, everything is. Everything is, everything was, and everything will be. World as Myth is perfectly plausible from where I'm standing, if only because nobody's managed to prove the contrary yet._

_Tying transfictionality together into one coherent whole ... just the idea gives me headaches. Tie together by what means? How would that even work with, say, a universe that has the vaguely described factor called 'magic' which folds, spindles and mutilates the laws of physics and one that doesn't? I could imagine it being tied together by concepts. Archetypes. Patterns of storytelling? That sort of thing. But that may be going too far into metaphysical hogwash._

_Wait, what exactly do _you_ mean by 'tie together'? Some grand cosmic-scale fusion?_

 

Well, this was inviting. A little more bait here...

 

::User Post::

_Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this._

_Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being (ROB) decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe._

_However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack._

_How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)_

 

After hitting 'Submit', I glanced at the episode just in time to see Zoicite pluck the crystal out of Grampa, then fished the real thing out of my pocket. You know, a crystal the size of a golf ball had to be worth a small fortune. Though come to think of it, if I had the crystal, and I was here... That means the Senshi back in their world don't have it. I was walking around with what you could say was the equivalent to having the launch codes to every nuclear weapon in the US inventory. Invariably this was both good and bad. Good because the Dark Kingdom couldn't get at it.

Bad, because the Senshi don't have it to get their Deus Ex plot crystal. Crap.

"How did you manage to beat that thing?" Luna asked into my thoughts. "I mean, Sailor Moon wasn't there to heal it."

I inwardly shuddered remembering the thing up close. On the TV screen, it looked goofy. But the real thing I realized was a lot scarier in person. Animation just did not do the thing justice. In fact, the comparison between the animation I saw, and everyone as I saw them was incredible. Bright animation coloring just did not match the colors of small details like I'd never really thought about how they would look realistically. Like the way Ayeka's hair didn't look so much watercolor purple as it did a darkened parrot-feather purple and had a fine texture. Or the way I could tell even in the dark that the monster's face wasn't so much plastic looking as it was angry red and sweaty looking. Or Luna here... Glancing at the cat, I could see the individual hairs of her fur lining the crescent moon shaped bald spot, and the odd discoloration that looked more like jaundice skin than yellow.

"Well?" the cat asked, glancing back so as not to miss Yuichiro head-butting and losing hilariously.

"I improvised," I commented. "I took a gamble on Rei's anti-demon abilities and gave her something to use as a focus. It helps it's also got exorcism properties. Souvenir I picked up from a previous world. It worked spectacularly too."

"You took a big risk," Luna commented, watching more of the way the fight was supposed to have happened.

"It was that or die horribly," I shrugged, looking back at the computer. Refresh.

 

::Wakka::

_If I'm not getting out of the universe, then I'm fucked. I don't speak Japanese or carry heavy weapons around. I'd run like hell and hope that ROB will whisk me away. Then I'll head to the nearest embassy. If the monster follows it'll get a face full of M-16 fire courtesy of the marines._

 

::Tabi::

_Well, assuming one should receive fore-warning, then well yeah...Unfortunately I'm not much of a Sailor Moon fan. Maybe when I was around 12 years old, but the events during that sequence of events is something I'm not aware of._

_In any case, I'd be very very confused. Throw in a monster attack, I'll do whatever any normally confused and utterly frightened human being does: Either piss in my jeans, run away, hide, find out what the hell is going on, or hide. Combine or in any order as you'd wish. Assuming one was a total otaku and knew exactly what would happen, your very being there may or may not change things depending on the situation._

 

::Rieverre::

_Don't die. Until you're reasonably sure that you're not going to die, don't even bother thinking about ramifications and implications of 'fiction' actually being real and just a step to the left of Reality As We Know It._

_For the sake of the argument, I'm in ... what '92-'96 or something to that effect? In my body now, or in my body then? With or without 'vaild' ID and actual documented existence? Because that could get dicey._

_I guess, above and beyond anything else, I'd make it a point to seek power. This ties into the whole 'don't die' issue. Before, I only suspected there are Big Bad Nasty Things out there waiting to crunch down on my soul. Now I KNOW. So yeah. Status quo was just upset and social norms may as well have been thrown out the window, and as much as I'd be potentially delighted at something like that happening, I'd also be scared as fuck of ending up, as I am, somewhere where Things That Should Not Be roam._

 

There were a few other short posts that had shown up from Panaka, Jonen C, Vlad III, and Valiant that could essentially be summed up as: Run Away. Hide. And, Cry, like a scared little girl. You know, being told that from guys who were usually 'CONQUER THE UNIVERSE!' any time a scenario of 'You are now HERE' came up...

 

::User Post::

_So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump?_

_You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?_

 

I looked up, the episode was almost over. Sailor Moon was putting the coup-de-grace on the monster, returning him to grampa in a flash of poorly animated effects. I think the version I got out of Rei looked much cooler, and far more awesome. You know, demonic apparition bursting into flames and all that.

 

"Go ahead and watch the next one," I commented as the closing scene played out. Refresh.

 

::Tabi::

_Assuming one has all that knowledge, assuming you are indeed within a fictional reality (a misnomer if there was one), then your literally being there changes the dynamics of everything, especially should you take part in minor or, heaven forbid, major events in some shape or form. If you have indeed 'jumped' to such a universe, then it seems obvious that other fictional realities are also possible._

 

::Jonen C::

 _You THINK you know about the characters and the setting. Confirm and verify that this is accurate before trying something._ _If it is accurate... Well, that's a valuable tool. Probably the biggest asset you're ever going to have - EVER. At least if you use it right._ _  
_ _So how will you use that? Depends on what kind of person you are._

 _"_ _Don't be evil" is a good start._  

 _In the SM setting... Well, a lot of the time the Girls could probably do with some tips and advise from genre savvy people who actually think about strategies to take down evil overlords and the like as a fricken *HOBBY*..._  
_And if that didn't set off your sarcasm detector, you can actually ignore the sarcasm if you have some actual foreknowledge that might be useful - assuming you're able to verify it and shepherd it so that butterflies won't make it inaccurate._

 _As for other fictional universes..._  
_That would depend on your ability to reach them, wouldn't it? If you can't reach them, it doesn't matter._  
_If you can... Well, the world just got a little bit bigger (and a lot more confusing)._

 

::Riverre:: 

_Assume they're all real. And now you're stuck in one. Astronomically small chance. PRACTICALLY, that really wouldn't mean much, though, if you just wanted to live out your life. Flipside, transit is possible. Transit is therefore possible for Bad Things as well as Good Things. Chances are I just made a ripple and got noticed by something._

 

I froze and read that last line again...

 

" _Chances are I just made a ripple and got noticed by something."_

 

Made a ripple? ZOICITE! That's why he was there! Washu said I had a funky astral pattern. Celcia said I had an unusual aura. I bet when I appeared in Rei's bed, I sent out some kind of ethereal shockwave. Then it would follow that Zoicite felt that, came to investigate right when Rei was chasing me a few blocks north, found grampa instead, and BOOM! My very appearance set off a chain of events without so much as an action on my part. Good thing I handled that prick. Still, that introduced a whole new can of worms to the situation... I needed more info.

 

::User Post:: 

_So, let's up the stakes a little._

_Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion..._

_What would you do in the short term?_

_Long term?_

_Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know._

_What would you do with your information?_

 

I pulled my door and glanced at the clean team... Mitoto was now working on the floors with a mop she'd managed to produce from the garage. Ryoga was just out of sight in the kitchen, but something was getting moved. I bet it was the fridge.

 

"Yuck..."

Yep. How often does it get cleaned under there? God, I'd rather not think about it. Refresh.

 

::Tabi:: 

_Well, assuming you've made a few friends, you've learned lots about your situation._

_Level up._

_Get items that would benefit you. Learn certain skills that can benefit you. The multi-verse isn't all sunshine and flowers, you'll need the skills to survive every hop and hope you'll get out with as little injury as possible._  

Come to think of it... I had done that instinctively to a point already. Well, sorta... I turned down that big power up Washu had offered, not knowing I would have actually needed it. Refresh.

 

::Vlad III::

_What every self respecting SB would do of course._

_Take over the multiverse!_

 

::X on::

 _I'd take them over one at a time! Nothing can stop me_!-

 

Yeah sure...

 

  _-Short term survive._   _  
_

_Long term depends on what has happened._

 

Okay, that was more reasonable. Refresh.

 

::Winchester:: 

_Multiple random reality hops? Ouch, man. Especially given some of the fiction out there... I remember an old (80s is old? fuck, *I'm* getting old...) movie about some guy who got randomly jumped to the side of the character Biggles, from the W.E Johns books. Usually because the character was in mortal danger and needed rescuing. After the first couple of transports, the guy goes into super prepared mode, and sits in a hotel room wearing a helmet, a machine gun and god only knows how much ammo. Eventually he has to take a shower due to the stink. Guess when he 'ports? And he lands in a nunnery, to boot..._

 

I think my situation has been pretty close to that level of unpleasant thus far...

 

::Jonen C::

_I cite Arthur Dent._

_Try to just get on by. The universe will either ignore you (in which case you should get on fine) or it won't (in which case all bets are off and you should try to grab the initiative and take control of the situation)._

 

Grab the initiative...

 

::Whiteagle::

  _...Why does this sound like one of those Role Play threads where you wake up in bed with a girl from fiction?-_

 

Er... Yeah, I'll just let that one sit without a response.

 _  
_ _-Well the most prudent advice I can give is this:_

  _DON'T PANIC, and make sure you have your towel._

_Keep your cool, you could be what is essentially a Multiversal version of a wilderness survival situation, or you could just be in some sort of divine comedy._

_Ether way, you're going to need a clear head._

 

::Brellin:: 

_Short term is obviously survival and trying to figure out the trigger that causes the jumps in the first place. Assuming it is something I have at least a little control over I will attempt to discover ways to grant me more control, if it isn't (for example its a ROB being a dick) then I don't concern myself with it as it is beyond my ability to influence._

_Long term? Exploitation of absolutely everything I encounter. This can mean multiple different things, from making friends with powerful beings/entities all the way to asking The Culture to turn me into an E-dust Assassin in return for any information I might bring back with me on subsequent trips (assuming there are any). In short, if it can increase my personal power and survivability I will seek to exploit it in every way possible barring deliberate acts of evil. Obviously, this can change depending on the setting, places where evil is a matter of course requires that I too "up my game" so to speak so that I can survive, though at the bare minimum I will attempt to keep at least some shred of basic human decency regardless of where I am. At least, in regards to humans/near humans._  

_The real challenge, assuming I live long enough to aquire a decent amount of tech/abilities/allies is remaining sane and not allowing a sense of "I can do what I want because i'll never return here, thus can't be held accountable" to overwhelm me. In essence, trying to prevent myself from becoming the John Criton of the multi-verse._

 

Exploit everything? Hmmm...

 

::User Post:: 

 _So, the general idea in such a situation is either_  

_A: Duck and Cover_

_B: Exploit EVERYTHING._

_That sound about right?_

 

Luna suddenly laughed.

"This is surreal," she commented. "I mean, I'm watching myself panic, but the way these scenes are cut it's OBVIOUS that Rhett Butler has the last crystal."

"Now think about just how much more dangerous you've become with just that little fact," I commented. The feline looked at the TV, then back at me, then at the TV again.

"And you have everything in detail like this?" she asked. "It's like you were there the entire time. You even see what the enemies are doing. It's like... It's like."

"Sun Tzu," I commented with a smirk. "Know your enemy, know yourself, and victory is assured."

"I have to study this," Luna turned back to the TV. Heh... She was definitely prepared to exploit this if she could. Speaking of exploit... Refresh.

 

::Tabi::

_That does sound about right. Those are, however remember this clearly, guidelines. They aren't rules. You don't have to follow them. You can be chaotic neutral, evil, dastardly good, whatever. Your main goal is to survive and feel good about it. Theres also thinking short and long term._

 

::X on:: 

_Got that right. And before i forget don't forget D: Nuke it from orbit its the only way to be sure._

 

::Barricade::

_Gamebreak at the earliest possible times. If you know the main baddie is in the area hiding/watching, or is pulling a fake out, or whatever, or that you are right next to a 'nexus of power/power-up/sword that cleaves all evil/etc', you drop what you're doing and either get it yourself via blatant cheating, or helping the heroes get it, and still blatantly cheat._

 

::Rieverre::

_To paraphrase the latest season - yes, unless it involves children crying. Or pretty girls crying._

 

::Panaka::

 _What he said._ _  
_

_Be carefull. There may be laws of "nature that apply to a specific verse._

_Good always wins, anything is possible as long as it is funny, ect. Think about the movie Action Man by the Governator if that helps._  

 

I sat in my chair. I looked long and hard at the advice these guys didn't even know they were giving. If they only knew what was going on, they'd shit themselves. But, I think I had a handle on what to do.

 

::User Post::

 _Last Action Hero actually._ _  
_

_And good point._

  _So, Exploit everything, don't make girls cry... But Otherwise 'Raw Raw Fight Da Powah!'_  

 _Cool. I can dig that._ _  
_ _Anyway... I have work in ten minutes. I gotta roll._

 

[SUBMIT]

 

I sat back to think. Exploit everything. Stay alive, don't be an ass and make children and girls cry. Timelines be damned. My mere presence alone could screw everything to hell in a hand basket. Causality be damned. I'm not going to let some world end in fire and death just because of some stupid butterfly effect. I'm better than that. Pottery Barn Rule: You break it, you bought it. 

Idly clicking, went over to Youtube, quickly put in a search for[ 'Libera Me from Hell' ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2AxpaH56WY)and clicked on the first good link that came up...

Luna almost jumped when the same speakers that were blasting out crap quality sound of the old Sailor Moon season suddenly started drowning it out with a top quality opera singer. First order of business... Gear up. What do I need?

I left my chair, grabbing my car keys as the feline watched me curiously, then popped out the door.

"Do the Impossible See the Invisible," I chimed in with the song as I walked into the living room. Ryoga was holding the entire couch up for Mitoto.

"ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH!" 

"Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable," I continued with a smirk as I opened the front door. A song from Japan made fully in English. And it was epic and it fit the mood.

"ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH!"

Half way down the driveway, I hit the button on my keychain unlocking my car. Then made way over to the door and opened it, reaching down to pop the trunk. Walking to the back, I raised the hatch and looked around inside for a small backpack. Finding it, I quickly fished it out. It was a little triangular backpack I'd gotten from work a few years ago. One big strap that went over the shoulder like a bandoleer, a belt-like clip to make it stay in place... Never been used.

Locking my car back up again with a little chirp, I quickly returned to the house and my room.

"What are you doing?" Luna asked over the sound of the track I had started.

"Packing," I advised.

"Why?" Luna asked. "You're home."

I looked at the cat as I fished out two more brown shirts and several pairs of socks.

"But you aren't," I frowned. "And chances are, I'm not going to stay here when I go to sleep. A pattern is a pattern, and just because I'm home doesn't mean it will simply go away."

Ignoring any further commentary from the feline, I looked around. Clothes, Check. Glasses?

I grabbed my original glasses from their spot on my desk and stuffed them in with the clothes. I'd almost forgotten I was wearing an excellent pair made by Washu. 

What else?

I reached over and unplugged my electric razor. I'd need to shave. Then I turned on a thought and pulled out my air rifle case. Inside I fished out my IET Soldier's Handbook, and a pair of old but still good binoculars I'd found somewhere. There was a lot of information in that handbook that could come in handy, especially the first aid section. Plus, if I ever got back to Luna's home universe, those Senshi were going to get my own personal version of Basic Combat Training.

What else would I need? Besides the obvious weapons like the ones I'd left at the cafe? Tunes! How many times was I about bored out of my skull waiting to do something? I turned and whipped up my Ipod, plugging it into the USB port before grabbing just about every song I could find on my hard drive and uploading it. Good thing I was picky. Most of everything I had could fit on this one gig pocket piece. 

Thinking on that more, I grabbed my backup headphones, leaving my expensive Sennheisers in place.

I'm not exactly Batman, but If I'm going to be an Outside Context Problem wherever I go, I'm going to do it right! Where's my digital camera? I'll get photos of my stuff as proof. Twelve megapixels of photo of each and every DVD and Manga I have. Man this music was pumping me up.

Too bad I couldn't just take my whole computer. But I had to take only what I could carry. My laptop could work, but it was old, it was slow, and its battery was kaput anyway. It would just be dead weight.

I fished my keys out of my pocket and set them on a shelf, then noticed a pair of pliers I had sitting there.

Leatherman! Where was my Leatherman multitool? You never know when you're going to need a screwdriver... I rampaged around my room, tossing things here and there looking for it. Where the fuck is it?

I found it buried under a ton of papers in my box O junk where I tossed random things that didn't seem to go anywhere else. Why'd it end up there? I slipped the tool out of its normal holster and placed it into the phone holster on the backpack strap.

I got my camera and snapped a half dozen or so photos of every fiction in my collection, checking afterwards with the zoom to make sure I could read every title and see character images and such. Man this camera rocked. And I got it for Christmas too...

Looking at the screen reminded me of one more thing. The battery icon indicated about half charge. Turning out of my room, I quickly went to fish some Double As out of the place I'd put them, and stuffed them in my pack with the camera. 

My Ipod finished downloading the music I'd selected, so I grabbed that and its charger and placed both in next to the camera. Tech Tech Tech! A geek is nothing without his tech! As a minor thought, I grabbed the Mo Dakka Fo Life shirt and stuffed it in a side pocket. (Dirty.) I stuffed Motoko's dagger in with the clothes I had, and then put the crystal in too. Washu's beacon would stay in my pocket. Zipping up the pockets, I looked around the room one more time before slipping the whole pack on and adjusting it to fit. Did I grab everything that would be more or less useful in the field? 

As an afterthought, I reached over to a clipboard I had hanging on the wall, and plucked my Samurai Penguin Studios hat off it, then put it on.

"FIGHT DA POWAH!" the song exclaimed during a momentary musical gap, then launched into the climax. Heh, nice timing...

Bring on fictional reality! I was ready. As ready as I could get without something like power armor anyway. If I had no choice in this mess, I would make the best of it. Time to play the game by MY rules... I'm probably going to hate myself by some time tomorrow... But TOUGH. Either Reality is having an off day, or something, somewhere is taking a piss on my existence for its own personal enjoyment. Don't expect me to just roll over and bow to it. There is one thing I know that gives me the ultimate unfair advantage over everyone and everything I've met, and based on pattern, will likely meet.

I knew how everything worked in each reality. I knew who could be trusted, and who could not. I knew character histories, timelines, and even knew how the metaphysical concepts of some realities such as slapstick humor and poetic justice functioned. I could call every shot from a mile away if I so desired.

In short, I'm the most dangerous thing in all of fiction.

I'm an Outside Context Problem.

Time to act like one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank the denziens of Spacebattles who agreed to participate in a mock thread for the content of this chapter. Special shoutouts go to all the names mentioned above for their contributions. There were actually six pages of content totalling more than one hundred posts... And more material than I would dare derail a chapter with. These can be found in an appendix at the end of this volume.


	16. And lost again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Survival is all about adapting to your surroundings. Animals in the wild are often faced with such a challenge every day of their life. The world changes, things are different, and you are faced with new and complicated issues to resolve in order to continue existing.
> 
> In a prolonged scenario, your survival may depend more on your ability to process and utilize new information and resources placed at your disposal than any natural or pre-drilled skills. Improvising is a golden skill known to many to be quite charming and useful. Those who are good at it are often seen as ingenious.
> 
> Humans have long since mastered the exact opposite of this. The art of altering their environment to suit themselves. And in doing so, they have created a false sense of superiority which can be taken for granted. If you remove mankind's ability to make the environment bend to their will, what do you have?
> 
> The lesson is the core component of the survival story...
> 
> An animal that does not adapt to its environment cannot survive.
> 
> Ponder this as a part of the scenario.

* * *

**Chapter 16: And lost again**

_"Onward through the fog."_

* * *

 

"Okay," I commented as I made an adjustment to the shoulder strap on my backpack. "The way I see it, we've got two choices."

"And what would those be?" Luna asked.

"Well," I began, shutting my TV off. "Choice one is, I take a nap, we go wherever. Invariably I land in the bed of some girl from a fiction in my collection here, we have a nightmare of a time trying to survive, and I simply end up tired out and have to do it again the moment I pass out."

"Not advisable," Luna commented.

"OR," I continued. "Option two: We hitch a ride in Mitoto's little dimension hopping slipstream, and go wherever, without having to be caught in a compromising position."

Luna tilted her head.

"That is only barely better than the first option," she advised. "Even if you could stay awake long enough to get someplace useful, you're running out of time. I think Ami once commented to me on how a lack of sleep could be FATAL to a person faster than starvation."

"I'm aware of that," I nodded, cringing at the first thought of something I had been willfully ignoring. If I didn't get some sleep, the lack of sleep would kill me, even if none of the girls managed it. Or I simply wouldn't wake up, and that girl would get a free kill strike in. "But I have a theory..."

Popping the DVD out of the tray, I replaced it in the case and put the box on the shelf.

"Take that with you," the cat indicated the box, as well as season two. "I'd like to get up to date."

"You won't have DVD players for several more years," I pointed out. "Here in my world, it's twenty-ten. I'm over fifteen years ahead of you."

"We could always find a DVD player in one of these other worlds," Luna provided, seemingly unfazed by the time difference. Well, I guess I can understand. "It's worth a shot."

I shrugged. Though, the two season boxes took up a bit more space than I wanted. Taking the backpack off again, I went to work trying to cram them in next to a towel. While I did that, Luna presented me with a question.

"So what's this theory of yours?" she asked.

"Okay," I commented, growling at trying to fit a square peg into an octagonal hole. "It goes like this: Mitoto goes wherever there needs to be cleaning right? So her hops are not entirely random events. They seem random. But that's only because of the immense scale they work on. So staying with her, anywhere she goes, we go."

"That might as well be random as far as we're concerned," Luna commented with a shake of her head. "She goes where she needs to go... Not where you need to go."

"Almost," I commented. "But there is one place I KNOW she will go... HOME. Her home. At the very least, if we stay with her long enough, we go back to her home universe, and I whistle up Washu to pick us up. Budda-bing! Badda-bang! Budda-boom! She sciences up a way to get you home, a way to deal with anything else, and we dance we kiss we shmooz we carry on, we go home happy..." Pardon me, I'm quoting movies again.

"And what if you can't stay awake before then?" Luna asked. "That stuff the old lady gave you has what? Maybe an hour of effect left? If that..."

"That's the other part of my theory," I finally managed to tuck the two box sets into my bag in such a way as to be able to force it shut. "Mitoto seems to go where she needs to be... Emphasis, 'NEEDS' to be. She showed up at that cafe with frightfully good timing. And then of all the places, we ended up HERE... My house... Of all the places she could go on this planet that need a good scrubbing, why my house? Then I thought of something. What if it's not solely based on her needs, but the needs of those near her? I needed to go home, and my house needed cleaning. Since our purposes were aligned, her ability to get us where we need to be landed us in my bathroom."

"So you think we can navigate back to that café simply because you need to get that sleep deprivation remedy from the old lady?" Luna asked. "That's risky..."

"Well," I shrugged. "I was thinking that it might more be that Ryoga needs to go somewhere, but it's the best plan I can come up with in the time given..."

"Sounds like a stretch," the cat deadpanned.

"I know," I nodded. "But I'm pretty sure that we'll at least end up back in that world. Ryoga 'needs' to get back to his home universe at the very least. So as long as we stay grouped up with Mitoto, she's nothing but one big Mario Warp Pipe."

"What's a Mario Warp Pipe?" the feline asked.

"Usagi's never played Super Mario Brothers?" I asked incredulously.

"She plays Sailor V games non-stop when she can," Luna commented. "I don't think I've seen her play anything else."

"Isn't that a shooter?" I asked.

"Yeah..." Luna nodded.

God, that girl was a side scroll shooter fiend. No wonder she was trying to get after my shotgun. I should introduce her to CONTRA some time. Or DOOM... Was Doom out yet in her world? Never mind. Focus on the now. Beating a clue into Usagi's brain could come if and/or when I ever returned to that universe.

"Never mind," I continued at length. "Let's get going."

We left my room. I decided to make sure nothing could happen by locking the door again with the screwdriver before returning it to the tool chest in the garage. Mitoto looked to be finishing a round of mopping in the middle bedroom, Ryoga still acting as the stuff-mover. Now, having Mitoto clean the house from head to toe sounds like a pretty good one-time deal, but it'll just get dirty again. Besides, as much as she's cleaned already, my family would be in for a shock when they got home this afternoon.

Now, how was I going to do this? Mitoto's little bouts of wandering seemed to be random. But she goes where she needs to go when she's ready to go clean the next thing in her path. I don't think she'd leave her current project... So I guess that means I'd have to improvise. But how?

"You know," Ryoga commented into my thoughts. "I kind of wonder what you're doing making her clean YOUR house... Especially with me helping. Shouldn't you at least be helping instead of slacking off?"

I looked up to see Ryoga glaring irritatedly at me with his arms crossed over his chest. The comment just about derailed my train of thought. Ryoga was the type to get angry with others if he perceived them of any kind of underhandedness. Chivalric, but dumb, if not a bit of a hypocrite at times. The main problem though, was if Ryoga got worked up into a self-righteous spiel, he could very well kill me on accident. With normal people, I'd be inclined to ignore such a situation as absurd, or at least, not take such comments seriously. But as with Motoko's raging fits before, I knew quite clearly that this could turn lethal in seconds. I needed to perform damage control. NOW!

"I have absolutely nothing to do with what she decides to clean and where," I pointed out. "The only thing I'm responsible for cleaning around here is my room. And I don't want her in there cleaning it."

Mitoto seemed not to notice as wrung her mop out the back door. Where'd she get that mop anyway? That's not mine. Oh never mind, I won't try to wrap my mind around it. It just works that way with her.

"That still doesn't explain why she's here cleaning your house," Ryoga glared. "Or why you're making me help her do it."

Okay, I think I can step down just a bit. I could already tell I was a much faster thinker than he was. No sooner did he finish his first sentence than I had a response lined up.

"She cleans what she wants," I advised. "I'm not going to stop her. As for you..."

Ryoga managed to raise one eyebrow in that manner which silently said 'I'm waiting for your excuse'.

"You did it on your own just to keep busy as I recall," I continued. "I merely suggested it, you did it. It's your own fault."

Ryoga seemed to mull that over, then snorted with contempt and lifted a bookshelf up as Mitoto got under it.

"It's not like I don't have places to be," he muttered to himself. "Rather than cleaning your house."

Idea!

"Hey," I began. "Where were you going anyway? You looked a little lost earlier."

Instantly, I got a predictable reaction. Ryoga scowled fiercely, looking blankly at the wall as he recalled some memories.

"It's all RANMA'S fault," he growled at length. "I was going to meet him so I could pay him back for humiliating me in front of Akane."

Oh, perfect. Ranma grudge at full power. This would be easy; assuming my theory worked.

"So you need to get to him right away don't you?" I asked. "Teach him some manners?"

"The sooner the better," Ryoga smacked his fist into his palm. Then he looked a little sullen. "If I can find him, it's been a week."

"I think we'll get back just in time to give him a piece of your mind," I commented with a smirk. Please let this work. Mitoto might not get a clue, but whatever passes for her strange ability might... Work stupid thing. WORK.

"All finished!" Mitoto chimed as she grinned at the two of us. "Anything else?"

"No, I think we're done here," I pointed out quickly before I could let her realize there were still two bedrooms and a Garage to work on. "He does need to be someplace after all."

"Oh dear, we better let him get going then," Mitoto commented, walking into the hall. Picking Luna up, I quickly followed with Ryoga into my hallway.

And stepped out of a broom closet somewhere... Whoa, it's like the Matrix.

"What the-" the lost boy began. "Where the hell are we now?"

"Hopefully," I began. "Right where you need to be."

Ryoga looked at me incredulously.

"What do you mean where I need to be?" he asked. A moment later, someone came around the corner looking quite irritated.

"Who's back here?" she began. "If you're robbers I'll- Oh, Ryoga."

"Ukyo," I smirked to myself. Bingo.

"Ukyo?" Ryoga seemed surprised. Then turned dangerous. "Where's Ranma?"

"He's up front," she shrugged. "You're not still mad at him for the other day are you?"

"RANMA!" Ryoga started working himself into a fervor. This time, I quite simply slid one foot back, and shifted my weight. Best not to get on the bad side of an angry boar.

A second later he bulldozed past me and turned the corner, luckily the right way.

"Oh, hey P-Chan!" I heard a voice comment. "You come to eat too?"

"Battle stations!" I announced, knowing exactly what was about to transpire. "All hands man your battle stations!"

"Who the hell are you?" Ukyo turned back to me for a second. "And who's she?"

"That's Mitoto," I thumbed over my shoulder. Mitoto stopped to acknowledge with a greeting and went back to cleaning. "I'm just passing through. And I think Ryoga's about to turn the place upside down."

"Dammit!" Ukyo spun away around the corner. "If you two break anything!"

"Your theory actually worked," Luna exclaimed. "That was brilliant!"

"Well," I began. "We're off target. But it works somewhat. I guess Mitoto doesn't return to any place she's already cleaned. So navigation between any two points would have to be done indirectly."

'beedeedeedeep-beedeedeedeep!'

Oh, what lovely timing... I was just beginning to wonder when she'd call.

"It's me," I commented after pressing the button on the earpiece. I never did remove it did I?

"What happened?" Washu asked almost frantically. "I lost you, I mean completely lost you. And then you came back in the same place."

Completely? I would have figured.

"Completely-completely?" I asked.

"No signal," Washu snapped back. "Period."

"I went home believe it or not," I responded.

"Dammit!" I heard the scientist swear. "You went home and I got no data on the destination. You must be transitioning at the tenth, or eleventh dimensional level. It would take a Supervisor to track you down. No wonder I lost the signal."

"Hey," I interrupted. "Does the beacon save its records?"

"Yeah of course," Washu replied as if I had asked a question about something that was S.O.P. "I just can't access it from here. Only the live signal."

"Well," I continued. "I've got a plan-"

"Mitoto?" she asked.

"Mitoto," I replied. Wait... Get out of my-

"It's a logical plan," Washu interrupted my thoughts. Dammit! I said OUT! "Given reports I've collected on Mitoto's movements, it should be successful."

"Okay," I continued. "I'll call you back if it works."

"Roger that," Washu chirped. Then clicked off. I've got my eye on you Washu...

"So now what?" Luna continued. "You still need to talk to that old lady right?"

"Yes," I nodded, removing the earpiece. "We just need to get to her, and get back here before Mitoto finishes."

"Do you know where that is?" Luna asked. I paused.

Great! Point out something I hadn't thought about. Where was that cafe? I didn't know my way around Nerima Ward. I'd have to ask for directions. Thinking about it again, double great... I'd have to ask THEM for directions. Them being: the brawl going on around the corner.

"No," I began. "But I can find out."

I rounded the corner, and paused as Ryoga tumbled over the counter-sized griddle next to me with a series of hisses as he tried to keep his hands off the thing, growling angrily.

"Both of you STOP!" Ukyo demanded, trying to pin Ranma to a wall with a spatula.

"What's a matter P-CHAN?" Ranma taunted, evading the projectile without so much as a thought. "Is that all you've got?"

Oh, screw this... I took a step back into the doorway and looked around. If this worked on Shampoo, it can work again. After I found what I was looking for, I walked over past Ukyo as she dug under some equipment near the register.

"Ranma! You're scaring my customers away!" she half-yelled, half-pouted.

"Sorry Uchan!" Ranma responded with a laugh. "P-Chan's just being too pig-headed-"

"RANMA!!!"

"WHUH OH!" Ranma jumped away from a table as it got crushed.

A plastic cup, a cold tap on a hand sink... Two people who turned into something else when splashed with cold water. Notice a pattern? I sure did.

"If you guys don't-" Ukyo began, raising a spatula the size of a baseball bat. It looked like something that would be used by the local pizza place back home. Wait! That's exactly what it was. It's a pizza oven spatula. A pizza oven spatula for a girl who makes Japanese pizzas... And here I thought it was just a gag weapon themed for her... God I'm so dense sometimes.

"Don't," I began, grabbing the handle before she could give a swing. Ukyo stopped as Ryoga smashed yet another table.

"What?" she asked.

"Keep your cool and use your brain," I brandished the cup in my hand as I fell into an instructive tone I used from time to time. "Like this-"

And I flicked my wrist at the two combatants. A second later, a completely surprised black piglet with a bandana landed on the ground next to an equally surprised, redheaded female version of Ranma.

"Fight over," I concluded. "You really should invest in a water gun around all these Jusenkyo curses. They're dirt cheap."

"Uh," Ukyo began. "Thanks."

"Hey!" Female Ranma stormed up, grabbing me by the shirt. "Whadya' have to go and do that for?"

Authority tone time...

"Let go," I began. "NOW."

"You didn't answer my question," Ranma growled. He hates when people girlify him... Okay, don't pick a fight with Ranma. I can't win a fight against Ranma. And I don't have time for the long version. Cheat. Cheat. What's his weakness? Oh yes. Easy one...

"Hey Luna!" I stated loudly. "Come here."

"Yes?" Luna asked, trotting up.

"CAT!" Ranma yelped, letting go of my shirt and backing away.

"Thanks," I commented.

"Uh, don't mention it?" Luna somehow shrugged.

This was almost too easy. But then, the entire Ranma cast was damn near as formulaic as an algebra problem. Nabiki must make a fortune off such predictability... Still, it wouldn't be good to get too overconfident. Subscribing to Murphy's Law meant I had to be at least aware of the probability of some kind of cosmic backlash. It might apply even to me, or it might not. But one often never gets away Scot-free in this universe without some kind of karmic comeback. Rule of Funny? I best move on as fast as I can and stay alert. As far as I could tell, the 'stuff' was starting to wear off a little more. I didn't feel hyperactive anymore. I'm on a deadline. Two of them...

"Now that I have your undivided attention," I continued. "I have a question..."

Then I turned to Ukyo.

"Which way to the Nekohanten?" I asked.

"You're not lost like Ryoga are you?" Ukyo asked. Er... Well, I guess it looked like that. I showed up with him.

"No," I began. "I actually can navigate my way out of a wet paper bag. I just need to know where it is. I'm in a hurry."

"C-Cat..." Ranma stuttered again.

"Yes," I rolled my eyes. "Luna is a cat."

"And she talks," Ukyo pointed out confused.

"You've seen stranger I'm sure," I commented evasively. "Like I said, I'm in a hurry. I have to get over to the Nekohanten and back here before Mitoto finishes cleaning your back area."

"Why?" Ukyo asked. Gah! I don't have time for twenty-questions!

"Later," I advised. "Time's wasting. Just tell me... PLEASE."

Ukyo mulled on it. Oh god, why is it always when you end up in a hurry that everyone takes forever?

"Okay," she said at last. "Since you stopped Ranma and Ryoga from destroying the place..."

Ukyo explained the directions to me. A zigging, zagging pattern of left and rights on streets I'd have a hard time remembering. Or reading...

"Luna," I began. "You can read right?"

"Yes," Luna nodded. "You can't?"

"Not yet," I shrugged. "Let's go. You can read, so you navigate for me."

"Right!" the feline understood, and bounded out of the restaurant.

I was hot on her tail a moment later. We kept up the pace for about a minute or so until I had to slow back to a jog. Goddamn, of all the times to be out of shape, it had to be when I had to do the three-mile surprise run... Or however far we had to run. Instead of thinking, I just focused on the feline in front of me as she kept the pace. Before long, I even stopped thinking about anything except running. Inhale, exhale. One foot in front of the other.... Just make it to that lamppost, now that newspaper dispenser. Now that tree... Don't stop now! You're not authorized to die until AFTER the running is over.

This went on for an indeterminable amount of time until Luna suddenly stopped in front of a building.

Panting hard, and feeling as if my boots had become concrete slippers, I managed to shuffle to a walk, and put my hands on my head.

"This it?" I asked between breaths, trying to keep the flashes of color at the corners of my vision and the spinning sensation from taking over.

"Yes," Luna nodded. "Are you okay?"

"I'm out of shape," I began. "And I just," then gasped. "Ran a mile or two."

I walked around in a circle in front of the cafe, trying to will my body to calm down a little. Last time I'd run any significant distance, I had been conditioned for it, and I still pretty much wanted to drop dead. This was borderline masochistic behavior.

"Ah," a voice began. "There you are."

I turned to see Cologne peering at me from her entrance. She gave me a quick once over.

"I figured you must have somehow gone with Mitoto," she continued. "I never saw you leave. I trust your visit home was a productive one?"

What? How did?

"And before you ask," she continued, beckoning me inside. "You've changed into clothes that fit perfectly. And you're wearing boots that seem to fit, but aren't new judging from the scuff patterns. You also have a custom made hat that's not too old, but not brand new, which precludes you fishing out of trash heaps. The backpack you are wearing is full, no doubt with clothing that fits. And you have a tool of some kind on the strap there. My only conclusion is that you could only find stuff of this nature in a place where it was readily available to you. That place would be your home. Either that, or you're the most determined scavenger in Japan. And you don't strike me as the scavenging type."

I continued to try and catch my breath, unable to respond how I'd like to. Did Cologne really just pull a Sherlock Holmes on me?

"My only question," she continued, turning back to me. "Is why you decided to come back."

I kept my hands on my head to keep my lungs open, trying to force my breathing under control so I didn't get any more dizzy. Only an untrained fool would bend over to pant, as the resulting drop in blood pressure when you stood back up would literally cause you to faint. Good thing I hadn't eaten too. Otherwise, my lunch might have ended up on the floor.

"Water," Cologne handed me a cup calmly. "Drink, relax. You can answer in a moment."

I nodded my thanks and tried my best to down the glass between huffs. After a minute, I was calm enough to speak again.

"I think I discovered a fatal flaw in my plan Luna," I huffed, then indicated out the door. "I'll never make the return trip like this."

"I kind of figured that by the time we were half way here," the feline shook her head. "Do you have a backup plan?"

"Is Shampoo here so I can use her bike?" I turned to the ancient one.

"No," the matriarch commented. "Delivery."

"Then I don't have a backup plan," I turned to Luna. "So much for the Mitoto Express."

"I don't suppose that some of that remedy would give him enough strength to get back over where we need to go?" Luna asked, turning to the ancient one.

"I'm afraid it has no effect on one's stamina," Cologne shook her head. "Even though he wouldn't feel tired, he would probably just collapse. Is that what you came back here for?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "If I stayed with Mitoto, I would eventually be able to get back to Washu, who could probably sort things out a little. I wanted that remedy just in case I needed to stay awake through several of her little hops."

"I do not claim to understand how these 'hops' work," Cologne nodded. "But I'm guessing that even though you managed to go home, you couldn't stay even if you tried."

I shrugged. I don't know. I really don't. But I suspect I couldn't. Besides, I have a least an obligation to get Luna home at this point as much as I wanted to be home myself. Perhaps even greater obligations because of the side effects of my appearance. But focus on the now.

"Hmm..." Cologne paused to think, then bounced on her staff over to the corner of the kitchen, where I could hear Mousse grumbling away, and retrieved a small pouch, then bounded back over to me.

"Here," the ancient one presented them to me. "There are twelve of these. I put the remedy into chocolate as before, but the dose is weaker."

I sighed, but took the pouch. "Thanks, though I wish I could make it back over to catch Mitoto. Maybe I should have stayed there and risked falling asleep. I guess I could have just gone with the biting cat remedy."

"You taste like cumin," Luna shook her head. "I don't want to bite you more than I have to."

"Be glad he's not from India," Cologne advised. "A man who ingests lots of curry tends to smell like it."

"Blech," Luna visibly scrunched up. "No thank you."

"Anyway," the matriarch turned to me again. "If you hadn't returned, you wouldn't have had your weapons. You might have regretted the action considering you are not physically skilled enough to fight effectively without a firearm. You still might have ended up in a situation requiring self-defense."

"I guess you're right," I shook my head, unstrapping my backpack and placing it on the table. Then I went over to where my shotgun, webbing, and hip-pack were hidden right out of sight at the kitchen entrance and retrieved them.

While I did that, I could feel my energy seemingly starting to drain away. Man, that run about finished me off. And it probably about finished that remedy off too. I'd better get my gear sorted out.

I could wear all my gear, but I didn't need a tangle of different straps going every which way. So rather than wear the webbing and the backpack, I pulled the hip-pack off its strap and slipped it onto the belt strap of my backpack. Then I slipped the webbing holding my spare ammo off and ran the two straps through the carrying loop of the backpack, then down to the clip's loop. This way, the entire ensemble would be part of the backpack's shoulder strap. With just a click of the belt clip and shoulder strap clip, the whole thing would fall right off without any muss or fuss. Once it was all tightened up, I slipped the whole thing on and checked the fit.

While I was doing that, Luna and Cologne conversed quietly to one side. They finished about the same time I was checking the strap on my shotgun for firmness. Too loose and I'd drop it again. Too tight and I'd be in trouble if I needed to free it.

"I think we've come up with a way to get you some sleep," the feline announced.

"Oh?" I looked up from my adjustments. "What do you two have in mind?"

"It's simple," Cologne nodded. "It's only important that you get some sleep if I am correct."

"Yeah," I nodded.

"So we'll just use an old fashioned method," the matriarch continued. "We'll set a watch. When you go to sleep, you'll be holding the cat. Once you jump to your new destination, she'll assess the location and keep watch while you sleep. So long as she deems it safe, you get rest. If anything happens, she can wake you before it gets bad."

"I guess that'll work," I nodded. "I just have to wait until I wear out then don't I?"

"Actually," the ancient one commented idly. "I've had an experiment of my own I've been wanting to try for decades. Are you sleepy yet?"

"No," I shook my head. "Just worn out. Why?"

"Pick up Luna," Cologne instructed, jumping on the table. I suddenly had a feeling I knew where this was going. But I followed instructions anyway.

"Now," she began tapping me on the shoulder with her staff instructively. "I just wanted to make sure the effects were still occurring. This remedy has been widely used for centuries, but I have never been sure if its effects on pressure point techniques. On one hand, you become hypersensitive which makes pressure points highly effective. On the other, I'm unsure if pressure point techniques to put you to sleep will work when the stuff forces you to stay awake."

"So wait," I began. "You're going to test if you can knock me out while I'm doped up on that stuff?"

Cologne tilted her head. "Going to? Young man, I already did."

"What?" I asked. "When did y-"

Oh...

 


	17. Dealer or Dealt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you define good and evil? Are you a moral pillar of righteousness? Or would you kick every puppy and burn every kitten in sight? Or are you more human than that and things change on the fly?
> 
> Fiction is full of polarized views of good and evil, usually broken down into protagonists, and antagonists. But what happens when you have characters of such complexity, that such polarity cannot hope to encompass them? How would you interact with characters that are most certainly antagonists in their original medium? Could you deal with them on civil, or even FRIENDLY terms without compromising your own moral judgement?
> 
> Could you even be willing to act as an antagonist without compromising your principles?
> 
> It's a question of how human you are, and how far you're willing to examine the situation and rewrite the rules as you go.
> 
> Examine this during our latest instalment.

* * *

**Chapter 17: Dealer or Dealt**

_"Good, bad, I'm the guy making the reference."_

* * *

 

Rule Number One... Don't piss off the locals.

As I had learned over the course of my 'travels', the most powerful weapon in my arsenal was my wits. I am not strong, I am not fast, I am not even marginally imposing. But I'm not stupid. Between my intelligence, and my limited military training, I had just enough skills in crisis management to make use of the intel I had on each world. From that very first heart pounding moment when I awakened in Ayeka's bed, until now, I had managed to keep just enough wits about me not to do anything fatally stupid. I've preyed upon curiosity, psychological weakness, chivalry, and a good helping of incompetence in others to get this far.

But for all of that, one thing remained. I knew that the most important aspect of my survival was not in defeating opponents, but in making as many friends as I could. In terms of realistic ability, I'm the bottom rung of fiction. I'm the mook, the redshirt. I'm a useless extra whose only saving grace is a level of competency only seen by the characters that play the straight man position.

Sure I'm dangerous. And I've done well in the fights I've been in. But I had to think realistically. I only won those fights because I opted to pick my battles. I only participated in fights I was confident I could win. As an outside context problem, that's my strong point. But given the caliber of the people I had met, it was plainly obvious that I was better off with as few enemies as physically possible.

Thus, Rule Number One.

The premise of this rule drifted through my mind as I was awoken by what sounded like a backed up stovepipe. Actually, once my mind focused and my eyes opened, I realized it was snoring. The other odd issue was the sleeping position. Upright but supported at a slight angle. The more aware I became, the more questions were raised. I was in a very enclosed space, and while I wasn't claustrophobic, I was quickly becoming unnerved by the fact that I was in an absurdly tight space with a solid object barely farther away than my nose. I was pressed firmly up against the owner of this space, and their breath was right on my neck. No wonder I woke up.

Judging from the warm ball of fur still in my arms, I obviously still had Luna with me. Why she didn't wake me, I could only guess at. But I suspect that making me jump or have any sudden movements would probably have been a bad idea like this.

Working to keep my breathing under control, I tried to assess where I actually was. Cramped box thing with some sleeping girl, lots of padding on the sides... Was this a coffin?

The first thing that clicked into my head was 'Hellsing'. Oh, FUCK.

Keeping a tight control of my breathing, I opened a hand and tapped the feline in my grasp repeatedly with a finger. After a few seconds, I got a light poke from her claws in return. Okay, we're on the same page. Time to move, somehow.

Okay, first things first. We had to get out of this coffin. Assuming nobody actually slept in one that was nailed shut, the lid should open right up. I reached out and pushed on it, careful to keep my motions slow and my weight from shifting. I was up AGAINST the sleeper here. All I had to do to screw up would be to shift my weight, and this coffin really would be my final resting-place.

Speaking of rest, how much did I get? I feel a little better, but not exactly what you would call Mr. Sunshine.

Anyway, escape.

I pushed a little harder, decidedly glad that the lid actually moved easily to my touch. This would have been much harder to do if the coffin were resting fully on its back. Once I had the lid open enough to let my hand through, I gave Luna another tap and loosened my hold. The feline quickly jumped free to the ground and pushed the lid the rest of the way open.

Now came the hard part.

Idea one: Rock myself forwards until I pitched forward enough to step out? No, I'd rock back at least once and bump my current host. Host wakes up, rip-N-tear commences...

Dead... 

Idea two: Luna grabs something and pulls until I tip free and step out. No, nothing to grab, and I'm too heavy for the cat. I fall back into host, see above.

Dead...

Idea three: Risk moving too much and pull myself out of this coffin by grabbing the sides... Would that work? Well, it's not failed from the start like the others but...

I hate having limited options.

I gently placed my hands against the lip of the coffin and slowly began to pull with my arms. I felt them shake as I increased the pressure. Then, gut-wrenchingly slow, I shifted forward. My arms shook more as I tilted towards freedom. When this is all over, I'm hitting the gym.

Finally, I was far enough forward that I simply stepped right out of the coffin and into a dark room.

Quietly, I checked my equipment by touch, reassuring myself that I was still wearing all the gear I had started with. It was kind of surprising I could fit into a coffin with a cat in my arms, while wearing a backpack, with an occupant already there.

Speaking of occupant, I should see who it is for certain, and get a confirmation on the world I'm in, not a guess.

After a quick glance down at Luna, whose eyes reflected brilliantly in the relative dark, I turned to see who the hell snored so much in what could only be Hellsing. Though I suspect it's... I looked again and squinted.

...

It wasn't Seras Victoria... This wasn't Hellsing.

I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but remembered what almost happened last time I did that. My situation wasn't quite as dire as I had thought, but on the other hand, from the looks of things, I was still in trouble.

Because that blond haired woman snoring away like a steam locomotive with a clogged valve was Marller.

Ah yes... That would put me somewhere in the universe of Ah Megami-Sama... By the looks of my surroundings, the storage room of some building in the fictional prefecture of Nekomi. Good thing Marller was a heavy sleeper.

 

* * *

**World 6: Ah! My Goddess!**

(Romantic comedy with a divine pantheon right out of Norse mythology)

_"Heaven or Hell, Let's ROCK!"_

* * *

 

Okay, so the good news, I'm not going to get dissected by vampires.

The bad news?

I'm still out-classed by several orders of magnitude. Where there was Marller, there may or may not be, depending on my temporal position... Uh, time to go!

I turned to Luna quickly and pointed away with rapid arm motions. Move kitty! We gotta get out of here NOW.

Luna looked back at the coffin and seemed to understand well enough.

Now, much like before, my first priority would be getting out of here, quickly. Which way was out? I remember this place from a few scenes now that I've had time to think on it, but the scenes were never very descriptive. Just some dark storage room somewhere.

Quickly I worked my way towards a series of boxes stacked on each other to put something physical between that demon and myself. No need to have her wake up and feel violated. If being roasted by Sailor Mars sounded like a bad prospect, there was no telling what Marller might do. And she had no inhibitions about frying someone.

Once we were far enough away from Marller, I bent down to my traveling companion.

"How long was I out?" I whispered.

"Had to be a few hours," Luna hissed back. "I thought I was going to die in there, but I figured waking you in that position would have been dangerous."

"Good choice," I whispered back. "Can you find the way out? We've got to get out of here!"

"Why?" Luna came back. "Who is she? I can sense evil from her, but it's a strange kind of evil."

"That's Marller," I replied at a near hiss. "She's a demon first class, but she's not the one I'm worried about."

"Then who is?" the feline glanced about.

["Maaaa-chaaaan..."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0fFoKlg_PM)

My blood nearly froze. Exactly the voice I didn't want to hear!

HILD!

Luna's head jolted around towards the source of the voice on the far side of the room and her body went as rigid as a tent stake. It took a lot to make a veteran of fighting evil completely freeze up, but I knew what was less than ten meters away. The master of hell, the Daimakaicho herself... A source of evil energy so strong that despite having no sensitivity to the issue, I could feel a chill down my spine as she taunted Marller's name like a rattlesnake getting ready to bite.

Luna had probably never felt an evil force this strong, EVER. Even Metallia would be little more than a momentary amusement to Hild. Hell, Marller, while about as competent as a box of rocks, could bitchslap Beryl right off her throne and then turn her into a dinner plate or snow-globe for laughs.

Now, while that WAS amusing to think about; sadly, it was not Beryl who was currently in the same room as two of the greatest evils of this world, but ME. And personally, I don't want to be a snow-globe.

"Maaaa-chaaaan..." Hild cooed again.

I grabbed Luna and dragged her in close, then ducked behind a crate. No way out of here I could think of at the moment, better to duck and cover. I put my finger over my lips to indicate to the cat the depravity of our situation.

Even at one-one thousandth of her full self, Hild was a veritable nightmare. Cunning, capricious, and capable, all rolled into one powerful little package. Of course, Hild's idea of descending 'quietly' was hurricane force winds and explosions large enough to knock down buildings. Her favorite little 'game' as of late was sideling with Marller and playing antagonist to Belldandy's heart. Unfortunately for Marller, this was essentially: 'The CEO is on the floor, look busy.'

Now, while I was wary of how powerful the two were, I did feel a touch sorry for Marller. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever tried to do your job when your boss decides to hang with you for the day? Yeah, I'm sure you can sympathize just a bit there. 

While I kept our collective hide down and off the radar, I could hear Hild violently wake Marller by what certainly sounded like tipping the whole coffin forward and slamming it down on its face. Ouch...

Predictably, the result was a series of panicked yells from the blond demon followed by her snarling profane threats at whoever dared to disturb her recuperation. Predictably, said threats died in just a few seconds once she realized who it was that 'dared' to disturb said recuperation. It would be funny if I wasn't more than a half a dozen meters away laying flat on my stomach.

"H-HILD SAMA!" Marller gasped. And made with the groveling. No doubt I imagined Hild keeping a straight face while part of me suspected she was inwardly trying not to laugh her ass off. If I were in a position where my subordinates both feared and were awed by my presence, I'd probably play off it for shits and giggles too.

"Do you know you snore?" Hild asked in an almost playful tone. "It's really unbecoming of a First Class Demon to snore in her sleep like that."

More near gibberish groveling from Marller apologizing for her wretched state. I could almost see Hild simply waiting it out patiently. Milking it for laughs, but getting tired of it before long. After living with this kind of thing happening for so long, I'd probably get bored with it after a few moments and come to the point right about...

"So," Hild continued. "What kind of plan have you been working on?"

I couldn't time that any better.

"P-plan?" Marller asked, sounding genuinely confused. "I haven't fully recovered from the last plan. Why would I be planning something so soon?"

"Oh it's so cute how you practice lying Ma-chan," Hild continued. "You've got it quite so convincing. Except you really should learn to cover your tracks better. I felt that distortion four hours ago quite easily. What were you summoning?" 

Great, I'm making more ripples. And at least now I knew how much sleep I got.

"Summoning?" Marller sounded absolutely perplexed now. "What makes you think I was summoning something?"

"Ma-chan?" the voice of Hell's mistress turned icy. "If you don't tell me about this new plan of yours, how can we have fun with it? You do realize also, if you don't tell me, I'll just find out the HARD way right?"

"B-But I'm telling you! I have no idea what you're talking about!" Marller responded desperately. "Why would I hide my plans from you? In fact, who would be stupid enough to try hiding their plans from you?"

There was a long, tense pause which Hild was obviously milking, knowing full well that Marller wasn't quite stupid enough to try and tell a bare faced lie to her face. Marller was much too afraid of Hild for that. Instead, the Daimakaicho was probably pondering on what she had felt, using the pause to think about it rather than bother with someone as transparent as Marller.

Now, if Hild was using any of her powers effectively at the moment, she was probably probing the area for any sources of power, or life forms. However higher metaphysical sensory perceptions worked out... Don't ask me, I don't have ESP. 

However, I was a living thing, and I was practically at point blank range with an entity that pretty much picked up living things much the same way Doppler radar picked up a hail storm. In fact, if Hild had indeed detected my presence, she'd probably done so the moment she showed up, and was just humoring me. Or, maybe I was invisible to her as an outsider. I couldn't tell without asking, and she'd made no indication of detecting me so far.

Maybe it would be better to just crawl out of here and pretend I was never here. Getting mixed up with anything involving Hild was flirting with disaster. Just being around her had me second and third-guessing my actions before they even began. Hild was smart, really smart.

Yet, even as I thought about leaving, something started nagging. If I attempted to escape at this point, some kind of universal rule of comic irony would catch on, and I'd be caught in the act of escaping. Or worse, I was already caught, and Hild was actually smirking from right behind me. That thought was enough to make me twist and look over my shoulder.

Nobody...

Now, of course, the delayed version of this would mean Hild would be right in front of me when I looked forward again, waiting to catch with the follow up reaction for even greater hilarity. These layered situational jokes were complicated that way.

As I twisted forward, I locked gaze with a pair of demonic eyes, framed by Hild's lazy smirk.

I hate it when I'm right... I really hate it when I'm right. 

"Oh," Hild began, suddenly grabbing and lifting me by my pack strap. "So this is what you were hiding."

I saw Marller almost choke in surprise to my left.

"I didn't know you were into the slightly pudgy ones," Hild continue her false buttering tone. "But I guess even you want to have a little fun every once in a while."

Wait, is she implying what I think she's- No. NO! I did NO SUCH THING!

Marller seemed to be roughly on the same track of mind, turning a slight shade of red.

"EW!" she almost retched. "There's no way I'd do THAT with a human! I mean, HOW DARE he enter my chambers-"

It's a warehouse... And you have no idea. Based on Hild's still placid smile, she was intentionally baiting Marller into action, probably to see if she had the gall to get really... SHIT!

"Get off me Hild!" I snapped, bringing my arms up inside. I broke her hold with a quick twist and then shoved the mistress of hell backward into a pile of boxes. The only reason I even got away with that was sheer surprise I had attained.

Marller seemed shocked for a second that anyone would DARE to defy her boss. Time to capitalize on the moment.

"RUN FOR IT!" I instructed Luna, who bolted from beneath my feet. There had to be a way out of here, and we'd find it eventually.

I turned to run too, but only got two steps before I was almost yanked off my feet and pulled back.

"Why the hurry?" Hild asked with a genuinely dangerous tone, anchoring me to the spot with my backpack. Without thinking, I reached down and hit both clips holding my straps in place, and slipped right out of Hild's grasp, then sprinted after Luna.

"Marller," Hild instructed almost lazily behind me. "Stop him."

Dammit, why did it always come down to me running for my life? WHY? Every time I do one of these blasted hops, I end up in a life or death situation. Just once or twice would it be too much to ask that I didn't have to try not to get killed every time I woke up?

There was that familiar feeling of my hair standing on end, and something hit me lightly in the back. Okay, what did that first class demon hit me with? A pebble?

"WHAT THE-"

"I guess you're hopeless," I heard Hild almost sigh.

Again, something hit my back, even harder.

"This way!" Luna caught my attention from the right. An exit! All I had to do was get out into the open, and Hild would be less inclined to take the direct approach. But if I knew Hild well enough, I'd never get there.

Something hit me in the back again.

"Interesting," I heard the mistress of hell casually remark. Then something zipped past me and smacked into Luna, who fell to the ground as an alarm clock.

That's it!

My running halted as I planted my foot, Mossy slipping around on its strap and into my grip, my hand thumbing the safety.

It was probably a useless gesture against someone like Hild, but what choice did I have? My weapon came up to eye level as I whirled in place. Marller seemed to respond more to the weapon than her boss as she recognized the barrel of a firearm.

"HILD-SAM-" 

Mossy barked and a box exploded into a cloud of debris. Dammit, I twitched just a bit too soon. I chambered another round with a pump, and tracked the weapon towards Hild. It won't kill her, but it might sting...

A second shot lit up the room. And even as it did so, I knew she'd teleported, the box behind her exploding into a cloud of papers.

Just like with Zoicite, I knew where she was going. And this time, I was faster. I came about, my grip shifting to clock Hild good and hard with the stock. Again, probably useless for more of anything but the pure shock.

My blow didn't land though. It stopped about half way to the Daimakaicho's face, the stock resting against Hild's outstretched index finger.

"My, aren't you the feisty one," she commented idly after a moment. I just locked gazes with her, trying to think of any way to counter her. But her smile reminded me I was completely out-classed. In fact, I should probably calm down. As long as Hild had that smile on her face, I was probably playing right into her hands.

Come to think of it, my entire reaction was probably all too common and predictable. I had fallen right into her little trap of amusement like a cute little rodent to a cat. If I was going to salvage this situation, that stopped right now.

"Fine," I seemed to answer an unspoken command, and pulled my weapon back with a jerk. "You cornered me, happy?" 

Hild's smile remained, but she wasn't masking herself with that seemingly vacant stare anymore. I had her attention.

"Actually," she began almost conversationally as I resafetied my weapon. "I'm curious... How did you do that?"

That was the second time I heard that line.

"Do what?" I asked.

Hild flicked her wrist, and Luna returned to normal with a puff of smoke.

"That was different," the feline exclaimed in a daze.

"That," Hild indicated. "You managed to block it. Quite an impressive feat for a human."

I looked at Luna, who was shaking off her daze, and then back to the mistress of Hell, then twisted my head. What was she playing at now? I didn't block anything.

"Is this a game Hild?" I asked.

"Who?" she began innocently. "Me? Play games?"

Then she suddenly leaned forward, eyes glowing bright red as she grabbed me by my shirt. Luna visibly cowered in fear. Even Marller seemed to duck as if expecting a bomb to go off.

"Let's not play dumb now," she smirked viciously. "Marller hit you once, and I hit you twice. And I don't make mistakes, especially twice. You should be a cactus right now."

Is that what hit me? Wait, she hit me with those little 'you get turned into a frog', or whatever she deemed to turn you into, curse dart... things? I was hit, and nothing happened?

Okay, this had to be related to what Washu told me about Medium Transfer Principle. I have no quantifiable magic in my world, so magic must have no affect on me. That had to be it; that's also why Zoicite couldn't feel me! No magic and no quantifiable life force! I'm a VOID!

So I can't be detected directly via magic, and I must be immune to it if a shot from the top tier being from this world didn't even faze me. Well, so long as it carried no physical components, Zoicite's attack had still thrown me through the air. And it's probably also why I'm not cowering in fear from that full force evil glare that Hild was sporting. Without any ability to sense evil power, her fear projection was completely useless!

Which means, I have leverage against Hild. Not a lot, but it's enough to capitalize on. And if I'm going to capitalize on it...

"Well?" Hild seemed to be getting impatient.

Suck on this...

"You know," I smirked. "When you use that little evil glare trick in that form, it comes across more as cute than deadly."

The red-eye glow was gone with almost an audible pop as Hild made the most confused expression. That's the ticket! Think outside the box. Make unexpected moves. I'm an outside context problem, I don't act like anyone else here. To me, you're just a character with complex, but identifiable personality features. I know you, and you know nothing about me.

"So have you managed to convert Belldandy to the DARK SIDE yet?" I probed with a little 'over-knowledge'. "Or were you taking your time tod-"

Hild grabbed my shirt with both hands and slammed my back against the wall. Ouch.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" she seethed, glowing again. "Tell me, or I might just feed you to Garm."

Okay, physical slaughter I was NOT immune to. But that reaction was a dead giveaway that I'd managed to get under her skin. Now it was a matter of who took control of the initiative here. If she was a stereotypical 'evil manipulator', she was resorting to the brute force fear method of psychological warfare. And it was working, but I couldn't let her know that. So I mustn't let her scare me. I needed to bluff, bluff for my life. Bluff man BLUFF!

"You could," I tilted my head. "But you won't."

"Oh?" Hild raised an eyebrow. "Really now?"

"Really," I nodded. "Slaughtering me wholesale wouldn't get your question answered, and I know you're too smart for that."

Careful what you say. Snipe at her, but don't PROVOKE her... If she gets provoked, she WILL hand you over to Garm as a new chew-toy. Mix a bit of ego stroking in with that snipe.

"You seem confident that I won't," Hild started to slip back into her grin. Okay, she's a master of the poker face, and that little slipup proved that she COULD be rattled if you knew how to do it. And there was a chance that if she couldn't scare me, she would go for the hero manipulation routine by threatening Luna. I had to beat her to the punch. Two can play her mind games.

"It's only logical," I commented. "Kill me, and you lose the most interesting thing to show up since you started working Belldandy for emotional reactions. What a waste, and you've never struck me as the wasteful type."

Hild let go of my shirt, allowing me to stand on my own, and crossed her arms while reclining in mid air as she studied me. Then, she blinked, put a hand over her mouth, and [started to laugh.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KWgzq6gVA)

"You're a transient!" she laughed out. "I haven't seen one of those in centuries!" 

Hild turned to a still cowering Marller and beckoned her over.

"Ma-chan!" she chirped with glee. "Come here, look at his code. His dynamics are totally alien to this world."

The first class demon looked up curiously then scrambled to follow instructions.

"You almost had me fooled," Hild returned to me with a devilish smirk. "I thought 'HE' had sent someone to interfere with my plans. But now that I've actually taken a moment to look at your physical code structure, it's obvious."

"Whoa," Marller chimed in. "You're right, his code IS different. How'd he get here?"

"That's a good question Ma-chan," Hild smirked. "Perhaps he would care to enlighten us?"

The last statement was more directed at me than Marller. How do I explain to them that I've been spontaneously jumping from reality to reality every time I go to sleep, without compromising my information superiority?

"You don't," Hild interrupted. "But that's an interesting story."

Blasted mind reading... I guess I can't escape every magic trick completely.

"Care to elaborate for me?" Hild continued sweetly. "I'd really like to know how you know so much about us."

Oh no! You did NOT just try a leading question! I'm not dumb enough to THINK about the answer. Try reading flibbity-gibbet gobblygook! LALALALALAA!!!! I can't hear you over the sound of how AWESOME I AM!

Hild cocked her head to the side, then smirked.

"Ah well," she smiled. "Too bad Luna doesn't have such mental discipline. Fictional characters indeed..."

Dammit Hild! You just HAVE to be one step ahead of everyone, don't you? 

"Yes," she grinned. "Because knowledge is power."

And you like power...

Hild paused and looked at me.

"Nice phrase," she blinked. "I think I'll keep it."

I sighed and shook my head in exasperation. There was pretty much no salvaging my position now.

"Look," I continued. "I think you've proven your point, exerted your influence, and secured your absolute power of the situation. Do you mind giving my thoughts a little privacy here?"

Because if you don't, I'm going to start thinking about the leekspin theme over and over again until the sappiness drives us both mad! GET OUT OF MY MIND!

"Fine fine..." Hild rolled her eyes. "Some people just can't take a joke."

"I've not been having the best of times," I continued. "I'm sure you got the basic idea reading Luna's mind. Just trying to get by has been one exercise in self-defense after another. So spare me the cloak and dagger demon routine, at this point it just doesn't work."

Hild eyed me calmly, then returned to a standing position and floated to the ground.

"Very well then," she commented idly. "You're more interesting ALIVE anyway... This would be a good opportunity to teach Mar-chan here all about transient humans." 

Great, I was a Show-&-Tell project for a first class demon. But at least she wasn't going to do anything UNSPEAKABLE to me. At the very least, I was interesting to Hild. Good thing or bad thing? 

"One interesting thing about transients," Hild explained to Marller, "is that you cannot corrupt them directly. There are incompatibility issues with the code to consider. And many of them may be, much like this young man here, completely immune to interference and code manipulation. So the usual book of dirty tricks isn’t really of any use. You have to use your head."

"If I can't corrupt him directly," Marller began. "Wouldn't it be better to just pick another target?"

"Ma-chan!" Hild feigned shock. "Where is your drive to expand our share? Just because you cannot corrupt a transient directly does not mean they cannot be corrupted. There is always a challenge in them, but the rewards of success are always good."

"What's going on?" Luna asked me.

"I've become a visual aid," I responded.

"Corruption starts with their innermost desires," Hild continued. "And transients almost always have one easy to locate desire above all else."

Hild then turned to me and smiled.

"Do you know what that might be?" 

Marller seemed to think on it. And Hild was obviously inviting me to participate. What did I desire most as one of these 'transient' beings? Well, if I were to hazard where she was leading, this was easy...

"Home," I interrupted the two. "Transients always want to go home."

"Excellent!" Hild exclaimed. "Now, how would you corrupt someone like that?"

"Promise them some kind of method to return home in exchange for a contract," I cut in before Marller could respond. "Except you neglect to mention that the fine print says that you cannot guarantee the success of that method or the survival of the person in question. Only that you would provide a method." 

Hild looked at me genuinely astonished.

"Exactly!" she chirped. "How'd you learn about that?" 

"End User License Agreement," I shrugged. "Once you've read one, you've read them all."

Hild nodded in understanding. I might just be able to salvage something here after all. Perhaps... a lecture for a lecture. Make myself more interesting to Hild. Maybe I can get something out of this.

"Okay Luna," I began. "Let me explain this world real quick."

The feline next to me straightened up as I indicated the two in front of me.

"The world we're in is a place containing three separate but interconnected planes of existence," I began. "Heaven, Hell, and Earth. Currently, we're on Earth. Earth is pretty much run by a massively complex super computer that controls reality itself, named Yggdrasil. I won't get into that too much because I think it's above the both of us to go into detail. But the long and short of it is that there are gods, and devils in this world. In front of us, we have an excellent example of the latter. We have two high level demons. Specifically, a first class demon, and the master of hell herself."

Luna looked once and did a double take when the comment sunk in.

"What?!" the feline backed up behind me. "HER?!"

"Yes," I nodded. "HER."

"We're so dead," Luna almost whined.

"Doesn't work like that here," I rolled my eyes.

No, it didn't. Actually, in this realm, the forces of 'good' and 'evil' were more ambiguous and outright vague than being forces of creation and destruction. As I explained calmly to Luna, Hild was more like the CEO of a very large, corrupt corporation than any kind of force of destruction the way Beryl was. All in all, the interplay between the two forces on Earth was more passive because both sides knew a full-scale conflict would be counterproductive. Both sides were evenly matched.

Instead, they worked quietly to sway the population of Earth to one side, or the other. The gods and heaven to the side of righteousness and happiness, the devils down the path of selfishness and depravity. For the most part, it remained well balanced. So being 'evil' for Hild and Marller was more like a day at the office. Of course, this didn't mean they were upstanding people. Marller and Hild were both morally questionable, not that I commented about that last part out loud. I explain things, but I'm still not yet suicidal.

Hild seemed to enjoy my explanation and conjured up a stack of paperwork to dump on Marller as a bit of a visual example. Marller wasn't too thrilled about getting buried under stacks of legal documentation as high as she was tall, but made no voice to object Hild's move.

The next thing I explained was the wish granting system. Both sides also granted wishes. The gods in heaven would sort through people's lives carefully, selecting those who were genuinely good, kind people, who might be down on their luck or doormats, and send an agent to grant one wish.

Demons however, were a bit less picky, but their system was technically more restrictive to the wish-maker. To make a wish contract with a demon, you had to provide a good or service in return. A little Quid Pro Quo...

Now, for me I was theorizing that even though anyone could approach a demon and get a wish, only rarely could you ever get a good wish out of them. Usually by having something they too desired to make a high value wish worth it. The other issue to watch out for was what I was going to call 'Wish Lawyering'.

Ever heard the term: "Be careful what you wish for"?

Exactly what it says on the box. When dealing with a demon, it would probably be wise to get a team of lawyers to word your contract. Recall the 'fine print' comment I had made to Hild's little query on corrupting... well, me. Demons will obey a contract, but you can bet they will try to find any kind of loophole to avoid having to do any more than absolutely required of the contract to fulfill it.

So thus, while the demon's wish system was easier to get a wish out of, getting a GOOD wish out of it was just as uncommon as the heavenly wish granting system. 

All this thinking of wish granting got me wondering if it might be possible to get a contract out of the two. I wouldn't bother to wish for anything like going home. As even if I did get that wish somehow, it wouldn't cover the fact that I'd probably jump again and be right back at square one. Then there was the question of whether it was even possible to get a wish as an outsider, and if I had something they might want.

Still, exploit anything and everything. And if I could just weasel a favor out of them, it might come in handy. You never know.

So first off, what do I want? What can I GET? And of course, do I have anything to trade in return?

Any kind of magical alterations to my body are out of the question of course. I'm null to their condition-altering magical power. Likewise to any kind of magical items... I just can't operate them. Let's face it, I have no idea what I may want or need come this time tomorrow.

And again, what do I have to offer them? The most interesting item on me would be that rainbow crystal I picked up. I still haven't told Luna I swiped it either. Other than that, I just had my knowledge of the setting.

So what did I have? What did they want? 

Marller just wanted to do her job and drive the Goddesses back to heaven, and I couldn't exactly force them out. And Hild? Hild wanted to mess with Belldandy. I wouldn't be able to do anything useful there, and Urd would basically catch on to her mother's influence before it got too far.

Wait a second...

There WAS one other thing Hild wanted. She wanted it badly. And it might just be something within my power to get for her. Something that my in-depth knowledge of the characters and setting gave me a decent chance in succeeding at.

It was leverage. And if the Daimakaicho was willing to personally take care of something in an attempt to get this at least once, this was GOLD. No, this was better than gold, it was uranium ore in a nuclear weapons program.

Now I just had to be convincing.

"So," I began to Hild, who was busy examining the backpack I had previously discarded in my escape attempt. "Are you guys interested in," I made quote marks with my hands, "expanding your share?"

Hild stopped, and I almost felt it as she gave me a calculating gaze.

"An actual contract with a transient?" she pondered aloud, then her expression went flat. "Mar-chan," she instructed. "How would you like to make a little demon history?"

"No," I shook my head. "Not her."

They both looked at me rather surprised as I raised my hand and pointed.

"YOU."

Everyone froze.

"Are. You. INSANE?" Luna whispered at my feet. Shut up cat, I'm totally out of my mind from a lack of sleep, and constant stress.

"Oh?" Hild relaxed into her poker smile again as she feigned intrigue. "And what makes you think you have anything I could possibly want?"

"You read Luna's mind, right?" I asked. Hild nodded slowly.

"To you, I was merely a character in a story," she smirked. "So you must know how high the price would be."

"Then you must also realize," I locked gazes with her. "That I don't merely know who you are..."

I tilted my head, trying my best to look dramatic.

"I KNOW you," I continued. "I know EXACTLY, what you want."

Hild maintained her poker smile.

"And what makes you think you could possibly get Belldandy?" she smirked. "She continues to surprise me despite some of my best efforts."

Hild just admitted barefaced she wasn't perfect. It takes a lot to get past that little facade. She was interested. Now the matter was if I could seal this thing while ensuring we were more or less on even grounds. Matching wits with her level of cunning was not something I could keep up if she took the lead.

"This has nothing to do with Belldandy," I stated. "And everything to do with Urd."

The smile vanished. The disdainful act vanished, Hild straightened up and landed flat on the ground, looking at me more seriously than I'd ever seen her to this point. She was thinking, HARD.

"I know what you want," I reinforced my comment, letting a smile cross my face. "Exactly, what you want."

Hild was thinking. Making Hild think was not what I would call the most simple of tasks. It also wasn't the safest of tasks. If Hild was thinking; there was scheming involved. And scheme for scheme, I couldn't possibly hope to out-plan any network of intrigue she could think up. I mustn't get cocky just because I got a reaction out of her. If I went around assuming even for a second, that I had a position of superiority over her, she'd ultimately show me up. Better to keep paranoid and expect a trap at every phrase.

"And what would you get out of the contract you're suggesting?" she asked, a slight smirk returning. I was quickly learning, the more pleased Hild looked, the more in control of the situation she was. How, could only be guessed at, but Hild was 'safer' when she wasn't grinning.

In response to her question, I shrugged. Hild's smile faded and she tilted her head.

"You would enter into a contract with ME without so much as an idea of what you want, knowing full well the risks?"

"Risk equals reward," I chimed the Burnout Three game motto. "At the worst, you leave me high and dry and I'm no better off than where I started. At the least though, I'll have a favor to cash in on."

Hild floated forward and right up to my face.

"And what makes you think I'd value your 'favor' equally?" she asked, looking dead serious.

She had a point. But then again, she probably had me figured out. Or she might be serious. The best I could hope for would be to assume the former. Assume she's playing me for a sap, and plan accordingly.

"I don't," I admitted. "But that's a risk I'm gonna have to take."

Hild smiled. A piercing, glare of a smile completely different to her poker smile. She then floated back and looked at Marller for a moment. Now, maybe this would be a moment for some time pressure.

"Going once," I began, holding up a finger. Both demons glanced at me for a second.

"Going TWICE," I continued, raising another finger.

"Very well," Hild replied with a straight face.

At my feet, Luna looked completely aghast.

"You can't seriously be thinking of making a deal with a being of pure evil," she gaped.

Hmph... Welcome to the gray area between good and evil Luna. In reality... well, other realities... the bad guys aren't as easily defined as Zoicite. In fact, enough moral ambiguity made good and evil subjective to one's personal perspective.

"So," Hild's poker smile returned. "What are the conditions you have in mind for this contract." 

There was a pause, and then I remembered one important piece of legal advice.

"I want this in writing," I began. "No documentation, no contract."

Hild snapped her fingers and a sheet of paper appeared next to her, a feather pen likewise appearing a moment later. Classic...

"I hope you know what you're doing," Luna almost moaned. Frankly, I hope so too.

"Okay," I began, ignoring my stomach. When was the last time I ate? "Team huddle."

Hild reached out and pulled Marller into a little football-styled huddle as I began to explain myself in more detail. In the back of my mind, one thought kept screaming.

This was INSANE.


	18. Misfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At one point in the story, there was a passing comment on Murphy's Law concerning plans. The long and short of it is that no plan survives contact with the enemy.
> 
> While it is entirely possible to plot out an entire sequence of events perfectly, sometimes you may find yourself making unexpected moves out of nowhere.
> 
> In strategic planning, one often hits situations like this out of nowhere simply because the Other Side does something that they didn't expect. A simple plan can go horribly wrong simply because the opposition doesn't do what you want them to do.
> 
> Sometimes this can work backwards too. Sometimes it doesn't go as you planned, it goes better.
> 
> Sometimes both happen at the same time. What do you do?
> 
> Make the best of it.
> 
> Let's make the best of this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 18: Misfortunate**

_"Best fool ever..."_

* * *

 

Rule Number Two: Either get useful, or get out of the way.

As far as my experiences leading up to now go, I've definitely noticed a kind of duality regarding my presence in these worlds. As it stands I'm either a wrecking ball, or a fly on the windshield. It seems to be related to how useful I can make myself. The more I apply my knowledge, the more devastating I become.

So it became plain to me after my planning session with the two demons that I would have a choice to make. I can either take charge of the situation like I did against Zoicite, and COMPLETELY ruin someone's day, or I can keep my sorry carcass out of the way such as I tried my best to do back at Hinata.

There was no middle ground.

If I half ass it, the results could be fatal. Either play for keeps, or sit out of the game.

It should be clear enough what I did this time around.

When presented with the choice between getting (most likely) victimized by a pair of morally questionable demon girls, and taking the risky action of trying to exploit the situation for an advantage, I opted for the choice that had at least a chance at benefits. 

Personally, I thought making a contract with Hild – literally, a deal with the Devil – to be somewhat insane. I'm sure there would be a whole lot of people who would agree with that sentiment as well. However, I trusted my judgement in this matter based on what I remembered about Hild. And as they say: If it's crazy, but it works, then it's not crazy.

Of course, Luna was not the type to understand that concept. Despite seeing the difference in competence between her normal charge and myself, the feline was not inclined to follow my every move blindly. I suppose that I couldn't really blame her. In retrospect, my conversation with Hild was like walking on eggshells. I hadn't really noticed at the time just how thin the ice really was because I was too focused on simply doing, rather than contemplating the gravity of it. Sure I knew I was treading through mudslide country where shit flows downhill very quickly, but the full impact of what I did didn't hit me until an hour later.

Luna made full clear what she thought of that so many times that I was starting to get a headache.

Actually, no. The headache was from only getting four hours of sleep when I needed a whole lot more. Luna's complaining just didn't help things any as we made our way towards Tariki Hongon Temple.

"This plan is absolutely ludicrous," she griped exasperatedly. "It's like something Usagi would cook up. What makes you so sure this will work?"

"I'm not sure it will work," I commented idly. "But as I told Marller while we were planning it. KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. A simple plan, with a simple objective. The fewer variables we have to keep track of, the better."

"I understand that much," Luna commented dryly. "But the very concept itself is just absurd. Do you really think you can pull something like that off?"

"Hild made all the arrangements already," I replied. "I just have to do my end, and assuming Murphy doesn't dick with us TOO much, we fulfill our end of the bargain to satisfaction. If anything goes wrong, there's always the escape clause I demanded."

"Fine," the feline shook her head. "But I still don't trust that woman, demon, devil..."

"Neither do I," I admitted. "But then again, it was a rock and a hard place at the time. So I just went with it."

"So is this really just a way to get away from her?" Luna continued.

"Oh HELL no!" I shot back. "The Evil Overlord List-"

"What's this Evil Overlord List?" Luna interrupted, but I ignored her question. "You mentioned it a few times back there like some kind laws of nature."

"The Evil Overlord List Number Fifty-four," I continued. "I will not strike a deal with the devil and then attempt to double cross her.' That NEVER ends well. As for the list, it's just a set of cliches that lead to the downfall of every fictional villain. Or rather, a list of rules to obey so a villain DOESN'T fall to those cliches. Besides, I wouldn't attempt a double cross anyway while we have Senbei with us. That would be tempting fate just a bit too much for my tastes."

"Why do we have him with us anyway?" Luna asked. "He's an eye sore."

"WHY?" came the response in horribly accented English from the character sitting on my shoulder.

Senbei, god of poverty and misfortune and all around six-inch high, gaudily dressed, blond haired sidekick of Marller. Not the most intelligent of sidekicks I'm sure, but he had his uses. Even as he launched into a rather absurd sounding tirade about his credentials emphasizing certain points with sharp, loud comments in bone jarringly crappy English phrasing.

But he was critical to my plan. Oh yes, my plan. The plan was a simple three-step affair. To get what Hild wanted was not something I had an answer for right away. But after discussing the issue for over an hour over a couple of Marller's leftover TV dinners, we managed to lay out the groundwork for a piece of psychological manipulation that would make Gendo Ikari lace his fingers and smile behind reflective glasses. The trouble I encountered though was that Marller's version of the plan was so flamboyant it was doomed to failure. What was worse was that despite all her cunning, Hild was prepared to back the concept fully.

It was not easy to convince the First Class Demon that her plan was dead on arrival. I had to point out just how impractical and attention consuming some of the parts were, and that some of the steps were so utterly convoluted that they had all the subtlety of a jet turbine in a library. I mean seriously, every plan I remember involving Marller was a simple matter of being over planned. When I mentioned that, she looked rather surprised. If it had surprised Hild though, I could only speculate.

Anyway...

The fix I suggested threw out everything but the core component we needed. It was Hild who then caught on and doctored it up with her own brand of devilishness. I'll admit, I enjoyed our little War Room session. But I got the impression that the entire time Hild was measuring me up. I had to remind myself that when it came to her, it was a scheme within a scheme. And whatever I was doing, she was probably running a scenario under the table. She knew full well at this point how much knowledge I had on hand, and I knew it would be irresponsible NOT to account for that.

So anyway, the first part of the plan was simple enough. Infiltration, but with a twist of lemon. Obviously I was the one to infiltrate thanks to being the unknown factor, and my comprehensive knowledge. But the twist was thus:

I was to infiltrate as a demon. Well, to be precise, a demon taking a day off.

Why I had to act as a demon was step three, and until I got to that part, step three didn't matter. But that of course, left me in the precarious little situation of pointing out that I was powerless, and thanks to my 'transient' status, I was a kind of power void. Any fool reading my aura or whatever they use to detect each other would realize that I'm not a demon at all.

The solution? Mask it. That's where Senbei came in. The little demon god was more or less undetectable by the goddesses, but could give off an aura of negative energy that would seem like an ambient negative 'glow' on me. So long as nobody looked for Senbei specifically, 'I' was the source.

After that, it was a simple matter of Hild arranging for my 'vacation' through a mere phone call. I could almost imagine the look of total shock on Urd's face when that went through, and even more so the shock when Hild verbally strong-armed the arrangement that she had a high level demon on her staff that needed a break. And wanted to know if the temple would be a nice, accommodating place for that break. Followed of course, by the predictable method of getting everyone else 'agreeing' to it by not letting anyone get an objection in edgewise. You know how that goes...

Now, as a 'demon' I was certainly going to be suspect number one on the list of troublemakers. But that was the beauty of it. At no point was I going to cause any kind of trouble. If they suspected me of anything nefarious, they'd run around in circles going nowhere. It was simply misdirection. In fact, most of the plan was dedicated simply to misdirection. That's what was so good about it. The core component of the plan was simple, and all the rest of it was nothing more than layers of window-dressing. Should anything go spectacularly wrong, the plan still stood a good chance of success simply because most of the plan, wasn't even part of the plan. So to speak...

Now, what was Luna's part in all this? Well, the kitty was my demonic familiar slash sidekick. Face it, she's a talking cat with a mark on her head. That's pretty legit and would help with the charade.

So here I was, walking right up the road to the temple with Luna at my side and Senbei on my shoulder. Hild, of course, had my shotgun, and my pack. I couldn't very well go wandering around Nekomi in broad daylight with a firearm. I still can't believe I wasted two rounds trying to shoot Hild like I did. STUPID STUPID!

"Remember," I glanced at Senbei for a moment as the temple entrance crawled into view. "Keep out of sight, keep quiet, but pay attention. Anything I point at and say 'venom', you hit with misfortune as hard as you can muster in a few seconds. If I have to show off any 'powers', I want to look legit. Don't forget the effects either."

"ROGER SIR!" the diminutive god saluted with a snap of terrible English. "I will aspire to be PERFECT in every way! You won't even know I'm here, except you already know I'm here. Floating like BUTTERFLY! Stinging like HORNET!" 

Ham... You also got your Muhammad Ali quote wrong...

"Good," I stated out loud. "Now lurk."

I just knew that somehow Senbei was going to blow this for me.

After a few more minutes of walking, we finally made it up to the entrance of the temple. It took a little over an hour to get here, but I wasn't going to complain. After all, we had to make sure nobody saw Marller physically drop me off. That would have put a question in the air.

"This looks like the place," I nodded to Luna.

'Beedeep!'

We both looked up. And there, standing above us at the top of the steps, was Bunpei-kun. Skuld's personally designed 'Protect Big Sister' Sentry Robot.

"How you doing?" I asked with a wave, then took a step up the stairs.

['Beedeep!' ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOan_TlUECw)

The robot twirled the stick it had in its hands around and aimed it at my face, getting between me and any further advancement up the stairs.

Uh oh...

"What's it doing?" Luna asked.

"It's a bit over protective," I muttered back.

I took a step back, then walked to the left; the robot followed my movement with its fighting stick. I was expecting this, but really, didn't bother to think about it up until now. I just figured he'd be conveniently out of the way, or instructed to allow me in. Or, something... I'm not entirely sure how to disable a stubborn sentry robot in such a manner that I didn't end up breaking it. Plus, I'm not exactly sure how hard it could really hit with that stick. I've had my fill of bruises, thank you.

"This might pose a problem," I frowned.

I tried to walk back the other direction, but Bunpei continued to follow my movement. There was no getting past this thing without confrontation. What was the bot's weakness? Well, it had an extension cord that just barely kept it from charging me right here, and beyond that, a power-standby button on its back the size of a tea saucer.

Hitting that button would be a bit of a problem for me... I can't flank this robot. It's too quick for that.

I walked back and forth a few more times trying to think of a way past the sentry. There had to be a way. I'll be damned if I'm going to be stopped by, of all things in this world, a walking aimbot.

"Walking back and forth isn't going to confuse it you know," Luna commented from the sidewalk, in a poor attempt at being helpful.

"Until you come up with a better idea..." I began as I walked back the other way. The staff still trained on my face. Luna just sat there and stared at me deadpan while the robot followed my... every.

I looked at Bunpei, and then at Luna again. And I almost laughed. But instead, that headache reminding me I wasn't in exactly a stellar mood, I got a little sarcastic like always.

"Like," I continued. "I don't know, hitting the off switch on its back while it's busy waving a stick at me... Hint-HINT."

"Well!" Luna regarded me with a tilt of her head, then glanced at Bunpei, who was all but ignoring her while it focused on the larger 'threat'.

"Say please," she smirked. Oh for the love of-

"Please," I nodded reflexively.

"Say it like you mean it," Luna demanded royally. Now is not the time to charge interest on your respect debt Luna...

"Please," I snapped in English. "Onegai, Por-Favor, S'il-Vous-Plait', pick the one you like but HIT, THE SWITCH."

"Fine," the feline shook her head. "There's just no working with some people."

"Boohoo," I rolled my eyes. "Spare me the water works, I'm still tired. If it makes you feel better I'll buy you a can of tuna or something when we've got some flexible down time."

"I'll hold you to that," Luna advised as she jumped up on the wall, then down behind, creeping around behind Bunpei. Then with a spring and a pounce, she emerged from the gate pillar and smacked Bunpei in the back, hitting the large button. The sentry stiffened up for a moment like a guy who'd been struck by lightning, then settled into a standby position.

"Naisu!" Senbei cackled in 'Engrish' from somewhere that sounded like my left ear, though he was no longer visible.

"No talking," I snapped reflexively at the spot. Then chided myself. If this happened in 'the thick of it', I wouldn't want to blow my cover by replying to response I might be the only one hearing.

"That was easy," Luna continued, trotting down the steps.

"That's how I like it," I shrugged. "Hard usually involves pain. Pain hurts."

"Just remember," Luna chided. "You owe me a can of tuna now."

Yeah-yeah, I know. I'll get you your can of tuna, eventually. I may not be the quickest to pay off a debt, but I try to keep my word once I make it.

After that, we quickly made our way into the temple itself. I expected some kind of counter response, maybe a 'go away', maybe something akin to Marller repellent. What we got was the ghost town treatment.

"Quiet," I looked around. In the back of my mind, I added 'too quiet' out of habit.

"I don't like this," Luna looked around.

"Easy..." I soothed, looking around. "They're here. They've just had an hour to prepare for... guests."

Luna looked at me wryly. But rather than discuss it with her, I walked into the middle of the temple grounds, and just stood there. If Urd and Skuld were planning some kind of welcoming party for some unknown demon just because they wanted to be contrary to Hild, they'd probably try and get me when I looked like I least expected it. Standing in the middle of an open space like this was BEGGING for it.

Now, where were they?

Actually, now that I think about it, Bunpei was at the front entrance prior to our arrival. So they had to have sent him to guard the front in advance knowing I was coming. They were definitely here. Given the powers those goddesses possessed, they could be the size of my hand at the moment, hiding in a potted plant.

But hiding from a demon isn't like Urd or Skuld. What were they planning? Admiral Ackbar says...

"Luna," I began, backing up. "It's a trap."

'Click'

I froze. I'm not all too familiar with odd metal clicks, but I definitely felt something give under my left foot. One didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce what it was. Fuck. When did Skuld start using mines?

Now, if I was a character from this universe, a mine like this might leave me scorched and upset. However, as I was decidedly NOT running on those kinds of physics, this really did put a scary thought in my mind. If I move, I lose my leg. A Skuld Bomber had enough punch to destroy something the size of a Volkswagen, and I had to be standing on the mine version.

"This is a problem," I tried to contain some sweat. "Luna, can you confirm what I'm standing on?" 

The feline trotted over and worked around my feet for a moment before announcing her findings.

"Little round ball with tabs and pipes on it," she announced.

"Skuld Miner," I dubbed it. "It's a bomb."

"Why hasn't it gone off?" the feline asked.

"Probably the release-trigger type," I guessed. "I lift my foot, I go boom."

"Should I attempt to disarm it?" Senbei quietly echoed in my ear.

"No," I muttered. "Not unless you happened to take a course in disarming custom built bombs made by an egocentric little girl."

Speaking of egocentric, wouldn't Skuld have blown her cover to come gloat at me by now?

"Scout around," I ordered Luna. "They might not be watching."

The feline did as instructed and returned a few moments later shaking her head. 

"Nobody," she advised. "But there are several more of those mines lying around."

Passive defense... They just set a bunch of mines and expected I would be as stupid as Marller would. Well, to be honest, I'm the one standing on the mine, not Marller. I guess that makes me the stupid one for underestimating the group.

Still, I'm not exploded yet, and you don't exactly expect to find Skuld using mines as opposed to more direct means. So I haven't dropped the ball completely.

Now, the question was: 'How do I escape this?'

Option one: replace my foot with something equally heavy. Movie cliché? I don't know. Can it be done without setting it off? I'm not suicidal enough to try.

Option two: use the Escape Clause to get out of this little situation. But I just GOT here...

I'd better see if there are any other options.

"Any ideas?" I asked.

"Call for help?" Luna suggested.

"I'd rather avoid a mission abort," I advised. 

"Give me a minute to think," Luna sat down.

We stood there, and one minute turned into five, then five turned into ten. After a while, ten turned into thirty. My legs were starting to cramp up.

"I just can't think of anything," Luna shook her head. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I shook my head. "The conventions that run this world means something is bound to happen eventually."

"What do you mean by conventions?" Luna asked.

"There are certain subtle rules that govern fiction where I'm from," I began. "I noticed that despite being in a very REAL version of the fictional world, these rules still exist. Think of it as something like Karma. If you act real shitty, something shitty happens to you in return. The rules differ from world to world, but there is definitely a rule of comic irony involved in this world. From the inside perspective, the current situation seems like a very big problem. But I guarantee you; someone watching me standing here for an hour sweating about a land mine would probably find great humor at my predicament. In fact, the reason the mine is a release trigger is probably because it is more comical that way."

"But if you die," Luna cautioned. "That wouldn't be funny at all. So somehow, you should be safe."

"I'm not willing to risk that," I warned. "Just like with Zoicite, I seem to have my own little bubble of physics. I may trigger a convention, but I'm not immune to the consequences."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"One of my pit-stops was a romantic comedy," I informed the feline. "I walked away with a cracked rib, a broken nose, a jacked up knee, and a number of cuts, scrapes, and bruises from a young lady simply beating up on me. Right now, I'm standing on a LAND MINE. Do the math..."

"I never realized..." Luna began.

"I'd like to call it a Grit Factor," I shrugged. "On a scale of one to ten, I come from a world that ranks a nine. Essentially, I get hurt and die real easy."

Luna blinked.

"What's a ten?" she asked.

"Any world that seems to be out to get you and has lots of killing going on" I shrugged. "Berserk, Hellsing. Horror plots. Survival in those worlds seems to be directly linked to one's importance to the plot. If you aren't important, don't count on living very long. On the opposite end, you've got stuff like Excel Saga, which you can get blown up, crushed, dropped through trap doors, etc. Your home universe would probably rank six or seven. You get lucky a lot, silly but violent things happen that seem to have no lasting consequences... The current world probably ranks five or four. Bizarre things happen, people can get outright caught in explosions with little more than a comical soot and bruising after the fact, and physical durability during these moments of comedy are much higher."

"And the numbers don't mix," Luna nodded.

"Exactly," I nodded. "I can set off a comical explosion, but I won't survive it."

"So how are we going to get you out of this unhurt?" she asked.

"Like I said," I frowned. "Something is bound to happen eventually. If we wait, I'm hoping on a little status quo convention to come along."

"Which is?" Luna tilted her head to the side.

"Everything more or less stays the same," I indicated. "Which would mean in this case, that someone following a standard routine is going to come along at some point."

"You're gambling on that kind of guess?" the feline asked. "Is this kind of thing what you've been taking advantage the whole time?"

"Yes, actually," I admitted.

"My god, I'm following a fool..." Luna muttered. "You do understand you're a fool right?"

"Maybe that's what's wrong with me," I sighed. "Just when you think something's fool proof, nature goes and makes a better fool. In this case, the multiverse should be fool proof... Guess what that makes me?"

Luna never got to answer as the front entrance to the living building suddenly slid open. Then, out of the door, carrying a load of laundry to be hung up to dry meandered none other than Belldandy. I had to stop and double take. Yeah, the animated fictional version was good looking and I knew she'd probably be a looker in real life but _DAYAM!_ Keiichi was officially a lucky bastard.

Still, it proved my point about routines, to which Luna sighed in exasperation. It took Belldandy a few seconds to notice I was standing there before she stopped, then greeted me with a smile.

["Why hello there,"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGT1sOtxtfY) she beamed. "You must be our guest."

"Uh," I began. Oh yeah, Belldandy the ever forgiving, right. Just so long as you didn't turn Keiichi into a scooter... It didn't matter if you WERE a demon; she was nice unquestionably until you did something diabolical.

"Yes ma'am," I continued once I remembered my 'role'. I'm a polite, off duty, demon.

"It's nice to meet you," she smiled, setting her laundry load down, somehow managing not to step on a single one of the mines Skuld had planted. "Why don't you come inside and make yourself at home?"

"I would love to," I nodded politely. "Save for a small problem..."

"Oh?" she looked at me confused, then threw a sheet over the clothesline with ease.

"I can't move," I shrugged. "Been stuck like this for half an hour."

Belldandy threw up another sheet without much effort then turned to me with a half-pitying look.

"You poor dear," she walked towards me, again somehow managing, through some Mihoshi level of cluelessness, to avoid every single mine. "Did you descend inaccurately?"

"No," I looked down. "I seem to have discovered some leftover nasty toys."

"Oh?" she looked at my planted foot and smiled. "Those are just Skuld's. She doesn't mean any harm. If you just teleport right over there, you won't even dirty your clothes."

"I could," I shrugged. "Except I'm actually not supposed to be using my powers. Boss' orders."

Belldandy looked at me surprised. For a second I thought she wouldn't buy it. But then she just smiled. 

"I understand," she beamed. Phew... "I'll get Skuld to disarm it right away."

With a turn, she stepped over another mine and walked half way back towards the house.

"Keiichi?" she called. After a moment, an unremarkable looking young man bounded to the door to take a look.

"Could you get Skuld please?" she asked.

A few minutes later the youngest of the group was busy grumbling at my feet as she carefully disassembled her own mine with a screwdriver. Belldandy finished hanging the sheets, while at the same time, Urd was busy smirking at the defense attempt of her younger sibling.

"I told you this wouldn't work," she quipped. "Why did you think mines would work against demons? You remember they can fly right?"

"It worked just fine," Skuld pouted. "He's standing on it after all."

"I'm sure he's just humoring you," Urd quipped, then looked at me with a deadpan look. "You are humoring her, right? You could fly away in a blink or teleport right out of harm's way without a problem if you wanted."

"I'm off duty," I quipped.

"And that means?" Urd seemed to measure me much the same way her mother did.

"No powers," I remained deadpan. "Boss says I've been too stressed out lately to use them, so she slapped me with restrictions. 

Urd regarded me with a 'Spock Eyebrow Raise' at that one. Yeah, I know that seemed uncanny. Demon with power restrictions... I knew I was immediately under suspicion, but that was fully intended.

"So," Keiichi began from the walking path a few meters away in the 'safe' area. "You're off duty... Does that mean you can't do any demon stuff?"

"Nope," I shook my head. "Last few weeks have been so high stressed that I nearly crashed Nidhogg."

"Whoa," Urd blinked, leaning back. "What exactly did you do?"

"Heh," I laughed. "It's nothing really. Anyone here keep track of the Middle East?"

"What do you do over there?" Keiichi asked.

"I stir up trouble like any good demon," I shrugged. "Iran-Iraq war just a few years ago... Who do you think convinced the guy it was a good idea? The whole region is one big playground for my unit."

"Unit?" Keiichi asked.

"Razgriz," I quipped. "Special operations unit in charge of Middle-East Geopolitical Instability."

My cover story in a little more detail. I'm part of the special operations unit known as the Demons of Razgriz. I picked the name myself for a little inside laugh. Nobody else knew why I thought it was a little funny, but then again, I'm fifteen years too early for anyone to present to even REMOTELY get a clue. 

"Never heard of them," Urd frowned.

"I wouldn't expect any goddesses to have heard of it," I shrugged. Man this was bullshit. "We stay pretty low key, it works really well that way. A little push here, a little whisper of discord there, and humans end up being really good at being really CRAPPY to each other. Lots of misery to go around. It gets the job done, and I don't have to waste much power."

"Frankly," Urd crossed her arms. "You don't look like you have any powers at all. Your ambient level is about as low as that goofball that Marller keeps around, Senbei. And quite frankly, you look like you're in terrible shape for a human, let alone a first class demon."

"Now that I think about it," Keiichi noted. "You don't even have a mark on your head like the others. What's with that?"

"Disguise," I shrugged. "Can't walk around looking like some bad monster movie knockoff when I'm trying to keep a low profile now can I?"

Sheesh... They liked to pry. Good thing Hild drilled a pretty intense cover story into me for this bit. Oh...

"And technically," I continued. "I'm not a first class, I'm an S class. S class demons don't get marks."

That seemed to cause a pause. Even Skuld looked up surprised. A demon 'special' class. Technically, this part could be considered true from the right point of view. I was working for Hild in a very special scenario, so I could technically be a special class of honorary demon. The S doesn't mean I'm super powerful, it just means I'm a special unit. Aren't technicalities wonderful?

"So how did you almost cause a system crash?" Urd asked again. Oh yes, she was a System Administrator. She'd like to know.

"I tried to pull off too many gambits in too many places," I indicated. "I split my power into so many small threads that it caused a series of stack overflows."

Thank you, one year of computer science! I forget half the shit you taught me, but at least I know what the stuff means.

"Sounds like you were the busy little demon," Urd smirked.

"I've still got the headache," I advised, rubbing my temples from my very real, but unrelated headache. "Still, I managed to do a pretty good job before that. If everything cascades the way I predicted, you'll have Iraq making aggressive moves in less than a year."

"What?" Keiichi asked. "You mean start another war?!"

"Got it!" Skuld grinned, removing the fuse from her mine.

"Ah," I lifted my foot, hearing the latch click, but satisfyingly, not reducing my leg to mush. It felt good to be able to move that cramped leg. "Not bad squirt."

Skuld stood up scowling.

"Who are you calling squirt?" she asked, trying to puff up indignantly, but her tirade was interrupted by Keiichi. 

"All those people who are going to die," he frowned. "Don't you have any feelings?"

That question made me stop and stare, ignoring Skuld's rant on not being a kid. Feelings? Oh! I had a line for this. I could so ham this up. In fact, I think I will if I'll make me look all the more the part I was trying to act. Good thing Airi wasn't here. She'd call me on it in a heartbeat.

"Feelings?" I asked, walking towards Keiichi now that I was free. Quietly, I muttered for Senbei to turn up the 'juice'. "Look mate, you don't have a lot of feelings... Blokes like that bludgeon their wives to death with a golf trophy."

Keiichi blinked and took a step back as I walked up to him. I noticed Urd take a slightly more attentive posture as I did so, and Skuld seemed to back up a few steps. I had to make sure I didn't seem TOO threatening. Just, intimidating.

"Professionals," I continued. "Have standards."

I stopped and held up my hand, counting off with my fingers.

"Be polite," I listed. "Be efficient...Have a plan, to kill EVERYONE you meet."

I emphasized the last point by leaning right into Keiichi's face and grinning at him like I was implying it for him. Thank you Team Fortress Two. After a few seconds, I let the smirk drop.

"But I'm off duty," I waved it away, hoping Senbei knew to let the 'juice' drop off. "That's work we're talking about. When I'm off duty, I could care less about anything but chilling out somewhere. And the boss told me not to start any trouble with you guys."

Not that I wanted to start anything here. Most of keeping my hide in one piece in this scenario banked on most certainly NOT starting anything like a firefight. As long as I didn't instigate anything, I was certain Belldandy would actually keep her sisters in check.

Still...

How much time have I wasted? I know I spent a little under an hour stuck in one spot, and stage two of this little plan was due to start on its own. I was behind schedule thanks to the mine and I was doing a lot of ass covering that bordered on barely believable. 

Luna pretty much said nothing the whole time. It seemed that most of the interest was in me rather than what must obviously be my familiar. So thankfully, she didn't have to maintain any kind of story.

Predictably enough, once we were done here, Belldandy did invite me inside for tea and snacks. Skuld had about freaked out when I informed her that her little robot was still in standby out front. Which got her out of the room for a minute. The more spread out they were, the less they could plan.

While I sipped tea, which was actually pretty good stuff, I tried to get an estimate on when in the story line I might be. From the looks of things, I was in a little niche between visits by Peorth, as she didn't appear to be anywhere around. Neither was the demon cat Welsper. My memory on the sequence of events wasn't very clear here, but at the very least things seemed to work out very well for the most part without my interference one way or the other.

Peorth would have been a wild card for my plan. Compared to the other characters, her moods and methods tended to sweep up and down the slope of mischief in unpredictable patterns. It was better I didn't have to try and keep an eye on her.

Luckily for me, the conversation Belldandy provided seemed to keep Urd, and after her return, Skuld from prying too much into my 'demonic affairs'. Even Luna was enjoying some snack cakes Belldandy had prepared.

"It's a bit against protocol," I looked at the Goddess across from me. "But strictly off the record, these cakes are divine."

"Why thank you," Belldandy smiled.

"No seriously," I commented. "These are awesome. You just can't find a good cook back at the office. You can find lots of lawyers though. So you can get paperwork done in no time flat, but don't expect anything edible by the kitchen staff."

"That's what you get for being demons," Skuld sniped, but quickly buried herself in working on some little electronic card. Now what was she making? It better not be anything that would mess with this operation.

"What was that?" Luna's head shot up. The feline looked around a few times.

"What's with her?" Urd asked.

"Paranoid," I rolled my eyes. "You spend as much time as we did in a war zone and you get a little jumpy at the smallest things even if it's only human stuff. Artillery rounds really do leave a demon sore when they hit you know..."

"No," Luna continued. "I definitely heard something. It sounded like a THUMP."

Ah... The code word. Luna was supposed to listen for that sound. That meant stage two was about to go into effect.

My thoughts were cut off as something that sounded like the meanest damned Harley Davidson ever concocted suddenly started revving up.

"What the?!" Keiichi leapt to his feet and rushed for the door. "That sounds like it's coming from-" 

Urd and Skuld rushed behind him as I mocked a confused head turn. After a second, I followed.

When Keiichi made it out the door, he paused, mouth gaping wide before finally managing to shout.

["MY BIKE!!!" ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KWgzq6gVA)

This was stage two of the plan. Marller attack... It wasn't a decoy; it wasn't an attempt at a false sense of security. It was simply a means to an end. Her job was simply to 'attack' using one of her typical methods to try and cause some misery on the part of Keiichi.

The bike was my idea. Keiichi and Belldandy both loved the bike, so it made a rather obvious target and fit as something Marller would try. As I walked up behind them with a teacup still in my hand, I saw that it had gone quite better than I expected.

The thump we had been listening for was for Marller to turn Keiichi's dinky little sidecar motorcycle, into a bad ass fire spewing flaming motorcycle from HELL. The idea actually came from the Ghost Rider movie. It was pretty good fun to watch as she revved it, making the pipes roar and shake the ground as they spewed gouts of fire everywhere.

"NYAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!" Marller cackled in glee. I think she was enjoying her part just a bit too much. "Not anymore it isn't! Once I take it, you'll have no choice but to succumb to the misery of your lives and descend in a spiral of pain to the very depths of hell!"

Uh, ham...

On the plus side, Marller was using my backpack and shotgun strapped to her to complete the 'look'. That was simply so she could deliver it to me without looking conspicuous.

With an air of dramatic evil cackling, she revved the motorcycle again and the wheels burst into flames.

"Oh for the love of... Stop her!" Urd sighed.

"Got it!" Skuld grinned, pulling a Skuld Bomber out of her shirt.

"Hah!" Marller grinned, giving the bike another rev. "You think that will stop me? BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE HELLCYCLE!"

With a push, she thrust the bike forward and into a wheelie, before the whole thing picked right up into the air on its own power. Heh... That wasn't my idea, but I was impressed. Flying demonic motorcycle spitting fire.

"Marller!" Belldandy shouted. "Please stop this! Put Keiichi's motorcycle back!"

"AAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" she mocked, circling around in the air. "I can't hear you over the sound of how AWESOME THIS IS!"

"Hmm," I sipped some tea as I watched behind Belldandy. "She's going for the Hell's Angels look... Not bad."

"Don't just stand there," Skuld snapped at me as she attempted to peg the flying cycle with a bomb. "Help us out!"

"Why would I do that?" I asked. "She's doing her job, and I'm not going to get in the way. It's, as they say, not my problem."

As if to emphasize how disdainful I was of the situation, I turned the teacup in my hand outward and leaned against the door I was standing in.

"Fine!" Skuld pouted, lobbing another bomb. "Useless demon..."

"Is that the best you've got?" Marller mocked as Bunpei joined the fray with a blast of rock music and lucky charms. The flaming motorcycle just jumped clear and she retaliated with a loud rev of the pipes. Marller had the sense to put some earplugs in right after starting the routine.

"Please stop!" Belldandy yelled again.

"Still can't hear you!" Marller cackled, forming a purple energy bomb thing in her hand. "Now it's my turn!"

We made eye contact for just a brief moment. That's how I knew to stay exactly where I was standing. A moment later, Marller started throwing her attacks all over the ground, forcing everyone to take cover as she spammed them.

Amidst all this, I did my best not to move as the concussion waves played havoc with my hearing. Then, at the right moment amidst the chaos, Marller threw a blast right past me into the house, taking out part of the wall.

The teacup I was holding ceased to be, leaving me holding a broken china ring where it had previously been. I'm glad she at least has the AIM to go with that title of first class demon. She didn't even nick my fingers.

Still, the idea behind the move was simple: 'Piss me off'.

Acting my part to look completely unshaken by the proximity of the blast, I looked over at the ring I was holding, then at Marller, then tossed it over my shoulder.

"You know," I began, walking forward as the others scrambled back to their feet. "I was drinking that..."

Marller stopped and put on a mask of surprise seeing me walking forward.

"Wait," she began. "Aren't you..."

"Start charging up," I muttered to Senbei.

"Roger sir..." he whispered back.

"That was a perfectly good cup of tea you just ruined," I continued up at Marller. "I liked it. And nobody ruins my tea, not even my own allies."

"Wait," Marller's eyes got big. "Your power! It's, you are... RAZGRIZ!"

"Right-O," I smirked, raising my hand in the air. Time for my Dark Schnieder impersonation. This whole exchange felt funny. Somewhere, there was probably universe with a real Dark Schneider, who could cast real magic spells like the one I was about to fake. I wonder if he knew he had a fan club?

"Now you pay!"

There was a burst of wind as Senbei started the effects I wanted. Evil Glow, check. Crazy cyclonic updraft, check... Random static discharges, check-a-roo... Freaky ass voice echo trick?

"Zaaaaazooom Zazamoor Ka-lum TALMUT! HORRA!"

Check...

"WHAT?!" Urd looked at me confused. "What kind of crazy messed up spell is that supposed to-"

"Burning in the depths of the pits of darkness," I continued. Oh this was fun. I almost wish I really were about to throw this spell at Marller. It would be a real BLAST... Pun intended. "Let the fires of HELL take you!"

"You!" Marller gaped. "NO! THAT'S A FORBIDDON SPELL! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO-"

"LET THE FIRES BECOME MY SWORD AND STRIKE YOU DOWN!" I snarled, pointing my hand like a gun at the demon above me. "VENOM!"

That was Senbei's cue to go all out.

"SUPER! FINAL! ULTIMATE! SHAKKIN!!!!" the mini-demon-god cackled in my ear.

There was a brief pause between my 'attack', and anything happening. It almost lingered too long, but then the fire on the 'Hellcycle' suddenly leapt to absurd levels as the misfortune Senbei had triggered took its course, running up along the side and scorching Marller. Then the flames licked the gasoline tank, chased a minor fuel leak, and ignited it.

Marller blew up in a spectacular hail of shrapnel.

"Suck it," I began. "You just got-"

The flaming wreckage crashed to the ground, landing right on a Skuld mine. I winced as it blew her up again, then the whole thing flipped through the air and landed on another mine.

"Oh..." I winced as I watched the chain reaction through four more mines. "OH! MAN! Ouch, that's got to hurt."

"I might have overdone it," Senbei whispered.

"My, bike..." Keiichi gaped.

"Sorry kid," I shrugged. "She pissed me off."

"Ugh..." Marller stumbled out of the flaming wreckage, wobbling around before stepping on another mine.

"GAH!"

Well, at least Skuld's mines came in handy.

"Screw this," Marller mumbled, dropping my backpack and shotgun on the ground. "I'll do this some other day."

With a quick jump, the smoldering demon cleared the fence and teleported out of sight.

"Hmph! Wuss," I shook my head. "Ruin MY tea..." I had to remind myself to mumble as if I was indignant. Then walked over to where my pack and the Mossberg were lying on the ground and picked them up.

"Spoils of victory," I commented. "There better be some good loot in here..."

While I quickly snapped my pack on and shouldered my shotgun, the others went about extinguishing the small spot fires that were left over, Keiichi trying his best to recover the pieces of what had been his motorcycle. It was completely annihilated, but I suspect that between Belldandy and Skuld it would be right back to its old self by tomorrow. In the mean time, if everything went according to the 'script', I should be getting a phone call right about...

Behind me, in the house, the phone started to ring.

Now...

"I've got it," Belldandy turned quickly.

After a few seconds, she emerged again, looking shocked, then pointed at me.

"It's for you."

Walking up, I took the phone.

"Razgriz," I answered.

"Did you just fire off a mid-level forbidden spell?" Hild spoke her lines just in case the phone was tapped. Nobody heard what she was saying, but they heard me...

"Yes..." I responded. "That was me."

"No," I continued after her next line. "Yes... Blew up Marller, she was being a pest."

"Yes, Yes I know I'm not supposed to until I feel better."

"Why? Why do you think? She was being annoying, ruined my tea. You know how I get when people ruin good food and drink."

"What do you mean you sent her? I know you like to play games and such but if you're going to contradict your own instructions like this- what? Oh fine, I won't do it anymore."

"No, I'm not. Okay... Okay."

"Yes wh- What?! Are you trying to embarrass me in front of a human?"

"Oh, fine, have it your way."

"Yes... Fine."

"I love you too..."

"Okay mom... Bye."

And I hung up the phone, shaking my head as I turned to the group staring at me. I would get a response in:

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One... 

"MOM!?!" Everyone but Belldandy and Luna shouted in unison. 

On to stage three...


	19. Smothered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tools of the writing trade are many and varied. But I see at least a few essentials.
> 
> Misdirection, wordplay, and a good sense of flow are essential.
> 
> Misdirection in particular has a lot of uses in writing. If you can keep the reader guessing and asking questions even through the boring parts of a story, you can keep them hooked.
> 
> Sometimes though you want to hide it, but you know it will just frustrate people. Sometimes you have to give the reader what they want. The trick is to give them what they want, without fully giving it to them.
> 
> Let's give you the next chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 19: Smothered**

_"I can handle myself, thank you."_

* * *

 

I think I'm starting to get used to this.

Forty-eight hours ago I was just a geek on a computer checking my emails, and remembering bits of my military training for no damned good reason. Then I woke up in Ayeka's bed, and I've been constantly telling myself that this was surreal, often strange, ever since.

But now, the novelty was wearing off, the strangeness was going away. As I figured my predicament out, things started to make logical sense.

Funny how that works, the absurd making sense in its own, self-consistent way.

But even stranger was the fact that I was learning to go along with it. I know I was telling myself I should be taking advantage of everything. But telling one's self and doing are two completely different animals.

The sheer magnitude of what I was doing hadn't really hit until I put that phone down. The way I had so calmly built this entire scheme in such a manner as to work like it was part of this 'story' I was standing in, but to take advantage of myself, those around me, and even the conventions of comedy that surrounded me.

I mean, here I am, with a 'shoulder devil' and my talking animal sidekick, staring back at a group of thoroughly shocked goddesses right out of a book I could pull off my shelf.

I realized how absurd that must sound, but it no longer felt the least bit strange.

I guess it should be expected that I would get used to my particular circumstances. In a way, I could almost classify my routine as my own fictional character at this point. Don't ask me where this errant thought came from though... I guess it's because of the part I was 'playing' in my little scheme.

My scheme... Oh yes! Stage three of the plan.

Part one had me infiltrating into the Temple where Urd was currently residing, but as a demon. Which in itself seemed rather counter-intuitive if you wanted to get on the good side of a bunch of goddesses. Still, that was part of the act and it played directly into a very simple objective.

Part two was nothing but lots of smoke and mirrors, a mere distraction and window dressing to help me look legit. Marller did a good job getting herself blown up for the sake of the mission. How well she actually played her part had reminded me that while she was a joke in context, she really WAS a first class demon with the skills and powers that went with the title. I had to give her some credit...

But still, it was all just a farce.

All the setup and charade simply so I could get one phone call, so I could nonchalantly say one single line.

"Okay mom... Bye."

It took those present just a few seconds to register exactly WHAT that meant as I continued my part of the charade, shaking my head as if annoyed by the call.

But when it did, the reaction was EXACTLY what I expected.

Everyone was shocked.

See: I had to think on it during my planning session with Hild. The Daimakaicho so desperately wanted her daughter to acknowledge her as mother. That was the leverage I had. It was the only thing I knew Hild wanted more than anything. More than even Hell itself... There were only six people that knew about it: Urd, Skuld, Belldandy, Keiichi, Marller... and me.

Out of the six of us, only I was in any kind of position to do anything about it without suspicion. That logic was pretty straightforward. 

That, as they say, was the easy part.

The problem, though, was that Urd was very much like her mother. This, of course, meant that getting her to call Hild 'mom' or 'mother' just wasn't going to happen no matter what argument you tried.

It's not like I can just walk up to her and say: 'Yo! Urd! Give your mom some flowers and tell her you love her!'

Yeah, that's not gonna work. Urd had to WANT to refer to her mother as such. Her stubbornness was proof that she was her mother's daughter. 

Convoluted 'momma saves the day' plans weren't likely to work either. In fact, that was Marller's original idea. It was convoluted, overly complicated, and if it were a machine, had more moving parts than an engineer would be comfortable around. Murphy loves to destroy complex plans.

So I had to think about it. And the idea that popped into my head was something rather simple. Almost laughably simple...

Jealousy...

Who has siblings? Especially younger siblings... What is the number one story that seems to go with that kind of setup? Simple... The younger sibling always gets all the attention, alienating the older sibling, resulting in a simmering jealous rage that turns into attention-seeking behavior.

If Urd were to become jealous and started desiring her mother's attention...

I'll admit, it's a long shot. But considering my track record for gambles was standing at seven and O, I've grown confident in my ability to predict what was going on.

Still, don't get cocky. That's when Murphy gets you.

Now that I had hung up the phone, I had committed myself to this plan. There was no way to abort at this point. And this was when I really had to play my cards right. Part of this would be easy; I was already worn out and tired, just as my back-story would suggest. Plus, I did have an older sister, so I wasn't inexperienced at being the pesky younger brother.

The other part would be figuring out how to push Urd's buttons, either without looking like I was trying to. Or in such a manner that it seemed like I was just being a natural pest. 

All without compromising my currently established 'personality'.

Yay... Just, yay...

Still, the looks of shock were just absurd, even Belldandy had a look of her own, though she hadn't vocalized it.

"Uh," I looked at them, deciding to channel my work attitude. "Yeah... You didn't know?"

The group silently shook their heads, having yet to find words to express.

"Typical," I rolled my eyes. "Leave it to mother to leave out the trivial details."

"Trivial?" Urd interrupted finding her voice first... "I have a brother I didn't even know about, and you call that TRIVIAL?"

Not an easy question to answer... Maybe I should pick my phrasing a bit more carefully. I better sidestep.

"Mother's annoying like that," I continued. "Sometimes you can't get her to leave you alone for five minutes. The next, you can't even get the password for a seal. Do you know how many times she checks up on me during an operation? How am I supposed to do my job with momma constantly wiping my nose for me? If it wasn't for the fact I blew the last demon that mentioned it to pieces, I'd be the laughing stock of hell!"

I hope I didn't overdo it just now...

"Funny," Urd crossed her arms, looking nonplussed. "That's not how I remember it."

"Consider yourself lucky," I quickly replied. Did I hook her? "You don't have to deal with stuff like that EVERY DAY."

Belldandy, believe it or not, swings really fast from one mood to the next. Not that you could tell by outward appearances; not without paying close attention anyway. But then, the way she went from that wide-eyed look of shock to a brilliant smile as she clapped her hands together was telling.

"It sounds like she must love you a lot," the goddess beamed.

"It's so sappy my teeth are rotting out," I mocked a scowl. "I'm a big demon. I don't need her reminding me to, as humans put it, bring a clean change of underwear."

Skuld turned pink and tried to suppress a laugh. I took advantage of that to shoot the child-goddess a quick annoyed look that didn't do anything but make her cover her mouth with both hands and shake visibly. As a side effect of her response, Urd visibly got more upset.

"That still doesn't explain why she never bothered to tell ME," she scowled openly this time. Yeah, I think she's hooked.

"Beats me," I shrugged. "Though knowing her, she probably just didn't want to let some of the more foolish demons have an excuse to take a crack at her position. Not that they'd get very far messing with me before they got a face full of MEGADETH. Of course, she also stuck me with Luna here. My, and I quote mom, SECRETARY... Yeah, right. More like babysitter. I mean what the heck? I don't need a shrimpy cat demon-"

"Hey!" Luna snapped. I couldn't tell if she was acting her part or if that was genuine, but it was pretty good.

"-to watch my hide."

"So she couldn't even bother to slip me a note?" Urd started to seethe. "She could have at least told me last month when she was HERE!"

[Whoa! Temper!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN3mYse3auI)

"Don't go getting mad at me!" I snapped back. "I'm not the one who's been keeping secrets from you!"

"And why should she keep you a secret from ME?" Urd snarled. Her composure was failing spectacularly.

"I don't know," I changed my tone to sarcasm. "Why don't you GO TO HELL-"

"EXCUSE ME?" Urd stood ramrod straight and glared at me. 

"-AND ASK HER?" I finished.

Urd recovered from her momentary jump to a conclusion almost effortlessly.

"Why would I bother crawling back to a woman like that after she all but dumped me off for over a decade?" She asked.

"Don't ask me!" I returned. "I didn't come here to answer all of life's questions!"

"Maybe she sent you here to rub it in my face!" Urd was approaching the boiling point. I could feel my hair starting to stand on end. If I wasn't careful, I'd get 'punished'. Lightning style. I hope Senbei was cranking up the Juice to match my apparent temper. M.A.D. might be the only thing that keeps her from roasting me...

"If she did," I began back. "It's because she's disappointed in you! Goddess first class, LIMITED license? I can do better than that!"

"YOU LITTLE WHELP!" Urd roared, static starting to play across her features. "Are you looking for a fight? Because if you think you're any match for me-" 

DANGER! DANGER! Angry Urd ahead! But at the same time, backing down now would be catastrophic, roll with it; keep up the bluff...

"BRING IT ON!" I snapped back, opening my hands in such a way as to look like I was collecting power. "I've been looking for an excuse to try out T'sla!"

As I said that, Senbei made the effects of sparks appear between my hands, and a repeat of the light wind. The back of my mind was screaming not to provoke Urd into actually firing her lightning spell. Between the two of us, her lightning would be a lot better than mine unless I happened to have access to some high tension power lines running off a nuclear reactor.

In short, I somehow managed to bluff my way into a Mexican Standoff... Borderline suicidally stupid... How did I let myself do that? Did I actually flow right into that argument? Dammit! I did! That was NATURAL!

"He's definitely her brother," I heard Keiichi mutter quietly to Skuld. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the younger goddess nod silently. It was the perfect opportunity to redirect attention before this got worse.

"WHAT ABOUT IT?" I snapped, and was almost shocked to hear Urd's voice mirroring the exact same sentence at the same time. Part of my mind had to commend that as one hell of a good coincidence, as it usually helped reinforce the convention.

"Both of you stop this at once!" Belldandy asserted her presence quite suddenly. For a few seconds, we both looked at her and the look on her face would have curdled fresh milk. I shit you not. That facet of Belldandy didn't come out often, but when it did...

"You aren't supposed to be using your powers," she continued, chiding me. "Your mother wants you to recover, not fight."

Senbei cut the juice right on cue. The guy was a goofball, but he was actually pretty intuitive to when he wanted to be.

"Yes ma'am," I nodded, lowering my hands and standing up straight. After a few seconds, Urd reciprocated the action, trying to regain composure. 

That was almost TOO easy. I never expected hitting all of Urd's buttons to be that, simple. I guess all that arguing with my sister paid off. In fact, Urd was a lot like my sis in so many spooky ways. And I don't mean the half-demon part. That must be why I found it so easy to slip right into arguing with her almost for real.

The tension more or less diffused, I could feel my headache coming back with a vengeance. It was still hard to think clearly without a decent amount of sleep. Closing my eyes briefly to rub just above my nose, I sighed.

"I need to relax," I said at length, feeling a bead of sweat run down the back of my neck. That reminded me, I was getting rather sticky, and my last bath was at Hinata. I hadn't worked up a stink yet thanks to changing clothes a several times, but still...

"I'm going to go take a bath," I shook my head. "Maybe some hot water will kill this headache."

Without waiting for a reply, I rounded and turned a corner, heading for where I guessed the bath was. The moment I did so, I heard Skuld make her own little snarky comment.

"What is- He thinks he can just come in here and make himself at home?"

"Sounds like a few people I know," came the voice of Keiichi. Nice one...

"What was that?"

I couldn't help it, now that I was out of sight. I started to grin imagining the look on Skuld's face, fighting to hold back laughter, which really didn't help my headache. After a few seconds to control myself, I quickly found the bathroom.

Once I shut myself in, Luna in tow, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Too close," I mouthed, leaning up against a wall while rubbing my eyes.

"That was monumentally risky," the feline urged under her breath. "Do you have any idea how much power she built up while you goaded her on?"

"Enough to bitchslap some sanity back into Queen Beryl," I let my head drop. "Believe me, there was enough energy there that even I could feel it."

"Well," Luna continued. "You put on quite the show. I almost thought you were serious."

"I almost was," I shook my head. "I have to watch out for that."

"So what are-" Luna began, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand. Sound carries indoors, and this building was very thin walled.

Turning to the bath, I found the taps. I'm so glad the temple here was at least marginally modernized. In fact, I'm glad every temple I've been in so far has been modernized. The wonders of electricity and running hot and cold water... Turning the tap, I began drawing a bath to help mask the noise of a conversation.

"What are you going to do now?" the feline asked after the sound of running water drowned everything out. "You're already pushing your luck as it is. I'm afraid what might happen if our cover is blown."

"I'm going to continue to be a pesky younger brother," I muttered back. "Just like 'mom', I got a pretty good reaction out of her. I know her limits now, so I'll know when to back off. Now I just work her over until she's jealous enough to revise her thinking."

"What about me?" Senbei appeared on my shoulder, and- WHOA he didn't look so hot.

"What the-" I began.

"I don't think I can match that power again anytime soon," he commented. This time, there was no flamboyance. Physically speaking, he was a mess. His suit was wrinkled, and his hair messed up, his smirk gone... He was a mess.

"Urd was just warming up," he began. "But I... I gave it everything."

"Take a break then," I muttered to the demon god. "I don't need you falling apart at the seams in the middle of it all, or decloaking, or something like that. Then we'll ALL be in trouble."

Senbei forced a laugh, one of the shiny buttons on his otherwise gaudy suit coming off as he did so.

"I still don't get what he's supposed to be exactly," Luna cocked her head to the side. "He's not a full demon, he's not really a god. And he's not exactly a spirit of anything."

"Think of him as a concept deity," I muttered as Senbei flopped down in a corner to fan himself. "If you're familiar with things such as cupid, you can think of him as something like the cupid of bad luck."

"Oh," Luna nodded. "So he's not really evil either, he's just powered by misfortune?"

"Been-go!" Senbei winked, and then sagged from the effort. "I must obey the law of the conservation of happiness. The more misfortune I spread, the happier I become..."

"I'm starting to see how this world seems to work," Luna nodded. "Seems like it focuses on balance between the philosophical concepts rather than have any actual literal good and evil. The demons are only evil during business hours..."

"Pretty much," I shrugged, removing my brown shirt. Luna continued sit there staring off into space as I pulled my boots off. Then, just before I reached to turn off the water, I glanced at her again, still staring idly.

"Do you mind?" I asked.

Luna stopped her pondering for a second to look at me curiously. She may be a cat but...

"Oh!" she realized after a moment, turning around. "Sorry, used to Usagi."

I took a little more time with my bath this time around, trying to remember the Japanese bathing customs to some extent, and just soaking some tension out of my body. I've been going non-stop; I really need some down time. The thought of some down time was enough to force a yawn out of me.

"Don't fall asleep in the tub," Luna admonished at the wall in response. "There are worse things that can happen to you than drowning, I'm sure."

Yeah, good point. As if I didn't have enough problems... My next wakeup would be certain death if I woke up next to some random girl stark naked, soaking wet, and without any explanations that sounded sane.

Still, the relaxing did help my headache just a little. Not a lot, but every little bit helps. Which means it was probably my shoulders. Little to no sleep, high stress... And all those muscles from your upper back wrapping right over the top of your head. Instant headache...

I wonder if I could get honorary US Navy Seals status back home when all this was over. If this kept up, I'd have my own personal Hell Week on record. That had to count for SOMETHING.

Ah well...

After about thirty minutes of soaking, give or take, I didn't have a watch or clock to keep track of time with, I finally stepped out and dried off, quickly dressing into a clean set of clothes. Essentially, just another brown shirt, and a spare set of pants. I'm not terribly keen on a varied wardrobe.

Once I was decent, I informed Luna she could stop staring at the corner. The feline nodded approvingly at my new, but not really different getup. I quickly recovered my bag after stuffing my towel and clothes into it, and shouldered my shotgun.

Senbei, now looking more or less back to normal, that guy must have taken a dunk while I wasn't looking, perched himself on my shoulder before vanishing from sight.

The next few hours went more or less, predictably. Nothing of seeming importance happened, I lounged around and got glared at from time to time by Skuld, and Urd locked herself into some TV while trying to ignore the fact that I was still here.

Keiichi and Belldandy were non-factors more occupied with trying to recover his exploded motorcycle and get to a noon college class on time.

This left me wondering how I could arrest the elder goddess' attention some more, without looking like it was deliberate. This wasn't as easy as I thought. I knew how Urd would react to a multitude of situations, but not so much how to grab and hold her interest. It seemed as if all the direct approaches would just come across as too obvious. They may not suspect me right now, but I'm not about to take yet another high-end risk after getting this far.

I needed a side option, an angle of attack. Something that would draw Urd in as readily as mayflies to a bug zapper.

Skuld...

Okay, so the logic is that Urd always picks on Skuld. They were siblings after all, and the older sibling always gives the younger one a hard time. The way I see it, the older sibling gets amusement on giving the younger one a hard time. It worked like that between my sister and myself growing up, it was rather obviously the same here.

What that meant was that you could get the attention of the older sister through the attentions of the younger one.

Which means, that in order to get at Urd, I had to go through Skuld.

Skuld was definitely the easiest 'target' of all the residents. She may be a mechanical genius, but she was still a child, and extremely naive. Compared to the natural caution Urd would have, being her mischievous self, Skuld was far easier to approach.

So the idea forming in my head as I wandered into the kitchen was simple. Befriend Skuld, hog all her attention, and deny Urd her usual outlet for entertainment. Urd sees that I'm doted on by 'mom', gets frustrated at the past. I hog all Skuld's attention and get her fixated on me, leaving Urd to feel left out, and then butter that up and let her personality do the rest.

Still, that plan had one small hitch.

Skuld didn't trust me by default. I'm a 'demon' after all.

I was aware of that from the moment I first stepped on that Skuld Mine. But once again, knowledge is power, and Skuld had two glaring weaknesses.

One weakness was as obvious as my smile while I opened the freezer door. The quickest way to a child's heart was through their taste buds. This went double for Skuld, a girl who could LITERALLY clean out an ice cream shop in one sitting. A simple ice cream sundae, no strings attached, and I'd be half way to dealing with her suspicion.

"Raiding the fridge?" Luna shook her head as she watched. "Why is it the longer I hang around you, the more you and Usagi seem alike?"

"Don't be silly Luna," I admonished as I placed two sundae glasses on the counter and began searching for the silverware. "Usagi may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she's really good at picking up the most unlikely people to make friends with."

"So then, what's with the ice cream," the feline asked.

"Just taking after the rabbit," I shrugged, finding the spoons I required.

Luna 'Hmmed' as I quickly portioned out two vanilla sundaes. Once I had what I wanted/needed, I cleaned up my mess and went searching for my target.

[It didn't take long.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j1VQoU0gzo)

'Clink...'

Skuld looked up from a circuit board she was soldering a transistor onto as I placed the sundae down next to her.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"My, aren't you the hostile one," I replied.

"Well," the younger goddess scowled. "You're a demon, I'm a goddess. Do the math."

"I'm also off duty," I reminded her.

"And that's significant..." Skuld continued, deadpan. "How?"

"Kid-" I began.

"I'm not a kid," Skuld fumed. 

"Fine. Skuld," I revised. "Being a demon isn't all megalomaniacal fun. Sure, you can make it like that, but don't expect to get anywhere with it. If you want to do the job right, you have to plan, plan, and plan some more. Personally, that sounds a bit too much like work for my own liking. I'm trying to take it easy."

To emphasize easy, I downed a spoonful of my own sundae.

"Mm!" My eyes widened, causing Skuld to jump. "French Vanilla."

"Besides," I continued after another spoonful. "As I said, professionals have standards. And I like to think of myself as a professional demon, not some low brow troublemaker. I have better standards than to go around being a miscreant trying to mess with a couple of goddesses when I can get one hundred times the work done just avoiding them."

Skuld had to see the logic in that. If anything, she eyed the sundae I set next to her for just a moment.

"How do you know I like ice cream?" she asked.

"Mom," I shrugged.

"How'd she know?"

Just full of questions, aren't you Skuld?

"How do you think she'd know?" I countered. This was HILD we were talking about after all.

Skuld eyed the sundae again. She was obviously fighting the urge to pounce on it. Tearing her eyes away from it, she changed her expression to one of suspicion.

"You didn't poison it did you?" she asked. Oh how predictable of her. However, I was prepared for this. Reaching out with my spoon, I calmly took a scoop out of the sundae I prepared for her.

"HEY!" she gaped as I did so. Quickly shoving the spoon in my mouth, I simply cocked an eyebrow.

"Doesn't TASTE poisoned," I commented idly. "But if you don't want it..."

I didn't even get to finish the sentence before Skuld was wolfing hers down.

"Whoa..." I laughed. "Slow down Skuld, or you'll give yourself a brain freeze."

While Skuld did her best to clean her glass out, I took a glance at the circuit board she'd been working on.

"So what's this for?" I asked. The goddess paused from inhaling her frozen treat to look at it for a moment.

"I'm upgrading Bunpei-kun's threat management programming," she commented, then downed another bite. "After reviewing how you managed to disable him, I realized he needed an improved combat logic so he would prioritize threats better."

"So random cats can't sneak up behind him and shut him off?" I asked. Skuld nodded around another bite.

"But I have to replace the boards," she continued as if lecturing. "The old circuit board isn't efficient enough to handle the upgrade."

I couldn't claim to get anything about one board from the next. Satcomm training didn't go that far. But I got the idea.

"So what'cha gonna program him with?" I asked.

"Well," Skuld mulled on the tip of her spoon, seeming to begin to relax around me. "I think if I program him with a bunch of Bruce Lee movies, he could process the data and build a combat program based on that combined with his own statistical data set."

"Hmmm..." I nodded over a spoon full of vanilla. "Don't forget to design for failure."

Skuld paused in mid bite to look at me in an almost affronted fashion.

"Failure?" she asked. "My inventions don't fail!"

Yeah right...

I held up a finger and swallowed a bite.

"Pros always plan for failure," I pointed out. "That way, when something does go wrong, they are expecting that, and can take advantage of it. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. For example, you have a big off button on Bunpei... What if you electrified it when he was in combat mode?"

Skuld made a sour face, but obviously thought about it. While she did that, I picked up the circuit board she was working on and examined it. Nothing special... And it probably came out of a radio. But it had enough transistors and heat sinks on it to make it pretty damn obvious she was cramming as much circuitry onto it as possible. Hell, I bet with all those heat sinks, the thing probably worked like a heater too.

Transistors, heat sinks, capacitors- wait. Was that a low temp capacitor?

"Hey what's this for?" I asked, flipping the board and pointing at a blue capacitor sitting in the middle of three heat sinks.

"That's for fifteen volt current tolerance," she replied in a slightly regal tone. "Just in case there's a surge because of Urd or something. It keeps the current steady."

I looked at it again, then at Skuld, my eyebrow going up.

"Isn't that a low temperature capacitor though?" I asked.

"What about it?" she asked.

"Won't those heat sinks cause a problem?" I indicated. Not to mention, I had a doubt a fifteen-volt capacitor would really do much good against any kind of discharge Urd could fire off. But I didn't dare to mention that part to Skuld.

I had a problem like this once. I had to take a flat screen monitor into the shop for repairs. Had the issue explained to me quite clearly by the owner. Really, it was only because of that, that I even recognized the potential trouble here.

"I tested the heat it produced earlier," Skuld admonished me. "It stays plenty cool enough."

"But what about when you stuff it into Bunpei, crammed into that tiny space with no ventilation?" I continued. "What if it builds up a ton of heat in the middle of a fight, the capacitor blows, the voltage goes out of range, and instead of Kenshiro-bot, Bunpei's doing the Mexican Hat Dance?"

"Are you doubting my intelligence?" Skuld asked.

"Are you afraid the demon might be right?" I countered.

It seemed to be a method of argument that Skuld wasn't quite prepared to handle. Either she could admit she was wrong, or she could admit she was afraid of being wrong. Rather than press it, which would be something Urd would do, I simply stuffed my face with another spoonful of vanilla, and leaned back.

Skuld glared a renewed set of daggers at me for several seconds while I waited, glancing several times at the circuit board in my hand. Finally, she leaned forward and snatched it out of my grasp.

"Gimme that!"

I hid a smirk as I watched Skuld systematically dismantle her partially constructed electronic board between gulps of ice cream. I wouldn't say she destroyed it, but she did pretty much strip it down to the board. It was so easy to play the kid like a fiddle, I almost felt kind of bad for it. However, it was all for a 'good' cause. That's how I kept justifying my actions. When this was all over... If anything, they should all be better off than when they started. The method might be a bit underhanded, but I'll be damned if I let it go beyond that.

For the next forty-five minutes, I simply watched as the child rebuilt her 'combat' card at a pace that would make professional engineers green with envy. Before long, I managed to worm my way into a running discussion with her on the finer points of electrical engineering. Mostly stuff that was beyond my experience, but whatever kept Skuld talking. From there, the topic drifted into her natural curiosity about me.

I fed her a pseudo-story about my work as a demon. It was part fiction, part history, part a recount of the last few days of my life. It was actually kind of easy to cover up anything I couldn't answer. I just stuck with 'I'm not allowed to talk about it' any time she hit something I couldn't give a good answer for. Being that she fully believed that I was some kind of Special Operations demon, she bought it, hook, line, and sinker.

Our commentary eventually attracted the attention of Urd. She did her best to try and look like she was wandering by, but was forced by her own ego to relent when she realized that I wasn't just getting along with Skuld, I was actually having fun helping the kid out on her circuit board.

Naturally, upon seeing Skuld's project strewn everywhere, she had to try and belittle her sister in their usual exchange of insults.

That didn't go according to plan though. I made sure of that personally by verbally getting into the thick of it in Skuld's defense.

Skuld loved actually having someone on her side for once. Urd, was quite miffed that I spoiled her fun.

Luna simply shook her head at me while she thought nobody was looking. Like it or not kitty, it was all going according to plan. 

However, I realized something of a problem between my headache, and a sudden unexpected yawn in the middle of the argument.

While I WAS indeed making progress towards my goal, I realized that I was making SLOW progress. This was not entirely a bad thing. Slow and steady wins the race and all that jazz. But I WAS working with a rather dubious time limit. 

Namely, how long I could stay awake...

Sure, I could take one of Cologne's Joketsuzoku remedy pills, and keep myself wide-awake for the next eight hours. But I really wanted to save those as a kind of last resort after her warning about them not really being a substitute for actual sleep. And while I was burned out and tired, I did get a little sleep, so I wasn't quite desperate enough to try it yet.

Luna was about as useful as she always was in this kind of situation... Namely: Not very. Sure, she had her uses, but I couldn't come up with any ideas to draw an advantage out of a talking cat in a house full of girls who could hold a conversation with horse flies if they so desired it. So while I vied for Skuld's attention, Luna took a catnap in a sunbeam.

I should introduce her to a Garfield comic.

Finally though, Urd decided to drag me away from Skuld with the excuse that she wanted to spend some quality time 'getting to know her brother''. And when I say 'drag', I mean this in quite the literal sense.

[I found myself sitting across from her](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTMcgSTPouY) as she placed a sake bottle down and poured us both a drink. Gah... I don't like alcohol.

"So," the elder goddess began almost casually. "Why are you really here?"

I knew she'd be suspecting me, but man that was blunt.

"I told you," I rolled my eyes for effect. "I'm supposed to be taking it easy."

"Hmmm..." Urd leaned back, her face becoming passive. "Really now?"

Something about the look set off warning bells in my head. Then I realized what it was. Mother and daughter shared the same poker face. That lazy looking passive face was an indication of blatant scheming. Urd was up to something.

"You mean to tell me out of nowhere, that woman would suddenly try to put you here of all places just to relax?"

Urd is her mother's daughter, and thus, she is NOT stupid. However, I knew this. But she had something up her sleeve.

"Hah!" Urd continued. "Please... I've seen Marller do better cover-ups. You're not here to relax and recover from overdrawing your power at all. If you call that stunt of yours power."

Ah, so she saw through it... I was afraid that gap had been a bit too long.

"Venom was it?" Urd continued. "You put on a good show, but that meaningless drivel you spouted for an incantation kind of blew it."

Yep... Busted.

"Instead you manipulated the fire Marller was using," she continued. "Which caused the fuel tank to explode."

But not completely busted. Not yet... She took the ball, and ran the wrong way. That's exactly why I wanted the plan to be as absurdly simple as possible.

But still, she had a trump card.

"Then Marller goes on about it being some forbidden spell, and that phone call... " Urd rolled her eyes in seeming mockery of my previous expression before returning to that lazy smirk her mother mirrored. "You couldn't slip that past me even with a month of Sundays to plan ahead."

Urd emphasized her comment by flamboyantly waving her cup about in the air before returning it to the table. Wait. She hadn't TOUCHED her sake. Not one sip. Urd would drink sake in child form in broad daylight in the middle of a city park with children and police around and not give so much as second thought to it... For Urd not to touch a drink she had poured would indicate something was wrong with the drink.

Combine that with the fact that Urd was well known for trying to solve all her problems with high level alchemy...

The drinks were drugged. And I'm willing to bet it's the Urd specialty truth serum mix. 

"So cut the bull," she continued pointedly. "Why are you really here?"

I didn't have a lot of time to think on this. Anything I would say so long as I hadn't touched my drink she would suspect as being false. Assuming that the drinks were indeed drugged with some kind of truth formula. But if I drank the stuff and it made me spill the truth, the operation would crash and burn.

However, alchemy is not normal chemistry, it's magical chemistry. And magical things have no effect on me unless it's purely physical. And there's no such thing as a real truth serum back home. So really, if I drink it, and it has no effect on me... And Urd doesn't know it has no effect on me.

"Okay, fine," I grabbed the cup Urd had set before me and downed it quickly like a drunkard who was preparing to tell his life's story. As I didn't really like alcoholic beverages anyway, I thought it tasted horrible, but I did my best to ignore it. When I set it down, I could tell just from the fact that her expression was no longer guarded that my guess was probably right.

"I'm not here to recover," I continued. "I didn't almost cause Nidhogg to crash."

"Oh?" Urd placed her chin in her hands, a smile now plainly plastered on her face. Man, powerful as the two were, I hope Hild doesn't go betting all of hell in a game of poker. "So what really happened?"

I had one chance to make this good while Urd was certain I'd give her the truth.

"I've got about as much power as a lump of coal," I stated. "There is no special class, I don't even qualify for third class."

"And the charade?" Urd leaned in and poured me another cup.

"Just to put on a show to keep any rogue demons from trying anything while I'm here," I supplied. The more I worked it out, the more I could tie it into my original story and plan. "Mom's irritated that I don't seem to have a lot of power. She's afraid I'll try something crazy and get my ass beat."

I eyed the cup, but decided to play it cool and downed it. I hope Urd doesn't try to put me through the whole bottle, I don't know what I'm like drunk.

"So she thought she could dump you on me and expect you to learn a thing or two..." Urd suggested. Believe whatever you want, just so long as you haven't actually figured anything important out.

"Where does she get off thinking she can pull something like this?" the goddess growled. "I'm NOT a babysitter."

"Be lucky you inherited all the power," I faked an irritated grumble. "She does this all the time. Mom never lets me go very far without some kind of convoluted scheme and escape method. I'm getting sick of it."

Urd poured another cup. Okay Urd. Your alchemy might not do anything to me, but I'm not immune to alcohol. I really hope sake is weak stuff.

"She thinks I can't handle myself," I continued. "So she constantly keeps an eye on me. Despite the fact that I've picked up on all the subtle manipulation skills. What's she think I'm going to do here? Gain power by exposure?"

I downed the cup. That makes three. How strong was sake? I feel fine so far.

Urd's smile had fallen away. She didn't show many outward signs of what she was thinking, but I knew that lack of a Cheshire cat grin was a sign that she was no longer plotting. One thing I knew was that any real routine to my plan was all but lost, and I was flailing about in the dark here. Urd seemed to believe for certain now that I was her younger brother.

While she poured me another cup, I tried to reconcile how best to progress. She didn't seem jealous as I wanted, but I was now potentially a pity case. There had to be some way to make this work, but the inner workings of Urd's mind just weren't as clear cut as her outward appearance made it seem.

Glancing at my cup, I downed it. Four now. Still nothing...

"So she wants me to show you some powers I'm guessing," Urd said at length. "She could have just asked..."

"You probably would have said no," I quipped. Wait, no, bad time for that phrase. Urd glanced at me annoyed and poured another cup. God...

"I might have said yes," Urd picked at my comment. "I probably could have used it to pay her back for that favor I owe her..." 

Then she paused, looked at me, then rolled her eyes.

"Of course, she knows that too. So she probably set this whole thing up so she wouldn't have to call it up as a favor so she could keep holding that whole 'mom' issue over my head."

Urd, I don't think you could possibly get any closer to the truth without it completely going over your head.

"I'll just play into her little game then," Urd nodded at last. "So she wants you to hang around me and learn to become more powerful... I can do that. In fact, I'll train you so well you'll be a match for Marller. That will show her not to play games with me."

Wait, training? As in 'Training From HELL' kind of training? Where in this entire train of thought did you manage to come up with that absurd little idea?

At a loss for any real response, I just downed my cup again to buy myself thinking time. Still tasted like shit. The faster I downed it, the less I'd have to taste it.

"I'm not so sure that kind of regimen is a good idea," I commented.

"Nonsense!" Urd snapped. "No self-respecting brother of mine is going to go on being so weak that he has to have a watch cat around him at all times. I'm going to make a man out of you..."

Oh god, she did NOT just say that. I think she said that to Keiichi once, and the results were 'hilarious.'

"Come on!" Urd urged, standing up and leaving her sake cup untouched. "I already know just where to start! I'll grab Skuld, and we'll go pay a visit to Gan-chan! 

The RAT? Oh dear... She was going to start 'small scale' I just knew it. And it would probably result in me blowing my cover when I don't shrink down, and she can't shrink me down.

"Shouldn't we wait until I'm feeling better?" I asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"You said there was no near system crash," Urd pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I suddenly stop feeling like crap," I pointed out. "I've still got a headache from overdoing it."

"Oh suck it up," Urd turned towards me. "You can handle it."

I reacted in an attempt to delay her by throwing myself back and trying to crawl to my feet.

"Look," I began. "Mom still wants me to take it easy and-"

Whoa...

I never finished the sentence as the room tried its best to reposition itself at ninety-degree angles to a week last Tuesday. In retrospect, I understood what happened. The sake I drank didn't really hit me until I stood up. As soon as I did, my blood got pumping, and the alcohol I had consumed hit almost all at once.

I stumbled back trying not to fall over as Urd's look of mischievous determination turned to one of chagrin.

"Too much essence of honesty," I heard her mutter. "I didn't know it had quite that side effect though..." 

Great, just great... Now I'm insta-drunk and probably about to pass out and who knows what else in this state. I had to focus. Just focus.

"Luna," I began. "LUNA!"

The feline bolted into the room looking panicked. I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking as my mind started to swim, but I remember running into a wall framing board and sliding down to a sitting position. The other thing I remember was latching on to the notion that alcohol was a depressant. Considering my state at this point, I must have come to a logical conclusion.

"We're going!" I managed to shake out as I tried to focus on Urd's curious face.

Luna knew what that meant and ripped past the goddess and jumped into my lap.

"You okay?" Urd asked, a look of concern coming over her face.

"Probably not," was the last thing I remember saying.

 

I'm not sure how long it was, but I eventually awoke of my own volition to a horrible pounding headache. Again, I had no idea where I was, again, it was dark, again I was probably lying next to some fictional girl. The feeling of warm and fluffy sitting on my chest was enough to inform me that Luna was still with me, keeping watch. Which meant it was still safe.

I lay there unmoving for a while, just staring at the ceiling of this new location while my head pounded. It seemed like everything was against me all of a sudden. It was almost depressing. To hell with moving, to hell with trying to save my hide. This was such a pain in the ass, was it really worth getting so worked up over?

I'm not sure, but this whole pattern was getting sickening. Just when things are looking up, I'm right back in the shit again. And as I had just discovered, any possible planning I could come up with beyond the immediate was a waste. How can I possibly get anything done if I'm limited to less than twenty-four hours to get it done?

And this headache, god damn, I'm tired.

You know what? Fuck it, I'm not even going to bother. I'm just going to go right back to sleep. Catch as many zeds as possible before the next girl discovers me and makes my life another high-speed mental gamble. I'm not getting up until I have to. 

I allowed myself to nod back off, doing my best to ignore the headache.

 

It didn't seem like I was out for more than a few moments before the sound of Luna talking quickly and defensively off to my side with someone dragged my mind kicking and screaming back to reality... whichever one it was.

 There was another voice mixed in too... A voice that wasn't female... I couldn't quite place it, but it too seemed a bit stressed, and kept commenting with the most damned annoying pieces of horrible English to curse my ears. 

Then it clicked. Senbei...

I sat bolt upright so fast it shocked Luna.

"Nice to see you're awake," the feline admonished as I blinked. "I've been trying to explain the situation to these two as best as I could."

I blinked some sleep out of my eyes, feeling no more rested than when I woke up in Marller's little coffin. Sighing, I turned to Senbei, who seemed to be nonplussed at his new environment. Great, now I had even more baggage. Give me a few worlds and I'd probably collect another half-dozen sidekicks...

I guess I should apologize to the girl I landed in bed with this time. At least now I had enough weird shit to explain myself with. I might be able to simply reason with-

 

Blue jumpsuit, brown braided hair, big round glasses...

 

I had Mossy off my shoulder, off safety and aimed so fast I'm not even sure how I did it.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" I snapped. 

Quattro took a step back as I pumped a round into the chamber.

 


	20. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a situation where you have encyclopedic knowledge of the plot, the characters, and the story, it may be tempting to spill it all as soon as you can, just to make yourself look cool. It may be impressive to divulge such information, I can grant you that. But since the beginning of recorded history, we have seen the POWER of information dominance and deception. Sun Tzu said it himself. "The Art of War is the Art of Deception."
> 
> With phenomenal, godlike knowledge you have to wonder just how much power you wield. And how many problems could crop up just as soon as you open your mouth.
> 
> In a harmless situation, it might be cool, or everyone might be disturbed by your stalker-accurate knowledge of their lives. In other situations, the results could vary from saving the galaxy, to making you the primary target for a hit.
> 
> So ask yourself. What is the best way to make use of your knowledge? Is it better used in the open, or kept to yourself?
> 
> Ponder on that to yourself.

* * *

**Chapter 20: IV**

_"It never ends!"_

* * *

 

Why?

Why, why, WHY!

Why did it seem every situation I land in is inherently WORSE than the last? Is it some kind of cosmic joke? Is there some higher entity; some 'Random Omnipotent Being' running me through the ultimate fantasy obstacle course? Am I being used as a lab rat in an experiment to see just how far I can push my luck?

Dammit! If I find what's responsible for my selection of destinations, I'm going to take Motoko's knife, and I'm going to shove it so far up its proverbial ass it'll be able to taste the steel! Then I'm going to find some composition B and I'm going to pack it into a pipe with nails rubber banded to it, and I'm going to shove that down its throat. Then I'll pack it all into a box, ship it to Hawaii third class, and throw it down Mauna Loa.

I mean seriously! For the particular story I'm in, there had to be nearly a dozen options for a destination bed. I could have landed between Nanoha and Fate, or Hyate, or even Signum or as creepy as it sounds, Vita.

But NO! I had to land into bed with little miss closet sociopath psycho-chick herself: Quattro. And oh yes, that would make this Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, circa Strikers.

* * *

**World 7: Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha (StrikerS season)**

(Magical Girls taking after laser-happy giant robots.)

_"You **will** be befriended.  Resistance is futile."_

* * *

 

What is it with things getting consecutively worse with each jump? First it's the princess, and then the elite man-hater, then the gun obsessed schoolgirl, followed by the firebrand, the homicidal catgirl, the grudge-holding demon, and now the psychotic cyborg! Did I miss anyone? Maybe next I'll wake up with Asuka! Then I'll have her mental issues to deal with! That would be WONDERFUL!

ASSUMING I FUCKING SURVIVE!

Then I can punch Shinji in the face and tell him to man up! That'll relieve my stress! I'm tired! I've got a headache, my arm's hurting now, I'm probably in mortal danger, I didn't get that favor out of Hild, and my foot itches.

Give me an excuse Quattro! Give it to me so I can renovate your cranium!

I continued to glare down the barrel of my shotgun, daring the cyborg to try anything. All I needed was a hostile twitch, anything that betrayed her true nature. Out of all the cyborg girls known as 'The Numbers' Quattro was the one I was most wary of. Through most of the entire running series, she played the part of the airhead ditz. A ditz with a side of playful wickedness... It wasn't until something like the last two or three episodes that the facade came off and she revealed just how much of a manipulative bitch she really was.

I mean, comparatively speaking, what I've done is a drop in the bucket to her. This girl had brainwashed a little girl into trying to kill her own adopted mother, and forced the two to have a full scale battle while she looked on with a smile. Or, she will... I think. Man this was confusing.

Calming down to think upon it, I really did have a problem. If I was with Quattro, that means I was in her room/quarters/personal space. That would mean I was in the base of the notorious Jail Scaglietti. Which means that where there's one cyborg girl, there's about a dozen more.

Which in turn means that I couldn't win, again. If I acted on my impulse to blow Quattro's head off RIGHT HERE like I so wanted to, I was going to have ten more girls, each strong enough to snap a steel rod, ruining my day.

Okay, so Rule One. Don't piss off the locals. That meant good guys and bad guys alike. Not pissing them off usually means not blowing their heads off. So as much as I wanted to dish out some outside context justice, I had to hold myself back. If I kill her, her sisters wouldn't think twice about killing me.

That limited my options. Something I realized I had to think about very quickly as Luna continued to stare at me expectantly. This was a world of magic and techno-magic. If I make a ripple every time I go somewhere, the Doctor already knew I was here. If that was the case, then the others were already descending on us like the intruders we were. What were my chances of fighting off nearly a dozen combat cyborgs that had powers to go up against magic tanks and win so easily it was boring?

"So," Quattro began in a very convincing innocent voice, tilting her head. "Who are you again?"

Survey says: Not much...

"DON'T MOVE!" I snapped. Quattro froze again, giving me a paradoxically hurt innocent look.

So... I couldn't blow her away without everyone trying to kill me, everyone was likely to at least pounce when they get in here, and I couldn't win a protracted firefight. This was fucked up beyond all recognition.

"What's going on?" Luna questioned me cautiously as she walked over. "Who IS she?"

And to make things worse, I couldn't give Luna an explanation. Information was exactly what made Quattro so dangerous. If I revealed how much I knew, I was a dead man. Correction, I was tortured, then dead, then reanimated by Scaglietti's magical sciences into something akin to a self-aware zombie puppet. That would be worse than death...

If I wanted out of this situation, I needed a trump card. Something to hold back the tide. Dammit, these bluffs are getting more and more dangerous each time. Did I have anything that could even create that kind of potential?

"You don't have to be scared," Quattro cooed, putting her hands in the air. "I'm not going to hurt you."

She must think I'm over reacting. Luna said she was trying to explain the situation when I woke up. God I hope she kept it to a minimum.

"Just put the device down," she continued. "And we'll talk about it okay?"

Before, or after my autopsy? Think man, THINK... My head hurts, I don't want to think.

FUCK YOU! Think anyway or a headache will be just the start of the hurting!

Fine dammit! What do we have in inventory?

Shotgun, grenade, claymore mine... Weapons, but not enough firepower here. What else?

Motoko's dagger? Good on demons but might piss a cyborg girl off. No-go...

Digital Camera, Ipod, headphones, leatherman! No. No. No! NO!

Rainbow Crystal... Dammit! I can't use magic. Even if that thing has massive amounts of magical power, I couldn't do jack with it. It might as well be a shiny little magically charged beacon shouting: 'HERE I AM! MAGICAL ARTIFACT!'

Oh wait, that explains how Hild found me... Duh. I keep forgetting that thing's one seventh of a reality altering magical item. The damn thing probably registered as power incarnate.

Maybe I can put it to use. I mean, I can't use it, but THEY don't know that. Maybe, just maybe... Nah...

Well, yeah, maybe... I mean: the Jewel Seeds were power incarnate and unstable little fuckers... Raw Power, unstable... That was usually a recipe for making an offering to the Boom God.

Considering just how much power the Rainbow Crystal must have... Yeah, I've probably got at least a tac-nuke.

"Senbei," I began.

"Yes sir!" The action figure-sized demon god turned to me for some kind of direction.

"Backpack," I nodded, keeping Mossy trained on Quattro's head. "Second pocket... There's a little blue crystal in there. Grab it."

"On it!" Senbei zipped behind me.

Luna looked at me as if to ask what I was planning, but seemed to realize from the way I was behaving that it was better off being unsaid. Quattro was looking just a touch too comfortable for someone who had a shotgun pointed at her face. She knew her sisters would show up soon enough. All she had to do was play possum. She was good at playing possum.

"OHHHH! Hohohohohoooo!" Senbei suddenly almost cackled in awe. "This is item of value! A rare TREASURE! I feel wealthy just looking at it!"

"Less theatrics, more following instructions," I indicated, glancing away from Quattro for a heartbeat. "Hurry up..."

The little demon god did as told, yanking something out of my backpack pocket and floating around where I could see him. The little golf ball sized crystal looked proportionally huge in his arms.

"A RAINBOW CRYSTAL!" Luna blurted out. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!"

"Remember Zoicite?" I asked, trying not to shudder as my memory dug up the look on his face when I, not now!

Luna gaped openly.

"You had that the entire time?" she asked. "And you never told me?"

"I forgot," I glanced at her. "Sue me."

As I glanced at the feline, I spotted something out of place. Something sticking out of the floo- OH SHIT! Sein. They're already here. Probably listening on the other side of the door while she tried to sneak up below me. Don't panic, don't panic... You're only about to be out-numbered ten to one.

"Senbei," I turned, reaching with my supporting hand. "Crystal. Now!"

I snatched up the little blue crystal, making sure Quattro didn't move a muscle.

"Get ready to do what you do best Senbei," I continued instructing.

"If you'd just put your weapon down..." Quattro moved sideways a bit, continuing her attempt at playing the calming one. It was the opposite direction Sein was sneaking up on me from... She was trying to distract me.

"You shutup," I ordered, leveling Mossy on her again. This was about to get very, VERY problematic. I really didn't want to go through with this, but I was literally backed into a corner in a bad way and it was really starting to scare the shit out of me. The longer I wait, the more likely I'll screw things up. Better get it over with...

"AND YOU!" I spun in the direction of the finger sticking out of the floor, lining my sights up.

[Sightaimbreathetrigger!](https://samuraipenguinstudios.bandcamp.com/track/battle-theme-astral-physics-overdrive)

Mossy thundered, blasting the floor where the finger was, creating a cloud of dust and stone/concrete fragments where it hit. The owner had just enough sense to retract her hand before I had fired. She had the ability to phase and 'swim' through solid matter in a manner very similar to Ryoko, and a micro-camera on the end of her finger.

"Eh!" Quattro seemed to be surprised I'd caught her sister sneaking up on us. I ignored it and pumped as I took two steps back and aimed at the door. A moment later the thing blew in under the force of an impact. I caught sight of a couple human-shaped objects in the smoke on the other side for just an instant before I squeezed the trigger. Mossy spat buckshot, lighting the room with a brief flash, resulting in a yelp from whoever was eager enough to storm the room first.

At almost the same time, Sein came leaping out of the floor, shifting into normal phase as she did so. She intended to tackle me, but discovered immediately that I was no longer in the spot she'd seen me the first time. I don't know if I had intended the action or not, but as everything started to blur together, I remembered stepping in and swinging with everything I had, clotheslining her right out of mid air. I almost went down with her, but managed to keep my footing.

I pumped again as she tumbled to the ground, taking aim at the next person spilling in the door, almost a blur.

"SENBEI!" I snapped. "HIT EVERYONE!"

I didn't hear the little demon respond as I tried to track the fast moving blur starting to make a beeline for me. But then suddenly, Sein hopped up to her feet, almost causing me to club her again before she dove right at the blur.

"WHAT THE?" she yelped in surprise.

Her action tripped up the inhuman blur, causing them both to tumble into Quattro's little bed with a thud, revealing it to be a confused Tre to be the source. I spun and fired my weapon on the next human-sized target as they began to successfully storm the room. In response to the shot, she yelped.

"That's not a magic gun!"

I pumped again, intending to confirm her comment.

Then half the wall blew down. The concussion knocked me sideways, causing me to stumble over the entangled Sein and Tre. Through the cloud of smoke, a shorter cyborg girl with an eye patch calmly stepped through. Prioritizing Cinque over the others because of her special attack skill, I lined up my weapon on her.

She spotted the action as we made eye contact, her eyes narrowing in recognition, and threw her hand forward. As I squeezed the trigger, a barrier of energy formed in front of her. The blast of buckshot rippled against it, but otherwise didn't seem to do anything. We both silently acknowledged the result of the exchange right before one of her sisters spontaneously catapulted herself to the side seemingly out of the blue.

"Wendi! What are you doing?"

"I'm not in control of my body!"

I cycled on to the next nearest standing opponent, mentally tracking my rounds. That was four shots... I pumped again, taking aim, and immediately had to duck as a bright orange bolt zipped at my head. Would that hurt me or not? I'd rather not find out the hard way. Then the shooter got tackled.

"Get him! Not me!"

"I'm trying!"

"TRY HARDER!"

Senbei must have been having a field day. Where was he? This had to be the little demon god spamming the body control trick he used on Keiichi.

"I.S. SLAUGHTER ARMS."

I jerked at the sound of that rather ominous name to see someone attacking with crazy pink blades that looked like lightsabers. I really couldn't remember who was who on a good day, but I simply reacted the only way I knew how. Weapon up, trigger squeeze.

'click'.

Fuck. I miscounted.

My opponent got a clean strike in, taking a slash at me as I tried to scramble back... Then, to our mutual surprise, she over swung as if hitting nothing but air.

"What?" she blinked, freezing up just inches away.

My mind locked onto an automatic response, not even thinking about why I wasn't dead.

BUTTSTROKE TO THE HEAD AND HOLD

'CRACK!'

The cyborg stumbled back, holding her nose as I tested the durability of the Mossberg's telescoping stock. A testimony to how strong they were... A blow like that would have at least put a normal person in the hospital. She looked at me hard while trying to figure out what was going on, then got tackled.

"H-HEY! Where do you think you're putting your hands!"

Again, the flash of a pink bolt... This time it struck, and then passed right through me and splintered the wall. This time I did keep sense enough to think about it. The fact that it went right through me without so much as a shove only helped to solidify my logic that I'd determined with Hild. Magic did not interact with me.

"What? NO FAIR! I HIT HIM! I HIT HIM!"

Then she went down again...

"GAH!"

I looked around, panting, and froze, shocked at the tangle of female bodies tumbling around me. Holy SHIT! It was a full scale Senbei special. They were practically taking each other apart-

"Don't grope me like that!"

"IT'S NOT ME!"

Er... Well... They were certainly doing things to each other. Every time someone got up, someone else came under Senbei's control and tackled them. Damn... He may be puny, but he wasn't exaggerating about his power. I guess when you didn't have first class demons and goddesses around to show him up, he really was a 'God of Poverty and Misfortune'. He almost single-handedly caused the enemy team to self-destruct. With him, I could actually win this fight.

I stood in the middle of it, breathing hard, trying to make sure nobody was flanking me. The only ones who weren't among the mess seemed to be Uno, for obvious reasons of being the de-facto commander, Due, since she was out on her mission, and.

FUCK.

Quattro, QUATTRO! Where was Quattro?

WHERE DID SHE GO?

Shit, shit... She must have activated her Inherent Skill while I was busy. If she got very far, she could shove a knife in my back, or cloak everyone, or grab Luna- Fuck! Fuckin fuckity fuck-fuck! Silver Curtain was large-scale realistic illusion! I could think of dozens of ways to use that. That means she probably knew even more.

FUCK! THAT'S IT!

I shouldered Mossy. Reloading would just waste time. I had to act on my original idea. I had to play it in such a way that even a cloaked, backstabbing combat cyborg couldn't argue with me. My hand went to my pouch, unzipping it, and I fished out my remaining grenade. The safety clip came off, and then I grasped the pull-ring of the pin.

With a twist, and a yank, it came free.

"NOBODY MOVE!" I howled at the top of my lungs. "NOBODY! FUCKING! MOVE!"

Everyone froze as I held the grenade above my head. Senbei appeared on my shoulder sporting a smile bursting with glee while I spun around trying to make sure everyone was paying attention.

"Don't one of you so much as even THINK of trying anything," I continued. "If you do, I'll kill us all right here! Right now!"

There was silence as they started to carefully untangle from each other, trying not to startle me as they looked on skeptically.

"You don't have the GUTS!" one of them commented. I think it was Wendi... Who was who again? I'm really not good with the names of half the Numbers.

"Young lady," I glared at the bright redhead who'd spoken, my temper snapping, making my voice shake. "I have been awake for sixty hours non-stop with less than eight hours of sleep in horribly broken intervals. I've been from one survival situation to the next seven times now... I'm tired, I hurt; I've got a hangover. I've been beaten, bruised, run to exhaustion, scared to death, chased, attacked, nearly blown up a number of times, starved, nearly electrocuted... I've had it up to HERE with the bullshit I've been dealing with the last few days. So don't push me! BECAUSE I MIGHT JUST FUCKING DO IT!"

Ooh... How much of that was real?

"That weapon is not nearly powerful enough to kill us," Tre indicated as she stood up. Her comment seemed to give the other girls confidence as they took more aggressive stances.

"Oh REALLY?" I snapped, opening my other hand to reveal the Rainbow Crystal. "Go ahead. Try me. Do you know what this is? Do you see this crystal? This is raw power. If I had all seven, I could reality hack this entire planet! What do you think happens if I set this grenade off next to it? What do you think happens when something with this much magical power goes off? HUH? Take a guess... Come on! Guess!"

I waved around.

"Anyone?" I asked. "Nobody! Well here's hint: BOOM! Front row seats to your own cremation!"

"You don't know that for sure!" Sein tried to idle forward.

"TRY ME!" I snapped. "Do you want to risk being wrong? Bring it! I let go of this grenade, and you have five seconds to make peace with the world before we find out if everything in a one-mile radius becomes a nuclear hellhole! So go ahead! If you want to gamble with your life, push me a little more! You want to play Russian Roulette? Any of you? Come on!"

I looked around; nobody attempted to approach me.

"What? NOBODY?" I continued. "Well in that case, all of you just BACK OFF!"

The snarl echoed into silence around the room as everyone simultaneously took an uncertain step back. That's right. I'm the lunatic with his finger on The Button, holding a Dead Man's Switch. If I'm going down, I'm dragging everyone to hell with me kicking and screaming. Misery loves company.

"Now," I continued. "Since I don't really like being dead, we're going to have ourselves a little chat."

My frustration vented, I calmed a little. I still had to bluff like I was lost. There was no way I was letting this group know what I knew about them. If they realized at all what I had in terms of knowledge of the situation, they'd jump me and risk my threat. I wasn't about to give that up. But first, I still had to find the most dangerous one.

"Senbei," I looked to my shoulder. "The one with the glasses. She disappeared, can you find her?"

"Hmm." The demon god floated off my shoulder as he put his hand on his chin. As he did so, the girls surrounding me seemed to notice him for the first time.

"One can hide from sight," he began. "One can hide their power..."

Then he grinned and spun in place.

"But you can't hide your luck!"

With a flick of the wrist, Senbei flamboyantly did his thing for all to see.

"SHAKKIN!"

There was a small crack, and suddenly, part of the wall Cinque had blown in tumbled down. There was a yelp amidst the rubble as Quattro suddenly became visible sprawled out on the ground.

"CHECKU-MATE!" Senbei cackled. "HAHAAA!"

"What the hell?" she coughed. "That was fool proof!"

"I've got a better fool," I glared as she pulled herself up to a sitting position.

"I've really never seen a move like that before," Cinque muttered. "What kind of freaky unison device is he?"

"Non, non, non!" Senbei let off in a lecturing tone, then zipped over and floated in front of the eye-patched runt. "I am not one of these, how you say: 'unison' things. Whatever that might be. I am instead a top ELITE god of poverty. And it always pleases me to please others when it gives me the CHANCE to make people unlucky. Much like the way it makes me HAPPY to cause your misfortune if it makes me rich."

As Senbei stroked his ego, he flamboyantly began to use what could be interpreted as inappropriate body language, not to mention his terribly grating pseudo-English fragments. The numbers were fixated a bit on his bizarre acts, though they didn't seem to connect the dots that it was expressly he who'd systematically gone through them like confetti.

Still, if left to his own devices, Senbei would ham his role up to the point of absurdity. Maybe I should let him. They seemed more taken with his absurdity than threatened. But on the other hand, he could really blow it and piss them off with that flamboyant absurdity. There was also the issue that I was still holding a very much LIVE hand grenade. One that I would have to get rid of soon if the way my hand was starting to cramp up was any indication. And before anyone asks, NO, you DO NOT attempt to return the pin to a grenade once it has been pulled.

"Senbei you talk too much," I interrupted the demon god in the middle of his explanation of the conservation of happiness. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to flirt with them."

"A captive audience," he began. "To... CAPTIVATE with my stunning physique."

Ugh... And I wasn't the only one who thought that. I could almost feel the sudden desire of everyone in the room to slap their own face as Senbei almost cartoonishly inflated his body. FUCK that looked weird. To see a superdeformity on the screen was one thing. To see someone actually do it, and Senbei at that, was just out there.

"ERHEM..." Luna cleared her throat as if to say 'Get on with it'.

"Right," I continued. "ANYWAY... Now that I have everyone's UNDIVIDED-"

I waved my very nasty killing implement and the Item of Power around for emphasis.

"-attention. We're going to play a little game. This game is called 'Twenty Questions'. The rules are simple. I will ask one question, and then you will ANSWER that question. The person who answers is then allowed to ask ME one question, and only one question. We will continue playing this little game until we're comfortable enough not to violently slaughter each other. If however, anyone violates the rules... Senbei here-"

I indicated the demon god floating in the middle of the room.

"-will see to it you are penalized appropriately."

Senbei hammed his role by winking devilishly at the girls. Oh damn that was a pun...

"If anyone has any objections to this game," I continued. "I can simply move my thumb off the spoon here, and we can contemplate our new lives as disassociated clouds of ionized gas. Any objections?"

Nobody...

"Right," I nodded. Time to play extra dumb. "First question: Where am I?"

"Our base," Tre snapped in almost immediately. She must have been expecting that question. The ever-serious cyborg crossed her arms and scowled at me.

"Your turn," I nodded.

"Very well," she indicated. "Who are you?"

Really good question, I know who I was in the personal sense, but in terms they could understand WHO was I? Well, a fraction of the truth probably came out of Luna, so I'd best just let them know.

"I guess you could call me a lost traveler of sorts," I answered. "Who are you?"

"You can call us the Numbers," Tre glared again. "All our names are numbers."

Yes, I know. All based on the various number systems who are each in turn, all based on Latin. You know, Uno, Due, Tre, Quattro, Cinque... etc. In the order that the Doctor created you.

"Where did you come from?" Tre asked.

"I'm from Texas," I shrugged. "Nice place, but the traffic sucks, and it's too hot half the time."

Tre seemed to furrow her eyebrows in confusion. I bet the location was just on the edge of her mind. Earth. Then again, there was no telling if she knew the political layout of Earth beyond, well... Earth: planet that Nanoha, Ace of Aces, was from. Hell, in this universe you could say...

Earth: Mostly Harmless.

"So," I continued. "I get the who... But-"

I paused; trying to look confused, and accidentally yawned.

"Oh! Sorry..." I shook it off. "WHAT are you?"

Long pause. Of course I knew what they were. Why am I doing this again? Didn't I have any better questions?

"We're combat cyborgs," Sein finally piped up. After a pause to glance at Tre to see if she'd accidentally said too much, she looked at me again.

"How'd you get here?" she asked.

"I'm not entirely sure," I shrugged. "I seem to be randomly teleporting from world to world."

"Cheh," Tre snorted. "Why should we believe that?"

"SOMEONE is speaking out of turn," I nodded to Senbei.

"SHAKKIN!" he was having a blast.

"WHA!" Wendi suddenly yelped, then turned and started walking like a zombie towards Tre. "What am I, why am I..."

Then she dove and tackled the serious one, immediately grabbing her jumpsuit by the front.

"He-HEY! WHAT ARE YOU-"

What the hell? What is it with the sexual harassment gags around here? I gave Senbei a non-plussed look, but he simply shrugged.

"Wait, you mean he's the one-MFFMFMFM" Sein began, but was silenced when Cinque slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Don't," the eye-patched runt stated. "He might not be all that much without that bomb, but the little one is extremely powerful."

"NEXT QUESTION." I continued. Did I actually have anything I could genuinely ask? Maybe I could find out who was prone to opening their mouth. "Who's in charge around here?"

A long pause, the girls looked at each other and then suddenly...

"Why, The Doctor of course."

It was Quattro. Oh, 'that' tone... I hate that tone she uses. It makes me just want to... UGH!

"My turn?" she put on an innocent act. I couldn't do anything but nod. She smiled. It was a Hild smile.

"How do we know you're telling it to us straight," she began. "And that you aren't some TSAB agent?"

You WOULD ask a question like that...

"That's two questions," I pointed out. "But I'll answer your question with another question. How do I know you're telling it to ME straight?"

There was a pause as she tried to find a way to answer me.

"The answer to that of course," another voice began, "would be that you don't, and we don't."

Everyone turned to the hole Cinque had made.

"Doctor!"

"Doctor!"

"So in short," Dr. Jail Scaglietti idly stepped over the rubble. "We have to trust each other to be at least partially courteous to one another."

"You should stay back Doctor," Tre attempted to warn from her position. "It's not safe."

"If we go by his gamble," the scientist indicated. "My proximity doesn't matter."

Then he looked at me.

"Quite the desperate gamble too," he indicated. "Psychologically speaking, one doesn't make a gamble of this magnitude unless they feel they have absolutely nothing left to lose by doing so. Chancing suicide on the gamble that you will prevent others from attacking is a last ditch defense of a man who knows he stands no other chance at winning."

I think he's calling my bluff...

"A person who recognizes he stands no chance," the Doctor continued, "is a person who knows at least in part what he is up against. Judging by your behavior from almost the moment you appeared... Yes, I've been watching. You seem like a mouse who realized he appeared in a den full of cats."

"ERHEM..." Luna coughed.

"Apologies my dear," the scientist indicated, then he placed his hands in his pockets. "But I would have to say that our guest is not completely unaware of the situation as he might be letting on. At the very least, you are extremely aware of who and what is in this room. The extremity of your posturing indicates at least that much."

Did I just get psychoanalyzed?

"As did your seeming recognition that you were about to be ambushed," he continued. "I must applaud that."

Yeah, I just got psychoanalyzed AND Sherlocked.

"You do realize," I began, "that I am still the one holding the live grenade and the thing that may very well possibly leave the entire area a smoldering crater, right?"

"I am fully aware of this," the Doctor nodded. "But I do not fear your bluff."

"Oh?" I asked.

"You are bluffing in fear," the Doctor nodded. "Fear for your life. You want to live, to survive. You won't do it."

"You sure in your evaluation there, Doc?" I asked.

Jail closed his eyes and smiled. It wasn't the kind of smile Hild and Quattro had. It was that smile as if he had been reading a good book.

"I have nothing to fear from you," he nodded. "I have merely to offer that you have nothing to fear from us."

Wait, what? God dammit! Now he's got me confused. Bluff and counter-bluff... Who's deceiving whom here?

"You're still unsure," he nodded. "I guess that's to be expected."

Dammit, this was not something I was prepared for. On the one hand, Jail's a psychotic scientist with delusions of grandeur and no qualms about back stabbing his own supporters in the end. On the other hand, the guy's a man of principles. Twisted principles... But he does play his games by some kind of honor bound rule set. Was he genuinely offering me safety, or just waiting for me to drop my guard?

"As an indication of good faith," Jail turned to me. "I know you're carrying some kind of beacon."

I blinked. Washu's beacon?

"You've been emitting a high power neutrino burst every one hundred and twenty seconds since you arrived," the doctor indicated. "If you were with the TSAB, they would already be here."

Neutrinos? Those don't cross the dimensional boundaries. Do they? It must be a secondary effect. I'll have to ask Washu how this beacon works...

"Plus your weapons are quite obviously illegal," Jail continued. "You're not with the TSAB, and thus, I have no reason to threaten you."

Good GOD, was my planning really that full of holes?

He continued to stare at me, unflinching while his cyborg entourage looked on quietly. His logic made impeccable sense. And that was just it. He made absolutely perfect logical sense, but I also knew what he was going to do. What I knew about him, and how he was handling the situation, were completely at odds.

What to do, what to do... Dammit. It's not like I can just go to sleep and get out of this mess; I might just end up in a WORSE mess. There were still a lot of places on my list I could end up that were even LESS pleasant.

"If it helps you further," Jail continued. "This base is located several days' travel by foot to civilization. You would probably never make the trek without food and water. Let alone make the trek with that weapon armed the entire time... If you really do fear we'll come after you."

Dammit, strike three. He's right. I can run, but not far. Fuck it... I give up.

"You could be a police negotiator with the psychobabble and that cold cruel logic," I commented. It's too bad he couldn't realize his own flaws in the process.

"Do you wish to live?" he asked. "I will ensure my girls don't hurt you."

Another long pause. Luna looked back and forth warily. Senbei was floating nearby, looking ready for me to give the word. The Doc was right. Where would I go, but to sleep, and right into the next problem?

"Okay, I'll take you up on the offer," I commented. "But riddle me this."

The Doctor cocked his head to the side.

I brought my hand down, my breathing becoming ragged as my arm started to shake.

"Do you know," I began in a gasp, looking at the bleach-white knuckles on my hand, then back at him. "How to disarm a live hand grenade?"


	21. Blackjack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't win 'em all. Sometimes the best you can do is to fail as gracefully as you can. In the end all your plans are for naught, and no matter how perfect everything goes for you, you just don't have any control of the situation.
> 
> And sometimes, when you push, push, and push some more, you're eventually going to go just one step too far, bet one hand too long, and screw up spectacularly. Kind of like the rules of the card game featured in this chapter title.
> 
> Sometimes, you go too far.

* * *

**Chapter 21: Blackjack**

_"Should have folded..."_

* * *

 

The good news...

I'm not dead yet. I guess I should be thankful the situation has turned out that way.

The not so good news...

I'm now a 'guest' of the infamous dimensional criminal and all around Mad Scientist, Doctor Jail Scaglietti. And by 'guest', I of course mean prisoner.

Oh sure, I wasn't looked in a cell, or covered with armed guards, or anything like that. In fact, ever since he had defused the situation, I haven't even been so much as ordered to go anywhere against my will. But I knew that I was under non-stop surveillance, and that any attempt to leave this base would result in my immediate 'rescue' from the environment outside. See: 'Recapture'.

The Doc had a pretty simple method for taking care of my grenade. He called Sein over, had her place her hand over mine, then she quickly yanked on the grenade, phased it out with her Deep Diver skill, and stuffed it into the floor.

After the subsequent 'thump' in which the floor at my feet jumped and cracked, the group allowed me some space while I sat down against a wall to relax. Once rid of the grenade, I had broken into a full body fit of shakes. Yeah, I know I had life threatening combat with a Dark General and did better, but something about knowing that one slipup and in five seconds, you're hamburger-meat really gets to you with a certainty that just seemed more 'real' than the potential threat of getting attacked with magic. In fact, more real than most of the stuff that probably would have killed me if it had actually hit. There was just something about all the magic that just hadn't registered with the reality center of my brain yet. That was probably a good thing.

The Numbers... well, the younger ones anyway, actually looked a bit pitying at my state once I broke down. I couldn't really be sure though. The Doc's orders might have been keeping them back, or it could have been the fact that Senbei continued to smile and raising 'put up your dukes!' poses every time they even stepped closer. All the Numbers seemed to be well aware of keeping their distance from the little demon god.

Once I had managed to calm myself down again, the Doc walked over to lead me out of the room. The place was wrecked. What with the wall knocked down and everything...

He led me around his little underground base while riddling me with a series of carefully placed questions. He seemed fascinated by my ability to teleport randomly from world to world. I had to remind myself, that for all the innocent scientific curiosity, that he was technically a major villain. And so I didn't give him the full details.

While I filled him in on my story (slightly modified for content), I took the liberty of surveying the base as we wandered. The place was dim, slightly damp, and cast in an eerie green glow. What is it with mad scientists and creepy mood lighting? Don't they know that you should do 'Science!' in a brightly-lit place?

I got a feel for where the outside of the place was, as the external walls seemed to be merely unfinished stone passageways. It was as if whoever was building decided only the internal walls really needed to be made. I think the Doc was trying to get me turned around with this walk so I couldn't get a feel for where I was in case I tried to leave.

Good luck with that one. That trick might work on my mother, but I can navigate to any place I've been after visiting it just once.

The only thing that seemed out of place was a passageway leading 'away' from the base in the outside wall that had a radically different design. It looked more like someone decided an underground cathedral was the order of the day. I only caught a glimpse through the small opening that lead into it, but the corridor on the other side was huge comparatively to anything we'd been walking through.

I took a guess as to what it was, and decided to file the location of the corridor away, just in case. If I had to run for it, getting lost in the labyrinth design of something like the Cradle might be better than trying to play hide and seek in Jail's own base. After all, if I don't know what I'm doing, I should make damn well sure no one else does either. Oh, that's good for a rule. RULE THREE: If I don't know what I'm doing, I should make sure the same goes for everyone else. Then we're on even footing. I'm pretty sure that even if they did somewhat know the layout of that thing, they didn't know it as well as their base.

The entire time I was flanked by Tre on one side, who kept a leery eye on Senbei; and Quattro on the other, who gave the majority of her attention to the floating panel of 'holographic' displays that reminded me distinctly of some eerie floating green keyboard that was at home on a pipe organ. Every time the doctor asked a question, she'd punch in some data, glance at me, and punch in more data. If she caught me looking, she'd just smirk cutely. It was horribly uncomfortable to see that sociopath pretending to be likable face to face.

I did get some amusement near the end. She was so busy putting in data and trying to mess with my head that when we walked through a lab door, she smacked into the wall next to it. Serves her right.

"No," I began, backing up as she grabbed her nose. "Walking through solid objects is her power. You probably shouldn't attempt it."

I had pointed at Sein, who was with the rest of the group following up the rear. Tre had snorted in contempt at my remark but otherwise made no other indication that she even acknowledged anything I said. Instead she just glared.

The girls behind had tried to look inconspicuous. I emphasize try. But really, having eight girls each in their own jumpsuit following a dozen meters behind was about as inconspicuous as a rock concert. Luna was the one most concerned about the situation, looking over her shoulder every few seconds. She hadn't spoken much, but obviously noticed how I'd been acting ever since we got here. For a feline that had only been around me for what amounted to maybe a day, she was growing accustom to my personality and habits. She knew something was up when I had more or less clammed up, and made no attempt to ask uncomfortable questions. Which was probably for the better. Senbei just continued to follow my standing orders to stay low key like when we were playing demon.

When the Doc finally ushered us into a lab, she had given me a silent look that all but said 'not good'.

Once there, the Numbers tried to look inconspicuous. But again, eleven girls, one mad scientist, small room... Good luck... Jail was nice about it, but made it plain that I was to be all but strip-searched. He sugar-coated his every action knowing I was more cooperative to niceties than to hostility, but I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer as Uno personally unloaded the contents of my backpack.

Which lead directly to the bad news.

He took the Rainbow Crystal so he could study it.

I knew he'd take it of course. But I just couldn't think of any way to keep it out of his grasp that wasn't absurdly obvious, and I couldn't just 'lose' it in the few minutes we'd been walking around. So while Uno systematically went through the contents of my backpack, I simply stared at the Doc as he looked at the gem under what appeared to be a microscope. Fully aware that Luna was herself very tense about him having it.

The very thought of the Doc having that little crystal made my worn out brain scream bloody murder. He was bad enough with the stuff he had access to. With that single gem he could potentially be more dangerous than having the Cradle active. You couldn't hide the Cradle once it was active. It was a huge ass battleship over a mile long. But that Rainbow Crystal...

The sheer number of dangerous possibilities proved so unnerving, that while I sat with my hand on my chin, watching Jail's every move with it, I almost missed a hand slowly snaking its way to the shotgun lying next to me and picking it up. When I noticed the thing rising up to eye level, I didn't even think. My free hand just came up, and slammed the firearm right back down on the table and pinned it there.

The sound of carbon steel hitting table was enough to startle me out of my trance to realize what was going on.

"Oh," Quattro cooed innocently next to me. "So you are awake..."

I so want to punch her in the nose.

"Do not touch weapons that don't belong to you," I glared instead. "It's not SAFE."

I practically spat the word 'safe' at her, trying to remember that apart from Senbei's abilities, I was practically naked compared to my 'hosts'. Speaking of safe, I noticed another of the girls. Wendi was it? Handling a curved green block, with words reading 'FRONT TOWARD ENEMY' on the front. She was screwing a smaller component with a wire into the-

"CLAYMORE!" I practically yelped as I knocked the chair I was in over. I crossed the space in a second and yanked the mine out of her hand. Jesus Christ! She had the blasting cap in the primer-well and everything already. And of course, a few feet away, Sein was checking out the detonator, working to attach the wire to it.

"Give me that!" I snapped. "GIVE ME THAT!"

I yanked on the wire, moving over to the blue-green haired cyborg, yanking the firing device out of her hand, garnering a series of glares as Tre rounded menacingly on me.

"What are you doing?" the elder combat cyborg snapped.

"Don't touch unknown weapons!" I snapped viciously at the red head. "You trying to kill us?"

"I know what it is," Wendi growled back. "I was timing how fast I could put it together."

"STUPID!" I snapped in chorus with Tre. We glanced at each other for just a moment before I made an 'after you' motion to her.

"You know better than to handle equipment in the lab like this!" she snapped. "Do you forget the Doctor still has that crystal RIGHT OVER THERE?"

Get her! GET HER! Bark... BARK! You may not be a 'good guy', but at least you've got your priorities straight!

"But I-" Wendi began.

"No buts!" Tre snapped. "If you want to play with dangerous toys, go run the simulators. Fooling around with weapons without being trained on them is-"

A flash of light made everyone jump. I spun towards it once I realized we weren't blown up.

"Oh wow!" one of the girls whose name I forgot grinned as she lowered my digital camera. "The look on your face! Quattro, look! Look!"

"Oh?" Quattro looked curiously at the screen.

Then I noticed what was going on. While Uno had simply catalogued my stuff to assess how dangerous I really was, the remainder had quickly fallen in behind and gone rummaging through my things.

Dieci was fooling with my Ipod, pushing buttons, putting the headphones next to her ear, and listening. Dido, I think that was pink-lightsaber's name, was the one playing with my camera. Cinque was engrossed in my Leatherman Multitool. The short girl, who at first glance looked like a young boy, I think her name was Otto, was almost impassively examining my change of clothes, staring curiously at the dirty 'Mo Dakka Fo Life' shirt.

Lord help me, in an instant my opinion of the Numbers, at least the younger ones, had been steam rolled. For all their deadly abilities as enhanced magical cyborg super-soldiers, they were like kids.

Wait... Half of them WERE kids, more or less. FUCKING HELL!

"No," I began, dropping the claymore gear on the table, then pausing to pocket the detonator. "No. No... NO... NO! NO!"

As I said that, I walked over and yanked my camera away from Dido.

"Not yours!" I snapped as she looked at me shocked. "Mine-"

I turned and grabbed the headphones out of Dieci's hand.

"-Mine-"

I grabbed the Ipod.

"-Mine too-"

I snapped up my leatherman.

"MINE!"

I grabbed the 'Mo Dakka Fo Life' shirt.

"And still mine!"

Then turned and dumped the stuff back on the table, and saw Sein had moved on to pick up the Mossberg.

'WHAM!' Tre slammed the weapon down this time.

"Okay everyone out!" she snapped angrily. "All of you! OUT!"

"We're just-"

"OUT!" she thundered. In an instant, the younger cyborg girls cleared the lab.

"Always babysitting," she grumbled under her breath just loud enough for me to hear.

"Yeah," I muttered back. "Freakin' kids..."

Tre turned and glared viciously at me, reminding me that while we shared the same sentiment, she most certainly was an enemy. She then turned quickly away and wandered back over to the Doctor to see what he was doing.

"Yep," Quattro continued as she walked up next to me. "Always messing with things they shouldn't, aren't they?"

I'm not talking to you, psycho.

"Now-now," Jail commented idly from his spot behind a machine while I started taking the claymore apart again. "You can't blame them for curiosity. Our guest isn't from around here after all."

"So," Quattro wandered away from me. "Anything interesting about that little crystal?"

Jail looked up from his device, and my heart sank. The look on his face was that of barely contained megalomaniacal glee.

"MAGNIFICANT!" he declared. "I have never seen such a fine specimen as this. It has to be hundreds- NO! THOUSANDS of times more potent than a Jewel seed."

There were a series of gasps from the remaining three elder cyborgs. I noticed Luna hang her head in exasperation in a corner.

"Impossible," Tre snapped. "An artifact THAT powerful would never go unnoticed by the TSAB."

"Normally you would be correct," the Doc continued. "However this crystal has an amazing form of magic that I've never seen before. It's superbly stable to the point it doesn't even give off much excess power. But it's got so much raw power within..."

Jail stood from his machine and walked around.

"Young man," he continued at length. "You said it was one of seven-"

Me and my big mouth...

"How did you get it?"

There was no way I was going to tell this guy how to get his hands on the other Rainbow Crystals. He could probably do more than enough damage if he figured out how to harness just one. But if he somehow managed to go universe hopping and got his hands on all seven and got the Silver Crystal...

"Looted it off a corpse," I shrugged. "You'd have to ask the monster I killed, except he's, well, very much dead."

That seemed to work. Jail's expression deflated back to something more or less 'sane'.

"A pity," he sighed. "I guess just the one will have to do then."

Then he turned to face Senbei, who'd made himself quite comfortable sitting on a shelf.

"But that's not the only interesting thing," the Doc continued as he strode across the room. "Your little friend here is quite something. What did you say your name was?"

"Senbei," the little demon-god floated into a standing position and took a sweeping bow. "God of Poverty and Misfortune, at your service."

"God, of poverty," Jail furrowed his brow. "Interesting... So you're saying you have power over wealth?"

"PRECISOOREE!" Senbei raised a finger as he belted out his now tired Engrish. "As everyone knows, happiness is wealth! And I control this vast wealth by taking it from others, and giving it to myself! So by making others unhappy and poor, I can make myself incredibly rich!"

He then turned his head and winked. "That is the law of the conservation of happiness."

I know he'd started with this earlier, but this time, he drew a blank, confused look out of the doctor and the other's present. My gut instantly warned me that this would lead to no good. Senbei was a wild card even in his own world.

"Perhaps you could be a little more clear," Jail tilted his head to the side.

"A pleasure," Senbei nodded. "I am always happy to make others unlucky! It is by taking away their luck, and thus, their happiness, that allows me to grow richer and richer!"

"Oh!" The Doctor started to smile. "So you can control probability?"

Oh god, SENBEI! Don't give him any ideas!

"Probably..." Senbei wagged his finger. "Probably not. Something so crude as the mathematical variables of chance are but mere tools to me. My skills are far GREATER than that!"

"Perhaps a demonstration of these abilities would be in order," Jail pondered. I froze. Luna noticed me stiffen. So did Quattro.

"YESU..." Senbei smiled flamboyantly. "I aim to please, as it pleases me."

Uh oh... Senbei looked around the room mischievously before his eyes settled on Uno.

"TARGETO-LOCK!" he grinned, and zipped out of sight.

I had no idea what the demon god was about to do, but I didn't want to sit here and find out. Not while he was fooling around. I dropped what I was doing and made for the door, slapping a button I'd seen to open it. Luna tore after me.

"SHAKKIN!"

I whirled around against the wall and slapped the door button, sliding it shut just as a series of crashes and yells emanated from the space I'd just vacated. Then I noticed I wasn't the only one who'd made haste out of the room. Quattro stood just opposite of me, staring uneasily at the sounds coming through the metal barrier.

When she noticed I was looking, she smirked.

"What do you want?" I glared.

"I'm just following you," she replied.

"Why?" I asked.

"You seem like you know what you're doing?" she shrugged.

Fair enough. Though really I wish you had stayed in there.

At this point it was quiet behind the door again. So I tapped the button and peeked through the opening. Some of the Doc's lab equipment was broken on the floor; Jail himself tangled under an overturned table with Uno. Tre was pressed against the far wall looking nervous as Senbei sat on her shoulder admiring his handiwork.

"See?" the demon-god asked in quite a self-promoting tone. "It's an art that I'm quite accustomed to. You can't perfect this technique with just anyone."

"Doctor!" Quattro covered her mouth then quickly moved over to haul the table off him. "Are you okay?"

"Huhuhu..." Jail's body shook as he started pushing himself off Uno, who in turn looked a bit shocked.

"Wonderful," he continued. "Simply wonderful. Such POWER from such small source, and with such accuracy and control."

He turned to Senbei who was now reclining against Tre's neck, examining the back of his white-gloved hand in self-satisfaction.

"I must learn more," he smirked as Quattro dusted some debris of his lab coat.

"Bad, idea..." thought out loud. In my mind, I could see him creating a combat cyborg with powers similar to Senbei, and almost instantly, I envisioned Mihoshi in a blue jumpsuit.

"VERY bad idea..." I continued with a shudder.

"You don't like it?" the Doc asked curiously. I simply started to laugh unsteadily as an answer, looking at Senbei in the process.

No, I don't like it. At all... In fact, I needed to somehow get Senbei, Luna, the Rainbow Crystal, and myself the hell up out of here before the Doc found a way to accidentally summon Khorne, or Slanesh, or some other 40K Chaos God.

I emphasize 'somehow'...

Because once I had managed to stuff everything back into my backpack and get my gear strapped back on the way it belonged, I had been ushered off to breakfast by Uno at the Doc's bidding. Which meant I had been removed from the proximity of the lab, and the crystal.

Breakfast was of course, welcome, and I managed... I think I managed, to hide the fact that I made sure I watched someone else eat their food first before I dug into mine. I'm not entirely sure what it was. But it had a meaty taste like Spam, the consistency of rice, with just a hint of lemon pepper.

This combined with a huge helping of good old water did wonders for my headache, at least for now. But I was becoming more and more aware of how much just about every part of my body seemed to ache, and how the room was too cold. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. Who knows what weird mutated version of the flu lurks across these realities. Just what I need... Space Flu, or Demon Measles, or a magical cold... Don't ask me how that last one would work.

This did nothing but make my mood increasingly volatile as the 'morning' dragged on. Frankly, I have no idea WHAT time it is. I'm underground. My best guess is based on a combination of what meal everyone eats, and the fact that I keep showing up at what amounts to four AM.

Suffice to say though that being well past what I would call my 'sanity limit' some time back when I went postal on Zoicite, I was very much aware that I'd become quite unhinged once the little sleep I had gotten had worn off.

Quattro did not make things any easier. I swear, she must be trying to collect data on me for the Doc or something. Does anyone have a cat? It's like having a cat, and I don't mean Luna. I mean a normal, silly little kitty: one that no matter what always seems to gravitate right to the one person in the crowd who doesn't like cats.

To put it bluntly: I don't like Quattro. But she wouldn't take a hint and leave me alone.

Well, to be honest, I didn't TRUST Quattro. As a character, I found her entertaining if only desperately in need of a good ass kicking. But things are a little different when they stop being a character, and start being real. And I wouldn't mind her attempting to talk to me every five minutes if I didn't know for a fact that she was right on the edge of homicidal maniac.

Freakin' psychopath. Why, why does it always have to be the cute ones? It's like that attributes selection for guys who are looking for the perfect girlfriend:

Single, sane, smart, pretty. Pick two and flip a coin.

Quattro wasn't the only one giving me excessive attention. Despite the freedom to generally have fun as misguided magical super soldiers, off days in the base must be boring as all hell. If they weren't out on a mission, they would either play (train) in the simulator, or goof off in the base. That's the only thing I could see actually happening around here aside from soak in the 'bacta tanks' for a few hours. I saw some of those on my 'tour'. How do they BREATHE in those things? Is the liquid super-oxygenated like in 'The Abyss'?

Dah, whatever...

Needless to say, this made ME the most interesting thing to happen in who knows how many weeks.

There were exceptions, like Tre, who glared at me any time I looked in her direction. I think she either didn't trust me, or thought the stuff that had happened to her was my fault. Or maybe both. Probably both. She's 'Serious Business' like Haruka.

Then there was Cinque, who kept her distance, but seemed to be studying me every few minutes. Getting a suspicious glance from Little 'Big Boss' wasn't as bad as the constant prying of the psychopath in the glasses sitting directly across from me... Or Sein, who was bugging me about my shotgun and going on about how weak it was and how I should get a more powerful weapon. Or Dido, who had straight up asked me how I had managed not to be hurt by her attack earlier in the day.

"Maybe you should get your beam sabers checked," I had shrugged. "Using Slaughter Arms on someone probably doesn't work if the weapons are malfunctioning."

Dido had given me the most confused look.

"What?" I asked, hoping she would just drop it.

"My I.S. is not slaughter arms."

"That's her inherent skill," Quattro pointed down the table to one of the few others who hadn't bugged me. Wait, that was the girl with the wicked-ass wrist blades of doom. SOLID, wicked-ass wrist blades of doom... Oh god, I must have heard one and saw the other. If she'd made her attack I'd be confetti. Or, at the very least, in need of a new pair of arms... Not that spare parts were in short supply in a base full of genetically engineered cyborg super soldiers, but I liked these arms. One could even say I'm rather attached to them.

"Hmmm..." I nodded quietly, trying not to give away what I was thinking. This was getting uncomfortable, and I was exhausted. I needed to plan a method to retrieve that crystal and escape alive. And I couldn't do it while the girls were busy pestering me.

So I did the one thing I found worked really well when you wanted people to leave you alone.

I pulled out my headphones, and stuck them on my head. Then drowned everyone out with music from my Ipod. Nice, loud music... Courtesy of POD...

["BOOM! Here comes the... BOOM! Ready or not!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMzuzMD6eF4)

Of course, the Numbers who'd been bothering me weren't exactly happy that I had decided to ignore them. Which was just fine with me since this included Quattro getting a touch pouty. Anything that upset Quattro was fine in my book.

Now, how am I going to get that crystal back?

Chances are, the lab had surveillance. Well, technically, no chances about it. That lab DID have surveillance. And probably a very simple item known as a lock. And drones- Fuck I forgot about the drones!

If I got in without permission, I wouldn't be leaving the way I came.

The way I came? Wait... I could leave, and there's nothing they could do to stop me, especially not knowing about it. All I have to do is get into the lab, and then take a nap. The way I was feeling, I could sleep anywhere at this point. Shoving my ass into a cabinet and hiding just long enough to pass out from exhaustion shouldn't be too hard. By the time they realized I had not even attempted to leave, I'd be busy trying not to get megabranded by Lina Inverse or something in another universe.

Not a pleasing prospect, but it beats letting the mad scientist play with the proverbial chaos emerald.

The only thing left was getting through the lock. Actually, that wouldn't be a problem. I have the number one natural enemy to locked doors everywhere, a block of C4 in the form of a claymore mine. And nobody took it from me.

All I need to do is open the block up with my Leatherman, plant the primer and detonator, walk around the corner and blow the door off. After that I'll probably have about thirty seconds to a minute before the room gets swarmed, and I should be tucked into a cabinet with Luna and Senbei heading for my next unpleasant destination.

Silly combat cyborgs and their complacency in my inability to cause damage... You want to see just how capable a plain human can be? Just watch and learn suckers. Heheheheh...

Wait.

Did I just cackle maniacally? I shouldn't do that, especially when I'm sitting here in the middle of the people who can ruin everything.

Man, I hope Washu figures something out before I go insane.

More than I already am...

Seriously, I mean it.

I'm monologuing to myself about a plan that stands about as much success as any of the other hare-brained schemes I've concocted while in the middle of my 'opponents' while they stare at me with shit-eating grins-

Wait, why was Quattro staring at me like that? That's not her psycho-patented smile.

Then I noticed the reflection off her glasses, showing Sein to be-

"What are you doing?" I yanked my headphones off, spinning to face her. The blue-green haired cyborg girl yanked her hand back quickly as I did so.

"Nothing!" she chirped in faux innocence.

Sure you weren't... What were you doing girl? Using the deep diver skill to put your finger camera inside my headphones so you could listen?

"You want to listen?" I indicated the headphones. Sein hesitated then nodded.

"Here," I handed her the pair, which she glanced at for a moment, then stuck over her ears.

For a moment, nothing happened, then she started to smile and bob her head from side to side.

Well! I finally found something that shut up at least one of these cybernetic sugar rushes. Only eleven more to go.

If only I had about ten more Ipods...

Then I could just de-claw Jail's cybernetic army and pull the carpet right out from under him without anyone firing a shot.

Good luck with that scheme though... To pull something like that off, I'd need MONTHS of interaction time and access to all the junk media I could get my hands on. You know... Everything I don't have.

Still, the distraction proved effective. In showing favoritism to Sein by letting her listen to my Ipod, I generated a rather interesting reaction. Having been attempting this for the better part of a day, I recognized it immediately when it happened.

Jealousy...

The more vocal of the Numbers started clustering around me, each wanting a turn with the tiny little MP3 player. Eventually, even the less vocal ones had squeezed in. Amazing what a mere toy can do. After a while, the only ones who hadn't joined the 'fun' were still Tre, and Cinque. The former left with a scowl before too long, thanks to a video summon by Uno.

The latter continued to stare, ever so measuring, seemingly content to watch. I'm not sure what it was with her, but I had the feeling she was watching me even more so than Quattro. If that were possible...

Ugh! That innocent smirk Quattro uses... Keeps sending chills up my spine.

The fun finally died when the unthinkable happened. My Ipod clicked off to a dead battery. And much as I'd like to say they weren't, the Numbers behaved just like your average teenager. Once the fun stopped, they had nothing to do with you.

I spent the next few hours pretty much alone, save for the comings and goings of one girl or another. Even Quattro had gotten up to take care of some 'chore' or another. Having pondered more on my escape plan, I decided it would be best to implement it when I was so blasted tired I could pass out standing up. If I could pass out standing up, much like I did at Hikawa, I could easily pass out even with the threat of pain bearing down on me.

So I waited, and I waited...

Now I understand why the military teaches you hurry up and wait...

The waiting also served another purpose. I needed to wait for the right moment to make my move. If I went to the lab too soon, I might very well blow the door down only to find a very ANGRY mad scientist on the other side.

Said opportunity finally occurred, I don't know when, but I had become so stiff from hanging around this dining area that I almost didn't want to move. I noticed Jail and Uno walk by the entrance discussing a screen floating alongside them.

Immediately I made my move.

"Hey," I began, addressing the only other person in the room at this time, Dieci. "Where's the bathroom?"

The cyborg looked a bit surprised at being addressed, but after a moment, pointed at the exit.

"Down the corridor, turn right, second door on the left."

"Thanks," I nodded.

"You're wel-"

[I was out of the room.](https://samuraipenguinstudios.bandcamp.com/track/mg-mister-clandestine)

Senbei quietly lurking on my shoulder, Luna quickly on my tail, I made in the direction of the bathroom. Someone was tracking me. I just knew it. I had to make this look Legit, at least until I could make a beeline for the lab.

Stopping at the bathroom, I quickly tapped the door open, then walked inside and shut it. If anyone were watching my movements, I would have to wait a few minutes. Then move on.

Once out, I looked around, acting as if I had gotten turned around, then began wandering in the direction of the lab. I knew exactly where it was. But if I stumbled into one of the girls, I could feign confusion and just act lost. Plus, whoever had to be checking me over on the monitor once they realized I was on the move would simply see me wandering around aimlessly.

First I wandered the corridors, and then back tracked a couple halls through the 'bacta tank' area. Then followed a cross-hall until I reached the outside wall, turned left, and followed it past the entrance to the Cradle, stopping only for a moment to fish out my digital camera and snap a picture.

As I got closer to the lab, I started to get really nervous. I hadn't met any of the girls wandering around, or heard them. I hadn't tripped any alarms, or met any gadget drones on automatic security routes.

"Luna," I indicated quietly. "Keep an eye out for ANYTHING out of place."

The feline nodded as I approached the lab door. My instincts told me there was trouble brewing, and I knew they were right. As I remembered, the place did have intruder detection and security systems. If I hadn't triggered them yet, I knew what I was about to do would cause it shortly.

Yanking on my strap, I started freeing my Leatherman. I probably should have done this ahead of time, but dismantling a claymore mine might have generated questions.

"What are you doing?" Luna asked as she glanced up and down the corridor.

"I'm going to blow the door in and get the crystal," I whispered. "Then we're leaving, so stay close."

"It's unlocked," she hissed.

I stopped.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yes," Luna nodded at the door, where indeed, the lock indicator was green, not red. I guess since Jail rarely ever has any guests, he doesn't see a reason to lock down every room.

Or it was a trap, which would explain everything being 'too' easy.

Hope for the former, bet on the latter.

"Senbei," I whispered. In an instant, the demon-god zipped into sight on my shoulder.

"Yes?" he whispered back.

"Teleport inside," I indicated the lab. "Check and see if anyone's in there."

"Roger!" he saluted, and with a pop, was gone. There was a brief pause for several seconds before he reappeared.

"All clear," he indicated.

I thumbed the door button, opening the lab with a sickeningly louder hiss than I really wanted. Luna whisked inside first before I followed suit. With one last look around the halls, I shut the door behind us.

"Two minutes," I stated as soon as the door shut. "After that we assume the whole place comes down on us like nuclear hellfire, so let's find the crystal and bug out."

Immediately, we split up and began to search. The first place I looked for the Rainbow Crystal was the microscope-looking device the Doc had been using to examine it. It would have been nice if it had been there, but it wasn't. So I had to expand my search quickly.

Some of the lab equipment was still strewn about from Senbei's previous little act of wanton chaos, though the table was back where it belonged. There were also other things lying around. Bits of drone parts most likely so Jail could make adjustments for performance, the wrist blades that belonged to that one cyborg whose name I can never remember... Looking more closely, they weren't wrist blades at all, but had really strangely placed handles. Copout... Then there were Dido's beam sabers laying deactivated on another table. Heh... She must have taken my comment about getting them checked seriously.

Then there was- Hello...

I reached down to an item next to Dido's beam swords. What do we have here? Is this- IT IS! I grinned as I picked up what looked like a clawed glove off the table. It's the Doctor's power glove. I remember what he did with this baby. He tied Fate up with magical red strings. (Red strings of Fate? Punny...) Then blasted her, then this same glove CAUGHT her giant beam sword attack.

I slipped the glove on over my right hand for a quick test fit. I couldn't use its powers since I was non-magical, but I could goof off for a second. Hell, if I make off with it, I deprive the Doc of his weapon until he could make a new one.

In fact, I should probably make off with anything and everything of value in here and sort it out later. But first...

"Any luck?" I asked my two associates.

"Nothing," Luna spat.

"Nada." Senbei looked downtrodden.

"Dammit!" I snapped. "Don't tell me he kept it on him, that means I'm going to have to find a way to-"

"A way to what?" Quattro's voice suddenly chirped from seemingly nowhere.

Oh fuck, I knew it was too easy.

There was a fuzzy green glow from the corner, and what had previously been an empty space dissolved into three distinctly feminine figures: Cinque, Tre, and Quattro.

"Shit!" I snapped, grabbing at the nearest item, which was one of Dido's beam sabers. "Senbei!"

"Roger!" Senbei grinned, turning to the three.

"No you will not," Cinque narrowed her eyes, and with a flash, Senbei was surrounded by dozens of highly explosive knife... thingies.

The demon-god paused to ascertain this threat for just a moment as I fumbled around with the beam saber looking for an on switch.

"I told you he would come back here," Quattro commented with just the slightest hint of a smile. "He wants that crystal. It was obvious."

"It's MINE!" I snapped in response to the psychopath.

Tre simply glared at me with her arms crossed.

"That belongs to the Doctor now," she indicated in a cold tone.

"The HELL it does," I snarled. "That thing belongs back in its home reality."

"You should show some thanks to the Doctor's generosity," Cinque commented passively.

"You mean taking me prisoner in all but name?" I asked sarcastically. There was a pink flash as I found the button, igniting the beam saber. "I didn't ask to get teleported all over high hell and back again. I didn't ask to get deposited in the middle of your base, I didn't ask to get put in positions where I keep having to fight people."

"Then why do you have Dido's weapon?" Tre glared.

"Let's just say I'm a bit paranoid," I glared back. "I'm sure you can at least understand after what I've been through lately."

Threat assessment. Three combat cyborgs: One illusionist, one speed-blitzer, and one demolitions expert. Personal assessment, one talking cat, one demon-god with probability manipulating powers, and me, armed with an energy sword and a shotgun I had yet to reload but was useless against them anyway.

I'm so screwed.

No! Never say die. A cornered animal is always the most dangerous, and they still fear Senbei. Fear is a weapon in itself. Maybe I could make them fear ME.

"I won't let you hurt my sisters," Cinque raised a hand, exploding daggers between each finger. "You can give up now, or we'll have to force you."

How could I make them fear me? I'd have to be pretty damn powerful- Wait a second.

"Yeah," Quattro nodded, obviously enjoying the exchange. "If you give up now and leave the room, we might just forget this ever happened."

"No," I shook my head, glaring back. "I'm through giving up."

I hope this stunt worked; I hope Senbei gets the idea, or I'm in for a world of hurt.

"It's time I stopped goofing off," I continued, switching to a more menacing tone. "And gave you a taste of an S class demon's VENOM."

Upon saying that, I shot a quick glance at Senbei, making eye contact just long enough to understand.

Right on cue, came the burst of wind. Alright punks, it doesn't work so well on a goddess, but let's see how you like my Dark Schnieder impersonation when you can't tell it's fake.

"ZAAAZOOM ZAZAMOOOR! KAL-LUM TALMUT! HORRA!"

"MY GOD!" Quattro's eyes bugged out. Cinque and Tre shared equally shocked looks.

"BURNING IN THE DEPTHS OF THE PITS OF DARKNESS!" I snarled, the voice effect fully enveloping it and making it seem a hundred times more menacing. "LET THE FIRES OF HELL TAKE YOU!"

"It's got to be a trick!" Tre gasped, even though the look on her face disagreed with her words.

"LET THE FIRES BECOME MY SWORD AND STRIKE YOU DOWN!" I snarled, aiming my right hand at Cinque while switching Dido's beam saber to the left. While she was distracted by me 'attacking' her, Senbei would make his move without fear of getting blasted, then we could take Tre and Quattro out in seconds, run for our lives, and hope for the best.

"VENOM!"

 

_**'KABLAM!'** _

 

My ears popped, the room flared white and there was a burst of heat like I'd just opened an oven door. The glass around me shattered, and most importantly, Cinque went flying backwards through a half-molten steel door that failed under the force of her impact.

It was still for many moments while my ears continued to ring.

What... the fuck?

Next to me, all the explosive daggers that had been zeroed on Senbei dropped to the ground. The demon-god turned to me looking shocked.

"Did you?" I began.

Senbei shook his head.

I looked again, next to a shell-shocked Quattro and an aghast Tre, at the two-meter wide hole blown right through the wall, and its glowing orange molten edges. There was a line of scorch marks traveling all the way from where I was standing, right out through the hole, to where Cinque lay against an equally blasted and slightly scorched rock wall.

Bleeding badly.

"FUCK!" I swore, my hearing slowly returning to the sound of alarms as I sprinted forward. I had no intention of killing anyone here except maybe Quattro, and even then that was only if I could catch her being psycho.

I dropped to a knee, planting Dido's saber into the floor and wincing at the feeling of superheated stone as I immediately started checking Cinque's vitals. She was breathing, she had a pulse, but she was out cold.

"Luna," I snapped as I twisted my backpack off and started unzipping it. "Senbei, elevate her feet."

I glanced again, spotting where the blood was coming from. Her arm was partially impaled on what was left of the door. Two wounds, one front, one back, both pretty nasty. I needed gauze wraps. Dammit, I wasn't qualified to play field medic for a combat cyborg. I was barely qualified to play medic period! Still, I did my best by yanking one of my clean brown shirts out of my backpack before pulling the metal fragment out of her arm.

"Feet elevated," Luna advised as she hopped into my lap. "What happened?"

"Don't know," I replied. "Don't care. Can you tie a square knot? I always forget how."

"Cross it over the other way," Luna advised. "No, the OTHER-other way."

I followed the cat's instructions, trying my best to control the bleeding.

"What-" the girl began in front of me. "My barrier didn't even- What was?"

I looked up, noticing she had her eye open again.

"You're okay," I advised. "Just a little unexpected boom from the boom gods."

I placed a finger down and pulled the knot tight. The clawed glove made it easy to slip free of the final loop as I examined her for any other injuries. Despite what the blast had done to the doorframe, she didn't look more than a little banged up. Not even burned. Damn, combat cyborgs were tough.

"Why are you?" she began.

"Don't ask questions," I advised grabbing up and flicking off Dido's blade before stuffing it in my pocket. "I've only got weird answers."

"What happened?" Uno came running around the corner, Sein and Otto in tow.

"Holy shit!" Sein ran up and dropped to a knee. "Yeow! Hot!"

"High power explosion," I explained. "Her arm's pretty fucked up, so you might need to look at that first."

Uno looked at me measuringly for a moment, then at Cinque before continuing.

"Her damage isn't that bad," she appraised then turned to the other two. "Help me get her over to her tank."

Sein and Otto complied immediately, helping Uno carefully lift Cinque from her spot to carry her quickly down the corridor.

"Now can we figure out what happened?" Luna jumped up on my shoulder as I picked up my backpack. "One minute you're bluffing, and the next minute you blow a hole in the wall big enough to drive a car through."

"I'd like to know too," I stared. "Did her exploding daggers backfire?"

I looked around, spotting them all over the ground. No, if they'd gone off, she'd be missing her whole arm.

I turned to look at Tre as she walked out of the remains of the lab and over to me, looking down the hall just as Uno and the other two turned a corner. Then she looked at me, and I saw the tears in her eyes as she reared back with her fist. And...

"OH SHI-"

'CRACK!'

* * *

[CLOSING CREDITS THEME](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7u5SdjDSQQ)

* * *

See you in volume II, Space Cowboy...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: It should go without saying... Do not attempt to follow the First-Aid procedures performed within this chapter. They are modified to fit the imperfect mental conditions of the character conducting them at the time. Serious injury or DEATH may occur if you attempt to remove foreign objects from major wounds without proper medical training. Not to mention anyone following instructions in a STORY has other issues... Seriously. If you get your medical expertise from a piece of fiction written by a non-medical expert, find the nearest friend and have them smack you upside the head.


	22. APPENDIX

**_Appendix A: Google Earth GPS Coordinates_ **

 

**1: Masaki Tenchi's home, estimated real life location candidate.**

GPS Coordinates: 34º 41' 29.53" N 133º 38' 42.75" E

 

Selection Logic: Identifying a possible candidate from the expanse of Okayama Prefecture would have been insanely difficult if it weren't for the cut-out in the in final part of the opening credits of Tenchi OVA 3. The center of the shot seemed to indicate that the house was somewhere in the area west of Okayama city. One of the closer zoom shots indicates that the lake itself is an ovoid running north/south, with the road running along it on the east side before curving away to the north.

 

The presence of Tenchi walking along the road with Ryo-Ohki in OVA 2 indicates that the early fields were within walking distance, but not exactly ON the property itself at the time.

Remoteness of the location was suggested of course, by the liveliness of the location while nobody seems to actually notice. However, as indicated by Seina's bike ride in GXP, it is close enough to civilization that the young man could use it as a short cut.

 

Out of a number of locations selected as candidates for the Masaki Home's location, the lake indicated by the GPS coordinates here stood out for having the layout profile close enough to match, while fitting the other criteria important in the location. While the lake is not exactly ovoid, and while it is not an exact match, it is a very CLOSE match. The road on the east even bends in the same manner. There are mountain hills all around it, and it is secluded quite nicely. Some compromise must be given that the photo's in Google Earth are 2010 images, while Tenchi Muyo occurred in 1994-96 or so. So the excess of small roads are ignored in this instance.

As a bonus, the lake is west of Soja town. Soja, being the name of Kagato's space ship, would fall into the category of a many number of locations Masaki Kajishima would use as names, and would make a logical choice of locations he may have passed through that gave him inspiration for a location. Given the number of fields Seina rides his bike past as he rides through Town in GXP, the Masaki home is close to these fields. There are a large number of fields in this area once you take the road south into town.

 

**2: Hinata Sou, estimated locations. (2 Locations)**

GPS Coordinates 1: 35º 17' 55.18" N 139º 15' 06.73" E

GPS Coordinates 2: 35º 18' 10.28" N 139º 15' 16.02" E

 

Selection Logic:

Hinata exists in the fictional town of Hinata, a hot springs somewhere in Kanagawa. Locating the best position for the building had been a challenge. However, sketch and design notes from Love Hina ended up narrowing the location to Ninomiya town.

 

First, Hinata of course, had to have a GOOD hilltop vantage looking across Sagami Bay, and had to be only a mile or two from the shore at MAX. This narrowed it down to a section of Kanagawa that had hills in proximity to the coastline. Ninomiya, Naka, and Oiso towns ended up being the best candidates.

 

Then there's the onscreen shots from the Love Hina Anime that show the curve of the land around the bay to show Jogashima Lighthouse, slightly left. This reinforced that Hinata Sou is positioned to face more south across the bay. Which helps reinforce the hills in the Ninomiya/Naka/Oiso area.

 

Thirdly, more from the notes, is that the Hinata concept landscape art showed a railway running just to the south with a station practically right there. Since Hinata was an Inn, it would be economic logic to place both it and the teahouse within veritable SPITTING distance of the train station. This would mean that I would have to find a train station along the rail line running near the coast that was close to hills. Only the Ninomiya location has such a station. This pretty much placed Hinata on Mt. Azuma.

 

Fourth, Hinata is within walking distance of a river. The river runs to the east of the inn. The Ninomiya locations have such a river less than one thousand feet from Ninomiya Station. Examination of local panoramo photos found a bridge that matches designs of a bridge that exists in the Manga and the Anime.

 

This all but concludes that Hinata town is really Ninomiya town renamed to protect the innocent. The reason for two locations is that the 'prime' location indicated by the first GPS coordinate is sitting smack dab in Azumayama Park on top of Mt. Azuma. The notes also indicate that the landscape was not final. Thus, it is likely Akamatsu decided to move the Inn slightly. The second coordinate marker is to the northeast, slightly further back, but has a roadway more matching the indication from final Manga and anime layouts that runs to a bridge crossing the river. Of greatest note is that the marker is right on top of a very large building.

 

**3: Those Who Hunt Elves**

TWHE does not take place on Earth.

 

**4: Hikawa Jinja (Hikawa Shrine, Temble Grounds)**

GPS Coordinates: 35º 40' 05.08" N 139º 44' 08.07" E

 

Hikawa IS an actual location in downtown Tokyo. While it took a while to work out the location because of the overall vastness of Tokyo, once I had it narrowed down, panoramo photos pretty much confirmed it. The grounds measure roughly 450 feet front to back, and 200 feet side to side.

 

**5: Nerima Ward**

GPS Coordinates: Hikarigaoka: 35º 45' 30.74" N 139º 37' 44.97" E

GPS Coordinates: Narimasu: 35º 46' 39.95" N 139º 37' 52.68" E

 

I have no idea what Hikarigaoka is, save that it looks like a business park or college campus the way it's laid out. So it makes for a nice point of interest.

 

Now, while it is technically impossible to determine the exact position of any given thing from the evidence presented in Ranma... Certain aspects can be ruled out, and points of interest can be narrowed down. Narimasu is one such point. Narimasu appears to be a shopping district. It is but one of about three major 'shopping' hotspots on the Google Earth maps for the northern Nerima area. Narimasu grabs interest because it has an economic hotspot value. It sits wedged between two rail lines, has narrow streets, and from Google Earth's highest resolution images, has a significant amount of foot traffic. This may well be one of many possible locations of the Nekohanten.

 

Criteria for personal investigation as follows.

 

a Turn on the Shops markers in Google earth. Select only restaurants and grocery stores, and pubs.

b Find concentrations of these, best bet is near train stations.

c The shopping district(s) shown in Ranma are heavy on foot traffic. Focus on concentrations of shops that rely on small streets with pedestrians pretty much owning the entire street. If you don't know what to look for, focus on Narimasu and observe.

 

**6: Nekomi and Surrounding areas**

GPS Coordinates: Tariki Hongon Temple Analogue: 35º 30' 49.59" N 140º 15' 27.52" E

 

Selection Logic:

Nekomi, Tariki Hongon, and the surrounding area, are a fictional town located within Chiba Prefecture at the north-east end of Tokyo Bay. While the town itself technically does not exist, analogues of what it would be like can be found with a little look.

 

The selected GPS coordinates are for a panoramo photo of an otherwise unmarked shrine that happens to have the very kind of steps seen leading up to Tariki Hongon.

 

The selection required fitting some criteria. First of all, the actual canon information on the location. It was up in some hills, and more or less peaceful. This precluded it from being down IN town. However it's close enough that one can WALK to Nekomi Tech. Keiichi obviously didn't walk, he rode his bike.

 

Another important criterion was its proximity to Tokyo proper. The location would have to be convenient enough that Keiichi would find driving down into the Tokyo metro areas to be more convenient. This precludes the southern areas of Chiba, as driving all the way around Tokyo bay would prove to be too much of a hassle for short trips. (The Tokyo Bay Aqualine which effectively shortcuts over, then under Tokyo Bay, was not completed until 1997. The Manga timeline, which I'm using as the base for the story, combined with technical details, from the TV series, started around 1989... The travel time on the Aqualine is about 15 minutes vs the roundabout 90 minutes around the bay.)

 

In order to fulfill location requirements, the town of Nekomi would have to be near hills, somewhere in the more northern section of Chiba, a short trip from 'down town'. As the very northern parts of Chiba are more flat land than hills, that was ruled out, leaving a strip of land from Chiba city itself along a rail line through Midori as the prime real-estate.

 

Toke makes for a good compromise of these criteria. And as would be neat to point out, a few miles due south is the Minami Chiba racing circuit. From the two Panoramo photos found there, it appears to be a dirt-bike course.

 

**7: Jail's Base**

This does not exist on Earth, but on the fictional planet of Mid-Childa.

 

**_Appendix B: Equipment Notes_ **

 

\- Firearms in Ritsuko's possession (Those Who Hunt Elves)

USP-90, G-36C, M-16A1, PSG-1, M-67 Fragmentation Grenade, M-18A1 Claymore Mine

 

\- Most likely 'shotgun' to be in Ritsuko's Arsenal based on information on what the JGSDF and Japanese Police Forces have available.

Mossberg Series 500. Common Ammo, 00 Buck

 

\- Mossberg 500 Series Tactical

5 round tube, one chamber. 12 Gauge.

Safety switch on top of weapon behind trigger. Made for regular stock, not Tactical. Requires two-step motion. Weapon can be loaded via the tube, or directly into the chamber with the action open. Weapon equipped with Bead Sights, and screw on mountings for a sling.

 

\- Shampoo's ancient Chinese weapons: Called "Chui"

Round weighted ball with handle sticking out of one side. Used for smashing attacks by strong fighters.

 

**_Appendix C: Spacebattles Virtual Discussion_ **

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

(WARNING: This is the 'Sleeping with the Girls' 'Virutal discussion'... Those who participate in this thread may or may not end up having their posts directly transposed into the story itself. Your real screen names here will be used. If you do not wish to end up in the story, do not post. By posting YOU AGREE TO ALLOW YOUR SCREEN NAME AND COMMENTARY TO GO INTO THE STORY! )

I've got a thought for you guys. What are your opinions on alternate realities? For example, let's say there are alternate realities across the multiverse that contain every form of fiction you've ever seen.

Do you think it would be possible to tie those realities together?

 

**Terrace**

I'm not sure. I suppose that it would depend on how you could go from one reality to another. As for 'every form of fiction you've ever seen', perhaps the respective creators got 'psychic flashes' from these other worlds. I use the term 'psychic flashes' because I honestly can't come up with a better term.

 

**Panaka**

Do they exist? Don't know. Then again I'm not a scientist with the appropriate degree. I'd like to think they do, however.

If they exist, can they be linked? Again, Don't know. The notion isn't unknown in fiction, though. Startrek having the every possible outcome actually happening and the universe/dimension splitting off at that moment. Travel between being possible by special transporter. I Also heard about a novell where baseline humans 'muses' and inspiration for writing and cinema are writers getting glimpses from other universes. This being almost exactly what you described.

Edit: Thinking about it, if one universe has dimentional travel (StarTrek, Stargate, ect) wouldn't that count as proof that they are all tied together in some way?

 

**Vlad III**

There are many fictions that have a multiverse in them. The One for example or The Manifold series where from one universe where the Downstreamers destroyed their universe and created multiple ones and there is the every action creates a separate and distinct universe of its own setings like Stargate for example.

If there were different universes for every fiction created there would need to be some stratification or layering so that the ones with a single universe or with a limited number of ones to be able to exist.

 

**Jim Starluck**

I like to call it the "Inevitable Fiction" Hypothesis (conveniently, "IF" for short). The more parallel universes you have, the closer the probability that any given Universe A will be described by a work of fiction in Universe B with 100% accuracy approaches 1:1.

The scary part is when you realize this doesn't just apply to, say, well-known published fiction. It applies equally well to every single possible work of fiction, including the worst of it. If it has been thought up or can be thought up, and there really is an infinite number of parallel universes, then it's out there somewhere.

As to tying them together, yeah, I agree with Terrace. It depends significantly on the method you use to move between them.

Edit: Vlad, I like think that the "distance" between universes is variable, and any method for moving between them is inherently imprecise. For example, two universes that are very, very similar may be only a few nanometers apart, but universes which differ significantly may be several meters away. If your method of transit can only resolve inter-universal "distances" of a meter or more, you'll never be able to visit the universes that are "closest" to you and thus most like your own. Conversely, if your method of transit has a low maximum "range", you'll never be able to stray too far from home, and thus any parallel universes you visit will still be recognizable analogs of your native universe.

 

**X on**

Well if they're all real then its easy to assume they can be connected. How it could happen is anyone's guess other then things that can do it.

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here...

What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

 

**X on**

Shrug and continue on my way. Its not my reality so why would i care?

 

**Vlad III**

Girls in sailor outfits?

Nice.

 

**Jonen C**

I've thought something like this might be possible (and given an infinite universe/multiverse/WSoGMM, it must be possible). I've even been toying around with a few self-insert ideas/megacrossover ideas toying with the idea. The thing is - since it's interesting to philosophize on morality, I've thought about this quite a bit - one can't EVER make assumptions (you know what they say about when you assume...), and really, should try to disregard what one knows - or rather, THINKS one know - of a universe from fiction if one should find oneself interacting with it (or what appears to be a fictional universe one is familiar with).

Simply - what are the sources. And are they accurate. Before the universe becomes fiction, it has got to have gone through an Author. The author has probably made several revisions in his or her creative process. Depending on the medium, we then add editors, producers, directors, actors and other creative staff. And then we have fan interpretation and analysis. What do we really know, and what actually matches the fictional universe.

Take Sailor Moon as an example. If there really is a SM verse out there, is it based on the Manga (and which manga), the Anime, the Live Action show, the Musicals, what? Or is it merely that the "real" SM universe is something that the creator (can't recall how to spell her last name and ain't gonna try) caught a glimpse of inspiration from when creating Sailor V, and everything we know as SM! is just extrapolation from that first glimpse?

Given an infinite universe, of course, there must be an infinite number of universes that are completely accurate to the fiction we've seen in our home universe. There's also an infinite number of universes that, while appearing similar to what we know, really aren't. Universes that match up to fanfiction. Universes that match up to alt-verses (Star Trek style mirrorverses... Star Gate style alternate universes). Crossovers, fusions etc etc. A splay for every possibility and variations of every splay.

And an even larger infinite number of universes that aren't represented in fiction at all. Nonhuman universes. Alien universes. Completely incompatible universes... As an aside, I like both Unicorn Jelly (and assorted side stories/sequels) and the Hitchhikers Guide...

And of course, there would be universes in which our lives are represented as fiction in one form or another (fun thought - jump into your favorite fictional universe and find out the main characters enjoy reading about the fictional exploits of the various members of the Spacebattles forum - worthy of a plot tribble?).

Anyway, my point on morality was this (before I got sidetracked): If you end up entering a fictional universe, you can't act on the foreknowledge you have - not just for risk of changing something and rendering it invalid - but more importantly because you probably don't know exactly what goes, what information is accurate and what is not. Ethically, you should disregard everything you think you know, in such a situation. Practically - if you are going to act on the knowledge, VERIFY what you know before you act.

Of course, my main gripe is against people who seem to insist that people who in fiction who commit crimes at some point are to be punished by time travelers going back to before the crime was done, or dimensional travelers who know they might commit the crime, even though the actions of the time/dimensional traveler are probably going to render the situation moot. Minority Report and all that - you can't punish someone for a crime that has not yet been committed, especially if/while the crime can be prevented.

EDIT: Forgot to mention: There is also never any guarantee that a work of fiction will have a universe in which it is real, at least not one that can be reached. Given infinity to work with, the probability approaches 1, but... Infinity is pretty big.

Also, seems a lot of people are faster than my rant... I think I've overthunk on the subject...

 

**Denoel Muerta**

Do you mean real with us living in this reality, or just that there is such a reality

 

**X on**

Oh come on Vlad aren't you like 300 hundred or something? I think there a little young for you.

 

**Panaka**

Don't know Sailor Moon that well, but I'm glad I don't live in a verse where my continued existance depends on a couple of high school girls in silly uniforms sprouting silly speeches when they start fighting. On the other hand my counterpart in that world wouldn't know anything about those girls. Ignorance is bliss.

 

**Vlad III**

Originally Posted by X on View Post Oh come on Vlad aren't you like 300 hundred or something? I think there a little young for you.

578 actually. But who's counting?

EDIT: Admiral are you asking what I would do in a setting such as Sailor moon if I existed there or what?

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

 

**X on**

Originally Posted by Vlad III View Post 578 actually. But who's counting?

You it seems.

nick012000

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here... What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

Age of consent is 14 in Japan, isn't it?

 

**X on**

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

Sure but of course i'm the best of the lot.

And if another me wants to tango ill be waiting!

 

**Jonen C**

As for living in the Sailor Moon verse...

Usagi Tsukino has the power to rewrite reality.

Need I say more?

EDIT: As for an alternate me... Well, I hope so. I hope I never meet him/her/it/them/us [pronoun confusion!].

I have, after all, long since decided on my standard operation procedure should I run into myself.

 

**Denoel Muerta**

Even if there was a counterpart in the SM Verse, he would still be some where in germany, if it was my counterpart. so it would be a moot point

 

**X on**

Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post I have, after all, long since decided on my standard operation procedure should I run into myself.

There can only be one right C?

 

**Jonen C**

Originally Posted by Denoel Muerta View Post Even if there was a counterpart in the SM Verse, he would still be some where in germany, if it was my counterpart. so it would be a moot point

Given that it's implied that the big freeze or whatever is supposed to happen twenty or so minutes in the future from when the story is set, our counterparts may even already be dead. Depending on how that worked out.

One can always hope that the interpretation that time travel has caused the future of the SM verse to be set in stone is false, and that Tsukino et al will find a way to prevent a human die off... Or that the reason there's not so many people on Earth is simply because mankind has mostly moved on into space, and Earth is a protected garden world or some such...

Also - before someone asks.

[Jonen sees a dimensional copy of himself] [Jonens dimensional copy sees Jonen] [Both charge at each other screaming "There can be ONLY ONE"]

EDIT: X on Got it in one.

Also, speaking of the subject, anyone remember that Jackie Chan movie "One"? EDIT2. memory flaw - Jet Li, The One. You may bonk me over the head now.

 

**Panaka**

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

Depends on the splitting point if you take the "sum of al choices" theory from Star Trek and what has happened in the "show/comic" before you get inserted. There may be a "you" that is identical in all aspects, or somebody who looks like you but has had a minor thing changed due to butterfly effect from the history of that verse. Or a major event that completly chaned the personality. Or a peron with your name, but who looks different or he became a she. the possibilities are endless.

Eva would not have a "Panaka". "I" live in Holland and probably would have drowned in second impact. Sailor Moon I don't know enough to make that judgement.

Edit: There's also the time travel bit. Some shows are set in the past or future from our perspective. Our alternate may be younger, older or dead if he existed.

 

**Wakka**

Multiverse theory is fairly common in fanfiction. Whether or not it exists is something best left to the physicists. In terms of linking universes it depends on what kind of link is meant. A bridge like a wormhole or portal is fairly common. Weber's Hell's Gate series comes to mind, as well as Chalker's Dancing Gods series. Trying to actually fuse different series's together is always a chimera though.

Tying the universes together is pretty easy (regardless of how transportation works), as long as you allow the physics of one universe to function in another, again common.

Trying to reconcile why one reality has fiction of another is pretty much up to handwavium. I suppose in a universe as described sooner or later one reality will have accurate fiction of everything else out there, if only due to chance. Of course, another reality will have just as accurate fiction about them too.

Semi edit: Yikes. The thread has moved. Let's take this in order...

Quote: So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here... What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

Depends on what the endgame becomes. Assuming Crystal Tokyo isn't a horrible dystopia then no problem. Good guys win, bad guys lose, people who die are brought back to life. Apparently without the myriad legal clusterfucks, but that's another thing.

Quote: Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

If there was, and we met, I'd have a perfectly good friend who shares my taste in games. Not a bad thing. Then again, I'm fairly easygoing.

 

**Rieverre**

I'd say there'd pretty much have to be more going on offscreen than we're ever explicitly shown. And I don't only mean the whole girls in short skirts fighting for love and justice angle - it's pretty ridiculous at first glance, subjectively speaking. Plenty of untapped potential in the background waiting to be explored, though, and maybe some of that will make the whole shebang make sense.

Hell, the whole 'having real and provable powers beyond mortal ken' issue alone would be food for more consideration than my brain can wrap itself around. I'd definitely hope Metallia wasn't a Yozi, anyway.

But I'm going off on a tangent again.

Alternate universes ... personally, I'm of the opinion that existence would be boring without infinite possibility, and following from that, everything is. Everything is, everything was, and everything will be. World as Myth is perfectly plausible from where I'm standing, if only because nobody's managed to prove the contrary yet.

Tying transfictionality together into one coherent whole ... just the idea gives me headaches. Tie together by what means? How would that even work with, say, a universe that has the vaguely described factor called 'magic' which folds, spindles and mutilates the laws of physics and one that doesn't? I could imagine it being tied together by concepts. Archetypes. Patterns of storytelling? That sort of thing. But that may be going too far into metaphysical hogwash.

Wait, what exactly do _you_ mean by 'tie together'? Some grand cosmic-scale fusion?

 

**DarthGamer**

If I ever find out that I have alternate versions of me, I will endeavour to contact them and together, conquer the universe(s).

I will of course give all members of SB the option of living and serving as my eternal lackeys. Except Damar, that filthy NaruHina shipper

 

**nick012000**

Originally Posted by Wakka View Post Depends on what the endgame becomes. Assuming Crystal Tokyo isn't a horrible dystopia then no problem. Good guys win, bad guys lose, people who die are brought back to life. Apparently without the myriad legal clusterfucks, but that's another thing.

It's a society based on magical mind control to keep everyone happy. Of course it's a dystopia, and the people with the ability to do anything about it are the ones who are ruling the entire shebang, so it's not like they're going to do anything. Handing the car keys of reality to an idiot teenager was not the most brilliant move that talking cat made.

 

**X on**

Originally Posted by DarthGamer View Post If I ever find out that I have alternate versions of me, I will endeavour to contact them and together, conquer the universe(s).

Don't kid your self you'll be bowing under my awesomeness.

 

**Tabi**

Its pretty simple: If reality exists, then reality exists. If there are such a thing as multiple realities, this brings up the case of alternate realities, which then brings up the case of alternate realities being so bizarre to the point they would become so alternate that they would eventually become infinitesimally random and progressively infinite until there are several copies of the any fictional reality with minute or second differences.

With all that, it isn't out of the realm of possibilities for them to be interconnected with each other. I mean, if alternate realities and thus multi-realities and multi-universes are generated from each other's influences, it comes from the idea that there are multiple 'threads' of multiple 'webs' bridging each other universe together. Imagination is such a chaotic thing isn't it? The universe and the very fabric of reality and matter must have some form of it to be such a orderly chaos.

Now if one were to be jumped from one end to another, with each 'reality/universe' it'd depend on your 'quantum signature' being attracted to a specific corresponding signature in any of those random copies of any fictional or non fictional universes. Since they're all infinite, theres bound to be one just for you.

 

**Brellin**

An Alternate me? I would depend largely on the time-frame I suppose. A lot of the older anime and other fictional works either take place in times long before/after the period in which I was born or "just before" or "just after". Take into account also that interpretations of what 2010 might be like in SM (a show that I believe takes place in the 80's) could be vastly different from what 2010 is like in "RL".

An alternate version of myself really only makes sense if the setting itself is similar to what "real-life" is like, in a setting where there is easily accessible (or at least observable) super-science or magic an "alternate me" would really only be me in the sense that that person has my name and looks like me, because chances are their life experiances would be entirely different due to the different nature of their setting. At that point, its not so much alternate-me as it is a person that looks/sounds like me but isn't.

As for the original question regarding alternate realitites, it depends on what interpretation you use. The Omega Point for instance could simulate an infinite number of realities due to its infinite processing power due to the nature of the device, but it itself is in a very finite and very single universe. Then there are intrepretations like from Trek and Stargate, where every action taken *has* been taken in an alternate universe. Going by fiction there are plenty of beings, technologies, and organizations that can breach dimensional boundries, and assuming infinite realities/infinite variation it stands to reason suchs things/beings do in fact exist, at least somwhere.

The problem with this of course is that most speculative fiction that has beings or technologies capable of such things are horrible gribbly monsters that would like nothing better than to snack on your soul, which stands counterpart to the ability to bridge realities since afterall if there are an infinite number of reality-hopping monsters in theory we ourselves should have already encountered one.

 

**Rieverre**

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

Like I said, everything.

Then again, you'd have to consider - what makes me, me? Sum of all parts, right? Experience, memory, attitude. And you're not even sure how much of an impact one simple change may have. One moment of things going differently spirals out of control and you get someone who wears your face but whom you possibly wouldn't acknowledge as being 'you' anymore.

EDIT: If I ever run into him, I have a single-word offbeat reply that will tell me whether it's still me or not. Be prepared for the weird!

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this.

Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe.

However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack.

How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

 

**Wakka**

Originally Posted by nick012000 It's a society based on magical mind control to keep everyone happy.

First off, you're making me defend Sailor Moon. Fuck.

Could you name the anime episode or manga book that that's in? Or even implied? Frankly, everything I've seen says that that's fanon. And frankly the entire setup is not a little outside Usagi's characterization and the overarching theme of good guys winning.

EDIT: Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess?

If I'm not getting out of the universe, then I'm fucked. I don't speak Japanese or carry heavy weapons around. I'd run like hell and hope that ROB will whisk me away. Then I'll head to the nearest embassy. If the monster follows it'll get a face full of M-16 fire courtesy of the marines.

 

**nick012000**

Originally Posted by Tabi View Post Now if one were to be jumped from one end to another, with each 'reality/universe' it'd depend on your 'quantum signature' being attracted to a specific corresponding signature in any of those random copies of any fictional or non fictional universes. Since they're all infinite, theres bound to be one just for you.

I don't think physics work that way, dude, and you're talking to someone who believes that God created the Many Worlds Interpretation so that we would have free will because time wouldn't be linear, it'd branch. - DarthGamer

Originally Posted by X on View Post Don't kid your self you'll be bowing under my awesomeness.

Silence noob! *sacrifices X on to the MOOSE*

 

**Valiant**

We also don't know that things would be exactly the same as they are 1:1 supposed other dimension to Anime. Theoretically at least, a few studios that made an anime might have tweaked things a little bit to be more appealing to the target audience.

EDIT: Ok I got over taken writing my post...

How to handle things... Well it would depend on a few things, what time is it, the monster in question. And being unarmed... I'd have to say stay out of the way

 

**Panaka**

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Run like hell. I don't have super powers and would only slow the ones with them down.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by Rieverre View Post Wait, what exactly do _you_ mean by 'tie together'? Some grand cosmic-scale fusion?

My interpretation is more of the Guide's suggestion of a Whole Sort of General Mishmash... Or really, no. More like a collection of different multiverses, each of which contains a set of universes. The universes in a set are similar, the multiverses in the WSoGMM need not be.

Infinite is funky, and besides, physical laws tend to be universal constants. Multiversal constants... Well, that'd be something else entirely.

Navigation would be interesting as well, and not necessarily restrained by merely three dimensions, plus time.

"So you want to go from universe A to universe B? Well, first you need to find out where they are relative to each other. They both have humans living on the planet Earth? Well that means they're on the same plane on that particular set of coordinates. They're both roughly in the same cosmic era? The universes follow roughly the same rules..."

And don't even get started on the Timey wimey ball.

Quote: Originally Posted by nick012000 View Post It's a society based on magical mind control to keep everyone happy. Of course it's a dystopia, and the people with the ability to do anything about it are the ones who are ruling the entire shebang, so it's not like they're going to do anything. Handing the car keys of reality to an idiot teenager was not the most brilliant move that talking cat made.

Alternate interpretations dude. I like the dystopian interpretation, and even I'll agree that Usagi is too kind to do that intentionally (as she is).

But, of course. Infinite WSoGMM.

Does mean there'd be a verse where Sailor Moon CS is real, and another where ShadowJacks interpretation is completely accurate... (Go Go Kamen Scooter!)

 

**X on**

Originally Posted by DarthGamer View Post Silence noob! *sacrifices X on to the MOOSE*

Ha the "Moose" you speak of is powerless and tasty.

*hands Darth a Moose leg*

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Well, assuming one should receive fore-warning, then well yeah...Unfortunately I'm not much of a Sailor Moon fan. Maybe when I was around 12 years old, but the events during that sequence of events is something I'm not aware of.

In any case, I'd be very very confused. Throw in a monster attack, I'll do whatever any normally confused and utterly frightened human being does: Either piss in my jeans, run away, hide, find out what the hell is going on, or hide. Combine or in any order as you'd wish. Assuming one was a total otaku and knew exactly what would happen, your very being there may or may not change things depending on the situation.

Quote: Originally Posted by nick012000 View Post I don't think physics work that way, dude, and you're talking to someone who believes that God created the Many Worlds Interpretation so that we would have free will because time wouldn't be linear, it'd branch.

With alternate realities and the multiverse and adding in a Random Omnipotent Being/Entity dropkicking one into a fictional universe, I don't think physics working the way we think it should be is the biggest of our problems.

 

**Warringer**

I want to know if there are alternate versions of SpaceBattles in the other universes...

As long as there is, I'd be content with living there and trying not to get involved in shit...

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Don't die. Until you're reasonably sure that you're not going to die, don't even bother thinking about ramifications and implications of 'fiction' actually being real and just a step to the left of Reality As We Know It.

For the sake of the argument, I'm in ... what '92-'96 or something to that effect? In my body now, or in my body then? With or without 'vaild' ID and actual documented existence? Because that could get dicey.

I guess, above and beyond anything else, I'd make it a point to seek power. This ties into the whole 'don't die' issue. Before, I only suspected there are Big Bad Nasty Things out there waiting to crunch down on my soul. Now I KNOW. So yeah. Status quo was just upset and social norms may as well have been thrown out the window, and as much as I'd be potentially delighted at something like that happening, I'd also be scared as fuck of ending up, as I am, somewhere where Things That Should Not Be roam.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Duck and cover, run for the hills, and hope to hell the Silver Crystal Dragon Jesus Ex Machina can send you back home?

As for the implication to fiction: What of it? As stated - infinity is a big place. Even the universe is going to run out of ideas eventually.

Given sufficiently large infinities, the improbable becomes common.

 

**Panaka**

Here's a scary thought:

You get dropped in Nobody Dies Eva verse. The first thing you hear: Heeeee~eeeey

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump?

You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

 

**DarthGamer**

Quote: Originally Posted by X on View Post Ha the "Moose" you speak of is powerless and tasty. *hands Darth a Moose leg*

That moose also probably has 5 different forms of rabies after chewing on so many noobs.

And can probably maul you in 5 seconds.

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by Rieverre View Post Don't die. Until you're reasonably sure that you're not going to die, don't even bother thinking about ramifications and implications of 'fiction' actually being real and just a step to the left of Reality As We Know It. For the sake of the argument, I'm in ... what '92-'96 or something to that effect? In my body now, or in my body then? With or without 'vaild' ID and actual documented existence? Because that could get dicey. I guess, above and beyond anything else, I'd make it a point to seek power. This ties into the whole 'don't die' issue. Before, I only suspected there are Big Bad Nasty Things out there waiting to crunch down on my soul. Now I KNOW. So yeah. Status quo was just upset and social norms may as well have been thrown out the window, and as much as I'd be potentially delighted at something like that happening, I'd also be scared as fuck of ending up, as I am, somewhere where Things That Should Not Be roam.

And thus the main reactions: Either piss in my jeans, run away, hide, find out what the hell is going on, or hide. Combine or in any order as you'd wish.

 

**Warringer**

Quote: Originally Posted by Panaka View Post Here's a scary thought: You get dropped in Nobody Dies Eva verse. The first thing you hear: Heeeee~eeeey

Could be worse and at the same time more awesome...

It could be Shinji and Warhammer 40k...

 

**nick012000**

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post Alternate interpretations dude. I like the dystopian interpretation, and even I'll agree that Usagi is too kind to do that intentionally (as she is).

Well, yeah, she's kind, but if she thinks what she's doing is a Good Thing, do you really think she'd think it far enough through to realise that she's creating a dystopia in the process? She's all Love and Justice, and not the brightest bulb around. –

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

Assuming one has all that knowledge, assuming you are indeed within a fictional reality (a misnomer if there was one), then your literally being there changes the dynamics of everything, especially should you take part in minor or, heaven forbid, major events in some shape or form. If you have indeed 'jumped' to such a universe, then it seems obvious that other fictional realities are also possible.

 

**spooky316**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Pray to whatever deity you believe in? Realistically, a normal person punted in front of a youma attack doesn't stand much of a chance. Sure, if said ROB provided demon-killing weapons it would be a different story (maybe) but I'm thinking the best idea would be to try to either hide or get away without being seen by the youma. Having my energy sucked doesn't sound fun.

Ninja Edit: Quote: So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

If by "dumped into the middle" you mean actually becoming involved with the story, well that probably wouldn't be a good thing. Once I make a change the butterfly effect comes into play. Just by becoming involved in the main story I could conceivably have changed things. It may not become apparent right away, but as time goes on it would be increasingly foolish to keep trusting my memories of the original timeline. As for other fictional universes, if I find myself dropped into one I have no reason to doubt I couldn't be dropped into another.

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Infinite is funky, and besides, physical laws tend to be universal constants. Multiversal constants... Well, that'd be something else entirely. Navigation would be interesting as well, and not necessarily restrained by merely three dimensions, plus time.

I wouldn't assume anything quite that neat. Worst case scenario, physical laws are only local constants, but multiverse clusters as wholes are ... huh ... tied together by the fact that the physical laws within them are within a certain set of tolerances.

That _could_ work.

And if magic exists somewhere, you could maybe traverse from one universe to another via paths of sympathy - say, between universes where the 'fiction' they relate to is based on specific plot structures. Or, hell, point-to-point inter-universal transit _to_ one specifically defined item. Sympathy and contagion seem well enough established to facilitate that to some extent.

 

**Wakka**

Quote: Originally Posted by Adm So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

After the initial reaction of running? After I get back home...well, regular humans can't really do much in that setting. I'd settle for keeping my head down, and well away from major fault lines/volcanos/coasts. Hopefully I'll survive the various gods-just-not-in-name clashing. The implications of other universes existing won't really matter.

Quote: Originally Posted by Panaka Here's a scary thought: You get dropped in Nobody Dies Eva verse. The first thing you hear: Heeeee~eeeey

I cry. Just...I cry. If I'm hearing that, not only am I in the middle of Tokyo goddamn 3, but I'm also probably somewhere I shouldn't be. After Rei finishes with me, Gendo and Yui will go to town.

 

**Panaka**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

scientificly you'd have to jump to more then one. Once you've been to a couple you could start stating that all "fictional" verses of that type are real. Sailor Moon being Anime and after jumping to say Macross, Gundam Seed and Patlabor you could state all anime is probably real. Gut feeling after first jump: infinity is a big place. if one is real, good chance they all are.

To Warringer: Could be worse. You could get dropped in 2 minutes before third impact.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

Again - you THINK you know about the characters and the setting. Confirm and verify that this is accurate before trying something. If it is accurate... Well, that's a valuable tool. Probably the biggest asset you're ever going to have - EVER. At least if you use it right. So how will you use that? Depends on what kind of person you are. "Don't be evil" is a good start.

In the SM setting... Well, a lot of the time the Girls could probably do with some tips and advise from genre savvy people who actually think about strategies to take down evil overlords and the like as a fricken *HOBBY*... And if that didn't set off your sarcasm detector, you can actually ignore the sarcasm if you have some actual foreknowledge that might be useful - assuming you're able to verify it and shepherd it so that butterflies won't make it inaccurate.

As for other fictional universes... That would depend on your ability to reach them, wouldn't it? If you can't reach them, it doesn't matter. If you can... Well, the world just got a little bit bigger (and a lot more confusing).

 

**Vlad III**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Hide.

If its exactly how its in the show the thing will resolve itself. I don't want to be randomly killed bystandard. Even if its not exactly the same these universes are going to be run the 'plot' and in the plot the hero usually wins.

 

**Brellin**

If I were dropped into that particular shrine during a monster attack? It would depend on several things really. For one, I don't speak japanese, at all, so the language barrier is going to be nigh-insurmountable if speaking to someone actually becomes an issue. Second, how obvious is the monster? How deadly looking is it? What are its abilities that I have observed/can infer? I might be willing to assist if the thing is at least reasonably human shaped and doesn't appear to be superhuman physically, doubly so if I have an actual weapon at hand (which I likely wouldn't, this being japan and all).

Perhaps more importantly though, do I even know where I am? I am used to SM looking like an anime, an old one at that. Seeing characters from an extremely old cartoon as represented in real-life I probably wouldn't be able to make the conection unless I was given some other hint or clue to go by. Chances are i'd be wondering how the hell I got dumped where-ever I was and would be busy gawking at the obvious monster that appears to be the area.

Without the knowledge that I have been "inserted" into an anime i'd likely not take any action that could endanger or reflect poorly on myself, whereas if I *did* know I was "inserted" i'd be far more prone to take unessisarly risky actions. The reason being of course that being a member of SB i'm used to the whole "ROB fucks with you" style of dickery, and would (perhaps illogically) assume that I have either been sufficently "uprated" or that I am not in any "real" danger since ROB will just kick me back to real-life if I "die". Naturally, the wouldn't be very conductive to good health if it turned out that that wasn't the case.

 

**Panaka**

Quote: Originally Posted by Wakka View Post I cry. Just...I cry. If I'm hearing that, not only am I in the middle of Tokyo goddamn 3, but I'm also probably somewhere I shouldn't be. After Rei finishes with me, Gendo and Yui will go to town.

Hey, at least you'll lose your ocular virginity.

 

**Wakka**

Quote: Hey, at least you'll lose your ocular virginity.

That is not a good thing. I need my eyes.

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

Assume they're all real. And now you're stuck in one. Astronomically small chance. PRACTICALLY, that really wouldn't mean much, though, if you just wanted to live out your life. Flipside, transit is possible. Transit is therefore possible for Bad Things as well as Good Things. Chances are I just made a ripple and got noticed by something.

 

**nick012000**

Quote: Originally Posted by Wakka View Post After the initial reaction of running? After I get back home...well, regular humans can't really do much in that setting.

Tuxedo Mask was a regular human. Well, until he gained psychic superpowers later on, anyway.

 

**Vlad III**

Oh! damn! not even a hour and were on the 3rd page

EDIT: And 3 simultaneous posts what is going on here?

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by nick012000 View Post Well, yeah, she's kind, but if she thinks what she's doing is a Good Thing, do you really think she'd think it far enough through to realise that she's creating a dystopia in the process? She's all Love and Justice, and not the brightest bulb around.

Infinite WSoGMM. YMMV.

All in all, I'm thinking adopting a very Arthur Dent attitude is probably the best coping mechanism. Sure he's a whiny panicky git at first (and throughout most of the series, wouldn't you be?) but by the end there's not really much that will phase him (probably, in part, because he thinks he knows he won't die until some specific point in the future he thinks he can avoid).

Do you have your towel?

 

**Terrace**

If you wake up in that shrine (is that where Sailor Mars lives? I forget) during a monster attack, your FIRST priority, IMO, is to keep your head down. Search around for SOMETHING you could use against the monster. If it doesn't notice you, stab it in the back (thereby distracting it), and RUN! Unless you have a shotgun with infinite ammo with you, you would NOT survive a fight with one of those uglies.

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

So, let's up the stakes a little.

Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion...

What would do in the short term?

Long term?

Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know.

What would you do with your information?

 

**Wakka**

Quote: Tuxedo Mask was a regular human. Well, until he gained psychic superpowers later on, anyway.

A regular human capable of jumping across rooftops and throwing roses like bullets. Also, he wasn't nearly so useless in the manga. Frankly, he only looked regular compared to the rest of the cast. Considering they could fit in with the Exalted universe fairly well, that doesn't say much.

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Originally Posted by nick012000 View Post Tuxedo Mask was a regular human. Well, until he gained psychic superpowers later on, anyway.

Who could roofhop, throw armor piercing roses, and got psychic flashes and who knows what else there was. From the start. And let's not even start on being able to conjure equipment from thin air depending on mental state - see Moonlight Knight or

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

Well, assuming you've made a few friends, you've learned lots about your situation.

Level up.

Get items that would benefit you. Learn certain skills that can benefit you. The multi-verse isn't all sunshine and flowers, you'll need the skills to survive every hop and hope you'll get out with as little injury as possible.

 

**X on**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

I'd Kick its ass and add its name! because if you mess with the best, you die like the rest!

Really depends on whats happening, what i know, how i'm feeling, Etc. I mean i could ether run away or try and distract the monster to give the good guys a better chances to win(Even if i could die).

 

**Warringer**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post What would you do with your information?

Try to keep myself out of the story...

On the other hand...

Didn't Carroglace write an SI where he tried that and failed? Only to dissolve into some sort of Marvel/Sailor Moon sort of thing?

 

**Wakka**

Quote: So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

Short term I try to stay alive.

Long term I try to acquire weapons/enhancements. Weapons that preferably won't run out of ammo. Assuming I survive and can do the former, I help out the good guys as I can with what I have.

Hopping realities, especially fiction like Sailor Moon, as a regular human is pretty much suicide absent plot armor. It's only a matter of time before a painful death. Hence the "acquire weapons/enhancements".

EDIT: Quote: Originally Posted by Warringer Didn't Carroglace write an SI where he tried that and failed? Only to dissolve into some sort of Marvel/Sailor Moon sort of thing?

Yeah, it's Gaijin. It derailed like the rest of his stuff, but I just can't get into it like his others.

 

**X on**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

I'd take them over one at a time! Nothing can stop me!

...

Short term survive.

Long term depends on what has happened.

 

**Valiant**

Well that actually might be something of a personal choice too, knowing that you can make a difference, can you stand by?

 

**Panaka**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

Make the best use of the information that you have to stay alive and try to find out how I just ended up in a different verse. Find the trigger. If nothing turns up you have little more choice then to go slider and keep trying until you get back home. Remember infinity being a large place? Yhea...

Personally: If I have any choice at all in where I go, I'd go Startrek TNG or DS9. After 45 minutes Geordi or O'Brien will say something in techno babble and send me home.

Edit: If you happen to be a japanse teenager, find a mecha and get in. You'll be invincible.

 

**Jonen C**

I cite Arthur Dent again.

Try to just get on by. The universe will either ignore you (in which case you should get on fine) or it won't (in which case all bets are off and you should try to grab the initiative and take control of the situation).

 

**Vlad III**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

What every self respecting SB would do of course.

Take over the multiverse.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by Vlad III View Post What every self respecting SB would do of course. Take over the multiverse.

Running the whole thing would be kind of a bother. Personally, I'd settle for setting myself up for the good life.

 

**Brellin**

The practical applications? That depends, my knowledge of SM is pretty fragmentary at best, and my most recent knowledge of the setting (and most of its follow-ons) have been through fan-fiction, not the best source for cannon material as one might guess. Still, I represent an extreme imbalance in the setting because of my "real-life" nature. I bring with me not only potential knowledge of future events but more importantly an incredible (if not fatal) amount of genre-savyness, ruthlessness, and insight. Most fictional settings (indeed all but the hardest of sci-fi usually) have their characters/nations/etcetc act pants-on-head-retarded in one fashion or another. Perhaps there is some sort of logical disconnect for them that prevents them from puzzling something out, or maybe there is some other reason. Regardless however, it doesn't apply to me.

As an outside "looking in" so to speak I can formulate plans and such that the good guys would have to try to fail, indeed I could upset the balance so much that the setting as I know it would quickly cease being even remotely similar (in terms of timeline of events) to what I would recognize. Naturally it would be important to limit my interference only to specific times where it is crucial for "the big win" or to prevent certain tragides, but thats only common sense.

Thats assuming I remain as a bog-standard human at that, if for some reason I too were to gain "magical" powers of some sort in accordance with the setting the changes only spiral out from there.

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

So, the general idea in such a situation is either

A: Duck and Cover

B: Exploit EVERYTHING.

That sound about right?

 

**Warringer**

Quote: Originally Posted by Vlad III View Post What every self respecting SB would do of course. Take over the multiverse.

True enough, Vlad.

On the other hand considering what might be out there, I'd want to have some serious backup in the firepower department.

Oh well, off to bed I go, been a long day.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

C: DO NOT BE EVIL.

Seriously - there's like a universal constant in the SM verse that says Evil doesn't pay and Love conquers all. Plus, you know, you should be a moral, ethical person and stuff.

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

Short term? I'd really want some kind of powerup. Force multiplier. Immortalent. Either. All. I am normal and squishy and ROBs tend to have a nasty sense of humor. Scavenge whatever may be useful, if I have time. Hell, a supporting cast who can follow me around and play safety net would be a very, very good to have.

And I'd still be hoping someone like the Doctor would stumble across me and help in getting things straightened out.

Long term? I'm assuming I'm jumping due to some ROB's sick sense of humor then. I'm assuming I'm _random_ jumping, more or less. Definitely want a supporting cast to watch my back since eventually, I'll end up somewhere that's going to hell in a handbasket right quick. But that's reactive. Proactively? Hell, pick up enough magecraft or mad science or know someone who has and convince them to help me stop random jumping. Pretty please with a cherry on top. Unless you run into or some convenient MacGuffin, which is either extremely likely or up there with 'no chance in hell' levels of happening, depending on the ROB's preference of plot.

As for information ... hell with it. Use it. Don't rely on it blindly, but it's still one of the few leg-ups I'd have from the get-go. Might as well spread the wealth and good-will a little with a hope for favorable returns later on if it doesn't result in personal hazard.

 

**Rieverre**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

To paraphrase the latest season - yes, unless it involves children crying. Or pretty girls crying.

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

That does sound about right. Those are, however remember this clearly, guidelines. They aren't rules. You don't have to follow them. You can be chaotic neutral, evil, dastardly good, whatever. Your main goal is to survive and feel good about it. Theres also thinking short and long term.

 

**X on**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

Got that right. And before i forget don't forget D: Nuke it from orbit its the only way to be sure.

 

**Sayle**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here... What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

I would say that there have to be consistent laws of physics and the like, so shows that violate them I find difficult to envisage actually occuring.

 

**Vlad III**

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post Running the whole thing would be kind of a bother. Personally, I'd settle for setting myself up for the good life.

Yeah I know. But in the end I would become a entity that barely resembles what I am now. I always wanted to make a hive mind of self independent Me's. Still even if I don't try to take the evil conqueror routine. I'm still going to try to get as much powers I can get unless the price is too high.

 

**Panaka**

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post C: DO NOT BE EVIL. Seriously - there's like a universal constant in the SM verse that says Evil doesn't pay and Love conquers all. Plus, you know, you should be a moral, ethical person and stuff.

What he said. Be carefull. There may be laws of "nature that apply to a specific verse. Good always wins, anything is possible as long as it is funny, ect. Think about the movie Action Man by the Governator if that helps.

 

**Rizumu**

So, you've managed to hop realities, somehow - into the middle of a monster attack in SM. Yeah, as if that's going to end well. Let's see, no weapons, no money, no id and a language barrier. Well, at least you're in a shrine, start praying.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by Sayle View Post I would say that there have to be consistent laws of physics and the like, so shows that violate them I find difficult to envisage actually occuring.

Some of it would probably be exaggerated for comedic effect. But then we have universes like FLCL and TTGL (or hell GunBuster) which just throws everything out the window of a moving car, runs it over several times and then gets out to point and laugh.

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

Quote: Originally Posted by Panaka View Post What he said. Be carefull. There may be laws of "nature that apply to a specific verse. Good always wins, anything is possible as long as it is funny, ect. Think about the movie Action Man by the Governator if that helps.

Last Action Hero actually.

And good point.

So, Exploit everything, don't make girls cry... But Otherwise Raw Raw Fight Da Powah!

Cool. I can dig that.

Anyway... I have work in ten minutes. I gotta roll.

 

**Terrace**

PRAY you don't end up in an anime world like Berserk. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain: In the beginning, it mostly plays out like a grim and gritty fantasy story. Corrupt nobles, wandering bandits and mercenary bands (and I mean mercenaries that are criminals in all but name), even demons who only exist because people BELIEVE they exist. It follows the adventures of a swordsman named Guts, who is absurdly good with a sword, and is nicknamed the 'Hundred-Man Slayer'. Once the 'Eclipse' Arc hits, however, the story morphs into pure horror.

 

**Wakka**

Quote: What every self respecting SB would do of course. Take over the multiverse

In time, perhaps. As a regular human periodically hopping realities it'll be impossible though. As a Culture-enhanced Exalted Core Commander? Ha.

Hahaha.

.

*cough*

Quote: So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

Pretty much. I'd also try to avoid tempting fate like Carrot's SI's do. It seems that the irony gods enjoy punishing people who gloat too much.

Generally speaking good guys tend to have a better support base to call upon, so stay on that ethical side until you're sure that nothing higher powered is inclined to reach out and touch you.

Also: Mind the ethical state of the universe you're in. If it says that good guys always win? Be smart and be good FFS.

 

**spooky316**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

In the short term I'd try to survive. Since we're talking "fictional" (note the quotes) universes similar to Sailor Moon, there will be a lot of overpowered people/things/wtftentacles running around. Laying low would be my first choice. If for some reason that wasn't possible, I foresee much Doctor Who emulating in my future (aka running away). On the off chance I was dropped into a fairly safe universe, one similar to ours, I would try to relax for a while.

Long term, it depends. If I'm able to carry things with me I'd try to obtain anything I could think of that could help me from various universes. Money... could be a problem. I don't normally carry cash and obviously my cards wouldn't work, so I'm basically screwed when it comes to buying things. The best option would be to look for people who may be sympathetic to my plight. For instance, since we're talking anime if I'm dropped into the Tenchiverse I'd look up the Masaki Shrine. Maybe Washu could help me out.

*shudders at the thought of becoming a guinea pig*

...yeah... but any help would probably be worth it. Also, in the long term I'd have to try to find out why this was happening to me. Help would be required for that as well, since I don't have any degrees in multiversal physics.

So pretty much taking things as they come. I really don't see any other way to deal with this at the moment. Uncontrollable dimensional jumps aren't predictable, after all.

 

**Brellin**

Short term is obviously survival and trying to figure out the trigger that causes the jumps in the first place. Assuming it is something I have at least a little control over I will attempt to discover ways to grant me more control, if it isn't (for example its a ROB being a dick) then I don't concern myself with it as it is beyond my ability to influence.

Long term? Exploitation of absolutely everything I encounter. This can mean multiple different things, from making friends with powerful beings/entities all the way to asking The Culture to turn me into an E-dust Assassin in return for any information I might bring back with me on subsequent trips (assuming there are any). In short, if it can increase my personal power and survivability I will seek to exploit it in every way possible barring deliberate acts of evil. Obviously, this can change depending on the setting, places where evil is a matter of course requires that I too "up my game" so to speak so that I can survive, though at the bare minimum I will attempt to keep at least some shred of basic human decency regardless of where I am. At least, in regards to humans/near humans.

The real challenge, assuming I live long enough to aquire a decent amount of tech/abilities/allies is remaining sane and not allowing a sense of "I can do what I want because i'll never return here, thus can't be held accountable" to overwhelm me. In essence, trying to prevent myself from becoming the John Criton of the multi-verse.

 

**Steel Warrior**

Quote: Originally Posted by Jim Starluck View Post I like to call it the "Inevitable Fiction" Hypothesis (conveniently, "IF" for short). The more parallel universes you have, the closer the probability that any given Universe A will be described by a work of fiction in Universe B with 100% accuracy approaches 1:1. The scary part is when you realize this doesn't just apply to, say, well-known published fiction. It applies equally well to every single possible work of fiction, including the worst of it. If it has been thought up or can be thought up, and there really is an infinite number of parallel universes, then it's out there somewhere.

More-or-less this, although I use the term 'Commonality Principle' in my own musings.

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here... What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

/shrug

Why not?

Not every universe has to have the same rules.

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Panaka brings up a good comment... A counterpart. Would you even have one? Alternate reality stories enjoy putting 'alternate you' in place... but does anyone really think there would be an alternate you out there?

The probability of having an alternate you is going to be directly related to how close the alternate universe is to our own. The more different it becomes, the more likely you won't have ever come around.

It would only take a few seconds timing to get a different egg/sperm pair, ya know.

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

You get to be a cheating bastard

Just be careful your butterflies don't make all the information you have invalid. Slow and steady wins the race!

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post My interpretation is more of the Guide's suggestion of a Whole Sort of General Mishmash... Or really, no. More like a collection of different multiverses, each of which contains a set of universes. The universes in a set are similar, the multiverses in the WSoGMM need not be. Infinite is funky, and besides, physical laws tend to be universal constants. Multiversal constants... Well, that'd be something else entirely. Navigation would be interesting as well, and not necessarily restrained by merely three dimensions, plus time.

Hey, who says all the linked universe have to have even the same physical dimensions?

I'm a fan of pulling aliens from 7-dimensional space. 4 physical dimensions, 3 temporal dimensions. Mind screw much?

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

Well, first off, if one is real, you can probably just assume they all are. For all practical purposes this is the case, anyway.

As to what you do, take advantage of your knowledge as much as you can. 'Knowing the Plot' can be pretty powerful and Chessmaster-y.

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

Uhh, yea. I had the idea for someone from 'our' world to go reality-hopping, but 'he' was gonna get 32-thousand tons of self-aware death incarnate (Mk.34 Bolo, specifically) as a 'traveling companion' which was an OCP for anywhere he went.

Real me? Probably suffer a break-down. Life is hard enough as it is for me right now, dealing with that kinda crap in reality is probably beyond what I can handle.

 

**Jonen C**

Oh, and I almost forget:

You'd need a towel.

 

**Panaka**

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post Oh, and I almost forget: You'd need a towel.

And the Hitchhikers guide to the multiverse if you can get it.

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

LATECOMERS

I'm going to let this sit and not do anything overnight so as to give everyone a chance. Those of you who were 'late' to the topic can quite tag posts and respond as you would wherever.

Remember, I'm not going to use every post here. (Look guys, four pages in two hours flat. I'm not putting that all into the story.)

I'll be assembling a 'script' out of the final mess when I get to it, and I'll go from there.

Remember, I'm keeping the full length of the discussion as the fiction equivilent of a DVD bonus. And everyone who participated will get a credit to their name at the end of the chapter.

 

**Jonen C**

In case anyone missed this from my big first post in the thread:

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post And of course, there would be universes in which our lives are represented as fiction in one form or another (fun thought - jump into your favorite fictional universe and find out the main characters enjoy reading about the fictional exploits of the various members of the Spacebattles forum - worthy of a plot tribble?).

So, is it worthy of a plot tribble?

 

**Wakka**

It might make a good one-shot or crack fic. The Mass Effect guys reading this would be hilarious. That's pretty much my favorite thread on this forum. One in-game year to totally destabilize that universe and screw over canon.

 

**Jonen C**

Quote: Originally Posted by Wakka View Post It might make a good one-shot or crack fic. The Mass Effect guys reading this would be hilarious. That's pretty much my favorite thread on this forum. One in-game year to totally destabilize that universe and screw over canon.

To be honest, my mental image was more along the lines of being a show/story and the SI finding out, realizing - "Hey! That character is me!" - Followed by an awkward silence and a "So you know Cypress the Genocide?" or something like that (replace with other famous forum personalities being cameod as applicable).

("Cypress? Yeah sure, I know of him. I think he's been toning down the whole genocide spiel recently...")

 

**Stormwind**

Oh, a parallel worlds thread... I LOVE the concept of parallel worlds, each one slightly different from neighbors. So, to answer questions Op rises...

Yes, I do believe thee are PWs where events go exactly like or very close to what is fiction in our world. Why not, if it is theoretically possible?

Sailor moon being the reality? Hmmm... I would rather prefer Eleven Riders, but if t is SM... It wouldn't be too different for me. After all, Tokyo is the center of the universe, and I live at almost opposite point of the globe.

My AU counterpart? A tricky question. Depends on how "far" is that AU from my universe. If it is close enough we'd brofist and plot world dominationoptimization together. If not - we might not even recognize each other. Especially if AU me made a different choice in one of the certain points of the life.

ROB dropkicks me into "fictional" universe? Hmmm... If he does it to me suddenly without time to prepare myself - probably use all the knowledge of the fiction to be blend in and stay unnoticed by major players of the show. I don't have intimate knowledge of SM-verse, but if I ended up in the middle of monster attack I'd hit the ground and aimed for absolute world record in crawling speed. On other hand, if I'm ready and know where am I going to end up and at what point of plot, I might try to attempt a bit of fix fic. Keyword "might", as survival comes first.

Other universes? As in continuous jumping? This is rather... Bad idea. One thing I liked about Kamen Rider Decade was that it went on to explicitly demonstrate WHY non-stop world-hopping is bad idea even if you know these worlds. And I don't have a handy Decadriver and Yuuseless nakama to help me survive all kinds of crap. So, again, survival first. If possible - accumulate various survival gear in every jump in hopes it'll work in the future.

What would I do with my knowledge? Again, play it by Dickeido. First, I'll attempt to verify how close is this world to a description known to me. Eps 2-19 of DCD taught me that you might end up in a close, yet strikingly different AU. After verifying my knowledge of the place I'll use it to stay the hell away from the action. Unless I'm actually ready and equipped to alter an event or two.

But as ROBs tend to be bastards I'll end up in the middle of it, right? In this case - attempt to immediately ally myself with one of the sides of a conflict, preferably one that will not proceed to torture me for my knowledge. proceed to stay away of the action as much as possible and attempt to play a mysterious sage dropping heroes some ambiguous hints to what awaits them.

 

**Forgetful**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post (WARNING: This is the 'Sleeping with the Girls' 'Virutal discussion'... Those who participate in this thread may or may not end up having their posts directly transposed into the story itself. Your real screen names here will be used. If you do not wish to end up in the story, do not post. By posting YOU AGREE TO ALLOW YOUR SCREEN NAME AND COMMENTARY TO GO INTO THE STORY! ) I've got a thought for you guys. What are your opinions on alternate realities? For example, let's say there are alternate realities across the multiverse that contain every form of fiction you've ever seen. Do you think it would be possible to tie those realities together?

Show me proof of alternate realities and we'll get talking.

 

**Stormwind**

Quote: Originally Posted by Forgetful View Post Show me proof of alternate realities and we'll get talking.

And you can prove otherwise, Forgetful?

 

**BOOKgod22**

Did the OP divide by zero? Did he mess with Facehuggers tentacle collection? Did he try to mess with one of RandomJs Biological experiments?

If so it might be Karmatic punishment. If you gain allies and powers enough and want to take over/ rule Remember The Evil Overlord List

 

**nick012000**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

Don't forget C: Get yourself a harem of sexy anime girls.

Though I suppose that might fit under B.

 

**Forgetful**

Quote: Originally Posted by Stormwind View Post And you can prove otherwise, Forgetful?

I asked for proof first.

On the other hand not to be a troll. There are several outcomes. A. It is a horrible universe and you die.

B. It is a normal universe. You figure out how to live in it.

C. It is a weak universe. YOU CONQUER IT.

 

**Winchester**

Multiple random reality hops? Ouch, man. Especially given some of the fiction out there... I remember an old (80s is old? fuck, *I'm* getting old...) movie about some guy who got randomly jumped to the side of the character Biggles, from the W.E Johns books. Usually because the character was in mortal danger and needed rescuing. After the first couple of transports, the guy goes into super prepared mode, and sits in a hotel room wearing a helmet, a machine gun and god only knows how much ammo. Eventually he has to take a shower due to the stink. Guess when he 'ports? And he lands in a nunnery, to boot...

Of course, that in turn reminds me of a Levis commercial, with a puny short guy who gets off his moped outside a biker den, and *then* straps on a cup and a helmet, before challenging the whole biker gang to a dick size contest. "Bad Idea" indeed.

Anyway, if I was porting randomly between fictional realities, assuming I survived the first couple of trips I'd seriously look for some protective gear - anything I could lay hands on. And it would *not* come off, until I figured out the mechanism for the random ports. And even then it'd stay on as much as possible. Good grief, Sailor Moon monsters are cake compared to some of the stuff out there. Imagine landing in Sunnydale. Outdoors. At night.

Weapons on the other hand I don't know about. 1, they make you overconfident; 2, displaying one is an escalation to most situations (and a lot of the things you might think you need one for won't be intimidated by one either, whether for lack of knowledge or from sheer immunity); 3, weapons are illegal in many (most? all of europe and a huge part of asia, at least) places, and will attract angry cops like crap attracts flies.

As for foreknowledge and whether to use it or not... well, it kind of depends on the quality of the opposition. Sailor Moon would be a pretty safe place to tell the cast what's coming, since the villains are too stupid to figure out where the info came from and nab me for themselves. Drop me in the Evangelion-verse on the other hand, and I'd run far, far away and hope nobody noticed I was ever there before I was ported out. Gendo would know immediately, more or less, if someone disturbed his plans. If the villains are of the smart variety, stay lower than hell...

Cheers,

SP

 

**Delusionist**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

I agree with the previous posts concerning short term goals being just plain survival making one's self more survivable.

As for long term goals, I think the number one thing in my mind would be trying to find out who the ROB is, and why he's sending me through various realities, if only to make sure that I'm not being utilized as some sort of multiversal Xanatos Sucker in the games of an ineffable being.

 

**Whiteagle**

Quote: Originally Posted by Rieverre View Post Alternate universes ... personally, I'm of the opinion that existence would be boring without infinite possibility, and following from that, everything is. Everything is, everything was, and everything will be. World as Myth is perfectly plausible from where I'm standing, if only because nobody's managed to prove the contrary yet.

This.

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post Okay, by Tying together, I mean something like this. Let's say one day our dear friendly neighborhood Random Omnipotent Being decided to drop kick you into an alternate universe. However, when you get there, the whole thing plays out to a T as fiction you've seen. Think of it as Self Insertion gone horribly wrong. In the former case of Sailor Moon... Let's say I end up landing right in the middle of Hikawa shrine during a monster attack. How would we really suggest to handle that mess? (And the implications to 'fiction' as we know it?)

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So what about the PRACTICAL implications of such a jump? You have the knowledge of the characters and the setting, and you just got dumped in the middle of it. What does this mean from your standpoint? And what could this mean on the larger scale. If one universe that was 'fictional' is now real, what about other 'fictional' universes?

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, let's up the stakes a little. Let's say you've been through several realities in this fashion... What would do in the short term? Long term? Personally, I don't think reality hopping would be the most, PLEASANT thing to have occur. All kinds of nasty shit you know. What would you do with your information?

...Why does this sound like one of those Role Play threads where you wake up in bed with a girl from fiction?

Well the most prudent advice I can give is this: Don't Panic. Keep your cool, you could be what is essentially a Multiversal version of a wilderness survival situation, or you could just be in some sort of divine comedy. Ether way, you're going to need a clear head.

Plus:

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post Do you have your towel?

Yeah, make sure you know where your towel is.

...It's far easier to explain something as a collage prank gone horrible wrong if you end up in Tokyo-3 covering yourself with a towel instead of showing up naked...

Quote: Originally Posted by Panaka View Post Here's a scary thought: You get dropped in Nobody Dies Eva verse. The first thing you hear: Heeeee~eeeey

...Hey, YOU ARE TALKING TO THE GUY WHO VOLUNTEERED TO BE THAT GIRL'S DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!

Quote: Originally Posted by Warringer View Post Could be worse and at the same time more awesome... It could be Shinji and Warhammer 40k...

...GAR for the GAR God! (Sensei Chuck) AWESOME FOR THE AWESOME THRONE!

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So, the general idea in such a situation is either A: Duck and Cover B: Exploit EVERYTHING. That sound about right?

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonen C View Post C: DO NOT BE EVIL. Seriously - there's like a universal constant in the SM verse that says Evil doesn't pay and Love conquers all. Plus, you know, you should be a moral, ethical person and stuff. Well I'd like to add...

D: [strikethrough]Stick it in[/strikethrough] Don't Panic.

 

**Prince Charon**

Quote: Originally Posted by AdmiralTigercla View Post So let's say I pick up one of my DVD's off the shelf. In this case, I have Sailor Moon season one uncut here... What would you guys say to a reality, where that IS reality?

I'd be deeply worried, because the logic level in that series is fairly low, and Usagi, while a genuinely nice person, is quite the ditz (though nowhere near as much as her dub counterpart is). The fact that she eventually becomes queen of the world does nasty things to my suspension of disbelief, as she would not go for mind control, unless convinced it wasn't mind control, and the only way she could become queen of the world without mind control or very contrived circumstances, is a massive population reduction (like, only Crystal Tokyo survives), and her being the 'force majeur'.

 

**BOOKgod22**

It is called the deep/great freeze and yea most of the planet is killed off.

 

**ecs05norway**

I'm a firm believer in Heinlein's Law. Short version: Everything Exists.

Keep an eye out for telltale signs of which version of a continuity you happen to end up in. And always remember that the heroes are The Heroes for a Reason.

 

**Argosh**

Sigh, quantum mechanics mess all of this up, I believe. If you notice some reality then you interact with it in some way, which means its also changed, somewhat. The more you observe it, the less details can change ... and I'm probably not making much sense.

**Tabi**

[DISTURBING IMAGE]

Maybe Usagi ate too much spinach?

 

**Stormwind**

Tabi. You have posted a Image That Can Not Be Unseen. You know what that means. *opens fire with 200cm Hellbores*

 

**X on**

Tabi... thats... thats... beyond words.

*Flees*

 

**Tabi**

Quote: Originally Posted by Tabi View Post Maybe Usagi ate too much spinach?

Quote: Originally Posted by Stormwind View Post Tabi. You have posted a Image That Can Not Be Unseen. You know what that means. *opens fire with 200cm Hellbores*

Quote: Originally Posted by X on View Post Tabi... thats... thats... beyond words. *Flees*

My work here is done.

 

**Argosh**

That picture is proof that somewhere, someone saw something like that and thought, we need an extermination squad against pretty magical spinach-eating sailor sea-men. They're the last, best hope for sanity.

 

**Panaka**

Somebody hand me the brain bleach...

 

**Barricade**

1\. Quote from the Evil Overlord's List to every hero you meet that you, if you actually know about their universe. Even better, if I happen to jump 'back' to a universe where the EOL exists, PRINT IT OUT and damn near staple the thing to my chest (not really, but it never goes far). Start memorizing it like you were a drowning man thrown a life-preserver.

2\. Even if you know your actions send things off the rails, do what you must to survive. If this means sucker punching Lalah Sune prior to her mission against Amuro, and getting brig-tossed for weeks until you jump again, or meeting Yui Ikari and giving her the 411 prior to her jumping in the entry plug, so be it. On the other hand, know your limits. Trying to talk to Goku or Vegeta is a lesson in futility unless you're stronger then they are. Unless you just went to the Spiralverse, and managed to pull along a Lagann unit, you ain't.

3\. Gamebreak (see #2) at the earliest possible times. If you know the main baddie is in the area hiding/watching, or is pulling a fake out, or whatever, or that you are right next to a 'nexus of power/power-up/sword that cleaves all evil/etc', you drop what you're doing and either get it yourself via blatant cheating, or helping the heroes get it, and still blatantly cheat.

4\. If I can bring stuff through universes, gamebreak with it. Sooner or later you'll end up either in a universe where near everyone has superpower, super robots, they're all batshit nuts, you're staring at Cthulhu (or wish you were), etc. And if you can buy, con, steal, or bribe a weapon from one of those universes, you keep it on you 24/7 via a wrist strap or something. Even better, if you can get high-tech, magitech, or outright magical, armor - keep it! Even better then that, if you can get your own hammerspace, min/max the thing to hell.

5\. Don't pull a 'Chunin's Day Off' stunt where you 'know' you'll be jumping to another universe eventually/shortly. As with the EOL, the instant you think that, ROB, Destiny, and Fate shits on you like they just ate 10 million enchiladas. On that note, NEVER tempt Murphy, and never say the cliche'd phrases - EVER. If someone else does, duck & cover immediately, or get the hell away from him/her.

6\. In the vein of #5, don't sex it up with everything you come across if somehow you end up as a walking casanova/harem master/love god. If you're unlucky enough to get yanked back a universe or two (or two hundred) you might find yourself with seriously pissed off 'soon-to-be-in-laws', Ex-s you meddled with, or a tsundere that just went yandere on your ass.

7\. Find a way, virtually anyway, to get in touch with the more 'friendly' gods/deities/ROBs, etc that are in charge. Some of them are, theoretically, multiversal spanning, and MIGHT be able to help. Unless they're some demonic hellspawn with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and can (or have in the past) yanked people around across dimensions and terms end with "I eat you/eat your soul/tree of pain equivalent", in which case you do NOT go near them - any other deities you get humble, sacrifice dignity/ego if needed, and downright beg or do ANYTHING they ask. You start building up a pile of favors from multiple ROBs, etc, and you can likely play them off each other (carefully) and still end up ahead at the end.

8\. Never, ever, ever, stand-out unless you don't have a choice. While if say you're in the Pokemonverse you'll likely just fine even if you're a walking death machine, as long as you play nice/act nice, if you end up in the 40kverse and have a dozen pokeballs with you - you're a dead man for conspiring with Xenos. Think fast, think on your feet, and if you know a universe jump is coming, HIDE EVERYTHING, if at all possible.

9\. Kill Gendo Ikari, shake hands with Kamina, play chess with Ender Wiggin, give Coup a high-five, get pantyshots of a Meltrandi (and live), have tea with Belldandy, Whistle at Willis (the 'her' martian), tell Usagi to STFU-B!, fist-bump Wolverine, tell Batman he's emo - but a crazyawesome emo, use the Gravity Gun, and generally do the most awesome things in the universe so that if something goes bad, you can look back and think of the sheer awesome you managed to have happen to you. That and the favors things. You do enough awesome things to help out, and leave 'breadcrumbs' behind you (along with possible tech hints) and sooner or later you'll get a Boss/Mini-Boss 'here comes the cavalry' spawn point.

10\. If it looks like a universe you know, but the heroes instead have mustaches or goatees - trust no one but the supposed enemies. Also if the universe appears to be black & white, you're likely fairly safe, its near impossible to die in one of those unless you're at the extreme ends of either side of the moral compass.

 

**nick012000**

Urk. I much prefer something like this (picture SFW, site isn't).

 

**Barricade**

Quote: Originally Posted by nick012000 View Post Urk. I much prefer something like this (picture SFW, site isn't).

Sweet! You gift-wrapped Saturn, Jupiter, and Mercury for me! *runs off while carrying all three girls*

 

**MrEmperor**

A late post, but I'm going to have to side with forgetful here. Nearly all our science that posits alternate universes cannot be verified with the scientific method, and relies on esoteric mathematical formulae replete with constants we have no idea what the values for are. As much as most of us (invasions would be bad) would like for alt-verses to exist, I see no real ways for them to be provable to us.

If they did exist, and one was hopping, then we have two schools of thought. One: Survive, touch nothing, leave no traces. Two: bring back everything so we can use it here. Become a broker of oddities, curios, and awesome things from place to place. Basically become Indiana Jones crossed with one of those stores that you find only once. Trade only in kind (no money, worthless after a jump), and keep the best goods for yourself.

It could become an interesting job.

 

**stormturmoil**

Another, but potentially dicey option, to exploit given the specifics: Read/Watch/Play more Fiction!

Now, this is potentially a double edged sword, because it's unstated whether the fiction in question is only fiction the victim-Jumpee is familiar with, or is anything, but either way, Knowledge is Power Forewarned is Forearmed, after all.

The more you know, the more you potentially exploit. The more you can (hopefully) predict and work around. The more predestined distasters you can hopefully avoid.

Now, this isn't going to be perfect, obviously, because simply observing something changes it, so merely the act of knowing these realites exist is likely going to result in changes, but even so, it there is any sort of inertia to the scripted events of their 'fictional' scripts, then knowing those could provide very valuable advance notice of things that may happen, and what could be done if they do.

of course, this can backfire. For one thing, if the jumping does only affect 'Fiction' the victim-jumpee is familiar with, expanding your knowledge to other Fiction only makes the rabbit hole deeper.

and (insert some dimensionally relevent Deity here) Help you if that knowledge somehow starts falling into the hands of the occupants of these realities, especiialy more extreme or ambitious ones, be they Good or Evil, as Status Quo is, at least in terms of knowledge, your friend. Once major changes start accumulating, a significant advantage simply disappears, leaving the Victim-jumpee at the mercy of changing events with no foreknowledge to fight back with.

Nevertheless, if the opportunity presents itself, a good way to potentially beat the odds could be simply to hit the books.

 

**Valiant**

Oh, just thought of this: Should you get your hands on a Mcguffin, pass it off to someone ASAP, somethings you just don't need to be the target of, hero and villain alike.

 

**Forgetful**

Or one could visit Tvtrope. It's very good on what the characters and setting you're facing would be like.

 

**Stormwind**

Oh, and one more thing - try to get yourself some potent yet compact applied phlebotinum. Primary target - personalized energy shields with long battery life and/or transformation trinket giving you some sort of armor and, preferably more. Extra points if that AP is not uncommon in the place you get it.

 

**Mastigo**

Quote: Originally Posted by Stormwind View Post Oh, and one more thing - try to get yourself some potent yet compact applied phlebotinum. Primary target - personalized energy shields with long battery life and/or transformation trinket giving you some sort of armor and, preferably more. Extra points if that AP is not uncommon in the place you get it.

Forget just getting phlebotinum for yourself, the best way to go about things would be to an interdimensional travelling phlebotinum merchant. Take something relatively common and cheap to a universe it would be valueable and useful in, trade for more of the same in that universe's goods and then rinse and repeat, getting more and better things as you escalate in profit. From there, start trading excess for goods and services for yourself. Think in terms of the trade by ships back in the days of the American Colonies. Scifi to magical trade routs would probably be most profitable, but magic to magic would probably be the easiest way to get started.

Of course you could also offer disposal services ... for a modest fee.

I'd probably go the route of trading to have houses/mansions built at each of my transfer points, or possibly buy the property and get something along the lines of a DBZ capsule house. If you can get interdimensional data feeds, then you could arrange trades at all points along your travel route simultaneously. It'd almost be like the house of the Dimension Witch from xxxHolic only with a more proactive owner.

Of course, if interdimensional travel exists, then so do interdimensional empires, especially if you accept all possible realities as true (to a given arbitrary degree of freedom*). As such, you should found your own. It would all be in the name of pre-emptive self defense after all.

*if you assume an infinite degree of freedom, then choice does not exist, it merely becomes a statistical likelyhood of you arriving at a given future from a given point in the past and those statistics involve fun numbers like infinity to the power of infinity ... yeah I'm not really getting across what I mean but whatever.

-edit- oh, it's random travel. I suppose that means you can't have set trade routes but still... and I forgot to mention one last thing: abuse the ability to subject things to different laws of physics as much as possible

So what brought this topic up? DrunkenGrognard's Ryouga fic?

OUT OF CHARACTER: This should hopefully serve as a good example of one of my rambles, considering I forgot why I was writing it about a quarter of the way through and wrote about 3 times as much as I'd intended to

 

**mkire**

Quote: Originally Posted by Wakka View Post It might make a good one-shot or crack fic. The Mass Effect guys reading this would be hilarious. That's pretty much my favorite thread on this forum. One in-game year to totally destabilize that universe and screw over canon.

it took more than a year, well, not really, it took a year and unrestrained exponential growth coupled with strong AI-linked into a hive-mind by instantaneous comms.

Admiral Johnston, the man responsible for darn near everything the morrigi did simply because he won an argument about AI with his 2IC. Also commander of the fifth most powerful military force in the galaxy, not at all handling the guilt of being responsible for the death of a couple billion people, even if the turian's he's encountered are jackasses.

as for your question Admiral? I pity the poor bastard who the alien space bats shat on.

 

**Prince Charon**

Quote: Originally Posted by BOOKgod22 View Post It is called the deep/great freeze and yea most of the planet is killed off.

In which case you have the problem that the Senshi, as of late SMR, knew about the Great Freeze, and did not prevent it, despite Usagi having a Plot device that can reverse time.

The plausibility is even worse in the manga, where Usagi is somehow elected queen of the world, without the Great Freeze happening.

 

**eliar**

in the beginning.. duck and cover! If you dont get out of there relatively fast try to get as much power as humanly/;plottisly possible in order to survive

After that? Try to give the heroes a hand if convinient or possible and try your damnest to not be seen as a villain... getting hit with world ending mountain shuttering level magic isnt good for ones health. Also try to stay out of the Villains sight... being the main target of an epic villain SUCKS when you dont have plot armour... And of course if you do end up somewhere like SM do try to get some action from the the girl/girls you have been obsessing/fanboying after when in your teenage years... After all if they are destined to be members of Usagis lesbian harrem or lesbian starcrossed lovers etc. why not get a piece of it while you still can?

P.S. and dont forget... Be careful of the self appointed guardians of the timeline or future or any pesky time mages that may come along... They really dont care much for anything or anyone outside their supposedly "omnipotent" knowledge

 

**AdmiralTigercla**

Okay guys, I'm begining work on the section of this chapter that involves this discussion. No additional posts will be counted.

 

 


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